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Original poster

Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

235 replies

maskingtherealme · 07/04/2019 19:34

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

OP posts:
Pianobook · 07/04/2019 20:27

He’s had a sudden change of heart hasn’t he op?

lisamac28 · 07/04/2019 20:29

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past

This makes you sound as if you think you're superior than people who can't get over an affair. Actually, you sound utterly deluded OP, sorry. A 7 year affair is not something that I would ever forgive. You deserve better, get rid.

Ikeameatballs · 07/04/2019 20:29

I was going to post about friends whose marriage appears to have recovered after an affair of a few months. This took a LOT of work. I don’t think that your story is comparable and doubt that you will find any that are.

Order654 · 07/04/2019 20:30

7 years ?

God, he’s mugging you off. Get some self respect.

WineGummyBear · 07/04/2019 20:34

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past

My experience is the opposite. Yes there's anger and pain to work through but I know many many women who build a successful life, good self esteem and choose not to be bitter.

C0untDucku1a · 07/04/2019 20:34

There are no success stories. All there are, are women who believe their cheating husbands have stopped cheating. But how could they possibly know whether that is true? Or they just got better at hiding it? The ‘success’ is the wife believing her husband has changed.

And we all know how often people change...

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 20:38

7 years of your 8.5 year marriage.

And didn’t you post that he’d moved in with OW??

I really hope nobody gives you a “success story” because seriously, you need to dump his arse. Where is your self-esteem? Don’t you think you deserve better? He really is the bottom of the barrel.

nespressowoo · 07/04/2019 20:54

Leave the bastard

BasilBrushes · 07/04/2019 21:20

7 years isn’t an affair. It’s a relationship.

Plipplopbop · 07/04/2019 21:29

Sorry OP, my marriage survived an affair but it was 4 weeks, emotional only, he finished it and we have been to therapy and I've read all their chats. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It never fully goes away, just this weekend for eg she got drunk and sent him a few 'innocent' work emails. Completely unnecessary, and was just fishing for attention as her DH is away. 7 years is not something I've ever known anyone come back from, and I have had a few friends who have had affairs or been the victims of an affair.

It's awful and you're still coming to terms with it but this man won't stay faithful, duel life is his way of life.

Sadiesnakes · 07/04/2019 21:41

Op with all due respect you haven't a hope of getting over this. Right now you are experiencing emotional bonding, and won't or can't see things clearly. You are seriously in denial, and it can take up to two years before you will be able to put it all in perspective and by then the chances of you having built back a happy, trusting marriage are extremely small.

lillymunster · 07/04/2019 21:50

OP are you really sure about putting in all the effort, worry and heartache of trying to salvage this when he was cheating with your friend for 7/8 years? I think most people would struggle to get past an affair anyway and what your DH has done is horrific. I wish I had something more encouraging to say but I've never known of anyone who has managed to get through full blown affairs and resolved things. I've also never seen or been in any situation where there has been infidelity and things have ever been able to return to anything close to how they were before it happened. This man has shown you absolutely no respect whatsoever, please think about whether it's right to waste any more of your life on him.

PrincessScarlett · 07/04/2019 21:51

Hi OP. If it had been a one night stand or a few months I think there's every chance to salvage your marriage. But 7 years?! No chance.

I know someone who is trying to make their marriage work after a 4 year affair. Making it work is the hardest, it's actually easier to walk away. Its heartbreaking to watch as the trust is gone and the whole family is falling apart in front of my eyes. Their child is not stupid and has picked up on the stress and tension in the house. They are all so bloody miserable but trying to create an image of happy families.

Please find the strength to finish this OP as you and your kids deserve so much more.

stanski · 07/04/2019 21:55

Seven years?? Not a chance!!!

MMmomDD · 07/04/2019 21:59

What happened to you, OP?
You sounded a lot more sane a few weeks ago when you filed for divorce.
You - correctly - raged about your marriage being a sham, almost from the start.

What exactly do you think you are going to save?????

thepinkp · 07/04/2019 22:05

For your own sanity ditch this twat pronto. I'm over a year on and still have the occasional nightmare.. it doesn't go away and I've tried my hardest to forget. This is totally vile that he could deceive you for so long please leave and start afresh this man is worth no more of your time. Hugs xxx

frenchonion · 07/04/2019 22:11

Seven YEARS?! Holy moly. It'd have to be a cold day in hell for me to forgive that. Just no. You can do better than that op. You can. Seven years. Jeez. Get out and get happy.

ballsdeep · 07/04/2019 22:11

7 freaking years???? Thats nearly as long as your marriage. He must be laughing and rubbing his balls with glee. He still works with her? I'll give it six months

RuggyPeg · 07/04/2019 22:12

You can't make a success of this op. I know you want to but you can't. It's not possible. You can't go back. You will destroy yourself and end up a shell of a woman. Use whatever morsels of energy you have left to leave and build a new life for yourself, away from this man.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/04/2019 22:20

He managed that we know of 18 months of faithfulness in your marriage before starting a relationship that's lasted almost as long? Your bar is set incredibly low if you would even consider trying to salvage anything.

ENormaSnob · 07/04/2019 22:22

Honestly, this won't work.

Get some self respect and get rid.

morallowground · 07/04/2019 22:25

No my marriage failed after a much shorter affair.

Your DH was cheating almost the entire time he was with you. You genuinely deserve so much better and you deserve a happy life without worrying about whether he’s going behind your back and cheating again. I promise you’ll never get the trust back and your life will always be a bit crapper now as long as you’re with him.

Even people who have forgiven affairs always have that doubt in the back of their mind forever whether their life is good or not, the sead of doubt will always be there and I 100% guarantee nothing is ever the same again, you deserve so much better than that in your life and I hope you realise that.

When I found out about dh’s affair I forgive almost instantly because I wanted my life back the way it was before I found out. My world had exploded and I wanted my old world back again, I didn’t want a life where I had to share my children I loved more than life itself because I’d done nothing wrong to have to lose time with them. I didn’t want to start my life over and worry about being alone forever. I wanted to forgive and get back to what I had and pretend it hadn’t happened at all, it never came back I never got over it and I never trusted him again. It took me a further 2 miserable years and more anxiety and feeling awful about myself than you can imagine to finally leave.

And despite the fact he has the children EOW and I miss them my life is so much better without him than it ever was with him.
Your ‘d’h doesn’t deserve an extra ounce of your energy op. I hope you find the strength to realise you deserve better and even though it feels so awful and scary now the prospect of separating you life will be so much better in a year than it would be if you stayed because I guarantee this time in a year if you’re still with him, you won’t be over it. You will be waiting for it to happen again and you will feel awful about yourself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this Flowers

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 07/04/2019 22:25

7 years????? Have some fucking self respect op. Why don't you think you deserve better?

MsDogLady · 07/04/2019 22:26

You cannot trust this treacherous man who massively betrayed you. He made a fool of you for 7 long years.

From what I recall, OW was at your home constantly, went on every family holiday except 1, and the children call her Aunt. They were having their affair right under your nose the whole time.

He went back and forth between you about 5 times, but finally chose her, and wanted you to leave so he could move her into the family home. She has been very smug towards you, like the cat who got the cream.

He is nothing but a pretender and you are foolish to believe anything he says. Be smart and make a new life for yourself.

Crunchymum · 07/04/2019 22:34

Well this is going well isn't it OP? Shock

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