I think my DH is having a breakdown

[Mercier1]

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

@Alicewond, by trollhunting, I meant you shouldn't accuse others of trolling.

OP hope you can get some help

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/68d922ef-b69f-4ee2-b26d-e60e4b03727b

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/dads-and-partners/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

The actual research behind is a bit skeptical as obv men don't have this hormonal changes after birth, but depression after birth is common. And sometimes seeing other men suffering helps?

www.nhs.uk/news/mental-health/can-men-get-the-baby-blues/ (more skeptical one)

@blackcat86 so many similarities. My H was great with our first son and he is generally a great dad although I think if he was a mum he would be a standard parent, dads seem to get so much credit when they are not shit. I explained re doula I felt I needed someone to take care of me a bit of mothering maybe but he said he wouldn’t feel comfortable and he would take care of me. Yeah right. He brought me toast in bed a few times, but mostly forgot while I was starving breastfeeding in agony.
I can’t really afford therapy but I figure it’s cheaoer than a divorce. Issue is time. Because he’s studying we never do anything together really. Certainly not had a date night. Baby is 4 months only. I can’t see things improving without the investment of time.

@londonexhile it started before the birth the house move triggered what I consider anxiety behaviours. He certainly didn’t bind with the baby right off, totally different to the first born also.

What are your options op, it seems like it’s a pretty rubbish time :(

That's my thinking to. Send a feeler email out to a few therapists you like the look of. I had some horrifically expensive and rude ones but then I found a lovely and sensible sounding man who only charges £40 and we can go every other week. My thinking is that it's an investment in our marriage and our communication, much cheaper than divorcing and essential even if we split for co-parenting. Our DHs could be twins aside from yours vetoing the doula. My DH talked about how amazing he was and would be all through our nct class but he's never once bathed our daughter or done a night wake past 4 weeks. He said he cared about me post birth but not as much as he cared about having to drive an hour either way to and from the hospital (poor love). Sadly in my case his family feed the drama because apparently if me or DD had the audacity to die DH may have committed suicide. Well maybe, I dont know but there is literally no care about how the experience has made me feel. It's all about him, always. Same here with no date nights. DD sleeps through and his parents would happily babysit but DH said no. Have you had your own counselling? I started a few weeks ago and it's been so helpful. I've realised that I'm expected to parent a lot of adults so I've stopped. The results are fascinating. It's like a group of children when mum has just walked out. Do you have some good friends or mum friends you can talk to? Please dont let this all be about you taking care of him. Simply because you have to keep going whilst he self indulges it doesn't mean that his MH is worse than yours. You need care and support to.

@dontcallmedaisy I text his BF who took him out for a pint but he hasn’t reported back on that really.

No advice but really sorry for you guys

Are you going to apologise Alicewond?

He’s bawling crying downstairs I went down to comfort him but the bloody baby is awake and boobing again. Agh.

@S021 looks like she’s going to ignore her shittyness and pretend like it never happened. Reminds me a bit of my husband to be fair. @alicewond please stop talking to me.

@S021 I am sorry, and sorry op if I misunderstood, i truly am. I do hope this works out for you and if I can be of any help
I am here. I misunderstood and made an error and am not to proud to admit it. Feel free to read all my history and see I’m not a troll and I only mean to help here. I honestly admit I made a mistake, what more can I do???

@Mercier1 as above

I think you should phone your GP or the NHS helpline. He needs help and this is not something you can deal with alone 💐

Firstly your toddler needs prune juice or prunes.

I really feel for you especially as I’ve had an anxious husband studying for professional qualifications and working with newborn. At the moment the level of pressure on you is enormous. You’ve a young baby and a toddler which is huge pressure and it sounds like no help or close support network or parents. You desperately need DH support but instead he is adding to your load and making things harder.

You’ve done the right thing going on antidepressants. It showed foresight, strength and responsibility that you took action with getting help. I mean yes ideally you would get more support or not be in this situation rather than going on medication, but life isn’t alwAys ideal. I imagine that it’s helping you on this emotional roller coaster with unpredictable DH. Whatever works op, you are in survival mode.

I think you should devise a practical plan.
This will seem overly simple but when you have kids and you’re at maximum capacity you need things broken down.
Firstly get the names and contacts of every mental health service, domestic violence services relevant to you and start researching and making enquiries.
Contact Aunt or someone and alert of situation and that you may need emergency accomodation.
Pack formula, drink bottles, emergency pack for everyone and keep in boot or elsewhere.

Talk to DH about the toll this is taking on you and that he can either address issue and seek real help or you will leave and or get other people involved including his family.

Basically you need a plan and outside support.

Youcan’t shoulder the mental health needs of partner and two young kids without support.

We all make mistakes Alicewond and an apology is fine. You don’t need to beat yourself up about it but ignoring it and pretending it never happened is just rude.

Tell your dh life doesn’t need to be this hard and that it shows masculinity and bravery to get help. His feelings and thoughts are not his, they are distorted by anxieties and depression.

@S021 this isn’t about me, I held my hands up to everything, not sure what I’m pretending didn’t happen. I’ve said sorry, if I’m not forgiven so be it, but I’m hardly ignoring. Even so I don’t want to distract from the post so will leave

Oh @Alicewond you were a bit too skeptical, but happens to best of us. You’ve had the decency to apologise and I’m sure we can have the good grace to let go.

Ps: we all need to chillax on Mumsnet

OP The only thing you can do is to do what women probably have done for hundreds of years; keep the children away from him until he gets help and recovers. I'm not suggesting leaving him. You'll have manage your two little ones alone without his help for awhile to avoid stressing him out and setting him off.

He's obviously seriously struggling now and you have to bare the whole burden and be strong for the both of you, until he's better.

It will get better.

This all sounds horribly familiar OP. In my case it was a way of life for my ex. He was never really mentally well and he always refused help and lied to the doctor. At best he was difficult, unhappy and unsupportive. At his worst he was literally mad. At no point would he acknowledge it. In the end I just had to put a stop to the miserable life we had together. How was your H before things came to a head? How long do you think you can and should put up with it? Can you get some proper support for yourself? You're under huge pressure. When your husband said he should go etc, he was right. He shouldn't be living in your family causing such distress through his own refusal to acknowledge his issues and seek appropriate help.

Please ignore the unhelpful person OP. Looking at the time they may well be, err, in a state where confidence is stronger than the reality of brain skills, and thinking themselves terribly clever for ‘working it out’. Too much self satisfaction to think what their crowing might do to a vulnerable person who came on here for, well, support.

I wonder if he is about to fail his degree, or thinks he is, and after all this time and expectations it is easier to face blaming the DCs or DW for this than face the failure. As that is very humiliating.
Moving house and having baby are pretty stressful events. He is also completing his degree. I'm not saying he has it harder than you. Can anyone come and stay to help with DCs for a bit? Or take baby out for a walk in his buggy, or both out to the park. Being signed off with a new baby and 3 year old in the house isn't that great for calming you.

@blackcat86 I’m so happy you found the right person. Are you doing individual and couples atm?
I have some pelvic floor issues and symptoms and my physio outright asked me about about childhood sexual abuse. So I’m going through a lot of historical stuff and my husband hasn’t asked me how I am. I find this unforgivable and it’s the first time I’ve thought maybe I need to be with someone else who could actually nurture me. Sigh