I think my DH is having a breakdown

[Mercier1]

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

Does anyone have any ideas why no one is prescribing him anything?? Will they think I’m mad on Monday?

You’re a good woman to text his friend. This is absolutely the right thing. It takes a village to a raise a child...and a man 😉 you really need help and support so grab it with two hands. I suspect his gp might prescribe something at least in the short term, as this seems a bit beyond just counselling. I think he’ll wish he did it sooner and it will be like a dark cloud has lifted for everyone if he can get that help and accept it. I’m wishing you all good things and hope life does a turnaround xxx

The verbal attacks are entirely diminishing of your mental health and resilience so are a potent weapon in his hands. I appreciate that he undoubtedly has MH problems but his abject refusal to get proper help is utterly selfish and destructive - was he always self-absorbed? You mentioned that you want your husband back so I assume that he has not always been this way.

And the nit-picking, oh god I feel your pain - been there too. On occasion I would just erupt in response when I was pushed to the limits of my endurance and scream at him to F off at the top of my voice (heaven knows what the neighbours thought), but I then paid the price as he would throw or smash something - I realised belatedly that it was always something precious to me, so even in that there was calculation on his part rather than irrationality.

I wonder if this is also a convenient way of avoiding the toddler and baby-wrangling? I don't wish to cast aspersions but he knows that you will always step in.. You can of course do nothing else but it means that the load is passed to you by default whilst he focuses on his own crisis.

He does need to understand that the right and proper thing to do now is to deal with this in whatever way a Dr suggests is optimal. I suspect that anti-D's would be a revelation for him and an enormous benefit correspondingly to you. I can however tell you that if this continues without resolution then it will kill your love for him as your compassion will have to make way for self-preservation so you can protect your precious DC. Try and imagine how you would feel if the situation is still the same in 1, 5, 10 years time ... don't be me.

I don't think he is being prescribed anything because he is being less than frank with the GP. I know that my own H absolutely refuses to accept he is depressed, tells the GP he has anxiety and every Dr he has seen has suggested exercise and talking therapy.

. In despair I saw his regular GP myself about him and although she couldn't for reasons of confidentiality tell me anything specific about his discussions with her, it was quite clear from her reaction to my description of our situation and his behaviour that he had not disclosed any of that to her.

You need to be with him when he sees the Dr and be entirely candid. Ask about anti-d's and tell the Dr you are desperate for something to help or else you will not be able to continue in the relationship.

Does anyone have any ideas why no one is prescribing him anything Because he is lying to the doctors about how bad things are.

That's an entirely reasonable ultimatum otherwise you risk him driving you down with him. My DHs mum is also highly emotional and very dramatic so there is certainly something there. My heart goes out to you OP. Do you have friends who can be there for you either way?

He sounds like he’s under stress but if he won’t help himself I would ask him to move out for a month to give him chance to destress.
It all does seem about him. You are coping with a lot and him as well.
You don’t think he’s had his head turned and hes in a dilemma.
Look up symptoms of depression - is he sleeping through or is he restless, waking early or not being able to get off to sleep, hows his appetite, is he motivated, untested in things, is he hopeful or feeling hopeless, is he suicidal, any plans, hows his mood and can he concentrate - these are some of the questions a good gp will ask - there is no shame - you need to suggest going to the gp together. Tell him you want to support him.
Good luck op but firstly protect yourself and your children🌺

Look up your areas Mental Health Trust website. It should give you information as to 'what to do in a crisis'.

If you have anyone in your home whose behaviour is esculating and you suspect the cause is a Mental Health crisis you CAN still call 999.

If your husband is expressing suicidal thoughts or similar i.e. 'you would all be better off without me' 'Whats the point of me, I may as well be dead' tell him you love him and your concerned for him and want to call 999 for medical help. Inform them how you are seeing the situation and ask for help for an adult who appears to experiencing a mental health crisis. The police have powers to take such a person to what is known as a place of safety i.e a hospitals a&e or a specialist place of safety suite in some areas that is seperate from where they process criminals. In my local area the police when they know its for an adult in a MH crisis try to send out an un-marked car and none uniformed police officers who have at the very least completed the Mental Health First Aid training course. A place of safety can access the oncall crisis team to assess if a person needs immeadiate hospital care, home treatment support, access to the Community Mental Health Team or signposting to related services.

The next bit is complicated. It is not always depression that leads to suicidal thoughts. Men with severe forms of anxiety can sometime present as self destructive and aggresive. It could be he lacks constructive coping stratergies to handle higher levels of stress. Heck it could be something as banal as a vitamain or similar deficency affecting his perceptions and reactions. Its honestly best to describe the sysmptoms you have observed and let Doctors work out what might be the cause.

My eldest son did a good job of keeping how ill he had become from anxiety that it eventually seeped out with strange aggresive behaviours then it exploded out when he started screaming and smashed up my kitchen grabbed the carving knives and announced he was going to kill everyone in the world so no-one would ever know he wanted to kill himself. He was voluntarily sectioned soon after so the psychaitrists could work out what might be going on and so help him.

The following URL's give details on coping with a MH crisis and accessing help.

www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/#.XLIOfKR7mM8

www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

He sounds like he has poor resilience and coping skills. He may or may not be 'depressed' in the traditional sense.

Either way he absolutely needs to take responsibility for himself and his behaviour, mental health is not a get out of jail free card for shouting and screaming at your partner and kids.

And don't pay for his therapy! He can pay himself and engage with it fully or he should leave.

@mary135 and @triballeader thank you. I actually don’t think he has depression symptoms. He’s apitite and sleep pattern is generally normal, he’s anxious and picky and obsessed with stuff though. He is suicidal at times. Said he doesn’t like our child or want to be around him. I do have friends I’m texting but I don’t feel able to walk out and straight into someone else’s home right now if I needed support.

@jiggles101 we have shared finances, we can’t afgord therapy and are in the red the tenth of the month atm with Mat leave. But I have a little cash in my business to pay for it if it would help.

To be honest, if he 'doesn't believe in it' 🙄 you'd probably be wasting your money. People who've been 'sent' rarely engage well and therefore don't get much out of it.

Obviously not diagnosing him but what you've described sounds closer to anxiety than depression.

Forgive me, I haven't read all the posts but do you know about the men-specific helplines?

There are several, depends sometimes on geographical area.

In my experience the NHS is pretty crap where mental health is concerned, I was simply given a phone number to call, doing so revealed there was a 42 week wait to see a real life human being who would decide if I needed any treatment. This was after being physically dragged to A&E by a friend due to quite severe bulimia and an overdose. I genuinely don’t think I would have survived for 42 weeks.

I sought help privately, I was seen the next day, I wasn’t initially prescribed medication until I had been having six weeks of therapy, I was then prescribed it. I couldn’t afford it at the time so a friend paid until I managed to go back to work. My therapist is however able to advise my GP what medication I need, so I do get my medication via an NHS prescription which is a lot cheaper especially if you buy a prepayment card.

Work places often provide private health care, have you looked to see if it is available?

@simonjt I’m sorry your experience was shit. We are both on the nhs wait lists for therapy. I have six phone sessions through work I’ve had two. He fucked up the first one... another story. He has nada through work and stat pay if he’s off sick more than 2 weeks. I’m willing to pay for him to see someone.

I know about the male helplines, thanks. I’ll suggest again. He rang Samaritans years ago and said they weren’t understanding and stuck up for me!

In my experience the NHS is pretty crap where mental health is concerned

This. Its definitely worth going private for an intial consultation. Then getting your prescriptions on the NHS. In my experience NHS will minimise the condition and your situation. They are overwhelmed. They are more likely to say 'Yes he is alright and not really willing or able to dig deeper'. A professional is much more able to see behind a mask of a client. That is what they are trained for. They also expect info from you OP.

Yeah, that's why I suggested a bloke one, might be more suitable.

Wales has a general mh helpline called CALL.

I think the hardest bit is that first step but he dies sound in a bad way. I really feel for you. So hard.

I get the feeling that this has come about because you both feel alone. You've both been dealing with very difficult situations all at once and the very person you need - your rock - hasn't been there for you at the very time you most needed it. This has, I'm sure led to mutual resentment and now it's resulting in you pulling apart rather than together. Is there any tiny bridge that could be built that could trigger the process of re-enjoying each other, of expressing your love and support for each other?

@singlemumfighting god I never thought of this so a psychiatrist? Privately?

I think depression and anxiety are quite hard to separate and linked. If you can afford a private appointment at least it might get him talking

@Cmagic7 yes I feel alone. I can give details of how he’s completly fallen short in supporting me around the retriggering Of childhood abuse, not acknowledging the anniversary of someone importants death on the same day I had a medical diagnosis he never asked about... yes I am alone. I build bridges a lot. We are getting a take away after I’ve put our kids to bed because he’s not capable. I never stonewall him. I’m trying.

You can access properly qualified psychiatric help privately online. Trying to remember if they do emergency situations but they'll defo do an assessment.

A word of caution, not all GPs will do shared care. Lots do tho, others will refer to the local mental health team, even with a care plan done by a psychiatrist.