I think my DH is having a breakdown

[Mercier1]

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

Sorry but
I wouldn’t talk to his friend about him unless you could 100% trust the friend.
These men have the potential to be highly dangerous and an act like this could go either way. Tell only people you trust 100% .
People that are not familiar/ experienced / trained in dealing with domestic violence have the potential to cause disaster regardless of how well meaning they are.
If he is simply an abusive manipulator and not a man in the midst of a mental health crisis , exposing him amongst his male friends could make him massively angry and could have Terri le consequences for your children.

Terrible

Also I’d swerve his mother
Big time
Repeat this mantra to yourself
”no friend of his is a friend of mine“
This will hurt initially , but it’s part of protecting yourself from minimisers.

Yes this is currently an abusive relationship- whatever problems he has, he scared his child, smashed things and has treated you appallingly. You need to be clear and firm in your mind. He needs to go until he has found help and things have dramatically improved as this has the potential to tip into something worse.

Reading your posts OP, your husband needs help and it sounds like he is too unwell to be able to see this for himself.

It's all well and good posters saying he won't seek help etc but he has seen 3 different GPs. None of us know what has happened in those appts but we all know that some GPs are better than others, some are willing to give you the time you need and others don't listen and just want to get you out as fast as possible. Maybe he has minimised his symptoms - not because he doesn't care or wants to be like this but maybe because he feels he needs to be strong or is ashamed or maybe is unable to recognise what is happening. Maybe if he saw a good dr that he trusts and who knows the right questions to ask then he would be able to open up and get the right treatment.

A man sitting downstairs alone at 5am crying and expressing suicidal thoughts sounds broken and unwell. I'm not sure it's advisable for you to then start telling him that he doesn't help you, doesn't ask how you are etc. If he were collapsed with chest pain you would call 999 not sit there telling him how little help he gives you. I see this as a mental health emergency and I think you should be getting him help urgently.

I don't know what else you can do. It is awful for you and your children. Yes you need support but it can't come from your husband at the moment because he isn't well enough to give it. He urgently needs help. If you can't get it for him maybe call his parents and tell them that they need to help him.

I think the thing is OP, you’re a bit inured to exactly how bad this is.

Screaming ‘go to fucking sleep’ at a toddler is pretty terrible in any circumstances. But as PP has said, if you ever found yourself at that point, you’d be going over and above to make your toddler feel loved and secure so that they know you didn’t mean it.

Your DH can’t even give the poor little boy breakfast without screaming at him and terrifying him.

This is bad OP. The things you’re describing are untenable. But I think you’re so lost in the woods you can’t see the trees. Some of what you’ll be reading on this thread will be a bit confronting for you, but please don’t dismiss the advice because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

There is support out there for you financially and practically. Don’t let money be the only reason you keep yourself and your children in this toxic environment. Too many women find themselves trapped that way, when there is actually always a way out.

A man sitting downstairs alone at 5am crying and expressing suicidal thoughts sounds broken and unwell. I'm not sure it's advisable for you to then start telling him that he doesn't help you, doesn't ask how you are etc. If he were collapsed with chest pain you would call 999 not sit there telling him how little help he gives you. I see this as a mental health emergency and I think you should be getting him help urgently

I agree he sounds very unwell. But OP is not a mental health professional and can no more help him with that than she would know how to help him if he had a heart attack.

He needs outside help. And he needs to be away from OP and the children for a while until, if ever, he can be trusted not to act like and abusive arsehole around them again.

As for being a single parent that’s a whole other clusterfuck as I couldn’t afford our home, and i have no income atm. Dunno what I would do.

You need a plan for this. Hopefully not long term, but it's your sticking point right now. I empathise completely with it being hard; my parents are dead and whenever anything happens, I get asked why I don't go home. There isn't one to go to!

But you need a plan. A way that you'd be able to pay the mortgage for a bit, or somewhere to go. Could you increase your income via your business? Would you be entitled to help if he left? Entitledto.com is pretty good for benefit entitlements so you could run the calculator without him and see what position you'd be in.

Once it's clear in your head that this isn't your only option, you'll be in a better place. He is clearly a broken man and it does sound like he's in the midst of a breakdown, but he's refusing help and until he can engage with it, he's on a downward spiral and he's dragging you all down with him. Sometimes there is nothing else you can do but protect his children and hold everything together for him to possibly return to when he's finished self-destructing and starts to recover.

I would not be budging on him going to his parents for a few days at least. It would be hard, especially with a constipated toddler (and I second the glycerin suppositories suggestion!) but they have to be put first here and your husbands spiral will hurt them.

And I say this as both someone who remembers my mother's breakdowns from three onwards, and who has had one myself. You cannot make someone engage with help. You can't stop him destroying himself until HE wants to. He's not there yet.

Yes to everything above.
It’s hard but it isn’t impossible.
Your husband has told you he’s suicidal.
He told you he doesn’t like your child.
He loses control when he’s angry.
This is a super dangerous trio of characteristics, And he must not be left alone with your children.

I agree he sounds very unwell. But OP is not a mental health professional and can no more help him with that than she would know how to help him if he had a heart attack.

Absolutely, I agree, the OP can't provide the help but I do think that she needs to call for the help, by dialling 999 if needs be. Using the heart attack analogy you wouldn't sit and watch someone have a heart attack because you aren't a heart surgeon, you would call for an ambulance so that the appropriate treatment could be obtained.

This man might be just too unwell to recognise that he needs help. Maybe he is abusive etc but I think I would be deciding my next steps only after I was sure that he had been seen and assessed by the right people.

If the OP doesn't feel able to help then maybe she should leave with the children and hand responsibility to his parents.

Dont leave the children with his parents.
He may manipulative them into thinking it’s YOU that is crazy and you may never get them back.

Report your husbands abuse.

Oh sorry ignore , I misread

Thank is for your comments all, I’m thinking. A lot. He’s being very calm and nice. Getting on great with kids and no issues. He did get upset when I asked could he not do the garden thing he wanted too until we had done some housework first, when I questioned why he was upset he said he’s sensitive. Honestly it’s like I can’t saying anything in disagreement or he will cry.

Regards @littlechristmasmouse comment I did not say those things when he was downstairs alone. I said them last night when he called me an unempathetic bitch and how I wasn’t nurturing him. Fair imo. When he was crying alone etc I hugged him and said I love you. I didn’t put any additional stress. I only spoke about my own needs when he started chatting shit about ‘the courts’ 🤔

Re the 3 gp’s the first one told him about drugs and therapy and gave him info, he went off to think (do nothing) second one said he was stressed and needed to get his priorities in order. I know he saw this one because I saw him too and told him how worried I was. I subsequently (last week) phoned that gp and said I was getting H in and that he was in a bad way, doc said I’ll do my best to get him to talk. And instead he saw a locum who told him to get his endorphins up, and take 2 weeks off work.
That’s where we are now.

I accept some of the behaviour is abusive but I don’t know how to explain that to him, without a blow up. Also my toddler is being really affectionate to him which I’m reading as a behaviour coming from insecurity. He said he had smashed up his glasses to the toddler, I said last night it’s ok to lie to him to protect him ... he didn’t shout at the toddler over breakfast I don’t think he just walked away and left him because he couldn’t cope with him. A better strategy I guess but less than ideal.

It might be worth writing to his GP to express what you are seeing and why you have concerns that he is not well and that he may be finding it difficult to let the GP know how much whatever is going on is impacting his family life and if approbriate wider social/work life.

That way you can flag your concerns to a GP without being at the appointment itself so his GP can begin to work out what options to suggest. If you have witnissed him in suicidal moments write it down and try and note the time of day they happened and for how long.

Often it can take a while to gather enough of the jigsaw pieces for a Dr to work out what could be going on and to then work out what could help.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds horrendous. Some of his behaviour towards you and your toddler is shit, and yes abusive, but he does sound very unwell, which must be awful to see in someone you love.

For what it's worth, I think you are dealing with an incredible amount. I myself have recently cracked and started taking anti-depressants with a lot less pressure than you are dealing with.

But, what strikes me from your posts is just how much you are shouldering which could potentially be shared. Such as emotional support for him from his dad and his friend, more babysitting off his mum, paying for some practical support.
Unburdening yourself of his day-to-day issues and moods would also bring some form of relief to all of you I think. If he were to leave at least while he sought help, however long that took, there would be financial support for you to access. And his financial responsibilities wouldn't absolve either. It might also help him to get some clarity.

You don't need for him to agree his behaviour is abusive, as long as you know it is unacceptable and untenable. If he claims you are unempathetic again, maybe ask him why he feels you should accept and empathise with this behaviour if he doesn't even feel it signifies he's s unwell enough for medication?

I hope this period of calm lasts long enough for you to make a plan and get support

I accept some of the behaviour is abusive but I don’t know how to explain that to him, without a blow up.

Explain it to him? If he cared he wouldn’t be speaking to you like this. He doesn’t need it explaining to him, he’s choosing to threaten you with courts etc.

It isn’t your job to explain it to him.
When you do you empower him to do more of the same. All you must do is recognise what he’s doing (through sickness or intentionally) and then take steps to remove yourself from the situation.

Ime gps are really bad at spotting male depression.

I’ve no solutions only came on to say you aren’t alone.

My husband starting doing all this, getting angry st baby who he originally adored etc he has anxiety and ocd so he suffers anyway.. but he was getting angry .. lke ridiculously angry about her crying and was verbally lashing out. “Im not seeing a counsellor, I don’t want someone telling me what’s wrong with me” “I’m fine” or “I know what’s wrong with me I don’t want to sit and talk about it, it’s pointless. We can do that ourselves.” .. turns out he’d had an affair and was so ashamed and guilty he just lost it..

He’s now depressed and living with his mummy 👌🏽

And I think it started as make PND but he just carried on and wouldn’t try and fix it..
so he needs to try and fix that shit. You don’t need that:
Give him an ultimatum.. see the gp or a counsellor or move out for a while 🤷🏼‍♀️

Still reading replies thank you everyone. Will update tomorrow after GP visit.

Good luck, Mercier1. I hope GP is more helpful this time. I hope you are going in armed with notes so you don’t cry and get accused of this being YOUR problem.

Hi OP

How are things?

I’ve been thinking about you - you’re definitely not alone, there’s lots of us in a similar position. Did you manage to get your DH to the GP?

@Loveishope thank you. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t. He wanted to do as the doc had suggested and give it a chance to get better. He is a bit better for sure but I still don’t feel great about things. Sigh.