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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

235 replies

maskingtherealme · 07/04/2019 19:34

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/04/2019 22:34

7 years? Don't you think you deserve better?

I would be very wary of what his colleagues tell you or are reported to have said.

Thinking badly of people who sound bitter when you're prepared to remain in a relationship where you have been treated so appallingly is nuts.

But back to the point of the thread. You'd like to hear from someone who has made a marriage work where for 82% of that marriage the husband has been sleeping with the supposed best friend. You might have a long wait!

Pianobook · 07/04/2019 22:37

He didn’t even say sorry did he.

katy78 · 07/04/2019 22:40

I think you can get over it if you accept your life going forward will be putting up and shutting up. You cannot possibly expect him to be faithful? So that would now have to be the basis of your marriage.

He’s not even left the job, he requires help from colleagues to stop him seeing/cheating?! And in your own words: *Neither have shown remorse or even TRIED to apologise (not that it would make a difference BUT the fact they won’t even try“.
Christ. To now think you might want to have him back shows just how little you think of yourself and how desperate you are to be with him no matter what. Have you any consideration for what impact taking him back would have on your children? Because that is absolutely the worst decision for their wellbeing. They need a mum who can show them what a healthy relationship is, that has respect and boundaries. Otherwise you are just teaching them that they are worth nothing, just as you believe you are worth nothing.

Razzles · 07/04/2019 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/04/2019 22:45

I know 2 women who have stayed with their husbands after lengthy affairs. In one case the H had a child with the OW during a 3 year affair. In both cases the husbands have had other affairs which I suspect will happen in your case . After all, if you forgive him after a 7 year relationship, he knows you will forgive anything.

Lozzerbmc · 07/04/2019 22:45

Sorry this has happened to you. I think you need a good bit of time to think about whether you want the marriage and can possibly trust him again after so many years of lies. Lots of counselling and genuine remorse from him. Wishing you the best

QueenBeex · 07/04/2019 22:49

The op has made her mind up, she's staying with him. If a 7 year affair hasn't made her get a divorce, i don't think strangers on MN will either.

VirtuallyConfused · 07/04/2019 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MommaDuck · 07/04/2019 22:59

This wasn’t an affair it was a marriage without the ring and paper.
He ‘committed’ 7 years to her, whilst you raised his children, washed his dirty pants and probably put dinner on the table for him.
And you also think that someone who is capable of that has not indulged other women? Or that he won’t again?
That man is a narcissist. A self-absorbed cunt.
And why you’d even contemplate forgiving a man who has disrespected you so publicly I’ll never understand. All his work colleagues involved too.
This is really the standard you want to set for your children.
If you have a daughter... do you want to show her it’s ok for a man to treat a women/his family with such little regard?
If you have a son.... do you want him to believe it’s ok to treat another human so appallingly.
Open your eyes OP. Don’t come here for advice on something that not one person will agree with. You know in your heart that there is not going to be a success story following an extra-marital relationship that’s been going on so long. This man had to lives.
You’ll get no support on this forum with this one. Google your success stories. You’ll just cause frustration with people sat here thinking ‘if he was my husband, I’d have called my best friend for a spade and a patio to bury the bastard under’.
If you cannot be strong for you; then for Christ’s sake please do it for your children. They should not be exposed to such atrocities.

MollysLips · 07/04/2019 23:08

Read the book Women Who Stay With Men Who Stray before you make any decisions. I read it years ago and was struck with how happy the women who left their adulterous husbands were, compared to the ones who didn't.

I think you're much more likely to become bitter and angry if you stay than if you leave. I realise leaving feels like the harder choice now, but long term I'd think it'd be much, much easier.

Sorry you accidentally married a wanker. It's easily done! (I did it too.) But this does t have to be the final chapter in your life; it could end up being little more than a miserable footnote.

zsazsajuju · 07/04/2019 23:23

Is there some sort of cultural issue as to why you don’t want to get divorced? Seems strange to me that anyone would put up with that.

ConfCall · 07/04/2019 23:44

Of course there’ll be no success stories!

The stuff about the colleagues is particularly cringe-making. What a mess. Set your children a good example OP and leave this sham marriage.

Sadiesnakes · 08/04/2019 00:43

From what I recall, OW was at your home constantly, went on every family holiday except 1, and the children call her Aunt. They were having their affair right under your nose the whole time.

He went back and forth between you about 5 times, but finally chose her, and wanted you to leave so he could move her into the family home. She has been very smug towards you, like the cat who got the cream.*

Haven't read your other post but if this is the case I suspect your doing the pick me dance right now, really just to show her you won. If you actually manage to keep him you'll soon get very very angry and hateful towards him.
It won't last either way.

MashedSpud · 08/04/2019 00:57

Seven years.....that’s over two and a half thousand days and nights of being lied to.

How does someone learn to trust again after that?

beenwhereyouare · 08/04/2019 01:12

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3541416-Early-days-of-a-separation-brought-on-by-an-affair?pg=2&order=

Oh, Mask.
Please go back and read your own thread. Read it as though it were happening to someone else. In fact, read it as though it were happening to your child. What would you want for her/him? Would you want your child to take back someone who has broken every vow? Not just once but for seven years!?!?

Your reaction and behavior in your previous post were on the money. They've both treated you terribly, but you aren't married to her, he IS more at fault, and HE chose to put his relationship with her before you and your family. And it IS a relationship he has with her. He's been with her almost as long as he's been married to you. And he went back and forth several times deciding between the 2 of you!

What in the world happened to your anger and determination to do right by yourself and your children? How in the world could your marriage ever recover from the destruction and damage that man purposely did to you, over and over and over for SEVEN years? No, I don't know of anyone whose marriage has ever recovered from something like this. I'm not sure anyone ever really gets over even a one-time cheat, never mind the mind-boggling betrayal he's perpetrated on you.

You're the one who will spend years of your life struggling to fix something you didn't break. And in the meantime wasting years in which you could heal and find the love of a good man. Someone who doesn't cheat. Someone who would never have to decide between you and someone else. Someone who would make you their only choice, ever.

Please read that thread again. Please.

beenwhereyouare · 08/04/2019 01:14

Here's the link to the other thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3541416-Early-days-of-a-separation-brought-on-by-an-affair?pg=2&order=

LadyDowagerHatt · 08/04/2019 01:52

OP I recently found out that DH had a 7 month affair and we have been married nearly 15 years. I’ve done a lot of reading on both divorce and rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

Regarding the latter I understand it is difficult but possible especially if the following are true:

  • The person who cheated acknowledges all responsibility
  • The cheating party is honest about everything he/she has done - no more lies
  • All contact with the affair partner ceases.
  • The cheating party wants to rebuild the relationship i.e. it is not the one who has been cheated on begging him/her to come back.
  • The cheating party agrees to counselling
  • The original relationship was previously good and this behaviour is out of character
  • There was some kind of trigger which caused the change in behaviour e.g. bereavement, depression etc

For us all of the above are true but I still don’t know how I could ever rebuild that trust.

For you I can’t see that many of these things apply. I would say that if just one of the above are not true it would be rare or pretty much impossible that you could build a strong, happy relationship. In moving on from affair you are effectively building a new relationship with your husband but following an affair for the majority of your marriage I really don’t see that you have anything to build on.

managedmis · 08/04/2019 02:21

Op? still there?

Whaddya reckon?

Crabbyandproudofit · 08/04/2019 02:48

Not surprising really, there are no success stories. I'm not sure if your self esteem is so low that you don't believe you deserve better. I got the impression from your OP that you are simply determined to prove that you can do the impossible and rebuild your marriage, perhaps a way to prove you are in control after all?

If you were starting a relationship from scratch with this man it would be unlikely to be long lasting. How long will it have to be to prove your point?

movingornot · 08/04/2019 02:48

You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with this piece of shit, I can guarantee it.

Leaving will be hard. But not as hard as living out the rest of your days with suspicion, anxiety and self-loathing. Your situation is utterly unworkable - there's just no getting over that level of deceit and betrayal. You're kidding yourself.

Come on OP - where's your self-respect?! I'm so sorry this happened to you but please don't be a wuss - make a stand and show your children that they should never tolerate this kind of behaviour. Their father is garbage and in time they will learn that. If you stay with him they may start to see you as a weak woman. Which will make you feel even worse.

Don't bother - he will never, EVER be worth it. Sorry OP. Thanks

movingornot · 08/04/2019 02:50

You can have a decent future alone, without him. And eventually maybe with a new fella. The pain will start to fade but only once you consign him to the bin. Otherwise you'll have to live with this stabbing you every day. Fuck that!

Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/04/2019 03:39

We have survived the confession of a one night stand but not an affair with an emotional connection. My DH told me about the ONS because he couldn't' cope with the guilt and thought it would drive us apart. I felt that he was making me feel worse so he could feel better. My anger was about that selfishness rather than feeling betrayed by his cheating. I suppose I'm confident he wouldn't cheat again because he couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think we would have stayed together for another 20 years if I had been constantly watching for signs of infidelity.

FenellaMaxwell · 08/04/2019 04:06

Seven years out of an 8 year marriage?! I don’t think you’re going to find anyone who considers staying with someone like that a success I’m afraid! Shock. WHY are you trying to salvage a relationship that doesn’t sound like it was ever there in the first place?

MsDogLady · 08/04/2019 04:47

You have described this man’s abuse of you in three other threads.

I have been utterly deceived and betrayed in the most wickedest of ways. I REALLY want him to face the consequences of what he has done. I am determined to end my marriage. He is a controlling and abusive conman...with evil undertones...selfish and cruel.

Those were your comments two weeks ago. What happened? Has he again conned you? You had already filed on grounds of adultery and unreasonable behavior. You had the proof that OW had been H’s long-term mistress, and you had recently sent this evidence to her husband to use in their upcoming divorce.

After discovery, H was still conniving and duplicitous. At one point, he came downstairs to tell you he had chosen you after having just secretly messaged OW to say he had chosen her. He actually did move into her 5 bedroom home with 4 cars, but wanted to move her into your home. He said he felt energized with her. He planned for you and the children to move to a smaller home around the corner.

You were outraged at his treachery with the woman you viewed as your “sister, best friend, and the children’s aunt,” with whom you shared Christmases, holidays, day trips, overnights at home, family events, and his PHD graduation. As she was an honorary family member, theirs was essentially an incestuous relationship that began when your younger child was in utero or newborn.

You actually suspected something as far back as 2014, but dismissed it. H and OW were always sitting together on the sofa, starting diets/hobbies together, and making decisions about your home while ignoring you. She would weigh herself in her bra and thong in front of him, but you didn’t think he was the type to “look and chase.” He was having sex with both of you.

In 13 years he has never told you he loves you, and he is never outwardly affectionate. When his daughter tells him she loves him, he refuses to respond that he loves her. Can you imagine how that makes her feel?

He physically assaulted you in October for an innocuous comment about the house that he heard you make to his mother. He tightly grabbed your forearms, and slammed you into the wall, pinning you there and glaring icily. You were terrified and your daughter may have seen the attack when she ran down the hall to tell you both to stop fighting. When you were able to break away, you ran to the car and tried to back out, but he blocked you. You didn’t lock the door, so he reached in and took away your keys.

In that thread, you said, “I felt like he detached a long time ago, but I am the sort of person that will bury their head in the sand, hate confrontations, and allow others to walk all over me. It’s my weakness. I haven’t felt loved by him.”

OP, he is still the same “conman...with evil undertones” who cheated on you in your own home and treated you contemptuously for 7 years. The same emotionally twisted narcissist who has never told you or your children that he loves you. The same abuser who attacked you last fall, possibly in the presence of your child.

Please pull your head out of the sand. Saying he is cruel and untrustworthy is a huge understatement. Do you really want to further damage your children by exposing them to this toxic environment? You are sabotaging your future and theirs.

MsDogLady · 08/04/2019 05:07

PhD