Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

[maskingtherealme]

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

OP. You want a success story.
I know of someone who found out about her DH affair- the OW of 5 yrs told her because the OW had found out about another OW who DH had been with for 7 years! There were also a few others on the side. All at the same time! They survived. It took years of heartbreak but 5 years on they are together and 'happy'. What she did lose was any self respect and many friends who could not look him in the face after and could not understand why she would lower herself to stay. They may have each other but much more was lost. A success story perhaps, but worth it?

@minieggmunchers and how many women has he got on the go now that she doesn’t know about? I suspect she thinks none due to her job as a marriage policewoman. I’m sure she is happy monitoring him on a daily basis.

So what happens when he does it again? Because he will.

You are going to send yourself insane, trying to do this.

Just don't.

He despises you. Utterly despises you.

@katy78, exactly! No way to live is it.

7 years? your best friend? married 8 1/2 years?? so he's been cheating longer that he hasn't been, big, big hugs, please leave this bastard inthe dust. I don't think you should try and forgive.

OP I've read some of your previous threads. Your children witnessed your husband being physically abusive to you in October last year.

This man is an absolute shit. Get rid.

What on earth has made you change your mind after filing for divorce?

So what happens when he does it again? Because he will.

What will most likely happen is that they won't even stop - they'll just let the dust settle and carry on.

Seven years IS a second relationship, and OP is already fluttering about talking about salvaging not a week after finding out?

They will have taken one look at her, thought 'Ok so she won't leave, no metter WHAT he does' and will know they're going to be able to carry right on as long as they're a bit more careful.

Even looking beyond the unbelievable length of time this went on for - which is a stretch - in attempting to build a marriage from the ruins (I don't say rebuild, because there was never much of one there) there is SO much to get over. You will have constant reminders, flashbacks and the need to ask him where he actually was on X date, or was whatever he told you at Y time actually true.

The more you go into this the more you will discover, and none of it is pretty. You can't get over something unless you know exactly what it is you have to get over. So you need to know what he's been up to all this time. It is exhausting and it will destroy you.

Please believe us. What you doing is setting a truly terrible example to your children, they won't thank you for it.

Firstly OP I am so sorry you had to go through this -it must have been dreadful. I personally admire those men and women who can pick up the pieces, turn the page and try to salvage a good relationship.

I hesitate here because I am not sure you had a ´good’ relationship during the 7 years your OH cheated on you. For starters theres the lying and deceit, not to mention the betrayal; these elements make me doubt that your relationship was good.

I suppose you should ask yourself why you want to salvage whatever you have ? There’s little doubt that must couples who try to repair their relationships after infidelity fail, and it’s not difficult to see why. We are only human, we can forgive but not forget.

I suppose the biggest pitfall here is going to be the age-old adage: ´if he did it once, he’ll do it again’.

My partner was cheated on by his then wife. He wanted to turn the page because they had a baby together and he thought it was the right thing to do. They went on to have a 2nd child and spent a further 10 years together ..... my partner says he was never really the same during those years, resentment, hurt, distrust. She did the dirty on him a 2nd time and that was a major blow to him. He regretted trusting her and rebuilding what turned out to be a farce of a relationship in which she didn’t feel loved (he was incapable of showing her the same live) and in which he withdrew more and more.

I wish you luck whatever you do but I cannot help thinking that you deserve a whole lot more.

Bloody hell. This is seriously depressing. You’re worth so much more than this OP.

It wasn’t her fault he cheated on you. You can’t persuade somebody to sleep with you for 7 years (otherwise I’d be shagging Brad Pitt!) so he was a willing and able participant.

They would have been laughing at you OP. On those holidays together they were probably sneaking around for clandestine kisses and shags. They’ve probably slept in your marital bed and around your house.

Surely you can’t accept this behaviour?! Nothing is worth debasing yourself for this man. He will ruin you more than he already has - you’ll become a shadow of yourself and exceptionally bitter 😔

Short term heartbreak is worth retaining your dignity in the long term. Think of the example you’re setting your children.

Please stop blaming the OW. Whatever she said or did, he was a willing participant in this 7 year affair. Which sucks balls but it’s the truth.

I am going to end it here. ☺️

Obviously strangers as you all are (understandably - I don’t feel any bitterness or anger towards anyone who has commented negativity about both of our decision and determination to rebuild our lives) but we aren’t ‘everyone else’.

Marriages end because of affairs that lasted days, weeks months and even years. But we aren’t everyone else and our marriage isn’t everyone else’s marriage either.

I am certainly NOT getting what I asked for which is hope and stories of strength and determination so I don’t see the point in keep coming back.

We have had more talking today and certainly from our friends and family we have their full support which in the grand scheme of things, is all we need.
Our friends and family KNOW her for what she is and what HAD actually happened during that seven years. My husband accepts the blame I hurl at him, accepts the wrong-doing in ‘doing it’ but also not ending it properly and under the pathetic illusion that he could continue to be friends with her.
Sadly she doesn’t see her blame in it at all. I do believe she has conceived her little sordid plan a long time ago; she believed they had a seven year relationship. My friend ‘reminded’ her that she was always the ‘other woman’. She takes no responsibility for her part in it whereas he does. She sees herself as a victim yet she willing and happily participated in a sordid fantasy of ‘nabbing’ my husband by publicly flirting and behaving inappropriately (so many of us saw this years ago but obviously never in a million years did we think would act on it hence why I felt no threat from her), showered him with attention whilst driving a wedge between me and him. She wanted my husband, my house, my kids - basically my life. In my eyes she is nothing except a cold, calculating, conniving, manipulating, poisonous monster who has no empathy, no remorse, no morals and will strive at anything regardless of the damage she does until she gets what she wants.
We are both pleased she is out of our lives especially now that he can see what she was trying to do. I have told him he has been an utter fool for falling for ‘that’. I have been a fool and naive for trusting in them both despite KNOWING that she was behaving inappropriately BUT like I said, I saw no threat because I believed in him.

It will take a long time to recover from it but as I said before, we are not everyone else (so many couples end marriages over affairs that aren’t even a fraction of this!) and we are strong people!

So thank you again even if you believe me to be a mug and believe it won’t work.

Wow. Well, youre right, nobody can help you. You think staying with him means you win. Your prize is a bit shit though. Unhappiness.

Dragonmamma nope not in our kids or martial bed. They haven’t been here alone to do that plus I have a mother in law who lives with us.

I have thought about the where’s and when’s. He won’t say because I won’t want to go back to those places and actually I am glad. I have thought about it and thought; “was it here? Was it there?” But you know, she may have betrayed (both!) for seven years but I wouldn’t allow her to steal the places I love with bad memories.

I am a positive person and believe that WE make the memories NOT the places. So in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter

I’m definitely going now!!

This isn’t about strength and determination OP. It’s about self worth.

Yes, you will ‘win’ against this woman but at what cost?

I wish you all the best but it’ll either all come crashing down in the next few months/years or you’ll cling on to him for dear life and put up with the next affair.

Out of interest, what did he say his reasons were for the affair? He left her for you, didn’t he? What was he leaving for?

C0untDucku1a I am a bit at your assumption that I am and will be unhappy. Do you come to that conclusion based on a generalisation of affairs and marriages?

I don’t generalise people.

Honestly, you think you’re strong. You’re not. You’re too weak to walk away and you’ve essentially told him that it’s ok to treat you like utter shit.

Er...congratulations?

Bloody hell I keep coming back!

Responsibilty ( The birth of our first born). No excuses for it. I know it, he knows it but a friend of mine went through THE EXACT SAME THING three years ago (and happily married still!) and this came out during marriage counselling and it’s a ‘classic’ reason to look elsewhere PLUS she pushed herself into him and he stupidly with head in his pants fell for it over a period of time (again not excusing his behaviour but a reason whether we like or accept it or not - all behaviours have a reason behind them doen’t make it right!)
The affair also ended several times the longest time being nearly two years.

Why did he leave? He felt he had no choice. Her manipulation at the suicide attempt (he felt guilty for causing her ‘pain’ as at the time I was really strong!) when in fact all she did was fucking scratched her arms. I said it was an insult to those genuinely feeling suicidal. And also because he felt that due to length of time the affair started to ‘end’ and believing I would not want to continue with our marriage, he left. He went to her even though he said within 24 hours he realised she wasn’t what he wanted and then panicked and worried about how to turn it round and eventually he did! As for the story of him wanting to move her in - HER IDEA! Which is backed up by colleagues of theirs who have been my lovely little moles and shunned them for what they did! 😁

Oh OP you’re still pointing the blame solely at her, with your DH the poor unwilling participant in this mess. Wake up.

I am certainly NOT getting what I asked for which is hope and stories of strength and determination so I don’t see the point in keep coming back.

There’s a reason for that.

Will you blame the next ow who comes along too ?

Oh OP, there's a reason why you are not getting any hope and stories of strength and determination. Because there are none for an affair that has lasted this long.

I really do wish you all the luck in the world though in making your marriage work but please do not paint your husband out to be the victim in this as well. He is most definitely not and is solely responsible for the lies and despicable behaviour, not the OW.

"Sadly she doesn’t see her blame in it at all. I do believe she has conceived her little sordid plan a long time ago; she believed they had a seven year relationship."

Because that is what he told her. He told her he loved her more than you.

You are married to a psychopath. Seriously, do the test.

As for the story of him wanting to move her in - HER IDEA

Tbf to her. They’d been in a relationship for SEVEN years. It’s usually considered the next step.

I feel you’ve painted this woman as The Enemy and it’s you are your husband against the world! Love conquers all!

Except it doesn’t. Do you think he will respect you? What happens when there’s another ‘life event’? Won’t you be worried about maintaining the ever so delicate balance in your marriage so he doesn’t stray?!

MUG MUG MUG is all I'm going to say.