ExH is having a baby with OW

[Ginandunicorns]

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

I’m so sorry OP for your painful breakup. But I must admit I’m not sure I really understand why him having a baby with his new partner is the final straw or so very selfish. Surely it’s not such a surprising/unreasonable thing to happen? It reads a bit as if you are using your child and how this might impact her as an excuse to cover up the fact that it’s really you who is jealous about the situation and can’t deal with it.

Criticising a parent's child in front of the child is incredibly damaging to the relationship but also damaging to your child's self-esteem. You trying to win points against your ex with your daughter is hurting her. You should do what you can to encourage a positive relationship and leave the rest to him.

This child has nothing to do with you. Encourage your child to view it positively.

"I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay. "

But you didn't have to find someone else.

If he's a shit father to your kids then a baby probably won't change things either way!

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay.

How do you think your new partner would feel if he read that?

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay You say that like it’s a bad thing. Let’s face it he didn’t love you or he wouldn’t of left you for another women, so aren’t you glad your now with someone better? And no you didn’t ‘have’ to find someone, presumably you wanted to move on as you don’t need a man to survive.

He left over a year ago and his now having another baby (your children’s half sibling) You don’t have to like it but you paint it in a positive light to the children and that’s what’s best for them.

Not really sure what is so upsetting here to be honest, I mean he shagged someone else and left you for her but this is somehow a step too far?

You’ve moved on and are in a new relationship anyway

I'm not really sure about describing a baby as a "nail in the coffin".

He deserves to be happy as much as you do. Move on, you clearly are not really over it. Also, if a man said he was begging his wife to get sterilised - I can just imagine the outcry. Clearly he wanted more kids and you didn't. He hasn't wronged you, he's not even with you anymore!

OP, you have my sympathy, it must really sting, especially if he's lacking as a parent to the children he already has. I was relieved beyond measure that when ex-h left for OW he'd had the snip twice and indeed she was too old. I don't doubt she would have had a baby otherwise so desperate was she to hang onto him at any cost .

FWIW my ex is a shit parent to our DS, he always was and always will be. They do usually follow a pattern and quite frankly he is no loss to us. If you have a new partner, concentrate on him and especially your DD and perhaps explore the fact she might have suffered with the animosity between you. She should have a relationship with her father.

For those who rightly point out how damaging a bad relationship is between parents, I agree, except if you've been in my position with a poisonous, jealous, controlling OW who has stood firmly between my ex-h and I having any sort of co-parenting relationship. I have tried and tried and tried until I am blue in the face, even the court sent him on courses to learn how to effectively co-parent, a total waste of time and money. I have given up now and my DS knows his parents are totally estranged. I hate it, it's not what I wanted for him. However, I have no control or influence on a weak man and his malicious sidekick. It's not always black and white. I do however, encourage my son to have a good relationship with his father even if I do not.

It sucks when you are the one who did not want the relationship to end. I know. Moving on and being replaced hurts. You need to go low contact. I have nothing to do with ex between contact. And we message Information as needed. I'm of course civil at pick up/drop off. And do not slag him off to the children. Dd would love a sibling. And I have already laid the ground work that maybe dad and his gf will have a baby and she would make fab big sister.

I know when it happens and it will I will be upset. I'm sure that is only natural. I also know he did bugger all parenting and wish them the best of luck.

You are only human. And have feels. But you need to focus on you. Your dd and your new partner.

Wow @Ginandunicorns you were obviously, rightly hurt and angry but you have done a disservice to your dd. She never should have heard any of that.

Her hatred of her father stemmed from yours, it’s no wonder their relationship isn’t great! His actions are his fault, your actions are yours.

Calling a baby a “nail in the coffin” is particularly nasty.

And she’s not the OW anymore. She’s his partner and the mother of his child. She hasn’t acted well but her baby doesn’t deserve your mean-spiritedness, or your dd’s.

PLEASE do right by your dd and speak positively about her new brother/sister. Not for the ex, not for his partner, for her.

Aside from all of that, you didn’t have to find a new partner. You chose to move on. Your ex has, too.

With all due respect OP, you sound like my DHs ex. We don’t have a baby but she gets cross and upset whenever we do anything e.g. get married. I get that it’s upsetting but don’t allow yourself to dwell on it because your anger will make things hard for your DD. Just ignore what your ex is doing and enjoy your own life, it’s going to be great!

Your obviously ARENT over it, and your new partner hasn't got you out of the hole, your ex put you in. We ve mostly all been there, you meet someone think they are the love of your life, etc, etc. My DH s 1st wife, didn't want kids, went off with someone else and had a baby, but so did we, it happens.But you have to grit your teeth and do the very best for your DD.

How is it selfish for him to want more children? That is a strange way to look at it. Some people in relationships do want babies. Nail in the coffin is a very off expression too when we're talking about a brand new baby.

Your DD has been really affected by your hate bubble that comes across. Your focus now should be on supporting her. Sure if she sees her dad for the dickhead that he presumably is when she's much older than at least you know you've done your best to shield her when she's little.

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay. If he has barely made an effort to gain the trust of his existing children how can he dare to bring more to this world. This will alienate our DD even further from him, but that has been his choice.

You didn't Have to find someone else, you chose to. You make it sound like your new man is a consolation prize!
It will only alienate your daughter if you let it by bad mouthing your ex and his partner. That is not his choice, but yours.

She not prettier nor younger than me but that's irrelevant at this point.
But it is though, because that sentence alone screams jealousy.

I'm over it
See my last.

When he left me all I wanted is for him to breakup with her. I was in a hate bubble, my DD heard it all and she says she hates her DF and would be happier without seeing him.
This is why your daughter is reacting in the way that she is, due to your attitude.

I actually feel sorry for everyone concerned in this drama.
You're not helping either yourself or your daughter in all of this. Your ex has moved on, but however you dress it up it seems that you haven't. despite a new man in your life. You're carrying a grudge OP. Let the past go and get on with the future before it screws the heads of everyone involved up.

My marriage ended in Jan so I know how you feel. Please please stop slagging your exh off infront of your children. A split it's hard enough on them as it is without putting all your feelings in their heads as well.
I think you need to accept the baby is happening, it's a natural part of a relationship. I fully expect my ex to have more kids but it doesn't mean he loves his own kids any less.

Let him get on with it, the OW will just become the possum in this picture anyways! Be glad it isn't your problem anymore, because what he did to you is what he will do to her. People don't change really. It would be nice if your DDs can have a relationship with their sibling, so I would try to just be nice for their sakes.

I feel for you OP. My OW can't have children so I can only imagine the agony you're feeling. You'll get through it

Does it affect your maintenance payments from him?

Unfortunately, this shifting about and making mutiple families seem to be becoming the norm these days. Be there for your DCs and hold your head high.

So you alienated your daughter from her father by verbally abusing him either within her earshot or even more disturbing actually to her? That’s awful no matter how he wronged you, utterly disgraceful parenting.

This.

I don’t see why you have to civil to her, to him yes through gritted teeth, but why do you need to talk to her at all?

I get it. I've been there. You have to move on.

XH became a much better father when he was with OW, and my DCs gained a fantastic stepmum. DCs have a great relationship (mostly!) with all three of us.

You're being very unfair to your DCs and your DP. Don't let this define who you are.

I agree with snowball! You are a grown woman, feel free to be in a bubble of hate all you want but as an adult and parent it is your responsibility to put your dd BEFORE your own feelings! What you have done is parental alienation and you will live to regret it! You have ruined any relationship your little girl had with her Daddy and as a result you will have caused a lifetime of issues for your dd.

Your little girl should feel able to go and enjoy spending time with her Daddy, without feeling guilty because she knows you hate him and the ow. In your shoes, I would apologise to your dd for running her Daddy down, tell her you were very sad and angry and as a result you lashed out and wanted to hurt her Daddy because you were hurt. I would tell her that you know she loves her Daddy, and that you don’t need her to be angry at him for you and that you don’t want her to feel guilty for enjoying time with her Daddy and ow.

Tell her you want her to be happy and that her happiness is more important to you than anything! Tell her it’s ok to be excited about becoming a big sister and that you are happy for her, so she doesn’t need to pretend to hate her new sibling or ow or her Daddy to protect you.

I know It’s not fair OP, your ex is a first class bastard and his ow is too! Your ex is a coward and should have left you before jumping into bed with his OW. She doesn’t have the prize though, unless you call it the booby prize - she gets a partner who she knows has the morals of an alley cat and has already betrayed his wife and child to shag about with an ow! Their relationship has shaky foundations because there can be no trust- so bringing a new baby into their relationship is the equivalent of chucking a grenade between them and setting it off.

However, if you handle the situation carefully, there is no reason why a new baby should put nails in the coffin of your dd’s relationship with her Daddy. Not unless you want it to, or your ex wants it to. If you do want it to then ask yourself whether you are considering your daughter above your own anger. If your ex is a shit Dad then he will put the nails in his own coffin, although it can’t be easy to continue his relationship with his little girl, when you have turned her against him.

When he left me all I wanted is for him to breakup with her. I was in a hate bubble, my DD heard it all and she says she hates her DF and would be happier without seeing him.
That was probably a lot more damaging to your DC than the coming baby. But hey, the pregnancy gives you another excuse to pour poison in your child's ear.

I have no idea why you would be so nasty as to try to make someone have sterilisation when they didn't want it.
Luckily for him, he didn't and he's now happy.
Too bad!
Stop stalking their happiness and move on.

I’m not surprised you’re angry OP.

And as usual the mumsnet double standards are demonstrated. Apparently he can go off with another woman and start a new family, and his existing kids should happily embrace the idea of new siblings .

But women are meant to wait at least a year before bringing a new man in the scene.

I’ve seen this time and again - women getting slated for introducing a new boyfriend to their kids after just a few months, whilst men are allowed to get married and have kids after the same length of time, and the ex should accept it with a good grace!

Who has said anything about the timescale?