Dating thread 154 - in which beards are encouraged.

[Crustaceans]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

@LilyRose88 as far as I'm aware you have to open app for it to change location

B***s just googled the answer to my question, and he is obviously looking at Tinder when he is at work and when he is at home in the evenings. How shall I handle this? We haven't had the exclusive chat and clearly I too have been chatting to other people, but only to try and stop myself getting too fond of him. From how he has been behaving I thought that he had not been contacting others. Shall I say something when we see each other on Saturday? I would rather have the chat before we dtd but what if I don't like the answer? Aaaaah this is so difficult. Help me!

@LilyRose88 I am planning on having a similar chat with MrFox tonight. I think I'm going to go along the lines or 'are you dating/chatting to other people or do you want to?' and go from there.

Oh lilyrose I’m not sure..as you say you are multi chatting too..maybe his reasons are the same as yours? Tbh I think I would need to dtd with someone before I decided I wanted to be exclusive!
The problem with tinder is the swiping becomes addictive.

lilyrose I woild wait a bit myself. You too are going online chatting because...well neither of you can be completely sure of the other at this stage in the game Right? Not dtd. No declarations of exclusivity. For all he knows you could drop off the map tomorrow. It happens to men and women alike. Everyone keeps some potentials running on a just in case basis in the beginning. If you think dtd is on the cards you could say - you don't get intimate with someone and multidate at the same time and you wouldn't feel comfortable if he was. That way it's putting across your boundaries and expectations without making demands. It's his choice then?

@LilyRose88 I too have been chatting to other people, but only to try and stop myself getting too fond of him. He could be doing the the same? Personally I wouldn't ask some to stop chatting/swiping before DTD.🤷‍♀️

I mean. It's tricky pre dtd because....ya just never know if it's gonna be a miss!

Thank you for your advice. I haven't really got to this stage before as when I met my last boyfriend on POF last year he deleted his profile after our second date and told me he had done so.

As you say, he is probably going through the same thought process as me, and keeping a few convos on the back burner just in case I ghost him. I am going to stay at his on Saturday, so I need to either have the conversation with him before we dtd, or just insist that we use condoms with no discussion about why. I think whatever happens it is better to have a conversation face to face rather than over text, as I will be able to see his reaction. I am trying desperately not to send him a rambling text asking if he is in contact with other women!

And in case anyone thinks I am employing massive double standards, since I met him I have dropped back in all my previous conversations and barely responded to any messages at all. I have clearly got ridiculously attached to him after only three dates, but we have had quite a few telephone calls in the evenings and lots of text messages.

Lily- I think condoms the sensible option no matter what. Like one of the rules you don’t know him until you really know him or something 🤣

ccgirr that is so true. He could be an absolute player for all I know! He comes across as very sweet and genuine but who knows..... He could be a serial shag'em and dump'em type.

Oh God he has just texted me to say how much he misses me and can I quickly meet up with him before I start my commute tonight (we both work in the same city). The trouble is I know that I will blurt something out if I see him

@LilyRose88 with any conversation about condoms. I tend to find if the guy is decent enough they already plan on wearing them.

Lily- exactly or it might be crap and you won’t want to see him. You don’t know til you know. Sounds a bit intense to me but great if you both feel same

@Lily I would go with condoms anyway for a while as you don't know his history, unless he can show you a recent STI test result. MrSAS showed me his and I am awaiting my results so I've told him its condoms until then, and even then I have to feel satisfied he's not seeing anyone else. He tells me he's not sleeping with anyone else but I don't know if that's because there hasn't been an opportunity or because he doesn't want to! I don't want to get all heavy with talk of exclusivity too early!

lifegoes I have found that the few guys I have slept with in recent years have all told me that they haven't had sex for years and have not been keen to wear condoms. I have been tested for STIs recently as I did wonder whether I had been naïve in the past.

So I guess the issue isn't whether we will use condoms, as I will insist that we do. The issue is whether we talk about exclusivity. It does seem a bit mad to do so after such a short time, but it does feel right between us and I would happily delete the apps and see how is goes with him. The danger of course is that I might hear an answer that I don't like.

Probably tmi, but I always take condoms with me.

If you break down, and need to drain fluids out of an engine (for instance), they are amazingly capacious, and can be tied up to prevent spillage..

@LilyRose88 that makes sense. I personally wouldn't have the conversation until after. If you both agree that's what you both want.

But do what feels right for you.

I agree completely with lifegoes . His expectation should be to wear a condom. I don’t think it should even by discussed before the first time

ccgirr you are right it does seem a bit intense and maybe I am getting carried away with it all. It is just so lovely to feel desirable and feel that lovely buzz of excitement. He has made it clear that he is not looking for FWB or a ONS and also said that he is happy not to dtd on Saturday if I don't feel ready.

My ex hated condoms.

I've heard that they can spoil the "feel" for a woman as much as a man, but I would definitely insist if dtd.

Man4 thank you for that lovely image! I do fully intend to take condoms with me and it is entirely possible that he will have some in his bedside cabinet anyway.

I will not instigate a conversation about exclusivity until some time after we have dtd. Thank you everyone for talking me down!

Well I've decided to give Mr Stalker another go. I'm pleased I have, he's been amazing since and I know I'm over investing but I feel he is too. I really hope it goes well as we get on perfectly (despite the hiccup)

Man4 I do find that condoms sort of 'chafe' me (tmi) so I need loads of lube if I ever use condoms. I think it is the rubber ring thing around the top of them that catches my sensitive bits . So it usually ends up being a bit of an awkward situation with me saying 'ouch' every so often and having to stop to apply more lube! But better a bit of awkwardness than ending up with an STI.

Lilly
I think from what you have said that you and he are on the same page

Things like wanting to meet you after work ('cos he can't wait maybe! ) and being willing to NOT DTD speaks volumes...

shitwith I am so much more clued up since I have been on this thread! Luckily I haven't dtd with any of my dates so far since having the STI test.

Man4 I think he and I are on the same page, but then I got fooled by the guy I met last year who love-bombed me and then dumped me after 4 months. And he wouldn't use condoms as he reckoned he hadn't had sex for years! To be fair he was pretty crap at it, so I could well believe that!