ExH is having a baby with OW

[Ginandunicorns]

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

My DS likes going there, he's very fond of his dad's partner. According to him, his sister is either on her phone or in her room.

I’m going to be honest:

I think if they were awful people they’d be awful to both of your children.

The fact that your son who wasn’t around to hear your vitriol is fine is really rather telling.

There will be so much going on with your dd; the hatred that spilled from you, guilt because if she does get on with them she’ll be betraying you.

And of course her own upset/confusion/anger.

Instead of continuing to find fault with your ex, why not help your dd feel excited or at least not horrified by the thought of a sibling?

LaughingCow I never understood why he never wanted to take the next step. It became very painful for me not to have the same surname as my DC. Everyone knew about this, including his family. He says he thought he was doing the right thing but something he particularly wanted to. I believe him, our marriage didn't even survive 12 months. In one of our many fights he mentioned how he now wants to get married because he's found someone he wants to be with. Not because life had put him in a place where what he wanted was not as important as what he thought was best for everyone involved. He's said as much as he loves his children he has couldnt keep living a life he never wanted to live. That was very painful to hear.

Because he didn’t love you, Gin. I’m sorry but he very obviously didn’t love you and didn’t want to be with you.

His actions haven’t been good. Of course.

But not loving you is not a crime. Sounds like he was railroaded into being with you. And he shouldn’t have allowed that to happen but neither should you.

You still sound so, so caught up in him. He’s really unhealthy.

There's a lot of talk about entitlement and rights to move on and be happy. But when you are a parent your rights should take second place to what your children need.
Lying to and cheating on the other parent of your child is never in their best interests. There are ways to leave a relationship and this is not it. Getting the ow knocked up after 5 minutes and just expecting kids to adapt is selfish arsehole behaviour and the ow who takes part in this is also indulging in very skanky behaviour.

@Iwanna nobody has condoned the actions of the ex. He should not have had an affair, he should have ended the relationship properly and he should be prioritising his current children’s well-being at the moment. But he isn’t posting on here, it’s the OP and she is the person we are talking to and advising.

Whether she likes it or not, he has the right to leave the marriage.
For no reason, bad reason or good reason. Everyone does and there is nothing the other party can do about it. The OP has no control over his behaviour now. Her influence is reducing and can only be exercised through court order or building a constructive co parenting relationship.

The former won’t get her very far in terms of telling him to get the snip, refrain from sex, or not have a new relationship. Nor will it make him be the parent she wants him to be or their daughter needs. The only thing that will do that is a better relationship based on reasonable asks.

OP it is very unlikely your daughter cares deeply, if at all, for your DP of a few months or your ex’s DP of an equal period. She loves her father and he has let her down. So right now she doesn’t like him or the situation. But she still loves him and that is a confusing concept. Help her with that so she doesn’t have a pattern of destructive relationships.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I think my exH's new gf wanted to get pregnant quickly to make sure he stayed with her. Mutual friends told me they were forever splitting up for s day or so then getting back together. He claims the pregnancy was accidental. I didn't believe it for one minute. Especially when she accidentally got pregnant again. These two pregnancies to him were after two accidental pregnancies with her ex In my kinder moments I wonder about her self esteem and how she's feeling now that the abuse he gave me will be focused on her. Then I remember she was knowingly the OW to a man with 2 young children and a wife who'd just lost her dad to cancer. Then she encouraged him to take me to court, told everyone my children were hers and collided with him in all the ongoing emotional abuse and has been alienating my kids. So my sympathy is virtually non existent now.
OP try to rise above it. Your dd will vote with her feet and know him for the twat he is very soon if she doesn't already

While no one is exactly directly condoning the affair, I still think this thread has a lot of people talking about his right to move on, while putting the boot into the OP because she hasn't found it quite so easy and has made mistakes.
I think the best way forward is to block any contact that doesn't directly concern contact arrangements for your DD. Do that via email or text. Don't look at his FB etc. Tell your DD that it is okay to love the new baby or not, if she isn't ready yet. Either way is okay with you. You do have to stop any negative comments but you don't have to foster the relationships between DD and his new gf and baby - that's his job and too big and ask of you. Bring totally neutral is good enough imo. Don't block access but don't bend over backwards and upset your own life to facilitate it. Again it his job if he wants to see DD and if he doesn't then no amount of work on your part will hide that from her in the long term.
Ensure he meets his financial obligations. But beyond that, I would behave as if he simply didn't exist because I think this will be the least painful way forward for you.

OP please try and help your daughter in a positive way get through this.

It sounds awful for you but I have been in her position before it’s so confusing and heartbreaking and she needs her mum. It’s horrible for you but she will need you to act like this is a good thing for her.

I had a very complicated relationship with both my parents and was often put in the middle. It will be hard enough a new baby is on the way.

for you because I think you’ve had it way too difficult. For what it’s worth you are better off with someone who really loves you

I have no access to any SM everybody has blocked each other. All contact is purely about the DC apart from a few pleasantries here and there, sometime even my DP deals with him

It does sound like your daughters dislikes her dad because of the way you spoke about him to her. I don’t know what to advise as the damage is already done. You can’t take back the words she heard and I’m not sure how she can come out of her dislike for him, especially when you clearly hate him a lot too. My mum was like you, and it is so damaging. My dad was an arsehole but as a kid I didn’t need to hear that all the time and with such venom. I mean, to go out and tell the street what he did seems a bit dramatic to me.

Of course it's painful to hear he was living a lie being with you. He should not have married you, but maybe he felt things could change.

It's about you moving forward with the best thing that came out if your relationship, your dd.

I suspect she feels very conflicted and sees loving her dad and embracing her half sibling as betraying you.

You need to tell her that is not the case. And again, you do need counselling. Not just for this but for why you accepted a relationship with a man who did not want to be with you. Did you ever think when you were trying to convince him to marry you that this was wrong or strange?

I just thought that some don't believe in marriage and he was one of them. Our DD was a surprise, we had only been dating for a few months, but he never tried to get away from his responsibility so we tried to make the best out of it. Many couples do it and I couldn't see why we'd be the exception. He never knew how to leave until somebody else gave him the strength to do so.

He's not the exception. Many relationships fail.

How long were you together before you married and how long in tital? You both were wrong to stick your head in the sand and think a piece of paper would change anything.

Rejection stings, but the writing was on the wall that this wouldn't last, you just didn't want to see it.

We were 10 before getting married, 11 total.

That is years of course. It's hard to come to terms that I lived in a lie for all of those years because he was doing to do the right thing for our DC.

I doubt it was all a lie. Or that he only stayed for the kids, no matter what he's saying now. It really isn't uncommon to rewrite history once a relationship ends.
But you deserve someone who really loves you.

My cheating ex H hasn’t yet announced having a baby with OW, but I know it’s probably just a matter of time and I’m trying to prepare myself for it.

I am surprised at how negative some of the poster are, after you are only human and you were with your ex for a long time. He is the one that behaved badly. I feel like these cheaters just feel like they can do what they want and there are no ramifications. It feels like their behaviour is condoned by society largely.

I have no idea how I managed to rise above my ex behaviour but I have done and have even managed to take the kids to some things with him. I never thought that be possible but I see how happy it makes my kids (they are littler 2 & 4) and I feel so proud of myself and it honestly helped me heal to know that I’m doing the best thing I possibly can for them. It’s also helped me move out of the hate bubble relatively quickly. However, I am not as far on as you and I 100% would be saddened if my ex had a baby with the OW. As she would then be tied to my babies forever....

I agree with those who have suggested, have as little contact as possible and only re the kids. Be as civil as possible in front of your children and try and speak positively about the baby as this will be your children’s half sibling. Make it as easy as possible for your children. What I’ve found is you can totally “fake it until you make it” just pretend to be civil and pleasant and the weirdest thing happens it gets easier.

I hate what my husband did, he too tried to rewrite history well recent history anyway but he gave me my two beautiful children and many happy years feeling loved, so for that I will always care about him. I craved to feel indifferent but I don’t think that will ever come for me...

Good luck and I hope you can find the strength to help your children through the crazy emotions that will come with a half sibling arriving

Thank you. Yes, I've made mistakes but the pain was too much to bear.

As much as I'd like to think he rewrote our history there were clues throughout the years that point that what he said is true. There had always been a lack of intimacy. Took years to convince him to have another DC. From the start we were more like good friends but I thought that's what couples with children become.

OP I mean this kindly but you need to focus on your daughters pain and confusion. Ideally so should your ex, but he’s not part of this discussion and he is making his own bad decisions.

It is your daughter who matters, not the Ex, not the OW, not your DP and right now not even the baby who isn’t borne yet. She lived through a marriage which you described as not good, a messy breakdown of that marriage and an even more messy separation. Both her parents have quickly found someone else to console them, something she has no say in. She has not seen good examples of adult relationships. That will have a profound impact on her.

She is going to be confused about her feelings towards her father. At a hugely informative age. She loves him but resents him. Her behaviour is typical of a child. She is punishing him by withdrawing but this punishes and damages her too, she just can’t see it yet. She is reinforcing her relationship with you by taking your lead in the arguments. But this will leave her conflicted and further damage her relationship with her father.

She is in pain at 12. She is not the adult. She doesn’t have the maturity or resilience to deal with this and she never did. You, and yes her father, need to give her that now.

I know you don’t want therapy but maybe consider it for her. So she can understand what has happened and build her own resilience and confidence as a woman.

The school nurse suggested therapy for her but she declined it. As a family we were a loving one. I think that's what's hurting her the most. I don't think you're wrong about both of us finding replacements but she seems very well adjusted with mine and even with her father's. She's never said a bad thing about her, if anything she's been described as kind and nice. Her problem is her father. Something I know realise was partly my doing.

Ohh, for sake! I'll be blunt in my expression.
OP, I do not for a second believe you need "hand holding" and any opportunity to wallow in your misery ( which you are a co-author of ). Enough is enough. You mess up your own life entering a loveless ( you admit as much ) relationship, railroading "accidental" babies and marriage and now you are surprised it has all come to it's predictable conclusion. Sorry, but I'm not sorry that your ex chose to stop the "married sort-of friends with no intimacy together for the sake of the children" charade. If you choose to set up a shaky relationship ( yes, I know, his blame too), be prepared to for it to go bust.
But why, oh why to fuck up your daughters life too???! I'm sorry, but " I know I've made mistakes..." does not wash. Stop being an emotional abuser - because that's what you are.
I'm grateful my own mother was sane whilst going through an acrimonious split ( which I realised fully only once adult) with my heavy-drinking, heavy-gambling, womanising father. I was carefully guided, guarded from the worst and still encouraged to see my father for extended weekends and lovely cinema trips. My mother was going through hell, whilst I was having a seemingly normal childhood with separated parents. It's possible.
Start valuing the wellbeing of your children. Because you don't. And if you don't have the emotional maturity needed to deal with the break-up, then seek help and professional guidance.
Many posters here are guiding you tactfully, you are making some of the right noises, but I think you are miles away yet from taking serious responsibility for the outcomes for you and your daughter.
Grief/loss and being a dick is not mutually exclusive, so I do hope you get over this for the benefit of everyone involved.

I don't think anything of what I've done counts as emotional abuse. I still think exH is to blame for the poor relationship with her. If he had decided to just leave rather than cheat would have been easier. Cheating is a betrayal to the whole family unit.

*I still think ExH is to blame for the poor relationship with her
*
You instigated the poor relationship by allowing her to witness your hatred towards him. You are not blameless as far as that is concerned.

It was a very hard time. We tried to co-parenting when all I wanted him was to come back to me but refused. Any rejection towards me felt like rejecting the kids. I'm sure it felt that way. Yesterday I talked to her, and the anger is still very much alive. Nothing towards the OW she's ok with her, they even "talk" sometimes. I think that must be confusing for her too.