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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

235 replies

maskingtherealme · 07/04/2019 19:34

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 09/04/2019 07:02

One of the best threads in a long time

Chocolate123 · 09/04/2019 07:42

Easy to blame OW but remember an affair takes two. I hope you have no more crazy friends because he's so easily taken advantage of and sure he's such a nice guy he'd have to have another affair and then you'll be back here again and again.

Ratatatouille · 09/04/2019 08:20

Please think about your children OP. Not yourself, not your husband. Your children.

I spent my childhood and adolescence living with parents who had a marriage not dissimilar to yours (abuse, infidelity, lack of affection from my father to any of us etc). It has damaged myself and my siblings into adulthood. My brother seems to be struggling the most and has been receiving treatment for severe depression since leaving home. He self harmed as a teen and has not reached his potential as an adult which I firmly blame my parents for.

My mum feels that she is the innocent victim, as you also seem to believe you are. But I blame my mum every bit as much as my dad for her weakness and for failing to put her children’s needs ahead of her selfish desire to “win” against the other woman and her failure to protect us from the things we endured and witnessed. She could have left, just as you can. But like you, she chose to believe that her and my dad were different/special blah blah blah and so we all lived in misery. Do not underestimate the lifelong impact on your children of the snippets of violence, abuse and dysfunctionality that they have seen, and will now continue to see.

My mum got what she wanted. Her and my dad are still married. Not happily, but still married. She “won”. But the cost to their children has been enormous and they have lost all of our respect. To know that the very people who should have loved and protected you above all else were too preoccupied with their selfish obsessions and unhealthy attachment to each other to meet your emotional needs is an extremely painful thing to bear.

Sakura7 · 09/04/2019 08:30

Please listen to Ratatatouille OP.

Your children will never forgive you if you put your sham of a relationship ahead of their needs.

anangalou · 09/04/2019 08:39

IF (big if) this is true then op's not listening. She'll post again in a few months with another tale of woe. I'm starting to lean towards it all being total bollocks.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2019 11:07

@anangalou I agree. This must be bollocks Hmm

Alfiemoon1 · 09/04/2019 11:13

I hope it is hmmmmmm. For the op dc sake

Alfiemoon1 · 09/04/2019 11:18

I hope it is hmmmmmm. For the op dc sake

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 11:19

You may find this helpful OP:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jan/21/the-affair-that-saved-our-marriage

The husband's affair was also with a friend, so parallels with your experience. This book was written by him which you may also find helpful:

The Coupledom Trap Paperback – 24 Jan 2017 by Tal Araim

There are success stories on the web about this where people have revealed their identities, which is brave of them, and put it all out there to help others. A lot of marriages are sleepwalking into a schism if people did but know it.

You and your husband have every right to work on your marriage.

SheChoseDown · 09/04/2019 11:20

We got through an affair. We'd been together 8 years. It was a short affair. Several weeks.
We are 3 yrs past it and happy with a house, another child and are now more in love than ever.
We were in a shitty awful place when it happened. Barely spoke, argued a lot, stressed with jobs we hated. Obviously there's 'no excuse' for an affair.
So we're a success story. It's very possible.

IvanaPee · 09/04/2019 11:39

I think it depends on your definition of success. Hmm

Walkaround · 09/04/2019 11:42

maskingtherealme - your posts sound deranged. By all means try to continue with your relationship, but not on the back of such utter bollocks about the ow being madly jealous and your dh being a victim of her twisted ways. You don't really know what a monogamous relationship is like, anyway, since it seems you've probably never had one. And all those colleagues who clearly knew about the affair for years, too, now telling you they are helping to keep them apart... Yeah - right.

Ratatatouille · 09/04/2019 12:44

Count it’s obvious that your intentions are good, but the major difference between OP’s case and the couple in that article is that OP’s husband has been abusive in addition to his infidelity. This makes them unsuitable candidates for couples therapy or counselling. I think the childrens’ right to grow up in a safe home trumps the OP’s right to work on her marriage.

LazyLizzy · 09/04/2019 12:56

OP I hope you are still reading.

The only reason your marriage has lasted 8.5 years is because your 'DH' has been pre-occupied shagging your 'Friend' for 7 of them.

Your whole marriage has been a farce.

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 13:35

Ratatatouille Oh! Shock I missed the abusive part somehow. I agree the children must come first in that case. I too grew up with two miserable parents and felt guilty that they "stayed together because of me."

Ratatatouille · 09/04/2019 14:31

Countchuckula easily missed, I think it was in another thread of OP's that someone linked to. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I hope OP doesn't throw more years of her life and her children's lives away on him.

beenwhereyouare · 09/04/2019 15:15

All children deserve to know they're loved, and want to know their parents love one another. From Mask's own words, he's deliberately failed at both.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/04/2019 20:58

Not one reply you've given mentions your kids here. In reality, you're just not that fussed about them or their feelings are you. As long as you have your poor little naive hubby who was cohurst by the nasty harlet OW. No wonder she's attempted suicide... I bet your DH was painting her all stories about how he never loved you, was there for the kids, and painting himself to be a big family martyr and she would be the one to save him.

So congratulations... you've won a man who utterly despises you and probably laughs at how gullible you are, a guy who's almost caused someone to commit suicide, a guy who's probably fucked his kids up for life. But it's fine, as long as you can play smug strong couples, it's all good Hmm

PinkBlueStripes · 09/04/2019 21:36

What he did takes an awful lot of lying and manipulation. It's not one moment or isolated incident of insanity. It's an entirely separate relationship he had alongside yours. I don't know why you can't see he was a consenting adult and I feel the idea he was manipulated is just sadly to protect you from having to face the terrible hurt Flowers. I couldn't imagine trying to work through it.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/04/2019 23:18

I know an affair success story - she had an affair with him and then they got married . He cheated on her before they got married then again 15 months into their marriage ...oh wait ....people never change .

Adversecamber22 · 10/04/2019 08:23

Reading the OP’s posts reminded me of this song. It’s the perfect chilling description of just the sort of man her husband is.
From charm, to abuse, lies and also the victims trusting reaction.
Liar by Rollins

[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=awY1MRlMKMc]

Pinkmonkeybird · 10/04/2019 09:10

To be honest I think further replies to the OP are going to fall on deaf ears. I don't understand why she posted in the first place if everything is fine and dandy with her cheating shit husband.

pushingdaisies · 10/04/2019 13:18

Honestly, I think it's fine if you willingly throw all of your self respect out of the window and stay with this disgusting creature, but I think you're fucking awful, and dare I say it, a terrible mother for putting your children through this shit show of a life that will damage them for years to come.
And soon they'll have another "auntie" coming to Christmas dinner and on holidays, and you'll be blaming someone else for the fact your husband is a lying, cheating, abusive prick.

I'm sure if Mumsnet is still around when your children grow up you'll be on here wondering why they want fuck all to do with you.

katy78 · 10/04/2019 14:31

There are more bitter people staying married to cheaters than there are people divorced from them. The bitterness comes from not living out their values, from being disappointed that all their efforts at being magnanimous were not sufficiently appreciated. There is resentment.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/04/2019 15:19

Yes, I have a success story.

I found out my husband, who I had had two children with and spent 20 years with had been having an affair and I left him.

I am much happier over a year on while he will always be looking for the next best thing. The OW is welcome to her ‘prize’.

I’d call that the best success.