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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
Graphista · 29/03/2019 21:18

But you've admitted they've fed into your anger and hurt rather than dissipating it.

I'm sure they thought they were being supportive but honestly agreeing with you isn't always the right thing.

A therapist being more objective will help you deal with things more healthily

IvanaPee · 29/03/2019 21:32

Your friends and family:

Joined in your diatribe against your ex in full hearing of your children. Whilst you might have been excused as emotional, they can’t be.

They attacked this woman in the street.

You need real help, because all they’ve done is fuel your hate and anger to the detriment of your children. I’m sure not maliciously but that’s what’s happened.

zsazsajuju · 29/03/2019 21:36

Op it sounds like you are addressing the issues you had with badmouthing your ex to your dd. I would say that’s fantastic- as a daughter of a mother who was was utterly hateful to my (cheating) father, it was horrible. There’s a lot to be said for being the bigger person and being a good parent. Remember you’re doing it for your daughter not him.

SummerDog · 29/03/2019 21:45

You need help OP. Your friends and family didn't help you. They stood by at best and at worst were a part in traumatising your children. You've made this impossible for your older child. And it's her you've hurt not your ex-DH who honestly sounds like he had a lucky escape. For the sake of your kids you need a therapist to work through all this with.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 29/03/2019 22:55

I don't think I have said anything bad about him for quite a few months. I always encourage my DC to visit him. I know I harmed them. I'm almost certain my DD feels like she'd betraying me if she's happy. But like I've mentioned I don't think he makes as much effort as he used to or maybe I nagged him into it I second guess myself all the time nowadays. I also know that potentially nurturing the relationship with my DP could have made it worse. My DC will compare the two inevitably. I know she keeps her distance and isn't as involved, could be out of fear or respect. Apart from the cheating she's proven to be a decent human being and quite resilient too. From the little my DC talk about what happens in that house it's obvious she has the love he never had for me. As much as it hurts it has helped me heal and made me see his "rewriting" is closer to a truth I was too blind and stubborn to see.

OP posts:
OKBobble · 30/03/2019 07:45

But there is still an underlying issue if there is so much vitriole directed at them having a child together. I do think professional counselling would help you more than family/friends saying what you want to hear and causing a situation where your kids are not allowed to be excited about a new baby sibling or at least be treadingnon eggshells around you in that regard.

If there truly was no issue and you had moved on you wouldn't have started this thread and made further comments justifying your actions.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 30/03/2019 14:28

I don't want him back, in that way I've moved on. For many months all I wanted was for him to admit he'd made a mistake and come back to me. But I don't feel that way anymore.

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/03/2019 14:30

You haven't moved on. If you're this vocal about him having a baby with someone else then clearly there is something there on your end.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 30/03/2019 17:27

I think it's natural to feel uncomfortable about this. DD just texted saying how much she really want to come home. She's bored and doesn't feel like joining the "family" activities. My concern is things will only get worse for her after this baby is born.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 30/03/2019 18:16

Is this a reverse when you are actually the OW?

LaughingCow99 · 30/03/2019 18:24

Your daughter will have to adjust to the new baby. It's on the way, not much else she can do. Well, she could refuse to see her dad I suppose. She may enjoy being a big sister as well.

cuppycakey · 30/03/2019 18:24

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay. If he has barely made an effort to gain the trust of his existing children how can he dare to bring more to this world. This will alienate our DD even further from him, but that has been his choice.

You sound incredibly bitter and as though your new DP is just some kind of stopgap because you cannot bear to be without a partner.

Why would a new baby alienate your DC ? I have half siblings. I love them very much.

I have absolutely no contact with my DM because of the toxic nasty way she behaved after my father left her.

You need to take a step back and understand that you are damaging your DC. Their father having a new baby should be something celebrated by your DC. I agree with PP - you need more counselling.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/03/2019 18:51

I wouldn't have had to find someone else if he had decided to stay.

This is a huge problem though isn’t it? People unable to contemplate life without a partner and bouncing from one to the next in desperation, dragging their poor traumatised children in their wake. ☹️

AmyFl · 30/03/2019 20:42

Their father having a new baby it should absolutely NOT be celebrated, that new baby is the product of an affair. It's a disgusting situation.

LaughingCow99 · 30/03/2019 20:56

The baby is an innocent step-sibling. DC should feel free to celebrate this if she wants, but I fear she will be told otherwise

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/03/2019 21:13

Their father having a new baby it should absolutely NOT be celebrated, that new baby is the product of an affair. It's a disgusting situation

Well it's not an affair now is it?

FWIW I have two younger half brothers who are the product of an affair by your logic. I was 12 and 13 when they were born and they were absolutely my world. They're grown ups now (supposedly) and I couldn't love them any more. My mum had to sit through about 1,000 photos of them a month or something and was always supportive of our relationship.

AmyFl · 30/03/2019 21:14

Baby is innocent, but its parents are not. Unfortunately, it will (quite rightly) always be thought of as the product of an affair- how nauseating for it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/03/2019 21:17

Unfortunately, it will (quite rightly) always be thought of as the product of an affair

No it really won't. In fact now I read you message I realise I was a product of an affair, in so far as my dad was married when he met my mum. Dad's relationships always overlap. I don't think anyone has ever described me as the product of an affair and I don't feel remotely nauseated by any of it. My parents were married when I was conceived, not that that makes any odds.

From what I know of my friends' parents I would say the same was true for maybe 1/3 or 1/2 of us. Maybe there was just a lot of extramarital shagging in the 80s I don't know.

Blewbird · 30/03/2019 21:19

@AmyFl only to the bitter and twisted. That baby is a new life wanted by both parents. Spewing hatred onto a baby is vile.

LaughingCow99 · 30/03/2019 21:19

Baby is innocent, but its parents are not. Unfortunately, it will (quite rightly) always be thought of as the product of an affair- how nauseating for it

By who, the op and her family/friends? I doubt the ex and his partner care about that.

"It" will hopefully have two parents that love him/her unconditionally.

Was the baby conceived after the ex left the op? Sounds like baby came along well after the op's relationship broke down.

AmyFl · 30/03/2019 21:22

I didn't mean to get personal about you, I have seen your username and I apologise- I'm sure you've enough to deal with.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/03/2019 21:28

Oh Amy thank you but I know don't worry! You wouldn't have known. My parents divorced 30 years ago so I had forgotten how they met until I read your post. If I didn't realise that applied to me I'm not sure how you could Grin

Nothing taken personally at all. It just goes to show how much opinions on this stuff vary, for millions of reasons.

RhymingRabbit · 31/03/2019 02:29

@AmyFl "nauseating"? Please expand... I'd like to know why you think any child born is nauseating.

MrsPworkingmummy · 31/03/2019 03:21

@AmyFI absolutely disgusting attitude. I'm sure if it wasn't for the bitter ex bleating on about it to 'remind' everyone, no one would know a child was a product of an affair.

nannytothequeen · 31/03/2019 06:27

I think you seem to be doing well OP. Sure you've made mistakes from a place of hurt but you're reflecting on these and looking to fix them. The baby thing is a bump in the road and your only role is to help your children be positive about their new sibling. All of these people lobbing stones at you clearly have not experienced this kind of hurt snd humiliation. You were never going to move on overnight. There were always mistakes likely to be made. It's all a process. As for the bitter accusations, I suspect most people using this word have no clue. It's understandable to feel bitter, just try not to act it and one day the feelings will be gone.

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