Surviving an affair - anyone with success stories?

[maskingtherealme]

My husband and I are one week into salvaging our 8 and a half year marriage (2 children) after I found out about his affair with our best friend.

Without getting into it because I have posted about it here within the last three weeks, I just want to know of success stories of couples surviving adultery and actually successfully making a go of their marriage.

We are both determined, I am, he says he is, but obviously there are trust issues especially as he works in the same company as her but not in the same department or office and his work colleagues who were glad of the affair ending and supporting us, are going out of their way to ensure their paths never cross, at the insistent of me and him!

The affair was seven years ... yes, that long. But without divulging because it’s a tale in itself, we both feel that we already had something strong to work on.

Many who I know have ditched their husbands and partners after infidelity and then are bitter about it for years afterwards and I am determined to accept, acknowledge and move on rather than dwell on the past.

Anyone got any success stories?

I honestly can’t see what you’re trying for? To say you’ve won? He isn’t a prize. For your children? Who’ve witnessed his abuse of you. I mean, why??

I will try to answer a lot of what people raised ...

@MsDoglady WOW!!
And to think I made my assumption/ observation just on this and the previous thread. What you have summarised there is a man that dances with the devil. An out and out Narc.
OP you have my upmost sympathy for your situation. You really do. But what @MsDogLady has written should ring home with you about his maltreatment of you and your children. It’s hard to hear that you don’t have support with this, but you really are wasting your life and your children’s.

Relationships can sometimes survive infidelity but wow, there's infidelity and there's INFIDELITY.

Your best friend and seven years? I'm sorry but I see no way back from that, even apart from the fact that they still work at the same place.

Get some counselling and move on with your life.

I can see it from everyone’s perspective about me being an idiot etc for taking him back because prior to this, I would have said the same thing!

maskingtherealme after everything he has done why are you taking him back? Genuine question, im really struggling to understand why you would give this man a chance.

Seven years! And with your best friend...you poor thing.. You need to find some pride and self respect and end it! Don't you think you deserve better?

While it might seem like the end of the world at present, as time goes on you would begin to get over it. You are obviously an intelligent woman, please ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, as you can't remotely trust this man. Think also of the toxic effect on your children. You are still fairly young, you can rebuild your life. You absolutely know you deserve a better life than this.

Please leave him OP. 7 years! You deserve better. I can't believe you could or should be happy with him. Start a new life without him

Do you need him to be faithful in the future OP or would you also be ok with future indiscretions with new or the same women?

You won't get over it, don't kid yourself.
Leave him

OP I think we will be needing you to share your success story as time goes on. I do not know anyone who will stay in a marriage with a DH who had an affair during 7yrs of the 8.5yrs marriage.

Seven years - in her mind it was a relationship! My best friend saw her for EXACTLY what she is a week ago when she went with him for moral support - a conniving, manipulating, bunny boiler, who ‘attempted suicide’ again which was simply scratching her arms (she did that the week before and claimed she tried to kill herself and that’s what pulled him back to her - guilt and fear which is apparently what she has been doing for the past seven years. She was, according to many who heard HER story of wanting to move into my home, jealous of me. She wanted everything that was my life and my husband came to realise this when he moved in and ‘true colours’ were revealed. He saw that she was jealous of ME! He admits he really has been stupid to the core. He says that it hasn’t been seven long years rather a lot of time within that it had stopped but he mistakenly believed he could continue a friendship - during that time she WAS seemingly now, a good friend. Our children had a really good relationship with her and still now miss her because at 7 and 4 they don’t understand. He accepts his stupidity in thinking that and classically, he wanted to minimise hurt and pain for all INCLUDING himself.
I have spoken with her STBXH and he agrees with what I have said about her.

He doesn’t excuse his behaviour. He accepts he’s at fault. No excuses. But with everything there are reasons for behaviour - whether we accept them or not everyone behaves and reacts to everything around them, events, feeling etc, etc.

He knows I cannot forgive what he did. And without going into it right now (I am busy atm) I KNOW we are both doing what is right for us and our children.

Oh god OP.
This is a natural reaction to blame the women. By doing so it means that you feel less pain and you have an outlet for your anger.
This isn’t about her as such. Well it is because of her betrayal to you. But you can cut ties with her. This is about your husband.

Sorry but crazy or not, your husband still found her sexually arousing, got an erection for her hundreds(thousands?) of times and ejaculated into her vagina, with no regard for you or your children.
This is absolutly the worst thing for your children, not just because of his infedility but because they have witnessed him assault you. This is entirely your selfish need not to be alone and to win him from her. Your children will suffer, just speak to any adult child or parents who abused each other or disrespected each other like this.

Op nooo.....don’t take him back and accept his lies, the man is a pathological liar, he lied to you every day for seven years. Why is he going to change now?
The whole situation sounds awful and my heart truly goes out to you, but honestly you are worth so much more than this and although it probably doesn’t feel like it at the moment, it is much easier out of these kind of relationships then in them.
I wish you well.

You honestly think staying with that man is ‘doing what’s right for us and our children’
This is a man you said had ‘evil undertones’.
He has made you believe that this is all the OW. So classic of a narcissist. Bit of triangulation and gaslighting in the mix.
I could understand if you said ‘fuck it I no I’m daft but I wanna give this ago’ but to delude yourself that this continued for so long because of her threats for suicide and other such behaviour a is a joke.
Wake up OP. You’re only fooling yourself here.
Others may be more sympathetic, but I’m a tough love kinda girl and this is honestly absurd.
See a counsellor OP, I promise it will help you feel more empowered and unravel this mess. But honestly, you said you didn’t want to end up bitter like other ‘wives who leave’ etc. You will be bitter; especially whilst your focus is blaming the OW and using her as an anger outlet. This should be directed towards your husband.

Oh come on, you don't really believe that this is in your children's best interests do you?!

He's a good guy - honest! It was all her fault! She's an evil, manipulative bunny boiler - she really is. He's been trying to break up with her for years - he really has! All along, every time he was fucking her, he was thinking of me and our DC - he really, really was. He couldn't wait to end it and come clean to me, to fess up and be totally honest. And I believe it. Every word of it. I'm choking on it and yet I believe it BECAUSE I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK ABOUT THE ALTERNATIVE.

Sorry OP, but your 'D'H is minimising this and you've fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. Go and have some marital therapy ON YOUR OWN. You need someone to talk all this through with - someone impartial who can help you see that he's spinning you a load of self-serving shit.

Oh ffs, it was all her fault ??? get your head out of the sand op, classic minimising and blaming everything but himself

OP most of your last comment was about the OW. You need to stop that, take a step back and focus on your husband and what his actions were.

Based on other threads he sounds like a psychopath and you need to leave.

PS I also tried years ago to save a relationship after cheating. I thought I had got over it but it had slowly destroyed my love for him and it really was like waking up one day with a clear head and I just walked away. Don't waste your time or your children's time. It won't work

Oh come on, OP. In your heart of hearts you can't truly believe all that. These people have treated you terribly please treat yourself with kindness and respect and walk away from the pair of them. You will never be happy if you stay, do you not think that you deserve happiness? Staying miserable in a bad relationship won't do anything for your children except make them unhappy too.

Her dh is getting rid, you need to do the same. You forgive and you've given him the green light to do it again - which he will. He doesn't care about your feelings, he never did. This is all about him wheedling his way back in again and making life easier for himself. Don't be a mug.

God, this is depressing.

I really hope your children don’t follow in your footsteps.

I’ll consider myself an utter failure if my daughter ends up like you. And I’m sorry because I know that’s harsh but my god! What happened to you to make you so pathetic??

Ah God love him for seven years she made him sleep with her. He had no involvement at all