I've got to end this, haven't I? So fucking stupid.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

My head is in a complete spin and I don't know what to do for the best. I can't think straight.

I've been seeing someone since Jan. Very compatible. He's kind, thoughtful and loving.

But I've been worrying about the fact his ex wife and subsequent ex girlfriend are both far, far, far more attractive than me - slim, fit and beautiful. I'm just not. I'm best described as 'soft and curvy'; more accurately as 'plump'. I don't wear make up, my hair is natural and just left wavy - I never style it. Appearance wise, I'm the right side of 'average' in a good light...

I supposed to be meeting a small group of his oldest and closest friends in a couple of weeks and, to say I've been feeling a bit anxious about it would be an understatement.

I know his friends are going to be judging me on my 'suitability' for him and comparing me to his exes. It's normal and I know mine did when they met him! The fact they judged him favourably is besides the point.

I've been so anxious about it, I've been trying to manage the drive to call the whole thing off - the meeting of friends and the relationship. He doesn't know this. I've been working on talking myself down from just running away from it all but he's just said something that's sent all my barriers up

We were having a jokey text exchange and I responded to something with "ah no, don't say that, I'm already worried your friends will wonder what you see in me!" and his reply was, "Don't worry about what they think. It's what I think that matters and I think you're beautiful".

So he knows exactly what I mean. They will be wondering what he sees in me because I'm not as slim, pretty etc as his exes. And he is also acutely aware that they are going to be thinking that because he also knows it's true. Fucksake, I know it's true!

I'm such an idiot for thinking this could ever have been anything real or proper. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for..

I just need to learn that I'm not cut out for relationships, that this is all I'll ever be - not quite good enough and just stop deluding myself it could ever be anything different.

I'm just so fucking stupid 😢

And really sad.

You're scared of being dumped

That's the thing, I'm not. I'm scared of being judged "not good enough". I'm not needy - he has no idea I feel like this. And, for the first time ever, I'm genuinely not not worried about being dumped. I've spent the last 4 years being ok on my own, I'm sure I'd manage again.

I don't know if I can get over the fear but, you're right, it is all consuming at the moment. I can't imagine not caring about though.

So when you walk in and meet them how do you know they think you are ugly?

Well when I'm afraid I find it useful to think - what is the worst that can happen?
So what is the absolute worst thing that can happen if they think you're not good enough for your boyfriend? The absolute worst thing?

I think you've totally taken his reply the wrong way and because of how you feel about yourself have made his answer validate your feelings.

It doesn't matter what they think, just him.

We are more than our exterior 😀

I agree that whatad was harsh.

You CAN overcome this OP. I worked in mental health for years and saw loads of people overcome the numbers that their parents had done on them.

What I would say is that often they tried something and it didn't work for them at that time. When they went back and tried again later, it did work.

A lot of it depends on the counsellor themselves. Some aren't that great to be honest. It can take a while to find one you gel with.

I have a question for you OP......your worst fear seems to be your new man rejecting you because he will decide he can do better elsewhere. BUT if that happened (and there is nothing to suggest it will, as this man isnt your mum or exes), you already know for sure that you can get through it. Because you have before.

Every time a couple splits up, the bottom line is that they think they would fit better with someone else. Supermodels have failed marriages. Look how many relationships Kate Moss has had.

None of us are immune from rejection. The difference is, your mum taught you to expect it. For a host of horrible reasons that made you feel dreadful.

You were then rejected by someone who obviously knew your insecurities and played on them. That is an abusive bastard.

Now you have met a totally different man. You make each other happy.

Do you honestly think that your happiness lays in rejecting him before he rejects you? Honestly?

@KindnessIsUnderrated
Not sure why you're saying that what I've said is harsh since you've effectively regurgitated precisely what I said in your own post!

But the thought that maybe he has chosen me because I'm less attractive or that he is aware that I'm less attractive or that his friends and family are and are wondering what on earth he sees in me really bothers me

Tell him about your mum and your ex. You could always bring it up by talking about family and why you don't see your mum.

Then tell him what you have said above. Ask him.

Those slim beauties are exes for a reason. You are his current love, for a reason. He loves how you make him feel and that makes you more beautiful than those exes would ever be to him.

@Whatad because that is what the professionals have told me...

The emotional damage suffered as a child can not always be fixed or overcome, the more they research the more evidence supports this. It's about learning to accept and manage the thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes acknowledging and verbalise the feelings and thoughts is enough to make them "less" and make them containable.

@Whatad yes, I agree. But I said it without telling the OP that people who lack confidence are draining. It is HOW you say something as much as what is said. How you said it, I personally felt was harsh. You don't. That's ok.

Actually, I don't think Whatad is overly harsh. That is exactly how it would be experienced by other people. Which is exactly why I don't talk about it in real life.

What your very essence of self was never allowed to develop as a child it is quite possibly gone forever

Yes, I know.

Whatad there is a lot of evidence that the brains of infants who are not loved by their primary caregivers don't develop the necessary neural pathways to 'recover' from it. Especially if it isn't properly tackled until adulthood.

I've both paid and had NHS counselling/therapy. But RandomMess is right. I've already looked into it and have been told I can't get what I actually need on the NHS.

I can't really afford it either. This issue has affected every aspect of my life. I've got a MA and work in a professional role but at the lowest level. I've never been for a promotion or stepped out of my comfort zone at work because there has never been a comfort zone. It's all I can manage to get myself there every day with a smile on my face and get it done. But I actually love what I do.

This also impacts on how I think others will see me.

I can see how my children were turning out. My son says I'd be kicking ass all over the place if I were my mum. He says I'm the strongest person he knows because I've just fought my way through life. He said it's a shame that the potential was clearly there and that, rather than love and nurture me, my mother sought to destroy it.

He's very insightful. He gave me some very accurate insights into my own relationship history.

So when you walk in and meet them how do you know they think you are ugly?

I don't think they will think I'm 'ugly' but they will think I'm less attractive than his exes. I'm really sad about that. I don't see how he can love me or ever love me as much as them if he can look at me and objectively say, "X and Y were better looking and had better bodies".

Ask this man "what's are your insecurities?" Just a general conversation opener find out how much insight he has to himself?

I agree it's very difficult to discuss this with most people because they (fortunately) really cannot get it. It's like the ability to like and love oneself is absent.

So what is the absolute worst thing that can happen if they think you're not good enough for your boyfriend?

It's not so much about what would happen. More the case that it is true in the first place.

But I suppose the worst that could happen is that they talk about me negatively behind my back;

Put doubts in his mind;

Tell his exes;

That it means he isn't capable of loving me as a result.

He knows I don't see my mum and a few things here and there but he doesn't know the impact of it. He had a lovely upbringing in a very close and loving family. His life hasn't been charmed but he doesn't understand this.

How do you know they will think that? Most people are worrying about what is going on with them or just having a nice night.

But why do you care so mych about what his friends might, or might not, think? Its consuming you, your relationship is with your DP who obviously likes you and finds you attractive.
I didn't like some of my DHs friends and they didn't like me. So what? I didn't have to spend any time with them if I didn't want to.
I agree withthe pp who say you are self sabotaging the relationship through fear of being dumped or hurt.

You are 'mind reading'. No-one cares as much as you think. I say this as someone who also does this.

Ask this man "what's are your insecurities?" Just a general conversation opener find out how much insight he has to himself?

That's a brilliant idea. Thank you. I think he'd be happy to answer that. He's very open and I suspect he has very good insight too.

What do you love about him OP?
Is it his looks, his body, or just him?

I say this with kindness but it is going to be blunt.

Yes, his friends probably will judge you on first impressions as the way you look is a first impression, it’s human nature and not necessarily negative. But you know what, at some point you will just be ‘X’s partner’ and eventually you will be ‘campfire and beers’. These are all stages we go through in new relationships. My DH has a very close group of friends, all of whom had been with their partners/wives a long time before I came on the scene and he himself had been with his ex for 8 years before we met.

I couldn’t be ANY different from his ex and most of his friends’ wives and girlfriends are absolutely stunning, but you know what, he was so proud to have me on his arm and now I’m one of the most popular out of the group because I’m always up for a laugh, I don’t take myself seriously, I’m laid back etc etc etc most of which the others aren’t, they’re more into getting their hair and make up done and taking selfies.

Moral of the story is, one day this will be a distant memory, you’ll have fit perfectly in with the group and you’ll just be you.

You are judging him and his friends as harshly as your mother judged you. It wasn’t fair of her and you are letting your inner critic be just as unfair. Like I said, that voice lies to you.

No two people are the same. Just because your mother and exes were nasty and judgy, it doesn’t mean that this guy and his friends are the same. Try not to judge them so harshly before they’ve even met you.

Ask him " do you think I am confident?" Just try and steer it via open but "deep" questions.

Recognise it's not about you being less attractive then then but it's more about your sense of self worth and that you feel incredibly vulnerable knowing you will be judged when actually their opinion (wrongly) matters to you.

I was utterly shocked when someone told me they thought I would never be bullied as I wouldn't put up with crap the total opposite is true, I struggle daily with the impact other people's behaviour has on me.

It will hopefully be helpful to find out how accurately he perceives you?

"Meeting your friends is making me feel insecure about myself" he may or may not realise that, but if you tell him then he can at least choose to check you're ok or make it a situation where it's easy to leave "early" if it's too much?

Can you see this as an event for you to get to know them rather than an event where they judge you?

Your boyfriend obviously thinks you're at the very least passable in public or he wouldn't be introducing you to his friends would he!

We're all judgeymcjudgypants in life. It's what we do. Try to feel secure enough in the fact that HE wants you there. If they don't like it, fuck them!

Maybe watch a feel-good movie like Pretty Woman. She didn't fit in did she, but in the end, it didn't matter, because her boyfriend liked her and that was that!

I probably scrub up well, but while I might appear confident, I'm just as insecure as the next person. Everyone, no matter how glamorous has their insecurities. Everyone.

This really isn't about judging him or his friends. It's about the facts. The facts are that I am less attractive and fatter than his exes. That's just a fact

So what? My DPs ex is taller, slimmer and younger than me. They were miserable together towards the end of their relationship. He and I have been together for years now. If any of his friends/family compared me to her for being shorter, fatter and older than her when I met them then they hid it very well. If someone had said something, then they'd be an arsehole that I wouldn't bother with ever again.

This video might amuse you - men do like big butts!!!

And this is what your mother SHOULD HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU!