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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH is having a baby with OW

291 replies

Ginandunicorns · 28/03/2019 12:17

Long time lurker and currently at a loss. ExH left me for OW last year. I used to hate them both but the anger has gone away partly because I have met a wonderful man who has helped get out of the hole my exH left me in. His relationship with our DC is not the best and now he's announced they're having a baby! I have tried to support him as much as I can for the DC, but they're being incredibly selfish and this is my limit.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 20:41

@SandyY2K you’ve either deliberately taken what I said out of contest, or you didn’t grasp it. Not sure which is worse.

Halo84 · 28/03/2019 20:49

It’s up to the ex, not the OP to nurture a relationship with his children.

HelloImStressed · 28/03/2019 21:30

It’s up to the ex, not the OP to nurture a relationship with his children

It is up to OP not to talk negatively about her ex in front of her young DC though, as difficult as that may be.

Halo84 · 29/03/2019 02:12

She said she regrets that. She can’t change the past, so berating her about it is not helpful.

DarlingEm · 29/03/2019 07:06

t’s up to the ex, not the OP to nurture a relationship with his children.

Very simplistic to say this after he has been rubbished to the extent the daughter says she doesn’t want to see him. They live with their mum. They are hugely influenced by herr, more than any other person in their lives. She has to try and undo the damage she has done. I have seen the results personally of an angry mum lashing out against her ex in front of her kids and the result is a daughter who has refused to see her father for years. (A father who the ex wife lauded to all and sundry as being an amazing dad- until they split and he found someone else).

Another guy I know is fighting tooth and nail to stay in his kids lives while his ex vilifies him to his kids. It’s so wrong and utterly heartbreaking.

Thing is, the feelings that the OP is feeling, as hurtful and real and painful as they are will lessen with time. But damage done to the kids and their relationship with their father is much harder to put right.

museumum · 29/03/2019 07:17

Think about the long term here. My dh had a father who left and had a new family (3 kids). His mother was and still is deeply angry/hurt and never spoke to the new wife even to this day. He saw his new half siblings only occasionally growing up because his dads quite unreliable.

But thankfully no bridges were burned and as adults we’ve got a nice relationship now with the half siblings (dh is late 40s, half siblings are 30, mid 20s and 21). This new baby could be in your daughters life for decades and decades and a positive relationship.

PaterPower · 29/03/2019 08:39

I’m acquainted (Mum of a child my StepDC has over to play occasionally) with a woman who absolutely cannot get over her husband leaving her (more than a year ago now and she’s with a new DP too).

I see this woman perhaps once every six weeks or so. We have yet to have a conversation where she doesn’t get AT LEAST one nasty dig in about her ex in particular, or about how men are useless (clearly aimed at her ex) in general. Always within earshot of her daughter and her DD’s younger sibling who comes in when she picks up.

I see how both of her DC’s react when she vomits this out. I hear anecdotes from my StepDC which clearly show the influence this has had on her friend. Her behaviour, and yours OP, is appalling.

Your DD’s relationship will have been impacted and you absolutely should be doing “everything in [your] reach” to put it right. I suspect you’re minimising what you still say about your ex, though. If I called my “friend” out about it she’d probably not recognise what she was doing - people are very good at hiding the nasty truth from themselves.

Original poster
Ginandunicorns · 29/03/2019 08:52

He was an excellent father until he left for the OW. For the first 6-7 months I was in a terrible place and tried to make their lives as miserable as I could. I let my family and friends attack her as I thought she deserved it. My hate and anger was visible to anyone around me. I have tried to make amends, and from early on I've tried for them to have a relationship. He never got his own place which mad things difficult I really didn't want them to meet her. It was inevitable in the end. At present I don't mind them. I push for my DD to go and spend time with her dad even if she doesn't want to, but there's still so much anger inside. My DP has filled in as a father figure he takes her out on her own something her own father isn't doing, he just doesn't make the time. I haven't said a negative thing infront of them for a very long time.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 29/03/2019 09:07

Gin - it sounds as if you're going in the right direction and trying hard to do what's best for your daughter. It is very difficult. I had that overwhelming anger - how dare they break up my life and my children's lives? For a long time I would quite happily have run both of them over in the street if I'd seen them - and taken the consequences. I was deranged. But we all ended up in a respectful relationship.

with a woman who absolutely cannot get over her husband leaving her (more than a year ago now and she’s with a new DP too) . A year is nothing in this situation. Nothing.

People should think a bit more about the consequences of their actions and be a bit kinder. I hear so many times "but I have a right to be happy" as people walk away from their families. However, you can only manage and control your own actions, not anyone else's.

TheLastNigel · 29/03/2019 09:30

Obviously it's not ideal for your child to see that you are distressed due to the behaviour of their own Father. But you are a human being and it's impossible to disguise it when you are in pain sometimes. Even when you think you are trying your best, kids can see through it.
The comments you have had here have been too harsh. A year to get over your husband leaving you for another woman and to then have another child with her is nothing. The thought of the new baby will be hurtful on a visceral level I'm sure- he was your h and you didn't want your marriage to end-the most intimate and special things you had shared with him-having a child-and that you thought would still be the thing he would look back and value as being exclusive to your relationship-even though it's now over-are now going to be shared with someone else-someone you are of course going to dislike.
That's actually bloody hard and I can understand why that feels like another huge betrayal-it's not logical but I can see why you are upset.

You are doing the right things now by your dd in encouraging the relationship with her dad. And I'm sure you will facilitate the relationship with the new baby too. (But that is in the main for her Dad to do or not do if he is a poor parent).
All you can do is be on hand to support her if and when he lets her down-without clearly slagging him off at all.she will work out for herself as she gets older just who he is, if he doesn't improve.
You just need to be the loving and supportive Mum that you are and build the best relationship with her that you can-without being detrimental towards him.

Also consider some talking therapy. It's really good for cases like this. You can say the unsayable to the therapist and it will really help.

LaughingCow99 · 29/03/2019 09:37

All those saying OP is bad parent, the only bad parents are those that break up their family, for whatever reason.

Utterly ridiculous comment. No one should have to stay in an unfulfilling/unhappy relationship for the sake of children. Or is it only women that can choose to leave??

Breakups are hard, but a relationship is never guaranteed. We have to go into them knowing that they can end.

The op needs to accept her ex has moved on. Turning her child against him was wrong. He is allowed to leave and be with someone else.

IvanaPee · 29/03/2019 09:44

Listen, Gin you’ve made your mistakes. You’re hurt, you’re human.

All I’m saying is learn from that and don’t make the same mistakes re: this baby.

Your family have done you a disservice, feeding your anger and attacking the woman in the street hasn’t done you or your dc any favours!

HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 09:45

She said she regrets that. She can’t change the past, so berating her about it is not helpful

Which is why she now has a responsibility to make up for the behavior she regrets. Not to her exH or his partner but for the sake of her DD.

It's why I've said she now needs to make an effort to not do the same about this new baby and be encouraging her DD to think positively about this situation and certainly not referring to it as a final nail in the coffin within earshot of her DD (which I'm not saying she has done).

RhymingRabbit · 29/03/2019 09:48

All those saying OP is bad parent, the only bad parents are those that break up their family, for whatever reason.

This is simply not true. Parental separation itself does not generally result in any negative outcomes for children. Conflict, however, does cause major issues for children. So yes... Parent's like Op do have to ALWAYS try to put their children's feelings first. That's what parents do.

PaterPower · 29/03/2019 09:52

I understand “bitter.” I understand “a year is nothing” - believe me.

I’ve been where OP is, (with genders reversed), and lived through exW fucking and moving in with an OM.

I’ve lived through the gaslighting, the minimising, the refusal to accept any fault whatsoever. I heard the bullshit justifications for the affair and the twisting of relationship history via mutual friends.

I managed not to slag her off directly to, or to others around, my DC. It’s really not that difficult if you’re thinking of them and their future first.

NotTheFordType · 29/03/2019 09:54

@RomanyQueen1
All those saying OP is bad parent, the only bad parents are those that break up their family, for whatever reason.

Oh OK. So a parent who sexually abuses their child but stays married is a good parent. And a parent who rescues their child from abuse by leaving the other parent is bad. Gotcha.

Meanwhile back in the real world...

TheGhostOfBrexit · 29/03/2019 11:12

Excellent fathers don't abandon their dcs and impregnate other women...that needs to be acknowledged.

choli · 29/03/2019 11:17

Impregnating another woman is no reflection on his parenting. Leaving an unhappy marriage is not abandoning his children.

LaughingCow99 · 29/03/2019 11:23

I agree choli

A lot of odd comments on here.

TheGhostOfBrexit · 29/03/2019 11:24

Wtf! Well in my book it is choli. Also this shit storm has affected his relationship with his dd, not surprisingly Confused

DarlingEm · 29/03/2019 11:27

Ridiculous comment.

Marriages break up all the time, and it’s rarely 100% one persons fault.

Leaving a marriage (and women do it too!) does not suddenly make you a shit parent!

My ex was unfaithful several times and left me for another woman. But he is an excellent father and continues to be so. Our children adore him. Not so great a husband maybe but that has nothing to do with his parenting, love and commitment to those children.

TheGhostOfBrexit · 29/03/2019 11:47

Well...op dh left her for OW...great fucking parent...

DarlingEm · 29/03/2019 12:15

Ghost - life really isn’t that black and white,

HelloImStressed · 29/03/2019 12:19

I don't think parents sex lives determine how good of a parent they are as much as we may not agree with their decisions as a husband/wife.

It's the way they act and behave in front of their children that causes the problems. A young child doesn't even need to know that dad/mum has left for someone else or cheated.

DarlingEm · 29/03/2019 12:30

My dad stayed married and faithful to my mum. They’re still together. He was a total arse to us growing up, a bully and a narcissist and is estranged from half his children who won’t have anything to do with him.

I so glad I had kids with someone like my ex, even though it didn’t last, over someone like my father.

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