I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

I don't think you are ready for a relationship. He can't win and you've decided in a very extreme way to think the worst of him and the situation. Its all a bit drama llama. It sounds more like what a teenager would obsess about and not someone who has a bit of life experience under their belt. What kind of adult with several serious relationships behind them obsesses so much about looks? I've never been the good looking one in my relationships but I've been the really buzzy, creative, warm funny one. I know which I'd rather be!

Maybe you should go out with someone really ugly who has never had a relationship to make yourself feel better.

I think that i know what it is. You say Everyone is trying to reassure me that something won't be the case when he has already revealed that it is and basically, yes, that might be the case, but the point is - why does that matter? He may have said you are not objectively a goddess of Grace Kelly proportions - but - and this is the key thing - so what?

I think you are finding it hard to understand this because you have nowhere to pin it. In your head what might be objectively described as "beauty" is very important and it is hard for you to understand why other people just don't see things like that. But then... he will gaze into your eyes one day and you will feel a rush of emotional intimacy and it will all suddently fall into place. "Oh I seeee" you'll say "It just doesn't matter as much as I thought it did"

*suddenly

I spend most of the day thinking about myself and my dd.

I guarantee you, 100% guarantee you, that I have no clue, zero clues, what colour Susan wore to be BBQ.

You're totally not listening woman!!

Jesus @Whatad calm down!

OP what is considered attractive is historically and culturally variable. There is no one standard of beauty. Have a look at this very interesting selection of photos - I can find more academic studies, but this makes it very clear www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/global-beauty-standards When you say these other women are more attractive, it's nonsense. They might fit some current bizarre standard of western beauty but it doesn't make them more attractive to everyone.

You are setting yourself up to fail because you want to fail, because it's familiar and comfortable to you to do so. You don't want a successful relationship with someone who loves you because this frightens you. And I'm afraid it comes down to the old joke "how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to really want to change".

Some amazing advice on this thread, please heed it!

What I'm most perplexed about is that everyone has different tastes and different versions of what they find attractive, how can you possibly assume everyone will have the same idea of attractiveness as you?!

My DH loves a curvy brunette with natural looks - luckily for me! But I'd love to be a skinny glamorous blonde with if I could, which is so not his type?! He just doesn't see what I see and vice versa. Some people like tall, some short, long hair, short hair... I'm just gobsmacked you've assumed all his friends and family will judge you by your standards. It's quite bizarre.

Conversation is a two-way thing. One talks, the other listens.

This whole thread you have been picking one word out and then ranting on about how you feel about that.

LISTEN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!

Wow talk about kick someone while they are down. There’s being brutally honest... and then there’s being a complete bitch about it calm down

And there's listening to self-indulgent bollocks for a whole day............

I've tried my best to be patient with you OP, but FFS. Nobody cares!!!!

For fuck sake! You’ve tried to be patient? Really?? Are you drunk? Leave her the fuck alone. Nobody is making you read or post.

Well what's your advice IvanaPee

Because she sure as hell won't take it!!!

She will however give you a lengthy explanation of why she can't take your advice.

Ask him what he liked about his exes. See what he says.

I've got two brothers and my eldest son is on his second girlfriend. They're the most important males in my life and the beauty or otherwise of their girlfriends or wives has never once come into anything. It's how they are as a person. How genuine, how much fun, how they love the important men in my life that is the most important. Seeing my brothers or son happy is what's important.

I've been asked out by very good looking men and gone out with a variety of different looking men. When I was attracted to them, I found them super attractive, physically too, even if obejcetivelyy they're not classically good looking.

I get how you must feel and most people would feel a bit like you do. But please don't take it to the extreme and sabotage your relationship.

@Whatad - Go away and be unpleasant to someone else will you and do us all a favour!!

@Whatad you do know you don’t actually have to read or post?

While you’re dining out with all these wonderful people, have any of them ever explained to you that internet chat forum threads are, in fact, voluntary?

Why did you even start dating him or pursue him or even show him you were interested?

If you are so below him physically why did you even consider being with him was possible?

And I mean that honestly. I wouldn’t even consider that someone like ooh ....Tom hardy would give me a backwards glance.
I would never ever kid myself.

But you on some level thought you were enough for this man as you have even got the relationship stage.

So what changed?

I asked for your advice for the OP IvanaPee