Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

[maskingtherealme]

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

You have nothing to salvage your life has been one big lie for at least seven years. Comparing it to surviving an affair is a level of self deception which you seem intent on maintaining.

You have nothing to salvage your life has been one big lie for at least seven years. Comparing it to surviving an affair is a level of self deception which you seem intent on maintaining.

You sounded so much stronger in your previous thread op, has dh realised how much he's going to lose financially and so is filling your head with nonsense? You could walk away with your dignity intact and have a much happier life. What happened ???

OP you sound completely and utterly unhinged

Christ you are a fucking idiot.

He is a conman. You married a conman.

Your words. You recognised this yourself. We can see it because we are removed from the situation and not emotionally invested. You can’t see it because you are too close. And you don’t WANT to see it anymore.
He wasnt conned into being with her for seven years. He chose her every time he went to be with her.

Your marriage is not strong for staying with him after he has treated you so appallingly. It’s weak because you can only see him as a victim. You wont be able to kove on at all if you dont admit to yourself what he actually was. He isnt a victim. Not in the slightest. The work colleagues are not your friends, or it wouldnt have gone on for seven years. Do mot trust them. They will only tell you want they think you want to hear to make it easier for them.

You can get through this and start again.

A 7 year affair during your 8 1/2 year affair.

Why are you making a go of this?

He left you, for her.

Give your head a wobble, will you.

The Children:
Your daughter tells Daddy that she loves him, but he won’t reciprocate. Cruelty personified. That will have damaged her self-esteem. You’ve allowed it. I assume he is also unaffectionate with your son. They both would have noticed his lack of affection for you.

Your children witnessed your quasi-polygamous set up where Daddy seemed to have two wives. This would have confused them. Auntie & Daddy sat together on the sofa, went out to do hobbies together, made household decisions, and ignored Mummy. Auntie walked around in her underwear in front of Daddy. There’s no telling what else they witnessed.

Your daughter likely saw the violence in October. She ran out to plead for the fighting to stop. It is possible that your son also witnessed it, but you weren’t sure. He had not mentioned it. H thought it appropriate to aggressively manhandle you, and he didn’t care if the children or his mother saw or heard.

You cannot gloss over or rationalize away any of the above. All of it has been damaging to your children, and you and H have set a terribly unhealthy model for their future relationships.

The Adults:
In 13 years, H has never told you that he loves you. He never demonstrates any affection for you outside the bedroom.

So OW coerced him every time they had sex for 7 years?

He has conned you again. You are repeating your ostrich pattern. He has you feeling superior by demonizing OW and by claiming she was jealous of you and wanted your life. Diddums had to submit to her for all those years.

Her intentions don’t matter. She is a distraction. You are minimizing his long-term adultery and his utter contempt and subjugation of you.

He defiled your family and home with her. They shared intimacy wherever they went. It sounds like THEY have had the primary relationship. You were secondary and they made you watch while they stomped on your dignity. You say they made joint decisions about your life and ignored you. He wanted it that way. The idea that he was coerced is ludicrous.

You allowed their relationship to flourish in front of you. The signs were flashing, but you kept your blinders on. You pulled them off briefly in 2014 and again a few weeks ago, but they’re firmly on again.

You are again being manipulated. Where are your self-respect and anger? After all his lies and deceit, it is astonishing that you believe him and want to be with him. He is the true monster here. Your poor children.

You would greatly benefit from individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries, and to learn why you are willing to settle for so little.

Yes, I have moved on an rebuilt my relationship after my partner cheated on me. The cheating involved several emotional and sexual messages, a handful of meet-ups, and sexual relations on two occasions. It's taken me a very long time (years) to distance myself from it. I will never forgive him - and why should I - but I have dealt with it and I finally 'like' him again.
However, there are repercussions. He will never have my full trust again. Certain memories are ruined for us now. And he has lost a lot of my respect, which hurts him. It's been almost a decade and I still think of it all occasionally.

Seven years? You are mad. You are utterly, utterly insane to even attempt to forgive him for this. You should have more respect for yourself.

Sorry, don't believe a word of it.

It does sound like he's "picked" you because he's realised your the better bet financially.

And the fact your friends and his work colleagues were complicit for 7 years, my god! They were no doubt going out with friends and work colleagues as a couple. It doesn't sound like they were hiding their affair. No wonder OW thought she was in a relationship. She was!

You seriously need to ditch your friends as well as your husband OP.

*you are not your the better bet!

My god, I thought it was bad before, and then Anangalou posted....

Surely no-one in their right mind would happily choose to indulge this sham marriage with an emotionless serial cheat when they have the choice to be secure and financially solvent alone???

Absolutely batshit 😶

This is a harsh reality but absolutely nobody you know thinks your DH is gonna keep it in his pants going forward OP. There is not even the slightest chance. You will be an object of pity for your friends, your family, his work mates, they all see the future you have chosen.

It's ok though because the unfaithfulness will not ever be his fault and your relationship will be able to transcend the numerous past and future indiscretions as both of you will have the maturity and strength not to dwell on them.

Also apparently he is just on the brink of becoming a good father and is already a good role model for your children of how a husband should respect and love his wife. If only your children and their future spouses could have a similar relationship eh?

A blissful future from these ashes is surely possible if you are completely in denial. It won't just be damaging for you, it will be damaging for your children.

This is really fucked up OP and everyone but you can see it.

The OP isn't going to come back because she knows everything we've said is true but she can't admit it.

@Susanna30 why are you bothering? That's not a success story!!

No matter how strong and determined you both are to make this work - he doesn’t love you. He’s never told you ever! He can’t choke that word out of his mouth for you or your children. How sad.

You say you don’t want to make excuses for him, then go on to list numerous reasons how he was manipulated by the ow. So he is, in effect, excused by you. He must be delighted with that result in such a short timeframe.

Were all your friends/colleagues aware of the affair when it was ongoing? You seem chuffed to bits that they are glad it’s all out in the open now, and will support you two “love” birds, and are also blaming the “crazy” ow. Your husband must be an ace manipulator to get everyone on his side so quickly.

I would doubt very much that this affair is over. OW is now a free agent, single, available. She isn’t going away anytime soon. If she is as pushy as you say, she will be back on the scene very very soon. But you may not notice, as they were both amazing at conducting a full blown sexual relationship in front of your eyes for years.

What do you actually see in this pathetic excuse for a husband? Not love from him (fact). So money? Lifestyle? Status? What is it that you have together that you are so determined to acknowledge, accept and move forwards to save?

Yes she manipulated him to have sex with her over a seven year period..the sorceress.

People can and do get over affairs....but seven years with a best friend. Absolutely not. For 82 percent of the time you have been together he has been cheating on you. No respect or loyalty for you at all. Disgusting.

Omg
I can’t believe I’m reading this

Let the OW have him, OP. When the gloss is off the new toy & it's no longer sexy and they're not sneaking around, he'll find someone else. It's a pattern of his choice and making

It’s hard to accept that someone lied to you
Very hard
You’re clearly with a narcissist
Look it up

I am going to end it here. ☺️*

Obviously strangers as you all are (understandably - I don’t feel any bitterness or anger towards anyone who has commented negativity about both of our decision and determination to rebuild our lives) but we aren’t ‘everyone else’.

Marriages end because of affairs that lasted days, weeks months and even years. But we aren’t everyone else and our marriage isn’t everyone else’s marriage either.

I am certainly NOT getting what I asked for which is hope and stories of strength and determination so I don’t see the point in keep coming back.

We have had more talking today and certainly from our friends and family we have their full support which in the grand scheme of things, is all we need.
Our friends and family KNOW her for what she is and what HAD actually happened during that seven years. My husband accepts the blame I hurl at him, accepts the wrong-doing in ‘doing it’ but also not ending it properly and under the pathetic illusion that he could continue to be friends with her.
Sadly she doesn’t see her blame in it at all. I do believe she has conceived her little sordid plan a long time ago; she believed they had a seven year relationship. My friend ‘reminded’ her that she was always the ‘other woman’. She takes no responsibility for her part in it whereas he does. She sees herself as a victim yet she willing and happily participated in a sordid fantasy of ‘nabbing’ my husband by publicly flirting and behaving inappropriately (so many of us saw this years ago but obviously never in a million years did we think would act on it hence why I felt no threat from her), showered him with attention whilst driving a wedge between me and him. She wanted my husband, my house, my kids - basically my life. In my eyes she is nothing except a cold, calculating, conniving, manipulating, poisonous monster who has no empathy, no remorse, no morals and will strive at anything regardless of the damage she does until she gets what she wants.
We are both pleased she is out of our lives especially now that he can see what she was trying to do. I have told him he has been an utter fool for falling for ‘that’. I have been a fool and naive for trusting in them both despite KNOWING that she was behaving inappropriately BUT like I said, I saw no threat because I believed in him.

It will take a long time to recover from it but as I said before, we are not everyone else (so many couples end marriages over affairs that aren’t even a fraction of this!) and we are strong people!

So thank you again even if you believe me to be a mug and believe it won’t work.
*
.

Ok op, see you back here next year when he's at it again. Good luck.

Good luck OP. You'll need it.

He's cheated, lied and been abusive.

He's humiliated you in the worst possible way. Your "friends" undoubtedly see you as a laughing stock (as a couple) and as a weak, gullible object of pity (you).

You are setting yourself (and your children) up for a life of utter misery.

And it's all so unnecessary.

Your poor, poor children. You're as much of a wrong un as he is. You deserve each other.