Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.

[Crustaceans]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

No idea rich I think we all want different things at different times and it depends on what went wrong in first marriage what we would look for next time.

You’re not too old to have marriage and kids but unless you are looking for younger I would expect a lot of women in their mid 30s to have kids and therefore not always loads of time. I do know lots of women in there early 30s who are very keen to settle down and start a family. Keep looking I am sure you will find her and get the family you desire

itsamiricle usually I would have people stay at mine (if things got serious) or just see them on the day I don’t have my dd’s. He seems to be looking for something more serious than I am, im not really looking for someone to stay over (I like my bed to myself). He has his children most weekends so I wouldn’t be able to see him on the one day I’m child free. He has 2 children from 2 relationships so he doesn’t have them both at the same time, though he has them both 50% of the time or more.

Rich I think that is a very strange thing for your friend to say to you. I am probably more discerning now than I was when I was younger, as I have had more experience and am more self aware. So my standards are definitely higher these days. Do you think that is what she was rather clumsily saying to you in her drunken state?

At 39 you are plenty young enough to have kids of your own. One of my good friends got married at 40 and started her family at 42 and her DH is the same age as her, and did not have any kids before he met her. Regarding your experience of dating divorced women, maybe they are delighted to meet someone who is kind and emotionally intelligent. Would you be prepared to have a relationship and kids with someone who already had one or more children if they were open to having more children?

@richdeniro people flit between a need for adventure and security in their relationships and lives. It's often the reason why relationships end as their needs get a little diverse.

You just need to be upfront about what you are looking for on a dating profile - security - for a family then you will attract the right person as perhaps most women your age have been there and done it and want a bit of adventure and fun again. Perhaps when dating they realise what you want they realise you are not right for them as they don't need the security thing any more.

richdeniro I'm not really sure what the comment about you being a great second husband means if I'm honest 🤷.

I'm 32, was with my ex 11 years (never married) and have a 4 year old together. I would say he was a 'jack the lad' type. Too much drink, all humour, nothing serious, a bit of a dick understatement and all about the pub and his mates. What I'm looking for now is VERY different to that but that's for obvious reasons.

I would say, I purposely go for guys who have children already but more because it makes it easier without regards to planning as they just get I need to plan 3 weeks in advance 😉. I also don't want to have more children so I think it makes that slightly easier if they already have them.

Also as LilyRose88 said, my standards are way higher these days. And I'm definitely more self aware.

richdeniro there was a conversation a few pages back about those of us with kids not dating those without. I think many of us with kids would be reluctant to date someone without kids because they might not understand our lifestyle and commitment to our children. I personally felt that it would be because I'd be denying someone like you the chance to have kids.

I’m also not keen on dating someone without kids. I don’t think you can fully ‘get’ what having kids entails unless you have them yourself. I worry a bit that MrSAS’s kids are older (one at uni, one about to finish school) as he asked me my views on travelling and as much as I love the idea, realistically it’s going to be a good few years until I have the freedom to do that.

I have dated a few people without children, some have been really childish and selfish (because they have only ever had to think about themselves), some have been desperate to find someone to have children with and some have been really odd 🤣. I would rather date someone with older grown up kids but it seems hard to find anyone as a lot of men seem to have had another lot (or one single child) with a 2nd marriage/relationship and people seem to be having kids a lot later in life. I had my dd’s When I was young, I’m 37 and they are now 13 and 15 but most ment my age have very young children and even men in their late 40’s seem to have young children. For me I would rather be single than date someone who has very young children, I did the step parent thing with my ex (dsd was only 3 when we met) and although I’m close to my step children I don’t want to do it again, it wasn’t easy at all, I guess because my life has been so hectic since I met ex husband at the age of 20, I would now like a easy life and a partner who doesn’t have to share his time between several children, a dog, a ex wife and me.

Catching up on the X-thousand messages since I last checked in...

So the paying half thing - on a first date, it would just be coffees anyway, I'd just get my wallet out first with ample opportunity for her to interrupt and offer half! I've never been on a date where she hasn't offered, it would be an alarm bell if I thought the woman believed that "men pay the bills" as some kind of traditional etiquette.

I've only had one recent date with a woman who doesn't have or want kids and I had the sense that it was a subject best avoided. Many seem to go to pains to point out how great they get on with their nieces, nephews etc.

Thanks for the responses regarding dutch. We stayed for 3 drinks and had some starters to share. So, I think what probably made it worse was that I was drinking water, so it felt awkward buying three drinks for her in a row, without me actually drinking. I think drinking water was a mistake. We hadn't planned to eat, it just came up and I was on a really low calorie drive but I had cut too hard for the day. Now, at this point, I was probably cognitively compromised due to calorie deficit. I think the waiter came up and asked if we needed any more drinks and she asked for one. Now that I think about, maybe she had offered to get the first round, and I had insisted I got it. Then I got the last one because it was on the tab with the food, although I recall she tried to leave some cash for the drink and I said it was okay, I would get it. Christ the more I tell the more a disaster it sounds

Anyway, I think the upshot is to assume to pay for all unless you broach the subject beforehand and agree rounds or similar. And eat properly that day. And stop being a pussy and drink something other than water.

Yes, I have to say if a guy drank nothing but water on a date I would find that a bit odd. I know not everyone drinks (which would also put me off as I love to share a bottle of wine) but sometbing other than water would be better!

@Sunshineandflipflops I was driving so no alcohol, no caffeine on docs order, no sugar on my own orders. Left me with water. Not a mistake I will make again. We were there for 3 hours which is pretty impressive for a first date. I think the woman was a bit of an alki. Two glasses of red wine then drove.

@MrDrummer I always offer to pay half myself but I do like it when the man pays, but then I cover the extras plus the next date if there is one. I think this must get pricey for men these days. Its got me thinking, I have a park date this week and I wonder whether that's because he wants to keep costs down....

I paid for lunch today but he paid for drinks. I offered to pay and he didn’t really say ‘no’.

I have been in first dates where they have paid for everything but I always offer to at least pay half.

Bloody hell mr drummer, reading your last post you sound exhausting!!

I have to just add that when we met,you were lovely. Now,i know it wasn't a date but we had never met and i did wonder if I was too scatty/clumsy for you and I to get on well (ie trying to unlock the car and finding it wasn't my car after all !) but we did didn't we.. And you bought the coffee and I took the pics. My round next time :)

Beginning to think village man could just be using my company whilst he sorts his separation..(they split in October). I know he hasn't had a date in twenty years but he hardly txts. But he seems so keen? I need to find another iron to stop over investing

MrDrummer you sound a bit like me 🤣, I’m sure some people would think I’m hard work. I don’t really drink, I’m often dieting and I can’t drink caffeine or dairy so going out for a drink can be tricky, I did have one alcoholic drink today but only because they didn’t have any soft drinks that I liked. I don’t think you can complain about having to pay for her alcoholic drinks though, not her fault you chose to drink water.

Also, I would call someone who drinks 2 glasses of wine over 3 hours an alki. Slightly irresponsible maybe if driving but probably within the limit over that time period (assuming they weren’t massive glasses)

Oh drummer,on a date may I suggest you don't tell the date about your calories,lack of sugar,caffine etc, i'm sure you don't? Nice light conversations are the way to go :)

@kerkyra

Thank-you :) You were delightful... If it's any consolation I mistook another car for my car the other day, too... not even the same colour! We need to have another catch-up for all the X-rated gossip too hot for the thread

Plus I am sporting a beard now, so more photos needed!

@mrdrummer I know you're health conscious but I hope you didn't say you were dieting as I would find that a turn off. I'm dieting but at the three meal dates I had recently I had two burgers and one fish and chips and just ate nothing for three weeks less before the date. I think I read somewhere that men hate women who are picky eaters so didn't want to look like I was dieting even though I am

Thinking about it I didn't pay for any of those meals but I did offer.

It's ok @MrDrummer I'm a bit awkward drink/food wise. I do drink a bit now but have a complicated relationship with booze. And I don't have caffeine after 1. And I can't drink wine or beer. No booze before 7. I try not to mention any of this for some reason....

It makes it tricky because most men of my age are really boozy. I think 5-6 pints on a dates means a drink problem. And that seems to be a common amount. One FWB drank an entire bottle of gin one night. No hangover the next day. It's hard to find someone who doesn't drink a lot in my age group. I've ditched three guys after a few dates solely down to boozing. Mr Unsuitable is foreign so drinks less than me. It's such a relief.

Having said all that I love going to the pub. Don't do dinners out. Or swish bars. I've actually never been out for dinner with a date.

@StealthNinjaMum It definitely cropped up. It wasn't deliberate and at that point I was so starved it was probably all I was thinking about, so will have came out of. The hunger would have abated, but the stress the body is under can be felt. I didn't expect to stay as long and was planning an having some chicken when I got home, but I didn't want to cut the date early.

@Sunshineandflipflops She sounded like an alki because of all the alcohol she told me she drank on the other nights. But I don't feel 2 pub measures of wine are great to drive on, personally.

@Lovemusic33 I didn't mind paying for her wine, even if I was having water. We had three rounds of drinks and I paid two of those, so I think it was all fine, just awkward. And it's a lesson learned, so appreciate everyone comments :)