I think my DH is having a breakdown

[Mercier1]

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

Simon you're talking about a private psychiatrist, therapists don't prescribe medication (unless you're in the US where they're all MDs.

Psychiatrists don't practice psychotherapy as standard in the U.K, although some will have done extra training.

Yes OP. A Psychiatrist specialising in mood/anxiety disorders. Think of The Priory. They have renamed themselves now. You can arrange an appointment over the phone. You do not have to have a referral from your GP. I will say even the receptionists are well trained to help you.

Oh OP, I really hope he turns the corner then somehow. It sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can.

Said he doesn’t like our child or want to be around him

You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread, but for some reason people have been skipping past this.

I don’t want to seem like I’m ‘sticking the boot in’, but if my DH ever told me he didn’t like our toddler and didn’t want to be around him, I would tell him to fuck off. The moment those words came out if his mouth I would cease giving a shit about his pathetic feelings and get his toxic influence away from my child.

How can you still care about him and want to help him when he’s said something like that? My heart breaks for your little boy. He’ll be able to tell his dad doesn’t like him, even if he doesn’t yet have the language to articulate it.

And it’s not even as if he’s really trying to get help. He’s lying to his GP, won’t consider counselling. Won’t be medicated. He just expects you all to put up with his shit.

I think your plan is a good one. Get him to leave. Protect your lovely toddler. And don’t have him back until he’s sorted himself out.

You’ll do much better without him than you think. Because you’ll finally have the headspace to focus on yourself and your children instead of focussing everything on him and his drama.

@singlemumfighting do you have any idea of costs? I have no private health insurance etc

He needs to ask for help and take some responsibility no one can force him.

I get it i really do, I have bipolar/PTSD and my DH has paranoid schizophrenia . We both take medication are open with family and doctors and in the past I have had to stay apart from my DC (DH hasn't but he has been stable a long time so it's never been an issue yet) it broke my fucking heart having to keep them at arms lengths while I got my head sorted but it was in there best interests.

I really feel for you.

OP I know you're having a really shit time of it, but from your posts, it reads to me like you are prioritising your DH over your DC.

I adore my DH, we have a 27 year history and he's a good man - but if he was even remotely horrible to our DC, he would be gone.

I think he does need help - and so do you, but you need to put your DC and yourself first. Maybe telling him that you can't live together until he's sought proper help would be the wake up call he needs? Do you even know if he attended the GP?

I am not sure about the numbers but around 280 for intial consultation. Then about 150-200 per 30 mins after that.

If you think about having 3-4 appointments over a year it becomes affordable and worth it for the stability.

I don’t know how much my initial consultation was, but I pay £275 for an hours session once a week.

@JaneEyre07 where do you get that from my posts? My husband screwed up once by screaming at our son and I’m here discussing living apart. My kids come first and that’s what I will be expressing to him when they both are asleep. I want my husband to get help so he can be the dad he normally is. Also on a very practical level I have no idea how I will cope without my husbands help with stuff so I’m not exactly desperate to make myself a single mother right away. Because then I really might fall apart. I have no one else. I’m trying to cope as best I can. I am working on talking things through with my toddler, feelings emotions etc. What else can I do right now?

OP your posts read like you are the only one doing any work on this situation. If your DH won’t engage with getting well, you cannot fix things single handedly. You sound worn out and at the end of your tether. For your own well-being I think you need some distance. You need to look after yourself so you can look after your two very young children. Let the grown up adult man look after himself.

I don’t think you’re necessarily putting your DH before your DCs. But I am really struggling to understand how you could even bear to look at your DH after he admitted he didn’t like your child or want to be around him.

For very personal reasons, OP, I don't believe that someone's poor mental health is a free pass to make others peoples lives a misery.

Children only get one childhood, and once you become afraid of a parent, that will stay with you for life.

I don't mean to be rude, far from it

Honestly I would ask him to go and stay with his parents. He doesn't sound safe around your children.

You can't fix him. He needs to want to help himself. Let his parents support him while you focus on your children - you can't do everything, it's too much for one person to carry.

Hugs and 💐. It sounds like you are in a shit position with your DH. He is not being honest with the medical side so not getting immediate help. This is having consequences in the home which could get drastically worse.

I have been there to an extent except instead of acting out, my ex would fall asleep when in charge of our toddlers. They would get into all sorts of trouble ie cutting electric cords with scissors, cutting the blinds cords and more. It was a real safety risk. He did eventually get medication but then would forget to take them. Asked me to remind him! Ummmm, no! I had my own to take and was fighting my own battles.

I truly get it. I agree with your ultimatum of GP with you or go to your parents. He is becoming unsafe in the household. If you ever think he is suicidal, please, call the police or ambulance.

You don’t have to take on the responsibility for fixing this. It’s okay to say it’s too much for you to cope with right now. There is support out there for him, from people in a better position to give it than you.

You cannot and should not be his partner and therapist. That’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

Also, where is your support? Who’s looking out for you? If he won’t, you must.

'I have no idea how I will cope with stuff without his help'

Of course you will cope, just like millions of single mums cope. That is not a reason to stay with someone who is refusing to help himself in anyway and making all your lives worse.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Even without all this extra tension, having a new baby and toddler is a huge strain on individuals and a relationship. And I definitely see that you are not putting DH first.

However throwing things at the wall and talking about suicide is very extreme. The shouting is not great but not a deal breaker, but some of his other behaviour is.
I've been where you are. My DH was severely ill, depressed and anxious and got angry with ds1 over something stupid, i went upstairs with him and told him it was unacceptable, he said he couldn't cope with life, punched a wall, my DC's heard it downstairs and were so worried. I waited till things were a bit calmer, went back upstairs and said that in the morning he was going to the gp or the kids and I were going to an Airbnb - because we both love our children too much to raise them like that.

The next day he went to the gp and came home with antidepressants and a referral for private counselling. He went through both, and nothing like that has happened again in the 3 years since (or did in the 12 years prior). I do believe that these kind of things can be one offs but ONLY if the person responsible is willing to accept responsibility and to get help, and if the partner is going to stand their ground about acceptable behaviour.
From what you're describing, he's not ready to seek help or take responsibility, and if that is the case, how on earth can he change the situation?

Man what a fucking night. I tried my ultimatum and was called an unempathetic bitch. Was told a court wouldn’t look favourably on my anti depressants and that I had shown my true colours. He is off his rocker imo. He was like be careful you never loose your tempter with them. . . He is just a broken man. I don’t even know what to say anymore but he was going on and on and I just shouted at him and woke my eldest up. Ffs. He was like you don’t nurture me and I’m like oh and when have you nurtured me. He started talking about years ago, I was like what about x y z that’s happened recently? He had no answer but apparently I should still be hugging him. Also I’m apparently cold. I give up.

I've worked with two men with anxiety. One had had a nervous breakdown. He told people this and he told people his limitations caused by his anxiety, eg couldn't do busy transport, couldn't do presentations, needed to be near a loo. He took every bit of help he was offered, counselling, etc. He worked hard at getting better. He was a top bloke who had had a really hard time. He did improve massively over time.
The other guy refused help, felt sorry for himself, was a ginormous arsehole, ended up becoming abusive as a result of his anxiety. It sort of turned delusional, helped by alcohol i think.

I really think it illustrates what is ok and what isn't in relationships with people with mental health difficulties. Someone who says "i cannot cope. I will get help" is very very different from what you're dealing with. He might be a broken man but his response to that is up to him. He can try to fix it by seeking help. He's not doing that. He's actually attacking you for doing your best to get him to seek help. This isn't his mental illness. He's still in charge of his response.

He sounds utterly unpredictable and unwilling to change anything or get help. That frantic fear and agitation can be extremely dangerous.

I'm not trying to be overdramatic but I would find some way of getting away with the children to keep them safe from him. He is telling you he doesn't like your son. Things could escalate horribly - of course it's rare but it's not worth that minute chance.

It sounds like he has 'burn out' Burn out

If so even decision such as what to make for breakfast may be too much for him. I know you have 2 DC to look after but I think you will need to do all there care and his thinking for him to allow him time to recover.

Doing the garden will be good for him to relax where there is no pressure on him to make a right decision (as in the right choice for dinner).

Once the pressure is off for a week or 2 and you can show him some research and coping strategies for burn out (if you think this fits) hopefully he will recover quickly.

It also would explain the reaction to your ultimatum as he just isn't mentally in a place to process that right now. If you think he needs to leave the house for a while and stay at his mum's, state it as a fact but that it is so he rest and recover and you are still there for him.

wishing you both the best.

Hi OP, I have just read the whole thing and you are really in a pickle, you poor thing. I think issuing the ultimatum and involving his Dad are your only option. Sounds like there is something more medical going on than simply PND. Perhaps getting his Dad to come and witness him in his environment might help get him to the doctor. I live in a different country, have you thought about calling an ambulance for his mental health? This might force the issue as well. (Your safety and your children’s is at risk, I suspect.)

If I say he is unwilling to get help he cites three doctor visits and says it’s controlling of me to want to come. And that I’m obsessed with medicating him.

Someone mentioned upthread about my toddler and comments he made about him. Thing is this isn’t my husband in his right mind. They’ve git a fab relationship and adore each other the issue is my husband has lost his patience now and can’t see clearly. I will admit the attitude he took to him shocked me, In that moment I said this is your child you can’t just dump him, because that’s what it was like. A relationship that he wanted out of.

I now basically have to go softly softly with him and frankly I’m loosing patience myself 😥

It's a massive manipulation and you need to protect YOURSELF. He will do anything rather than admit his mental health problem and that includes telling people you are controlling and abusive and 'mad'. I put up with years of this and in the my ex finally ended up on long term antidepressants but told everyone it was because of putting up with living with me. He was unstable and just like your H from the day I met him. He is in complete denial and you need to protect yourself and your DC because when you really have had enough and end it, he will blame it all on you and want to take your child. The biggest problem he has is living in denial and manipulating the truth. You should stop protecting him and start telling the truth to anyone who will listen. Start by talking to your GP about how this insane and abusive behaviour is affecting you and about how to safeguard your child. I'm sorry for ranting but reading your posts about how to help him is like watching a slow-motion car crash. No offence intended. It's all about him and you and your son are very vulnerable.