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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 17:33

I was angry and I regret what I did. I do everything within my reach to nurture their relationship.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 17:42

So you did do it on purpose then.

And now you’re saying really quite mean things about an unborn baby...

You haven’t been very nice about your partner, either. Like he’s a consolation prize you had to take to “pull you out of the hole” your ex put you in...

Mintychoc1 · 28/03/2019 17:44

Second sentence, original post. Ex left last year.

TacoLover · 28/03/2019 17:50

Yeah I agree with the PP saying that what you did is more damaging then her getting a new sibling.

Pretty hypocritical of you to say the dad is selfish for having a new baby because he hasn't built trust with his kids when you're the one who slagged him off to them on purposeHmmfucking awful parenting.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 17:59

It was not on purpose. I was in shock, sad, angry and terrified. I wouldn't talk about anything else for months. My family and I would openly talk about how much we hated them, and yes children were around. I was fixated that the only way to fix things was for them to break up. Eventually my anger went away thanks to the support and love of my DP. He's fantastic with the DC too.

OP posts:
DarlingEm · 28/03/2019 18:03

I was in a hate bubble, my DD heard it all and she says she hates her DF and would be happier without seeing him.

Awful. You lost any sympathy from me at this point. It is unforgivable to have done this to your daughter. It’s called parental alienation and the damage done to vulnerable children is lasting and real.

Please stop acting out your hurt and anger in front of your kids. You are hurting them more than anybody. Did you feel validated when your little girl said she hated her father? They aren’t ‘prizes’ to be won - they are little people and deserve a relationship with both their parents. AND their sibling when they are born. Please put them first.

RomanyQueen1 · 28/03/2019 18:18

Yeah, it's surprising how soon most men move on after having ow.
It's good in a way because she now has to wonder whether he'll cheat on her. I bet she's shitting it.

Skyejuly · 28/03/2019 18:19

I could have wrote this 2yrs ago
The feeling settled and no longer feels that odd x

RomanyQueen1 · 28/03/2019 18:21

All those saying OP is bad parent, the only bad parents are those that break up their family, for whatever reason.
Have not met a person from a broken home yet who isn't affected in later life.
Men shouldn't get married unless they intend to keep it in their pants.
Women shouldn't settle for a man who already has a family and chooses to sleep around/ find ow.
There are a lot of bad parents about.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:23

Minty I meant who here mentioned that he was fine to settle so quickly with her, or that OP wasn't waiting long enough?

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:23

My family and I would openly talk about how much we hated them, and yes children were around.

Well then you all let her down. Have you ever told her that was wrong?

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 18:27

Yes, of course. I've said I was consumed in anger and that her father will always be her father.

OP posts:
PragmaticPants · 28/03/2019 18:28

Now OW will be waiting for him to cheat on her...

SelkieRinnNaMara · 28/03/2019 18:29

You've had a hard time on this thread IMO, this is all SO recent. People reprimanding you for being caught up in what you describe as a 'hate bubble'' well, your H left you for another woman, your daughter was going to notice his absence and notice your pain and also feel her own!! So it's not as though your daughter would have been merrily skipping through fields of daisies after her father moved out if only you had managed to swallow back down your own pain.

I found that sometimes things that caused a lot of pain in a sudden instant, like so much pain that you nearly choke, they do move you on to the next stage of acceptance so although you're in shock now, this shock might be what helps you feel more at peace soon.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 18:29

Well that’s good.

You need to be so careful not to show your negativity about this pregnancy. It’s just not fair to dd.

choli · 28/03/2019 18:34

Men shouldn't get married unless they intend to keep it in their pants.
Women shouldn't settle for a man who already has a family and chooses to sleep around/ find ow.
There are a lot of bad parents about.
Women should be extremely careful when choosing with whom to procreate.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 19:02

Sometimes kids hear things they shouldn't. The hurt and trauma of infidelity is debilitating for many people and they lose control while under the stress.

OP.... it's really not your job to facilitate their relationship. Your Ex should step up and do that himself.

Love, support and make your DD feel safe... that's the best any parent can do.

A young OW would likely have wanted kids at some point, so it's hardly surprising.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 19:10

She's older than me and already ahs children

OP posts:
HelloImStressed · 28/03/2019 19:19

And as usual the mumsnet double standards are demonstrated

I think the point is, this woman is having a baby. Whether we agree with what OPs ex and she did, it's happening. And so surely the best thing for OPs daughter in this situation is to have it turned into a positive experience for her.

Being negative and dismissive of this new baby will not change the fact. It will only cause OPs DDs relationship with her father to be worse. If OP puts aside her own feelings and tries to encourage her DD to see this more positively then it will be more beneficial to her in the long run.

It's not about whether we agree , it's about what is right for the children in a situation we can't control.

Mintychoc1 · 28/03/2019 19:20

ivana no one in this thread, but it’s a recurring theme on mumsnet

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/03/2019 19:21

I'm going to point out that it is really fucking hard to keep a lid on all your emotion and be a good parent and keep all the anger away from the DC when the person you trust most in the entire world, lies and cheats and leaves with somebody else. The criticism of bring a bad parent should be aimed at the person who left their family, and expected their child to get used to OW and now a new baby in what is a short space of time. They should be the ones going all out to preserve the parental relationship.
I'm sure the OP did her best, when she was in pain and trying to come to terms with it all herself. Okay, what she did wasn't right, but at least she was there and trying. People aren't always perfect, they mess up. But bring in her place is really difficult.

And she doesn't have to just accept ow as her ex's partner. For the OP, she will likelyalways think of her as the ow. And it's the father's job to build the sibling relationship, not hers.

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 19:37

ivana no one in this thread, but it’s a recurring theme on mumsnet

Right, so not relevant to this particular thread then?

IWanna absolutely agree that dad is to blame here but that doesn’t mean there isn’t blame to share. OP is only responsible for her actions and how she is impacting the emotional well-being of her child.

She can hate the OW forever, and hate that she’s pregnant. But it is grossly unfair to do so in front of a child caught in the middle.

As adults we just have to suck it up sometimes to protect the children involved.

snowball28 · 28/03/2019 19:54

You've had a hard time on this thread IMO, this is all SO recent. People reprimanding you for being caught up in what you describe as a 'hate bubble'' well, your H left you for another woman, your daughter was going to notice his absence and notice your pain and also feel her own!! So it's not as though your daughter would have been merrily skipping through fields of daisies after her father moved out if only you had managed to swallow back down your own pain.

Absolutely no one has reprimanded her for hurting, being in pain and wallowing in it (which is normal human emotive behaviour and healthy) rather quite rightly pointed out she shouldn’t of allowed or participated in this around her impressionable child nor should she of used her child as an emotional crutch or sounding board for her frustrations. It’s completely unfair on the child and the repurcussions are clear said child is now completely alienated from her father when really that never had to happen.

choli · 28/03/2019 20:19

I don't know if the daughter is completely alienated from her father. I think she feels unable to express any positive feelings about him in front of her mother in case it turns her mother against her for being disloyal.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 20:37

She's older than me and already has children

Good luck to the both of them...neither of who are a prize.

Infidelity is painful and it's not always as easy as sucking it up as has been said on this thread.

You don't deserve some of the comments.