I think my DH is having a breakdown

[Mercier1]

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

OP, I ilunderstand your reasons for not wanting to leave the family home, but would a night or two away give your DH a wee scare into facing what he is going to lose if he continues not to seek help?
Or would that push him too far do you think?
I agree with PP; you cannot continue as a single parent while he falls apart. He must be miserable, and you are not made of stone.

@humpy84 thanks it’s beyond prunes now... it’s a chronic issue we are trying to address with medications but he poos on his sleep and messes the bed etc. Genuinely don’t know how I can practically face single parenting for even a few days with this stuff going on.

I agree he’s not his thoughts. At 5 am he came to get me because he was in bits. I explained he is not in his right mind but that people do stuff they wouldn’t in this state... I told him I need to keep the kids safe and if he doeant get help we won’t have a future. Also said I love you etc.

He made breakfast for the toddler and I brought him down and went to the loo they managed to fall out about the fucking bowl of porridge while I was having a wee. So he said he’s going into work early because he can feel himself getting mad. I am going to pack an emergency bag just Incase. I genuinely couldn’t drive 3-4 hours on my own at night I’m way to sleep deprived but I could book into a travel lodge for a night or two.

He also broke his last pair of glasses so he can’t drive which means I have to be up early to do nursery drop off with the baby who will prob scream the whole way down the road.

He busies himself obsessively focusing on stuff like atm it’s the garden.

Re failing the degree he won’t fail he’s scored first clas honours in every assignment he’s ever done and same for exams but he’s definitly extremely behind now and has decided to drop one module this year and therefor extend it by a year. This is a huge part of the MH stuff as he hates his job and wanted to finish the degree and start over. So he feels very upset about this as do I, I so wanted it done so I could have my husband back.

I am sorry you are going through this - its hard when someone is mentally unwell. If he is not prepared to pay for counselling - my advice was to see one for yourself and get them to advise you on how to handle him. Relate have many counselling options. You can use a service where you message a counsellor and they reply back to you in writing with advice. There are also telephone and Skype options.
Good luck.

@ittakes2 thank you I didn’t know about that. It’s not that he won’t pay I have offered from money in my business but he has refused

Has he met someone else?

The crying and outbursts could be down to frustration that he feels trapped. The leaving for work early and fixating on the garden (does he take his phone while gardening?).

Ah yes my DH finds plenty of busy work that we a) cant afford whilst I'm on mat leave b) isn't really necessary when we have a young baby to look after and there are so many things that really need doing c) creates more issues that then need sorting by a professional. My DHs is the garden and garage. I'm basically banned from the garage.

I was referred for CBT through my GP which I went to weekly for a few sessions. I didnt find it particularly helpful TBH but then I found a counsellor who works with women experiencing a range of fertility, pregnancy and birth issues and she has been amazing. She uses integrative therapy which has worked much better for me. I go weekly and have a few more sessions. We'll also do the couples therapy. Dh has been offered telephone CBT but I think may end up working with his own therapist 30 mins of phone sessions isn't enough IMO.

That's so much to bring up whilst trying to deal with life right now. I really do think that your own support would be useful. It just drives me crazy that people are so desperate for me to keep parenting them and not change the status quo that they just dont care despite huge life events happening. Be honest. Tell people your marriage is in trouble when they ask how you are. You'll soon start to see the real friends from the toxic clingers

@mashedspud no defo not he doesn’t give a shot about his phone to the extent he smashed it, garden is more like obsessively tending the seedlings. He gets obsessed with things when I had the baby he cleaned the kitchen constantly and avoided me.

It sounds like he's struggling with having baby and toddler. I am not sure him being off work but then home with all that babies & toddlers entail is best plan. He needs some time on his own. Could you do couple of nights in Youth Hostel or something? Or could he go for couple of nights somewhere?
Also Homestart charity help people out who are overloaded.
He might be mildly ASD so the change to his life/routine is difficult.
Sorry to hear things are so difficult. Sure you could do with more support yourself.

Aw OP you do have a lot on your plate. Not sure I can suggest anything else, you're doing everything you can, but in the end you can't make him do the right thing. He needs to get help, you can't fix him. Stay safe

I can't offer much advice on how to get him to take them, but it very much sounds like he is depressed from how I have felt. Antidepressants medication helped me so much.

Can people stop suggesting abusive men have autism? Autism doesn't make you abusive and it doesn't come in a 'mild' form.

Op, if he wants to leave, let him leave.
Your life will be so much easier as a single mum without him crying and having tantrums.
The way he is venting anger at your little ones constitutes emotional neglect.
Let him leave the next time he wants to leave. Document the stuff he throws and breaks in the meantime and what he shouts at you and the dc.

You can't make him decide to become a functioning human being. He won't decide it for himself while you're covering for him and filling the gaps.

Oh Op this is so hard.
You will have some local services that you can self refer to so maybe he could engage with these. My dh has had a year of very altered behaviour and has had lots of therapeutic and drug based treatment - it’s a long path even with treatment . Make the best decisions for you and your children. It’s all you can do xx

OP honestly if he continues like this someone in your house is going to end up getting attacked by him. Get him out of your house, irrespective of what hes not doing or going to do.

I haven't read the replies. Obviously what he's done is not on but he's under so much pressure, I'm sure we would all crack.
He needs your help to find a balance. House moves are stressful on their own. I'd say by DH is pretty calm but he was so stressed whereas I was trying to enjoy the experience of moving to a bigger home after living in a difficult place before that.
Then there's two small children which is tough and also studying and working.
He needs to give up something, not his family though or move out, finish his studies and come back fresh if that's what you need as a family. I would never say this normally but I can't see how else he can cure himself.
Why is there so much pressure on him? I guess there's no point giving up the studying if he's nearly finished and you have to just ride out this storm but you guys need to talk and lay everything on the table. This isn't healthy.

Does he have anyone he could go and stay with for a couple of weeks.. Defer the last term of uni, take annual leave, just give him some space and quiet so he can take stock. I don't mean chuck him out like you're splitting up but work together to try and start fixing this while giving your kids some protection from his issues. My ex screamed and swore at our 5 yo when he was in the process of leaving us for ow. Fortunately he'd already moved out but his excuse was 'stress'.. Which to be fair, while it was self caused was probably true! I told him if it happened again he wouldn't be seeing the dcs alone again. You do need to think about the impact of all this on them first and foremost. Good luck, it sounds really tough.

My dh was not getting aggressive like yours but he got in a terrible state due to work stress, and it went on for years. We paid for therapy and everything, nothing made a difference until the doctor gave him anti depressants. He said he felt like he had got his life back. I think you need to do everything you can to get your dh to see his own doctor.

He discussed taking unpaid leave from his job with his boss and it was agreed he would do a few bits from home and take some time but he’s been signed off for 2 weeks now and I can see even checking his email is making him anxious. Yes he has far too much on his plate and stress has turned into anxiety/depression as far as I can see. Some of the stress is of his own making though. Im getting angry now myself having to cope with all this shit on my own.

That's the clincher though isn't it OP. Yes he's under pressure having gone a move, dcs, studying and working but you're doing a lot too so there is only so much you can provide. You've also been through a lot and your stress isn't less important just because you're not throwing a toddler tantrum. Hes an adult and if he needs help he needs to seek it

ThNks @blackcat86 if I started listing some of the stuff I have going on too I’d be here all day and frankly the only reason I haven’t fallen apart is because I can’t! My kids need me and they can’t have two parents loosing their shit. He’s called today and is so ashamed about how he’s treated our boy which is good but what about me? Then he’s like go easy on me I’m fragile etc. Honestly I’m being calm loving and strong, but thanks to this thread I’m now going to issue an ultimatum. He comes with me to the GP where I can tell him everything on Monday and he accepts the help of a therapist or he moves out temporarily to his parents, who I’ll be involving. Is this reasonable ?

Oh op, this is so hard on you and so unfair. I feel like our husbands could be long lost twins. He’s definitely anxious and I know all about obsessions as a coping mechanism. Much like my own husband it sounds like he has anxiety that has reached the point of interfering with his parenting and relationships. It’s like being in a pressure cooker, and having another person ride you while you’re already carrying two little people on your OWN.

The Travelodge idea did occur to me even though I’m based in Australia - it’s cheap and they’re all over UK. I’ve often done the same when things have gotten too out of control. I remember piling high a pram with bags of toys and even bottle sterilisers and juggling my baby up to hotel room in two trips. Juggling a baby and a toddler with no kitchen or no,e comforts, it’s like replacing one stress for another - it really is hard when you don’t have people to catch you. I really feel for you op.

At one point when things got really bad and my baby did not sleep at all and my husband was anxious, I went to Bali. I mainly did this because it was a 4 hour flight and there was a reputable nanny agency that was very budget friendly. Probably not an option but at least you know that you’re not the only one that has had to resort to desperate measures to get away and get help.

I sort of think that if at all possible, he should be the one to leave and sort himself out. It would be the masculine, gentleman, noble thing to do rather than have you pack up with two young kids, Ideally he’d use the time off work to get the mental health help he needs.

You have a lot to weigh up. A few people have said he could be abusive or is abusive because he throws stuff. I could see how things might escalate but I also think it’s a complex thing that needs to be discussed with a therapist about the threat he poses. If he is however going to let his own ship sink and not get help, then grab your life vest and don’t go down with him. You and your little ones are priority one. You’ve offered him options and if he won’t take them then that’s on him.

The reality is that you’re vulnerable, have an enormous load and you need support badly, so it’s not as easy as just leaving. Although Obviously i absolutely think you should if In danger.

Well you’ll be in my prayers op from afar and I am sending all my positive, Mum to Mum vibes across the oceans. Know that you are a formidable Mum for reaching out to gp, mumsnet users, seeking advice, thinking ahead, raising two children on your own, and doing this with little immediate family. You are AMAZING to be getting through this. Remember to get your sleep anyway you can because sleep deprivation is a trigger for mental health issues.

Best wishes op xxx

Sorry I only just read your previous post. YES this is absolutely reasonable. You can’t be the buffer for his mental breakdown. I feel like the mention of getting his mother involved could be the ace up your sleeve. You’ve two children who need you and your mental health and their right to stability and peace should be protected at all cost. Good luck !

@humpy84 thank you that means so much. Am refreshing this post constantly as a bit of handholding. Bali would be nice :-) glad to know you think it’s anxiety. I do too. He’s a compulsive nail biter and picker too. I don’t know that he’s abusive because he threw stuff but I agree we can all do stupid things when not in our right mind and what was to say my little boy hadn’t come down the stairs unbeknown to him when he did that, even seeing it would have been disgraceful although I accept I screamed at him recently because of a towel on the floor. But it wasn’t the towel it was the constant nagging. He gives me grief about all sorts of stupid crap from the amount of detergent I put in the machine to the sponge for the counters. I can barely cope with two kids alone tbh. Like the baby will not be put down and hasn’t napped in his cot once today. My son has already pissed all over the couch I have no idea how I’d manage.

Hi OP, I'm so very sorry about all this - my own DH was the same, in fact our stories have many parallels, and it's dreadful.

We are still together but it has taken a considerable toll on me and my own MH. I was prescribed citalopram which was a godsend but my H still refuses to request anti-d's from the Dr and I feel sure tells only a quarter of the story when talking to a GP.

I think your ultimatum is very sensible and he needs to understand it is grounded in love - for him, for your DC. My own DC are now teens and early 20's and although they love their Dad, have a very jaundiced view of his behaviour over the years. If I had my time again I would do what you are suggesting although our situation was slightly different in that he had parents who were divorced but both highly dysfunctional and a father who had been physically and emotionally abusive so my H couldn't have gone to them.

Your exhaustion leaps out from your messages - your DH needs to accept that he has full-blown depression that needs proper treatment but I know how hard it is to get them to do this so I suspect is the only feasible option now.

Does he threaten suicide? My DH did frequently and also regularly stormed off to god knows where in the car and then would spend hours sending me texts of how I had failed him and that his life was crap. I was so worn out with juggling three DC, a very demanding FT job plus trying to keep my DH calm so he would not erupt yet again or potentially attempt suicide that I didn't do what I should have done which was issue an ultimatum. Please know that we are thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace

@humpy86 his mother is dreadful emotionally and will be full of concern but also just add to my load. However she will help with my eldest. His dad is more emotionally intelligent. I have already texted his oldest mate who took him for a pint.

@dancingtothemusic of time thank you SO much for the empathy. I actually feel quite numb. Thank you sertraline 🤔
He doesn’t threaten but last night when he walked out I know he was talking suicidally and did something I wouldn’t like to mention here. I watched him leave from the upstairs window and wondered what I would have to do if he didn’t come back? He never texts it’s not him. He doesn’t blame me but he does lash out at me a bit. Verbally only and nothing aggressive just wearing me down if you know what I mean. Like I do not give a shit about the stuff he bugs me over which are super trivial.