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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
Thornbirdsong · 05/04/2019 22:12

OP. I totally feel your pain. Why is it that men get to behave exactly how they want to, yet woman have to behave impeccably whilst their hearts are totally broken and their souls are destroyed?

The cheating spouse gets to shatter their whole family and the one left "holding the baby" must behave like a robot with a children's psychology degree. 😡😡

PaterPower · 05/04/2019 22:58

They don’t have to behave like a robot!

They have to behave like a fully functioning adult, aware that their children don’t need to be completely screwed up by being subjected to a steady drip drip drip of venom aimed at the absent parent.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 05/04/2019 22:59

It's impossible I know song. My DD feels so unloved atm, it's just one betrayal after another. This baby is not to be celebrated. I can be as neutral as I can but I simply cannot show any joy about it.

OP posts:
user14869556378 · 05/04/2019 23:13

I agree that him having a baby right now is actually selfish. He’s only just thrown his child’s world into chaos, the least he could’ve done was waited until she was settled and happy with the situation. And yes you may have slagged him off in front of her, you were going through one of the lowest points of your life. Right now all you can do is make her feel really really loved. Spend lots of time together just you two (without your new partner) and just do what you can to be positive about her father as much as it may hurt

LaughingCow99 · 05/04/2019 23:15

Your daughter is choosing to feel unloved, I'd point that out to her. Her father has made it clear he still loves her, hasn't he???

She could be looking for attention as well. It's hard for her, I understand that, but at some point she has to accept we are all entitled to live happy lives.

Parents split up all the time, people move on. She will be the one that loses out on her dad and half-sibling if she continues to hold onto her anger. From your posts it sounds like he was a good dad and stayed longer in the relationship for the children, longer than he should have.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 05/04/2019 23:26

She's an attention seeking seeker, I would think that's fairly accurate. Yes, her father is a good father and regardless of his terrible decisions he held it together for the children. Maybe it would have been better if he had left earlier, maybe then none of this would have happened, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 06/04/2019 08:55

The baby is going to be her brother or sister OP. She might not want to celebrate now but it will be her family forever. Is there a way of helping her realise that? Maybe you could go with her to pick out a little outfit? I know it will be really tough for you but I think your daughter really needs your support and permission to let her anger go.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 06/04/2019 15:07

I'd rather wait until that baby is born it's still early days. Hopefully this will.give her time to adjust, well both of us.

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/04/2019 08:13

Going shopping for something during the pregnancy would help otherwise its 9 months of this negative feeling. Even if it's just as small Teddy.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 07/04/2019 08:51

I just won't talk about it. That's the best I can do for now. She's always been closer to me than to him. Her behaviour seems normal from what I've read. I had a chat with her last night, she's struggling with both of us moving on so quickly especially after it hit me so hard initially. I truly don't know what's best. Everybody just says she'll come round but I've seen so many threads of adult children of cheating parents and the facts never seem to go away.

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/04/2019 09:14

By not talking about it though you're not giving her the opportunity to get her feelings out and come to terms with it all. You're just hiding it away but as said previously this baby is a sibling for her and will be there.

Surely talking to her and making it seem you're okay will help her?

The more you ignore it all and act like it isn't happening she is more likely to do the same.

zsazsajuju · 07/04/2019 09:26

My dad cheated when I was a child. I couldn’t really have cared - my parents were obviously unhappy. My mothers venom towards my df was what caused a lot of the issues.

Please don’t try to blame everyone but you. Do what you can to help your daughter have a good relationship with her df and siblings.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 07/04/2019 11:41

I am obviously not ok, it will take some time for this to settle.

Zsaz our DC and I were very oblivious that anything was wrong. As a family we worked, he even admits it. It was me who he couldn't live with. He was very good at keeping a happy face for everyone involved. That's why it's been so hard on my DD to her we were a very loving family.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 11:44

I think it’s key that she’s struggling with both of you moving on so quickly.

You’ve absolved yourself of all blame because he cheated. But you’ve done the same thing he’s done which is jump straight into a relationship, introducing your dc, and expecting them to be fine with it, ie putting your needs first.

The only major difference here is that you’re not pregnant.

Until you own your part in messing up your dc, you’ll keep damaging her.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 07/04/2019 13:51

Ivana I think she is. She's not vocal about it if she is, but it would make sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 07/04/2019 18:43

I've asked what she honestly thought of my DP and our relationship. She said she was happy for me. That she'd rather see me with him than angry and tearful night and day. that it was her DF who destroyed the family not me.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 18:55

But her preference I’m sure would have been a mum who wasn’t angry and crying all the time, regardless of whether there was a new man there or not.

I hope that she doesn’t end up thinking she needs a man to be happy now.

Livelovebehappy · 07/04/2019 19:08

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP. It’s absolutely devastating and rational behaviour goes out the window when you are betrayed like this. When it happened to me I knew I wasn’t behaving like a rational person and I knew how I should behave, but when you are so emotionally distressed you can’t function or think straight. It’s not something you ever get over quickly. Every new situation knocks you over; him leaving, then discovering other woman, then seeing them move in together, marriage or pregnancy. Each new event is like a punch in the stomach. Be kind to yourself, and just try to get your dd through the situation as best as you can manage.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 07/04/2019 21:51

Thank you for your kind words livelove it's been extremely hard for me. don't understand how others expect me to be able to distance myself from the situation and be neutral, almost positive.
It's expected that I should rose above it. O remover when I introduced my DC to my DP everyone was supportive, but then my exH used it as an excuse to introduce her into their lives. I was very against it but I was called a hypocrite by him. I kept telling him it was not the same but he was adamant it was.

In argument he just tries to turn it around, but it's not same. He made his choices I was just left on my own to start a new life with what I was left, something that wasn't my choice.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 22:23

It is the same. It’s the same because you both introduced new partners too soon and your daughter is paying the price.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 07:43

She's announced she won't spend Easter break with her dad. This might be a good way to trial it and see if things get better. Hopefully she'll miss him and ask to see him again.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 08/04/2019 08:15

I think parental alienation is now against the law (since 2018)
www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 08/04/2019 08:26

Of course it's the same. What's the difference between your partner being introduced and his?

You are approaching the line of alienation. Okay she doesn't want to visit over Easter but you should be telling her that going will be good not keeping her home.

catofaragon · 08/04/2019 09:00

I understand that you are hurting but you can't say that it's ok for you to introduce your new partner but it's not ok for your husband to do the same. Please don't try and alienate your child from her dad. It won't help in the long run and you say he is a good father.

werideatdawn · 08/04/2019 09:31

You are behaving a lot like my DH's mother did when her marriage broke up. We haven't seen her for over a year and she has no relationship with her grandchildren because he doesn't want them exposed to the vitriol and manipulation he was. DH has just spent the last few weeks watching his dad dying in a hospice and is even more angry with his mother for the alienation she created when he was younger. Tread carefully OP. You may have your kids "on side" now but their perspective may change.