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Original poster

Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

235 replies

maskingtherealme · 07/04/2019 19:34

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 08/04/2019 18:11

PS, there’s always a choice.

BasilBrushes · 08/04/2019 18:14

You’re burying your head in the sand. Sticking your fingers in your ears going la la la I can’t hear you!!!!

I mean, I bet he just fell in to her vagina too. Right?

katy78 · 08/04/2019 18:15

If you were my mother I would be deeply ashamed. God help your children.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 08/04/2019 18:17

I know you said you're leaving the thread but in case you feel differently - 7 years on / off affair and you're very very soon into dealing with the aftermath.

Google hysterical bonding - please please do, the way you speak viciously about her and paint him as weak but fundamentally a victim is textbook.

I have and still have various MH issues but couldn't be manipulated into shagging someone while with a long term partner.

Don't let yourself think you've won him back because he's seen the light. You've taken him back because you haven't.

I hope things work out for you but IME people's confidence is so damaged by affairs and it's almost impossible to recover from this damage while being presented with the cause of it daily ie your partner.

zsazsajuju · 08/04/2019 18:17

This is a sad thread. It is hard to leave and a lot of people don’t think they can manage without a man. But what life is it to stay in such an unhappy relationship?

Op I would try to find strength to leave. You are worth more.

whitesoxx · 08/04/2019 18:20

You're not strong people and not different to anyone else. He's still carrying on or soon will be.

Your children deserve so much better

PostNotInHaste · 08/04/2019 18:26

Ah the suicide thing. Back in the day when I was young and naive I got sucked in by that one. Different circumstances, I was going to dump the arsehole I was with but he took himself off to Clifton Suspenion bridge so like an idiot I stayed with him. Didn’t want to but at the time was genuinely worried he would kill himself.

Well he didn’t, what he did was fuck off with a very good friend of mine, who also was the girlfriend of a friend of his. Couldn’t be the one who was dumped. He’s spun you what he has worked out you would swallow and stick with him. Ask yourself why you are coming back to this thread, it’s because deep down you know everyone here is right, I feel for you Flowers i’ve spent over two decades now wotyna decent and honest man, I hope the same happens to you in the future.

Sakura7 · 08/04/2019 18:41

You can keep trying to convince yourself OP, but it's not working on anyone else. I bet your family are worried but feel they can't say anything in case you turn on them.

Staying with an abuser and a cheat is not good for your children, it will only bring more pain into their lives. I really hope that once the dust settles you start to see sense.

Dragonboobs · 08/04/2019 18:43

We are surviving a one night stand. It’s been a year since I found out and I’m still devastated. I don’t think I could forgive 7 years.

But my husband left his job IMMEDIATELY, he has done ALL the work. Every bit of it, still does and will do forever. Because he is actually and genuinely remorseful. No excuses - ever.

Look at the surviving infidelity website and read the healing library.

mrd · 08/04/2019 18:49

You probably will get through it. But not because of your joint decision, because of your decision. He's just saying what he needs to say to stop you thinking about him shagging this woman for 7 years. While he wasn't thinking about you or his kid. Wife and kids first. Or kids and wife. But not OW then wife then kid. Even if she's suicidal, twisted, whatever. So you can get through it, sure. There are thousands of women who make excuses for their knobhead husbands for their entire marriages. They "get through it".

But they probably aren't on here sharing their stories.

Ginger1982 · 08/04/2019 19:00

It WAS a relationship! A seven year relationship! And he has convinced you that he was the poor man controlled and deceived by her and that it's all her fault.

AND YOU HAVE FALLEN FOR IT!

🙄

BasilBrushes · 08/04/2019 19:28

He’s manipulating you. You have no idea what he told her.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/04/2019 19:30

7 years out of 8 and the backstory from MsDogLady....wow, not a hope in hell.

He's managed to avoid any concequences and redirect ops anger entirely towards the ow in true puppet master style.

If OP won't end it over a 7 year affair, then she also won't end it over the subsequent ones which are pretty innevitable.

The levels of self deceit for the sake of one-upmanship and a "comfortable" lifestyle are pretty terrifying.

anangalou · 08/04/2019 19:33

He's completely in charge here and you're dancing to his tune, no matter what nonsense you might be telling yourself. You're heading towards a life of heartache.

WeeMcBeastie · 08/04/2019 19:35

There must be a part of you that knows he really is an arsehole otherwise you wouldn’t be asking for advice from strangers on the internet. My EXH had affairs and not one of my friends blamed the OW or suggested for a second that I stay with him, I think you need some better friends!

eurgh · 08/04/2019 19:37

This is both the saddest and most frustrating thing I've read in a while!
One day you'll wake up and realise everything you've been told on this thread is true. I don't know why you feel you two are so special and so different to every other man and woman on the planet.
By the way, staying doesn't mean you're strong. It means he manipulates you very well and you are weaker for it.

ballsdeep · 08/04/2019 19:54

Didn't Ryan giggs have a really long affair of about the same. Length then had another affair with a big bro contestant?! If they do it once they'll do it again

ballsdeep · 08/04/2019 19:55

And please don't put the blame solely on her. He is a absolute bastard and did he hell grt manipulated into sleeping with her. Bollocks. You are being manipulated and believing his lies.

morallowground · 08/04/2019 19:57

so many couples end marriages over affairs that aren’t even a fraction of this! and we are strong people!

Leaving when someone cheats isn’t weak op, far from it, knowing your worth and that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t have the decency to stick to the vows they made you and cheats on you while you’re proving a loving home for them takes strength.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/04/2019 20:01

Saying all this won't make it true no matter how much you try and convince yourself.

Also it's kind of an own goal, because to paint this picture where he isn't to blame and it's all her - ALL HER, THE BITCH! - you have to draw a picture of your H which reduces him to a mindless, bumbling, helpless fool with no dignity and practically no brain (but definitely a throbbing dick he doesn't know how to handle). Then at the end of the story, you're left with that being your husband.

You're better off with the other story. The one where you accept what actually happened, that both of them are a pair of skanks who have been in this just as wholeheartedly as a 7-year off-on relationship would suggest, and you divorce him and go on to be happy.

There is a reason you haven't had the answers you want, it's because most if not all people wouldn't even contemplate staying with a man like this and carrying on pretending to have a marriage.

You don't sound strong and tough and happy, you sound desperately unhappy and totally not knowing what to do.

madeofstarlight · 08/04/2019 20:02

There's no way your family/friends think you're doing the right thing unless they don't love you at all. As a PP has said they'll all be biting their tongue because they know you don't want to hear the truth from them.

AIBUtopickanyoldname · 08/04/2019 20:03

What is there to save? You’ve never had a relationship with him when he hasn’t been fucking someone else.

Him cheating IS your relationship.

LemonTT · 08/04/2019 20:22

From the way you describe her OP, all I can say is he set the bar low for his affair partner. Christ I would want to be betrayed for someone who was at least sane and almost nice not a jealous "bunny boiler". And when he knew "what she was like" he went back to her, again and again. Nah, doesn't sound right

Sure all the "friends" and "colleagues" who are telling you the right story, at least the one your husband scripted, knew about this. You said as much. They lied to you then and have lied to you now. Your husband's betrayal has a long reach and has infected everyone around him. They too are stuck with his lies, just like you. You aren't getting the truth and you are making it easy for everyone to tell you what you want to hear.

If you want this to work close your heart and your ears. Have you half marriage, just don't trust him or rely on him.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 08/04/2019 20:24

Omg just remembered the Charles and Camilla thread you did - this man wished you DEAD to her. He actually wished you dead. And you saw. And now you're staying. Jesus Christ.

lifebegins50 · 08/04/2019 20:35

Op, you sound like a smart woman and no doubt completely shellshocked.

Have you considered counselling to help you with the most significant crossroads in your life.
Also have a look at Karpman Drama triangle as I think you are all rotating through the roles. He is the playing the victim now and you are his rescuer. Previously he was the rescuer and OW the victimised.

I think your gut instinct that he was a pathological conman was right but by the nature of his skills he is very able to deceive and trick you.
I wish you well as you have chosen the most difficult path (but it feels safer to you)