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Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 10:20

I can admit there's hate, but there's no manipulation. I've never manipulated her apart from the very early months when I inadvertently convinced her that the only way to fix all the damage cause was for him to be on his own.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2019 12:04

That poor girl, sounds like she is so confused. Also sounds like you rushed into a new relationship an was quite quick to introduce them. You cant have a go at your ex doing the same.

LaughingCow99 · 08/04/2019 13:31

I've never manipulated her apart from the very early months when I inadvertently convinced her that the only way to fix all the damage cause was for him to be on his own

I'm sorry, but what were you thinking? This man married you despite not really wanting to, he stayed for years for the sake of his kids till he met someone he loved.

He is allowed to leave a marriage.

It sounds like you'd be quite happy for him to have stayed with you and be miserable just so you don't have to be 'alone'.

He was right to leave.

Do you think telling your daughter her dad should be single forever as punishment for leaving you was going to somehow make things OK for her?

You really have played a big role in the breakdown of the relationship between her and her dad. You need to accept that and talk to your daughter. You have involved her in your pain and that is so wrong.

Ate you afraid you will lose her to her 'other family'?

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 14:42

I still think if he hadn't met her he would eventually have left, but possibly once the children had left too.

Maybe not for the right reasons but he would have stayed and children would never had experience this heartbreak.

There was simply no reason to cheat. He could have tried to work on it, or maybe leave but instead decided to cheat because he "fell in love".

OP posts:
HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 08/04/2019 15:52

The more you comment the more I feel for your daughter. Her father isn’t the one causing problems, you are. You can’t even pretend to have the tiniest amount of joy at her having a new sibling for your daughters sake. She can’t be happy about a baby because you refuse to talk about it and only speak negatively. Your daughter feels responsible for your emotions and that sickens me. You are emotionally abusing her. I had a mum do the same and having to tip toe around her and only making her happy with what I say etc was hell to live through. You need to grow up and put the hatred aside and get on with things for your daughters sake. At the moment, everything she feels about her father is down to how you feel and her thinking she has to feel how you do to make you happy.

HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 08/04/2019 15:55

Your solution for everything seems to be insisting that him staying for the kids, even if he couldn’t stand you. That’s ridiculous that’s not how dealing with things works. Shit happens and you find a way around it, you aren’t doing that. He didn’t love you, staying for the kids sake would have been worse. He went the wrong way about it and is a dick for cheating but you aren’t together now and he is still with the other woman, they are having a child and you also have another partner, it’s time to start acting like it instead of hoping he comes back and blaming every bad thing that happens on him leaving you.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 16:43

They are being selfish. I still don't understand how he dares to have another child when his relationship with his existing children is so dysfunctional. They could have waited. All I hear is "it would have made no difference". I want them to have a relationship but he makes it very hard.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 08/04/2019 17:54

Well, how dare you bring another man into their lives when their father had just left?

How dare you say unforgivable things about their father in front of them?

How dare you lie to them and say things would have been better if he’d stayed single?

How dare you sit back and allow your family to denigrate their father within their earshot?

Do you see? You’ve both done wrong and until you accept that your bitterness will continue to filter down into your children.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 08/04/2019 17:56

I feel sorry for your daughter. I honestly think she'd be happier and have a chance of normal parental relationships living with the dad.

You're clearly very bitter towards your ex and have infected your daughters view of him because of it.

LaughingCow99 · 08/04/2019 18:46

They are being selfish. I still don't understand how he dares to have another child when his relationship with his existing children is so dysfunctional. They could have waited

You are selfish expecting him to stay in an unhappy marriage for his kids. They would have been far more accepting of him moving on if you hadn't tried to manipulate them into hating him, because you wanted to hurt HIM.

eve34 · 08/04/2019 19:10

@Ginandunicorns

I do Understand how you feel. Ex left me for new gf jan last year. Although we weren't in a good place I had hoped we would swing it back round.

He moved straight in with ow and the children were going eow sleeping on their bedroom floor

I hated everything about it. But never let on to the children. I would say I was sad and that I missed ex. But whenever they struggled I tell them he loves and misses them and I am so lucky I get to see them so much he has 4 days a month ( his choice)

I have spoken openly about gf. Said it's lovely they have so many grown ups that care about them and that dd might be a big sister one day (which she would love). I hope I have laid the way for them to feel ok about talking about ex etc.

Although he has done some shitty things and I can no longer bring myself to speak to him above hellos etc. Incase a torrent of abuse comes out of my mouth. Something I hope will lessen in time.

Sadly eldest dc has decided to go nc. Of his own choice. And every two weeks I give him the opportunity to just come and see dad. As he must be really missing him. Etc

I'm far from perfect. He hurt me more than anything I have ever experienced. But I'm trying my best. And hope in time I too can meet someone else who can make the children and I happy.

Try and count your blessings and let go. I had some counselling it helped me put things in prospective. I can live my life angry and mad. Or I can keep trying to rise above it and see joy where I can. Baby steps.

LaughingCow99 · 08/04/2019 19:48

I admire you, eve34 That was really difficult to do and no doubt still is. My mother did similar when she split with my dad. She never badmouthed him to us and tried to make us take sides. I still admire her for this despite the way he treated her (withholding maintenance among many other awful things).

DarlingEm · 08/04/2019 20:10

Ffs... His relationship with his children is so dysfunctional because you and your family (who doubtless your children love and are influenced by) roundly condemned and slated him in front of them. You allowed your kids to hear things no child should hear about a parent.

Everytime you post your bitterness and anger comes across. You think only for yourself and YOUR hurt feelings. Your daughter is the real victim here. It’s not her fault her parents marriage didn’t work, yet she is the one paying the price. She must be so messed up. Kids need their fathers too, you’ve even said that he was a great dad. That needn’t stop just because he doesn’t want you anymore!

I would suggest you get some counselling for yourself to try and come to terms with things, and more importantly for your daughter to talk through her feelings. Maybe counselling for her and her father together to try and repair their relationship. Put her first OP and stop focusing on your grievances.

Parental alienation (and this is exactly what you have done here) is awful for the child and the repercussions are long lasting and damaging. You’d do well to read up on it and start doing everything in your power to make things better before it’s too late.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 20:20

Eve I take my hat off. I wish I had such composure, unfortunately it wasn't the case. I did stop him from meeting her almost nine months or there abouts.
I haven't said a negative think since my red mist lifted, that is until now.
I do think it should be DDs choice to see her dad. They get to spend a third of the time.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 08/04/2019 20:25

I did stop him from meeting her almost nine months or there abouts.

Who is her? Your daughter or the OW?

SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2019 20:38

I don't believe you are over this in the slightest and your daughter is paying for it

LemonTT · 08/04/2019 21:05

I really can't put my finger on it but you don't seem to identify with anything except from the perspective of your own needs and feelings. In all of the posts about your daughter you default to how you feel and dismiss, rather ignore, her needs and wants. It is quite strange and i would almost say that it is almost like she doesn't exist in this for you but is a useful way to extend your injury and bitterness

TBH I am just waiting for you to post that you too are now pregnant without irony or affection. Although I expect you would be angry at the thought of the OW stealing the baby name.

eve34 · 08/04/2019 21:25

@Ginandunicorns and @LaughingCow99 Thank you. I don't always get it right. I too had my mum set me a good example. My dad lived miles away. So she always welcomed him into the house and had a cup of tea together. Different times as she had no phone etc. So communication must of been very difficult.

There isn't a hurt like it. When the person who you thought had your back leaves you. I loved him. With all his faults. I truly hope the children look back and remember it being 'ok'. I would hate for them to feel conflicted. And I know I need to try harder moving forward. But right now some of his actions are unforgivable in my eyes.

Although 40 years on at my sister wedding my mother completely blanked my father.

I second counselling for you to have a safe place to work things through and for your dd. My eldest got support through school and I hope he feels supported. I know he has been so worried about me. I can't always keep the brave face up.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 21:47

It is because I know I partially caused it by not being a "good" mother. Instead I took solace in knowing that my friends and family had my back. In knowing that I wasn't making their lives any easier. I hoped that by making him choose, he'd ultimately choose his children. He didn't and I made it obvious to them that he didn't. What's done is done. She does get counseling at school she doesn't think it helps but encourage her to keep going, just as I encourage her he should see her dad. As I've mentioned I haven't said a negative thing about them for more than 6 months, but the damage is done.

I simply can't go and celebrate this baby. They're being selfish and his reasons hurt not as much but still do.

I've told her dad will always be her dad, I wish I could turn back time bit all I can do is reassure her he loves him even if we both agree by his actions (i.e. having a baby) that it doesn't seem that way.

OP posts:
HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 08/04/2019 22:03

What do you mean he didn’t choose his children? I think you mean he didn’t choose you. Just because he split with you doesn’t mean he wants to abandon his kids. You caused her feelings about her father, you, your family and no one else.

HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 08/04/2019 22:04

You literally told your daughter that he doesn’t love her because he is having another baby. I’m sorry but you don’t care about her feelings, only your own. I feel sorry for her and I hope as she gets older she sees what you did and doesn’t turn out bitter like yourself.

SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2019 22:12

Are you actually being fucking serious that you made clear to your children that he didn't choose them?!?!

Your poor children !!

You have lost any little ounce of sympathy I may have had

That is disgusting

DarlingEm · 08/04/2019 22:23

OP - get some help. Seriously.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 08/04/2019 23:36

Yes, I did and I regret it. Obviously I've told them since that was not the case and was angry.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 08/04/2019 23:49

OP. You keep talking about your feelings. What did your children feel then and now ? Don’t go on what they tell you because your behaviour and their fathers behaviour means they cannot be open and honest.

You have very little insight and I fear interest in their real feelings and what is best for them. Which means you are probably back in anger fog.

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