Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 28/03/2019 12:23

I understand how you feel, but he is entitled to move on (as you have done.)

Are you concerned your DC are going to get ignored in favour of the new baby?

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:36

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay. If he has barely made an effort to gain the trust of his existing children how can he dare to bring more to this world. This will alienate our DD even further from him, but that has been his choice.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 28/03/2019 12:36

I understand, OP. It's the utter disrespect for you/the kids and the sheer finality of the destruction of your family.

Also the fact that is totally galling to know you had kids with such a prick. Been there. Flowers

AFPH123 · 28/03/2019 12:54

It’s not great but not much you can do other than be angry! Some men just think with their dicks and don’t think about anything else.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 28/03/2019 12:57

Not much you can do. Leave him to it. He'll have his hands very full soon enough. I'd be willing to bet that deep down he's not keen on having another family at all, just that the ow wanted it.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 13:09

I believe he does want this baby. I asked him a million times to get the snip and always refused to. They both live in some fantasy world that there were "meant to be". She not prettier nor younger than me but that's irrelevant at this point.

OP posts:
snowball28 · 28/03/2019 13:35

It’s not wrong or disrespectful for him to move on and start a family with his partner, the fact he left you doesn’t factor into anything.

You’ve moved on with someone else is he not allowed to do the same?

Are you worried your DD will be left out in favour of the new baby? That’s a legitimate concern but unfortunately not much you can really do about it until it happens (which it might not) you can however ask to have a chat with him about your concerns and how you want to make sure his first child is a priority still also.

KylieKoKo · 28/03/2019 14:12

I think your reaction to this will shape how your children feel about it. Please don't sow the seed in their no sa that this baby is a bad thing.

KylieKoKo · 28/03/2019 14:13

That should say seed in their minds.

LemonTT · 28/03/2019 14:17

I’m sorry this is hurting and the new baby must sting. However I am not sure you get a say in the matter other than to the extent that it impacts on contact arrangements. I can see why that hurts too and could make you angry. But the baby will be a sibling of your children. They deserve a relationship as siblings which is free from the acrimony caused by your ex and his partner. So maybe it’s time to start seeing them as a couple rather than ex and ow.

I do also think you are maybe not ready for another relationship. Saying you had to find a replacement and comparing yourself to the OW suggest you haven’t moved on and aren’t over your ex. Anger won’t help you I’m afraid. It’s rarely a good emotion to feel and act on.

Moving on isn’t about finding someone else or having a baby.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 14:30

I'm over it, I wasn't able to say her name and now I can say hello and be civil. When he left me all I wanted is for him to breakup with her. I was in a hate bubble, my DD heard it all and she says she hates her DF and would be happier without seeing him. He doesn't make much of an effort either. The lifestyle of the "new" family is different to what they're used to and it's proving hard for her to adapt. This new baby is the last nail in the coffin he can expect to build new bridges when he's burnt over and over again anything that was left.

OP posts:
forestafantastica · 28/03/2019 15:04

Your poor DD! Of course she says she hates her DF if she's been caught up in your 'hate bubble'.

I think this might be a good opportunity for you all to build bridges, however. This shouldn't really be about the adults in this situation - it's about giving these two children the chance to have a sibling relationship which both of them deserve.

RatherBeRiding · 28/03/2019 15:13

I'd leave him and OW to it. You can't be responsible for building bridges all on your own - if your DC's father wants to make the effort then welcome that effort for your DC's sake but you can't be the sole driver of a better relationship.

I get the feeling that your worry is that your ex's already poor relationship with his children will get worse with the excitement of making a shiny new family. You say that you've done your best to support a relationship between him and the DC - all you can do is continue to do that and the rest is up to him.

It's a shame that your hate bubble appears to have impacted on your DD's wish to see her father but now that things have calmed down again I think all you can do is continue to be civil and supportive as far as you can and let your ex do the running as far as your children are concerned - if he doesn't want to, then there's nothing you can do and the children will see this for themselves soon enough.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 28/03/2019 15:23

I believe he does want this baby. I asked him a million times to get the snip and always refused to. They both live in some fantasy world that there were "meant to be". She not prettier nor younger than me but that's irrelevant at this point.

This post implies to me that he wanted more children and you didn’t. For some people, and I’m not saying it is right to break up a family over this, it is a justifiable reason to leave a relationship and start another one. Maybe that is what has happened here and you are right; her age and looks are irrelevant.

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 15:29

Bugger him, you've moved on too. I wouldn't even be civil to him, I just wouldn't have anything more to do with him. If your kids over the age of 7 or 8, any necessary communication like 'where am I staying this week mum?' can be done through a convo with the kid. Like the kid can phone their dad and be like 'mum says im with you this weekend' blah. Unless there's some emergency I would literally have no communication with him.

LaughingCow99 · 28/03/2019 15:31

I'd be willing to bet that deep down he's not keen on having another family at all, just that the ow wanted it.

What is that based on???

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/03/2019 15:32

I think it's selfish and irresponsible to have more kids if you are a shit parent to the ones you already have. Kids need a lot of time to adapt to the new 'normal'. That should be sorted before anyone goes on to have more babies.

362537475z · 28/03/2019 15:37

@teaforthewin great parenting skills!!! Put the children in the middle of the hostilities and so you don’t have to deal with it???

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 15:43

Why would it be hostileness? If you are no longer having anything to do with one another, there isn't any chance to be hostile lol.

forestafantastica · 28/03/2019 15:43

great parenting skills!!! Put the children in the middle of the hostilities and so you don’t have to deal with it???

Agreed. The poor DC have already been asked to absorb way too much of the adult emotions around this break up already.

forestafantastica · 28/03/2019 15:45

TeaForTheWin - one of my closest friends was raised your way - her parents went through an acrimonious break up and didn't speak to each other. Her childhood was spent passing messages, carrying her clothes in a rucksack as she was shuffled between their houses, constantly upset routine depending on which parent wanted to make a point that day.

She now talks to neither parent. She's quite clear that having to act as a go-between for her parents, and basically provide a buffer for their issues with each other was deeply damaging.

happyhillock · 28/03/2019 15:50

My ex had another three children to OW, guess who's happier, you have a new partner get on with your own life.

Baby1onboard11 · 28/03/2019 15:50

@tea I was that kid, and it’s hell. As a teenager when contact is down to you then yes it’s the right approach. At 7 or 8 it’s a disgusting position to put a child in.

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 15:52

Of course it would, if they were discussing 'their' issues. Im not saying she should be a go between. I'm saying, hmm how to describe......I don't expect to be friends with my childs friends, they aren't my friends, they are hers. So I wouldn't have much to do with them. It's the same thing. Pretending to be buddies with your ex to keep your kid happy is totally unnecessary. They can have people in their life that aren't in mine. Of course in the case of some emergency to do with the child I would get involved but otherwise I'd leave them to it.

snowball28 · 28/03/2019 15:55

So you alienated your daughter from her father by verbally abusing him either within her earshot or even more disturbing actually to her?

That’s awful no matter how he wronged you, utterly disgraceful parenting.