Why am I so upset, what's wrong with me. narcissist ex.

[getoveritatlast]

I've been here so many times before heartbroken over this one man who treats me like crap. I go running back begging and apologising for things I haven't done until I feel I've pleased him again. Then I end up laying next to him in tears as he's made me feel so worthless again.
Only this time I made the decision I didn't want it. I've backed off since Christmas time and shown no interest. I even felt like he was hurt by this. I felt strong and empowered but mostly proud of myself that 5 years down the line it was me who made the decision I was done and deserved more.
So can someone please tell me why now I've laid in floods of tears every day this week because I miss him and I want him back. I've messaged him and I don't know why. He's told me he needs time to think. I can't stop messaging. I'm apologising I'm telling him il be better this time. I've told him il treat him so much better, (don't know how I did everything for him while he did nothing but upset me). I'm in a mess. I miss him I need him to tell me he still cares about me. He's just ignoring me now. He's with someone else and I can't cope with the thought.
I am being ridiculous because I know he's no good for me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't do anything other than cry and message him.
What is wrong with me how do I get over him

[Chocmallows]

LTB.

[getoveritatlast]

*i think (pretty certain) he's with someone else.

[eve34]

They draw you in with the good persona. You know that is their true character. But we hope to see the good times more than the bad

Have you had any counselling. I know that gets said a lot. It will help to talk things through. If you feel that you really can't get past it emotionally I suggest seeing your gp. I know medication isn't for everyone. But it will level out the highs/lows. And help you function.

[Gruzinkerbell1]

Block him. You need to go back to cold turkey. This man is not good for you, he is not your future. You deserve so much better.

Be kind to yourself and maybe book an appointment with your GP or a counsellor.

[springydaff]

Go to this and this

Read this

Go here

You are far from alone but it is an addiction which is why you get to a certain point and it yanks your chain and you're helpless again, grovelling. Go to my first suggestion - if it's a distance then travel xx

[getoveritatlast]

It's so bloody hard. I am really struggling. Is it worth seeing a counsellor? It's just me being pathetic. I feel sick all day at the minute. I'm on a roll at the minute for not messaging...keep me strong please.
Going for a soak now, will definitely have a read of the links thank you

[getoveritatlast]

@springydaff the second link brought up an Alexa 🙈

[Iooselipssinkships]

I think narcs are harder to get over than most. They show you a love that doesn't really exist in this world, the fairytale love, the feeling of being soul mates, you both against the world. Love isn't really like that, it grows, it's steady, it's honest and hell it can even be boring.
You've been sold a lie and that is hard to come to terms with.
Treat this as drug addiction, you keep trying but you'll never get that initial high again. Keep going and dont beat yourself up too much if you replace, that's all part of recovery.

[Wheresmyvagina]

You're addicted to him. You need to get some professional help to get over it. Get some therapy.

[jenn88]

You poor sausage!! You're addicted to him! Unfortunately you need to cut him off completely! It's the best way! It's hard and it will feel horrible but you will feel sooo much better for it!
It's good to cry and it's good to feel pain but it goes away!!!!
Please be strong and if you feel you can't message on here instead!!
One day you will look back and feel so baffled as to why you cared!!
I used to be obsessed with a lad who treated me like absolute shite, he would demand sex and force me into public disabled toilets for it etc. But I still felt like I owed him everything and couldn't leave him alone! I look back now and I feel so silly and so foolish! Honestly I try and not remember!!
Be strong xxxxxxxx

[getoveritatlast]

I really really want to block him on everything and act like he doesn't exist, I just can't bring myself to do it! Clearly checking when he was last online is much better for me. Ffs what is wrong with me!
It's been years! We've been here before. He could go for a month or two and as soon as I'm feeling myself and confident again he's back and I crumble. I have a horrible unhealthy need to please him and be wanted by him. I've been ok while I felt in control and wanted by him. Now he's not there I feel like I can't cope. It's not normal. I'm ashamed of myself and how I've acted.

[getoveritatlast]

I'm acting*

[ceecee32]

I am just about coming out of the other side of this. Not sure if it will help but I certainly understand how you feel.

In my case, he ended things last July. I was fine for about 3 months and then completely fell apart. I couldnt do anything without crying and sobbing irrationally. It didnt help that I kept seeing him at social events, people used to say that he flirted with me all the time and he interspersed this with being vile to me. Looking back, every time I tried to forget him he dragged me back.

I finished up seeing a counsellor, I couldnt see any other way of getting through it and I didnt want to take anti-depressants. It was the counsellor who said that he had a narcissistic personality. That they way he was behaving was typical. He was/is also seeing someone else and I was irrationally jealous - she said that he would do the same to her as he did to me. But I dont think he has - she has his photo on her facebook page with love hearts round it (vomit)

I couldnt understand why I couldnt cope - she said people cope until they dont. It was great that she put things into context and tried to get me to see that it wasnt all my fault - that he had just made me believe that. I stopped counselling about 4 weeks ago after 10 sessions. I was just going over and over old ground. It was good to go and speak to someone and get my inner distress out.

I still cant get him out of my head but it isnt all emcompassing now. I have started to see that time will heal. I have also started to see that the person my head thinks he is and the person that he really is are not the same.
Would still have him back though........ :(

[ceecee32]

Just adding to my post

I couldnt block him either. I seem to have a need to know when he has been online. No idea why - it doesnt help

[Lottaberry]

Hi OP,
Been there before - only things that help are time (lots of it, it gets better with each day) and possibly a new crush/obsession (even if it doesn't work out with the new crush, it will make the getting over guy 1 a lot easier and softer blow really.

I too had the compulsion to check if he's online all day.

@ceecee32 you say your ex narc hasn't treated his new victim (partner) badly but from the timescale you've put, it's not that long ago since you broke up and he's grooming his latest victim - there's still time for things to go wrong between them I think.

[getoveritatlast]

It's nice to hear I'm not completely insane. I feel it!
I don't know what it is with the online thing...I think it's because I know his routine and when he's usually online..so if he hasn't been for a certain period at a certain time of day then I know he's with someone.
Why do I want to be with somebody who has destroyed everything about me? I have no confidence I can barely look like at myself in the mirror. He's told me I'm fat. Who would want me and all my baggage. He's said this the whole time we have been together.
He's also been so amazingly wonderful. He's made me happier than anyone else ever has and I doubt ever will. It's such a head fuck. I want him back and it's wrong because he's bad for me. I need to get that in to my head

[OldAndWornOut]

Make a list of all the horrible things he's done and said (I'm sure there are plenty!) all the things that have made you uneasy, and keep looking at that list.
Actions speak louder than words, if you allow them to.
Do his words and his actions match? I doubt it, somehow, but I do know exactly how you feel because I've been there.

[getoveritatlast]

No they don't match, until now, while he totally ignores me because he needs time to think. I asked him to tell me he doesn't care anymore and doesn't want me in his life, I said I'd walk forever. I said you won't ever have to hear from me again if you can just tell me that you don't care. Why won't he? I feel like if he told me he didn't care I'd be able to walk away in that moment. Instead it's 4am and I can't sleep again 😫

[Itsallpointless]

He won’t tell you because you’ve asked him to. He’ll tell you in his own time right? He needs to keep your attention, why would he give that up? This erm ‘man’ is playing with your emotions, because he can, because you allow him to.

You need to take control of this situation. You don’t need him to tell you he doesn’t care, you need to do what YOU need to do to rid yourself of this parasite.

Your self esteem is shot to pieces, get some help for that.

It’s not easy OP

[DianaT1969]

How was your childhood? Did anyone leave you, or not give you attention/validation? Could you be working out some issues from then?
If so, might reading sell-help books help while you wait for therapy?
When you are about to text him, stop yourself by picturing him and his new woman laughing at the text together.
You ask why he won't tell you that he doesn't care about you. As if his not telling you is evidence he still cares. It isn't.
What has he done to show you that he cares and wants to make you happy? Nothing.
That's your evidence. He probably gets a kick out of having you in the background desperate for him.
Even when you 'took back control" this year, you were still imagining what effect it was having on him. The euphoria was from a sense of you finally winning - beating him at his own game. But you weren't over him and truly moving on.
Good luck. I think the first start is to delete his number, block him and remove him from social media.

[getoveritatlast]

Any recommendations of books to read??
Nothing from my childhood flagging up no. It's just him, he literally promised me the world. He fed me a fairytale and I'm still waiting for it. On one hand he has gave me more than anyone else in this world, more experiences, more happiness, he's treated me better than anyone. He's taken me away more times than I can remember, he's bought me everything I ever wanted, he's made me so happy. I'd happily never go anywhere and just sit with him doing nothing and I'd be happy.
Then you flip to the other hand and hes hurt me more than anyone ever has, and more times than anyone put together. He's knocked my confidence, he's put me down and he's made me feel completely worthless. I can barely look at myself now without being disgusted because of him.
I can't help but wonder if it's just me being dramatic and it's all my doing. If I'd have acted different and not done things wrong we wouldn't be in this mess now.
On a positive I've not contacted him for a record amount of time. Need to not crumble when I get in to bed. Having crazy heart palpitations tonight too and that just makes me want to have a cuddle

[OldAndWornOut]

This guy is interesting to watch.

[getoveritatlast]

@OldAndWornOut it's just a picture of shield and sword won't play anything 😭

[OldAndWornOut]

Oh really?
That's strange..
It works when I click it.
Its a shame because it is pretty on point about why people still yearn for someone who is no good for them.

[IcecreamCustard]

I think narcs are harder to get over than most. They show you a love that doesn't really exist in this world, the fairytale love, the feeling of being soul mates, you both against the world. Love isn't really like that, it grows, it's steady, it's honest and hell it can even be boring.

had a relationship like this, like a moth to a flame I begged him back. It was toxic. Mine promised me everything, he had never felt that way, the future was all about us etc. Then he turned around and broke up with me one day. It was so out of the blue, I pleaded to try again. He said I wasn't adventurous enough so I tried to change. It was never enough for him. We were on and off for four years. In the end I got stronger and argued back and eventually found the strength to finish it. It took me so long afterwards to realise there was nothing defective about me. He said I was 'damaged' which was the last straw. I deleted and blocked his number about two years ago. There is no possibility of friendship.

Good on you for not contacting him, you did it for so long, now don't do it again.