Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

[maskingtherealme]

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

Oh OP. You really need help. What are you doing? Who cares if she’s jealous of you or whatever. She didn’t drug him. Are you having counselling? You really need to go and see a psychiatrist and get some good mental health help. Your reasonings and things you say aren’t right and are all over the place. What are you doing?
7 years!
He doesn’t love you. Christ, he barely likes you right? You are being used and abused. Has he left his job? That’s the first thing that has to happen.

Fucking yikes. Divorce this wanker and have a much better life on the other side of all of this.

Are you trying to prove to the other woman that you have him so you won? Is that why you are still with him? If he could fuck your best friend for 7 years without you knowing who else can he fuck without you knowing? It wasn't just sex for 7 years it was obviously a lot more!

Do you think if you didn't have children he would still be with you? Have a serious think OP because I think your making a massive mistake. He will be saying and doing all the right things right now but give it a year or two and he will stray again, maybe even with the other woman again who knows!

God. Get a grip please. She isn't the manipulative bunny boiler your liar of a husband makes out.

And he just got so manipulated by her because he's a kind man? Hmm, what's he made of? Playdoh?

This is not in your children's best interests at all. If you allow him to stay you are damaging them and you know this. Time to get rid

Okay just read your other thread and .... why on EARTH would you take this utter, utter cunt back?!

I was in a position where I had a long relationship with someone who ultimately deceived me. Got to the point where you couldn’t believe a single word he was saying and he was telling me one thing, her the complete opposite and then claiming that he never said either. I’m glad to say that he’s long gone and he and she are- apparently- still together. I can’t imagine how unremittingly miserable the last ten years have been for her living with his lies. I’m very glad to have found someone loyal and honest that is a wonderful husband and father. You are worth so much more than this.

I've just read your other thread too.

He's a conman. I married a conman. Yes you did. Now divorce him and move on. You said he's controlling to you and your children!

If you choose to put your children through this then don't be surprised by the effects on them. Get rid and do the right thing by your kids

You are determined to keep this man at all costs. I read your original thread and it was obvious that you want to be the victor and don't want to loose your lifestyle.

I don't think anyone here can make you feel good about what is a very poor life choice.

Or stop you making it.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read on mumsnet.

You are blind. Why wont you listen!?

Please stop OP. Calling the OW mad, crazy, a bunny boiler does not excuse the fact that your husband slept with her for 7 years. He is completely manipulating you. He has probably realised how costly a divorce is going to be for him so he's hoping to stay married but he'll continue to cheat on you, either with this OW or with someone else. After all, if you stay with him after this he knows he can do what the hell he likes.

If you don't do this for you please think about your children and don't let grow up to treat their partners in such an appalling way or allow themselves to be treated so appallingly.

OP, you are already damaged by this man. You can get over it and be happy without him around. Don't do any more damage to your poor children.

Wake up OP. You deserve so so much better. They are both 50% to blame. If you forgive this you are giving him free rein to do it again. Kick him to the kerb.

Look, you're wasting your time looking for success stories here. Most of the time people never get over infidelity and if they do, it's likely been a brief ONS or fling. Emotional attachments fair less better. But I don't know if anyone in my life that could ever get past deceit and betrayal of such a magnitude. And I'm glad I don't, because I would be horrified if any of my friends thought so little of themselves. They are all worth so much more. You are too, if you choose to see it.

In your updated post, the blame is almost squarely pointed at your former BF. You add in a little line at the end about your H's unacceptable behaviour. But it's all about how she made this happen because she's evil and jealous of you.

Whilst that's no doubt partially true to some extent (and she's no friend, she's a disgusting cunt that needs banishing immediately), you're a fool if you believe the crap your husbands been spinning you.

I know you need to believe that this is 2019's sequel to Single White Female and that she tried to destroy your life from the inside out because she wanted it for herself, etc. And that's because these vile people have probably made you doubt everything about yourself and crushed your confidence away to nil. You need to feel like she didn't win and didn't take your family away from you. But the truth is that your H did the damage and by staying with him she really does win! Because she's tainted your relationship permanently and then watches from afar whilst you desperately scrabble to stay in it. Bitches like her will justify their actions based on how pathetically you behave. She wins if you stay. The only way for you to eventually win, is to leave for a better life.

If you let your husband convince you that you are the goody, she is the baddy and he is just helpless in between, then - just for a moment - the pain feels less doesn't it? But it won't stay that way. He's probably been practising and honing his side of the story for all these YEARS just in case it ever came out. That's his spin. I don't doubt for one minute that you exBF WAS jealous of you - she had to be, to act with so much hate. But your Husband also hates you on a deep level as well OP. If he truly loved you, he couldn't so much as look at another woman, let alone fuck one under your nose (probably all over your house) for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!!! That is sheer contempt. Now it's all blown up he's just trying to salvage whatever scraps he can to stay as comfortable as possible. He doesn't give a shit about you - this is to save himself. And he'll be off with the next bint who's stupid enough to offer him an alternative.

Sorry, but in this situation your H is the problem. The ex-friend? Well she's a piece of shit and has rightly been fucked off. She is vile and deserves your hate. But he deserves it just a tad more, seeing as he made vows to you and still decided to risk your sexual health throughout your pregnancies with HIS OWN CHILDREN! Never mind the clear emotional damage this has done to you. They've fucked you in the nut and you need to run for it - preferably to a counsellor. They are vile, selfish cunts and the only way you will EVER stand a chance of moving past this is to cease as much contact as possible with both of them. Yes even the father of your children. You only have to communicate over the kids needs - he can see them elsewhere. You stay with this cunt and you will fuck their little lives up. What he's done to you is abuse. And kids should never grown up in a house where their father abuses their mother. It's devastating - you didn't cause this but you've got to be the only one strong enough to do the right thing by them. Because no one else will.

I'm going to stop wasting my breath now because it's clear your head is foggy and your possibly hysterically bonding (look it up) with him. But when the fog lifts and your head emerges from your arse, then do save this thread and come back to read the posts. Maybe they'll make you feel more empowered to do the right thing by yourself (and your children). Good luck OP, and remember - most of us on here speak from similar experience...

www.marriagebuilders.com/coping-with-infidelity-beginning-part-1.htm

How to survive infidelity

Your husband should move jobs and break all links (however tenuous) with OW. He may not wan the hassle of doing this, but you need to see commitment from him on this new chapter of your lives and he should be willing to go this extra mile in order to mend bridges.

I wish you the very best of luck, OP

Oh OP, he has really done a number on you. You are being manipulated and have abandoned all rational thought in favour of denial and delusion.

Your life has been turned upside down, staying with him will keep it that way but leaving will give you the opportunity to turn it around. Stay and he will cheat again, what incentive does he have not to? You're showing him you're a walkover.

You really need to get away from him and get some counselling.

Make a circle of friends now. Independent of your husband, get your own job if you don’t already have one, start saving and make yourself as independent as possible right now. Because when the point comes - and it will maybe a year from now maybe 2 years from now where you finally realise you can’t get over it and you do deserve better you can make a quick clean break.

If you need him for your social life or finances when you finally come to your senses about this you’re going to feel trapped.

FWIW lots of women choose to stay initially so you have no judgement from me. I stayed an extra 2 years, but in that time I made damn sure I was working on my life and improving it. I vowed never to be dependant on anyone again in case it happened again.

In the first year I lost weight made new friends, started a new career and met lots of new people who valued me which improved my self esteem no ends. The second year I started saving money away and telling him a wasn’t earning as much as I was because I was just waiting for it to happen again, it came to the point where I felt guilty because I had initially forgiven him and felt like I was the baddy for leaving two years on after forgiving him stupidly and then he cheated again so it was easy for me. Once I’d decided I was out within a month into my own house.

Had I not taken those steps first of earning and saving money it would’ve limited my choices.

Hope for the best if that’s your decision op, but secretly plan for the worst.

You havent got a marriage to salvage. You haven't had a real relationship. 7 years cheating out of 8? Thats not a relationship or a marriage. Thats abuse.

You have nothing to salvage, because its clearly never been good. What on earth are you holding on to nothing for?

OP , last night I posted about 2 women I know whose husbands had long term affairs . I am going to expand a bit so that you can see what your future will probably look like .
In both cases the affairs lasted years . In both cases the husbands put the blame firmly on the OW. In both cases the wives were desperate to hang on to their husbands and their lifestyles so decided to forgive . In both cases the men went on to have other affairs . In one case the man had a child with the OW. He promised his wife he would never see the child . He did . In fact he has included her in his family life and his wife put up with it. He gave her away at her wedding last year.
Both women are ( like me ) in their 60s and are still dealing with infidelity.
Do you want that for yourself ?

Wow. 7 years!!? So basically your whole marriage... what the f is there to work on. Your entire marriage has been based on a lie.

Just to look at this another way, when your daughter is a young woman- if she is in the same situation with her partner, what advice would you give to her? Familiar patterns repeat.

You're an idiot if you believe all that. Face it, your husband has been happily shagging her for all these years. He's been enjoying deceiving you and your kids.

Don't play the pick me dance. This is only going to hurt you and your kids in the long run. Get. A. Divorce.

I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past
This is insane. How are you possibly going to do this when he can barely choose between the two of you. He was going backwards and forwards between you both more than 5 times. He's telling you that she's insane and he's likely telling her the same thing about you. He's deceived you for this long and when you found out he claimed it had only been going on a few months, then a year, then two years but no sex ever and now you are saying 7 years?
Look there is clearly nothing you won't forgive. You need to accept to move forward you have to be willing to share him with other women and not give him grief about that. It's the only way he loves this woman despite what he is telling you. You cannot just accept and move on and leave it in the past. This is his PRESENT not his past. How did you become so desperate? Heck he could be having sex with a different woman every day and you would still be there screaming and shouting, trying to control him, rather than accepting he will do what he wants and if you stay that's your choice - you choose to let him get on with it.

Good luck getting past 7 years of being deceived and lied to, because you are going to need it.

Also...it isn't just the OW's fault as your H is complicit in all of this too...and I'm saying this as someone who was cheated on with an OW. It wasn't just her fault as they are usually played a line and hooked in to believe The Script.

SEVEN YEARS?! Think about that. My ex cheated on me for a very short time and that was enough. No room for forgiveness, understanding or reconciliation because I deserved much better.

So no, in your position it would be VERY hard to get over. Seven weeks, maybe...but come off it...seven years?! What an evil thing to do to someone for that length of time.

Oh god, please find your self respect. I don’t say that to be deliberately hurtful but when the fog clears, you are going to cringe at trying to salvage a marriage that was a sham from almost the word go.

trying to salvage a marriage that was a sham from almost the word go.

I think this is the crux of it. But you can't make the last 7 years of your marriage have more meaning by trying to make it work in the future. Look up 'sunk costs fallacy'.

I see so it’s all her fault.

Wow he’s good if he’s managed to convince you of that!