ExH is having a baby with OW

[Ginandunicorns]

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

Thank you for those being kind to me. I call him my exH but Bury At Edmunds divorce unit has been so slow that legally we're still married. I don't consider him my husband at all and can't wait to be officially divorced. But part of me think he could at still have waited until he was legally free to do so.

He is legally free to have a child, just like you are to have a new partner. You may not see this but what is leaking out from you is that you are not just bitter but still possessive. Getting with a new partner isn’t how you deal with those things. If it was you wouldn’t still be focused on your ex.

To be frank your daughter has had a lot to contend with in the past year. It is time to think about her feelings. She must be confused as hell and is getting awful lessons in adult behaviour and relationships, from both of you.

Baby is innocent, but its parents are not. Unfortunately, it will (quite rightly) always be thought of as the product of an affair- how nauseating for it.

First of all, that's a shitty thing to say. It's quite right that a totally innocent child should be blamed for it's parents acts? Maybe wear a red letter on his/her first day at primary school?

Thankfully it's also totally incorrect. I have literally zero idea what the relationship status of any of my friends from primary school upwards has been. The wider world that this family come into won't know or won't care. How many of your neighbors do you ask 'so were you married when your child was conceived?'

The only way this kid will have that kind of stigma dumped on him/her is if the OP and DC decide to make a big deal out of it. I can't think of any other way it might impact this child's life.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a crap time of it OP.

I think it is hard not to feel a bit upset by this but how you act on it is so important for your DC.

I had various step and half siblings and it was really difficult feeling like I wasn’t allowed to properly form a relationship with them. I think the best way forward is just to try and support your DC as they might feel displaced or jealous -all normal.

I do echo other posters thinking it might be helpful for you to have some counselling. Sometimes a professional can really help.

Nannytothequeen spot on! Op accepts the mistakes she's made and is trying to rectify them.

Those of us that have actually been through this know how much it hurts and humiliates.

We know how it affects our kids too, to think or claim it doesn't is incredibly naive and disingenuous, not just the affair but seeing their dads start new families that they live with, spend far more time with, give more care to, invest more in not only in money but most hurtfully in time and love.

I have tried to support dd through all this, reassure her that her dad loves her (which I believe he does, but he does a really shit job of showing it!), that she is NOT unloveable. Yep they often feel that way, this is something I've discussed with people in real life who've had the same experiences and it really screws the kids up even if the dads are reliable on contact etc these kids still feel rejected, "less than" their half siblings, unwanted.

As a mother it's incredibly painful to see your child go through that, to question their value as people, to wonder if anyone will really love them romantically, to struggle to trust anyone romantically (because they know better than most how badly it can go wrong), hell even struggle to trust friendships not because they don't trust their friends but because one of the first people they should have been able to trust would always be there for them wasn't.

And I never see any of these dads acknowledge or take proper responsibility for any of this, they usually blame the mothers! The ones who HAVE stuck around, raised the child as best they can through all this, who've gone without so the kids don't, who've worried and soothed and comforted when that child has been let down yet again because being a fully present father was just inconvenient.

It's disgusting and generally speaking these men don't get anywhere near the vilification that single mothers do.

It hurts doesn't it. My divorce took over 5 years to be finalised. By that time my ex had had 2 more children with the OW. He's miserable as sin and still trying to destroy my life. He won't succeed as hasn't in the last 6 years but I'm happy and he isn't. He is particularly nasty and abusive so I take comfort in his unhappiness. Petty perhaps but he's brought it on himself.
Time heals, it really does. I'm the happiest I've ever been as a single mum of 3.
Your attitude to your new partner is awful though. You had to find someone? Sounds like his purpose is to show your ex that you're still desirable and that he's missing out on you and now someone else has taken his place. The bitterness will be toxic to your new relationship.

Thank you *graphista" that has been very helpful. DD has expressed that because her father didn't break up with her, she's felt he doesn't pay attention to her. I admit this si probably because for months o said that was the only way he could fix things.

Did a great long post and lost it!

My ex has been properly shit as a dad to dd, even with court hearings and judges basically telling him not to be a twat! He continues to mess with dds head, dips in and out of her life when it suits him, blocks then unblocks then blocks again on a whim (dd not me!), blames everyone but himself but mainly me.

Long story short I bent over backwards to keep him in dds life believing it to be the right thing and I now hugely regret that.

I wish I'd known of mn back then, as I suspect it would've been a case of others spotting that he didn't actually give a shit and was better left to disappear out of dds life.

He'd have claimed it was my fault but I'd have known it wasn't and dd would have had a chance to move on instead of being picked up and dropped regularly.

The affair hurt, but is the very least of all he's done. The worst is how he's messed up dd, blaming me then her for his inadequacies as a father.

With hindsight I think it would have been much better for dd if I'd just left him to it, not chased him/prompted/reminded him (what kind of father needs reminded of when their child's birthday is and how old they are?) he'd have likely vanished out of dds life before she was 5, And I honestly believe that would have been much better for her.

I know you've enough on your plate with this thread and real life op. But I can't shake the unease I felt when you posted upthread that your DP takes your 12yo daughter out alone. Please look closely at their relationship - just in case. Though I hate to say it.

It could be you've been so destroyed by the breakup your focus has been on that. Ime the kind of abuse I'm referring to flies under the radar, almost impossible to detect.

I hope I'm wrong of course.

I call him my exH but Bury At Edmunds divorce unit has been so slow that legally we're still married.

Bringing a child into the world while the father is still actually legally married to another woman speaks volumes about this couple.

The fact that she's also the woman they cheated on and he left tells your their calibre.

Upthread posters have said that nobody cares if a child's patents were married blah blah, nobody knows of judges. Not being married is one thing, being a cheater and the other woman, splitting up a family home and affecting children is another; anyone who knows that (and it's a small world, people know, people find out) may judge, and they'd be perfectly justified in doing so. They shouldn't judge the child but they will judge the parents. When I know affair partners are together and having a family, I can't help but wonder cynically if they'll get their come uppance sooner or later. People don't like or admire behaviour like that. Your reputation follows you around like a bad smell (unless you move to a new community and lie about the circumstances of your relationship).

*parents

• Knows or judges

I mean FFS, wait til you're actually divorced from the woman you cheated on and left before knocking up your new partner. Sane for you; use the fkg pill until 'your,' man is actually divorced from his wife, who you cheated in with him and whose family you both broke up.

Trashy.

*same for the woman

Ok I've not read all the posts but my ex was living with and buying a house with OW even before we'd started selling ours, he was then very pushy selling ours - I didn't know why at the time and did then he not help with ours at all. The fact that OPs can father a child so soon is despicable - unless people have been in a similar situation it's hard to realise the hurt and betrayal felt. Someone said they've moved on they're entitled to do what they like suggests a total misunderstanding of the situation. Yes theyve 'moved on' but it wasn't a mutual decision , how about showing respect for what they've left behind and have the decency to wait Until things are sorted before doing anything. Again mine seemed to take great pleasure in almost flaunting the fact he was going to posh restaurants, buying expensive gifts- while he was still living in the house. Just show some respect for how your ex feels. And OPs right - yes she's got someone new but she wouldn't have if her partner hadn't had an affair. It wasn't mutual.

The two previous posters are spot on, that's how I feel. It wasn't mutual and as much as I understand his reasons I was happy the way things were.

People don't like or admire behaviour like that. Your reputation follows you around like a bad smell (unless you move to a new community and lie about the circumstances of your relationship).

Most likely not, but new couples will go on to make new friends (as a couple) and fade out those that care/don't approve of what they did.

I do think if an affair couple go on to have a child, get married that as the years go on people become more accepting of it.

We never know what goes on in someone else's relationship. Cheating is never ok, but it happens. Assuming karma will come around is in a sense holding on to bitterness. Who does it hurt holding on to that? Not the affair couple who are living their lives.

You don't have to wait for karma but it is nice when you learn about it working.

In my case I didn't even need to learn 3rd hand totally - ex propositioned ME by text (how stupid!) the night before THEIR wedding.

I didn't respond but learned later (first from a mutual friend then ex) that it meant he spent their wedding day absolutely shitting himself I'd say something!

And I didn't have to do a thing.

I don't care about karma. Once I told on the street that I hoped he did the same to her, but I truly don't care I'm past that point.

LaughingCow, I’ve been married once, our children are grown, and we are still married.

I never accept cheaters into my social circle. It says something about their lack of character. I don’t judge their children, but am always standoffishly civil to the parents. I know from gossip I hear that other women feel the same way.

Halo84, fair enough, but you clearly can't speak for everyone. Sadly, infidelity happens a lot. Many cheaters go on to live happy and fulfilling lives with their partners and this includes raising children.

I've never heard anyone say they don't include cheaters in their social circles, that's just my experience.

Shaggers are looked hard askance at. People may be crisply polite to their faces, but will be harsh but fair behind their backs.

Shaggers are looked hard askance at. People may be crisply polite to their faces, but will be harsh but fair behind their backs.

So harsh, it needed saying twice, apparently.

Shaggers are looked hard askance at. People may be crisply polite to their faces, but will be harsh but fair behind their backs

Not amongst my friends. I can imagine maybe in really religious circles.

You can't say what people do like you know everyone's reaction.

I really don't think most people care that much about other people's relationships. I doubt the op's ex's friends and their partners are not going to accept his new partner. Friends stick together, certainly male friends. Their loyalty is most likely their friend, not op. Just as Op's friends will be loyal to her