Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

[maskingtherealme]

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

I second Ratatouille. Coming out too to say my DPs stayed together post affair (DM 1.5 years) and it was a pathetic show of a marriage. I'm not angry, I see why my parents did why they did it, but I value emotional authenticity much more than they do. It taught me all the mistakes not to make. Myself and DF are ok but there has been a huge cost to DM and DB. Trust me, no good comes of bad, it all comes out in the wash in the end.

...it all comes out in the wash in the end

I'll just leave this here.

Tbh I think that you're both insistent that their paths never cross for different reasons... You want to put everything behind you and rebuild your future, whereas your dh would most probably be tempted again. Seven years???!!!! That's a hell of a long time to make a mistake....

op, I get it. I really do.

Do what is right for you. It may not be what's right for you forever, but do what you need to do now. You WILL wake up one day, but not now...

You are better than him and you WILL be ok when it all turns to shit. You will. I 'forgave' DH but I will never forget and will always be watching and it's a bit shit, if I'm honest.

You said on 25 March that you were filing for divorce (previous thread), have you called that off or is this all nonsense??

I think the OP is only a week into trying to reconcile with her DH.

Im gutted to read that a woman is that ground down by a man she feels no strength or belief in herself. How does a man get away with doing that? How has he done that to you op?

I've known of marriages to survive affairs, but not an affair of this length with a very close friend, where the husband is abusive and con trolling.

Even if you were scared to escape the marriage before this, you now have the perfect excuse/reason to end it.

A former colleague was married to an abusive man. She didnt leave and said she hoped he would do something really bad to force her to leave.

He left, but not in the way she hoped. He was killed in a car accident alongside one of their DC. Whike she was glad yo be free of him, she blamed herself for the death of her DC, as she should have left him years ago and he wouldn't have been taking their DS to nursery that fateful morning.

As you've decided to stay.... if your H is as remorseful as he claims, send him this list. You should hold the power and be in a position to demand whatever you want.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Your husband has been fucking someone else for 82.4% of your marriage. He remained faithful for 17.6%. If we look at your marriage as if it were a week, he just about made it through Monday.

You deserve more. So much more. Please don't give this man any more of yourself than you already have. This isn't a lapse in judgement, this is a long term commitment.

You owe it to your children to teach them that no-one should be treated like this.

What have I just read? That you're willing for your children to live in this atmosphere, with this man, and put up with his shit is insane.

I'm presuming he's a high earner. Do you work?