Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.

[Crustaceans]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

@ponyprincess I'm the exact same, I've let her read your responses so she doesn't think it's just me lol.

Ant no I hadn't read that! No further information required 😂

Just come back from first date with Mr Gardener. I wasn't expecting anything after so many let downs and narcissists over the last 2 years on OLD but was pleasantly surprised. He was very nervous, interesting, we laughed. He was also very quick to insist we paid for own coffees, which I understand and don't expect a free ride, but it could have been done more elegantly and I hope he's not mean. I suspect he doesn't have a lot of money though, which is fine as neither do I. We had a quick kiss and it was nice. Next date arranged for Weds - a walk somewhere. I feel very calm and relaxed about it all. He's 4 years younger and may want more children, which is not an option for me, but as I'm enjoying Fab, singledom and my FWBs, I'm not feeling so consumed or invested as I would normally be.

Just reading the updates from everyone else.....
Bat wonderful to hear you so happy
JeSuis time will tell, but worth another chance imho

What is the etiquette about going dutch? Last OLD, I paid for the first round, but I was only having water anyway (they had nothing else that was alcohol, caffeine and sugar free!), so when it came for a refill, I said, awkwardly, "I'll let you get this". I think she took offence. I didn't want to come across as sexist, nor as a tight-arse. We ended up getting some starter food thing, then I paid for, although she offered for half.

Upshot is that it all got awkward. :(

Back from my date with Mr No hair, he was actually very nice, not sure if I fancy him but he looked better than his photos, we had lunch out and he made me feel comfortable (I don’t usually like eating in front of people on a first date), there were no awkward silences and there was a bit of kissing. Just a shame that he’s not really going to be relationship material, I think it would be impossible to make it work when he doesn’t get much child free time and neither do I, I’m not really sure if he has thought about how it would ever work out, men don’t tend to think ahead?

Putastrawunderbaby it sounds as though the date with Mr Gardener went pretty well. The swift insistence that you pay for your own coffee does sound a bit badly handled by him, but maybe he just wanted to put a marker down at the outset about paying for yourselves. I find that the guys I have dated have usually offered to pay for me, but I will say that I want to split the bill if I feel that we are not going to meet up again. If I get the feeling that we will have a second date I will say okay, I will pay next time.

If neither of you have much spare cash then maybe dates like the walk you are going on next week are a good idea. You don't need to spend loads of money on a date - and you can always take it in turns to cook for each other if it turns into something a bit more lasting.

However, if you get an inkling that he is mean, I would be wary as it is not an attractive character trait.

@MrDummer I always go half on a date-so one round each. I just feel more comfortable doing that as I earn my own money and don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything.

@MrDrummer I like a man to offer to pay but I always pay my half, unless they're obviously so well off that it genuinely means nothing to them. But I never expect a freebie.

@lilyrose88 I think that's a fair assessment and probably correct.....and yes, it did seem to go well. We shall see.....I still hold out hope for my happy ending, fool that I am!

@MrDrummer I always offer to pay for alternative rounds or half the meal. However, I think it's more awkward when the guy says 'you can get these' or 'you're okay to pay for this'. My first every online date said 'you can get these' before I even had a chance to say anything which kind of startled me and then he thought I'd had no intention of offering and it was all just really awkward 🙈😂😂.

@lovemusic33 it sounds like you had a good date - will you see him again? Or is the lack of time a deal breaker for you?

Although the 2nd ever online date he had a really good job, was clearly well off and chose a fancy restaurant and cocktail bar. I made it very clear I could afford neither and suggested somewhere more in my price range. We still did his suggestion but he paid and it wasn't awkward and he was quite impressed I had suggested somewhere cheaper 😂.

MrDrummer I agree with what Itsamiracle2015 says-I always offer to split or get the next round/meal etc but if someone told me I was to do so before I had a chance to offer it would feel slightly awkward (though not a deal breaker if everything else is good)

I think it can be tricky though judging by responses on threads about paying, people can have quite different expectations about this

put he wants to see me again, he works in my area and said he could pop in whilst working, I’m not sure if it’s worth it or not? I have explained my situation (my dd’s are with me 6 days a week and never stay over their dads) but he talks about me staying at his 😐, this won’t ever be possible.

Mr Drummer that sounds a bit awkward. She shouldn't have taken offence but maybe she thought you said it a bit too quickly. Maybe next time say something like 'shall we take it in turns?'.

Lovemusic I'm glad that your date went well. Is he worth trying to make it work? I always refused to date anyone who lived more than 5 miles away as I have a longish commute to work and don't like driving long distances, but Mr Outdoors lives an hour's drive away and because I got to like him before I realised quite how far away he was, I decided to make a go of it. Only time will tell whether it will start to annoy me, but I get the impression that he is happy to do quite a bit of driving so it may not be too much hassle for me.

How do you normally deal with this Lovemusic33? I mean do they stay at yours then?

If the guy asks me out,i'd expect him to pay. My first dates are usually a quick 40mins/an hour
If I mention a date,i am happy to get first drink in and hope they offer the second...if not I wouldn't see them again.

Never been for a meal on the first date!
I love to cook so third date I would get all the ingrediants,wine/beer if they fancied that.

Did have a date where the guy had finished his pint and banged his glass down and said your round. Yikes,i did get it for him but quickly drank mine and made an excuse to run....

MrDrummer I always offer to pay half or buy the next round.
On my last date, he arrived after me and I was already at the bar buying a drink. So I offered to get him one. Looking back he seemed to take offence at this.

Putastrawunderbaby if Mr Gardener is a gardener then he probably doesn't have loads of spare cash. While badly handled, I agree with others that he probably just wanted make it clear at the beginning.
It can be expensive going on dates, even if it's just for a coffee or a drink.

Lovemusic if you like him then why not see how it goes. Don't write it off based on what you think might happen. Things change. He may be able to find more free time in the future.

I have like no money I’m prepared to spend on this beyond getting a babysitter and my hair done, costs me £50 to get out the door, if they can’t even buy me a drink I’ll not be staying the evening

Great updates gang. Welcome newbies 👋

I for some reason am put off any man who has Instagram. It feels posery!

On the paying thing, in a bar if he buys the first round I will always by 2nd but I think I would be put off by a man telling me I had to get them. Sorry drummer
I always go dutch but I do like a man to offer to pay. I know I know it’s 2019

Can I ask you guys a question about what you're looking for second or third time around in a forever relationship (if any of you are looking for that).

I was speaking to a friend last night and she said you would make such a good second husband to someone. It was quite depressing to hear and I didn't get to the bottom of what she meant (she'd had a few drinks) but I suspect it was along the lines of not being what someone is looking for first time around - my ex said something similar as I remember saying to her I wish we'd met 10 years ago (she was a bit older than me) and she said you wouldn't have been what I was looking for back then.

My dream has always to have a family with someone and do the whole marriage, buy a home, holidays, kids, etc thing and of course I would not discount someone because they have been divorced or already have children but I guess because I do want kids of my own someday that is something I do look for compatibility and age wise.

Am I being realistic now that I'm 39 that this is something I could have and I should perhaps accept that I may not be able to have kids of my own? When I do go on dates with those that do tick all the boxes I rarely get past the first or second date (spark/chemistry always being the issue) and I can't just be unlucky as it is a common theme for me when I date those in the 30's who haven't been married or had kids yet but I remember last year when I went on dates with perhaps those out of a divorce and having done the kids thing they would just throw themselves at me and tell me how amazing I was, etc.

Do any of you feel like your type or what you are looking for second time around has changed since getting divorced or from what you were looking for when you were younger and before kids?

Literally the only man to ever ask me To go Dutch on a £12.00 curry when he was earning £50,000 a year and I was a single mum was my ex husband .... all the signs were there

I've found if a man really likes you,he wants to pay.

I won’t date anyone with kids Rich do if you were 6’ or taller you might meet my criteria. I’d say realistically at your age you’ll meet some one who has one or two children and wouldn’t mind one more. Unless you go very young which brings a whole set of different problems