DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

So he is fine with not seeing his children for long periods? And he expects you to just become default parent with no discussion? I wouldn't be impressed with that.

I think he made the choice for you

He’s going

Your staying

Start a divorce

In his head he’s already gone op. You, your children, family etc are playing second fiddle.

He says he probably doesn’t love you. Well, what about YOU? Do you love HIM? Why does he get to choose? He’s drawn the line. Where’s yours?

So he is fine with not seeing his children for long periods? And he expects you to just become default parent with no discussion?

He is a little miffed that I am not following him so that he doesn't need to miss them... So he does feel he will miss them but will go regardless.

At the moment he is planning on flying back every 4-5 weeks and stay a whole week.

The biggest problem is that there is likely to be what will be expected of him for the rest of his career with this company...
He will be loaded when he retires though.

I'm sorry OP, but I really don't see that there's anything left in your marriage to save.

Even if your H does decide that he doesn't like his job when he gets there and misses you, the fact is that at this point everything, even sick parents, even your marriage, is less important to him than his job.

He's said he doesn't know if he loves you. He said yes to the job without even talking to you about it. He doesn't care about you, your feelings, your job or your marriage.

Do yourself a huge favour and cut him loose.

Sorry op but there's no way I'd ever say you should stick it out. He's told you he doesn't love you. He's told you his career is more important than you and the family. He's told you he wouldn't even come back for his sick parents.

I couldn't stay knowing all that. And you would be a fool to do so.

I think you should leave, and focus on your life with the kids. It must be hanging over you to have him being like this.

Lastly here are some

OP, I'm so sorry, but he doesn't even know if he loves you? And he doesn't mind about not seeing his children? And he would be ok with being very far from his parents even if they were very ill?

He sounds like he only feels a weak emotional connection to all of you. What kind of love is this? Is it enough for you and your children?

I am sorry, but let him go. What would you be losing? How much emotional sustenance is he giving you in reality? Sounds like not much.

At the moment I am not well protected financially if we start a divorce.

I swap from going 'who cares, it's only money' to wanting to take a few years to get myself in a better position legally and for the kids to get used to him not being around.

I am not very good at pretending to be 'ok' though. I tend to wear my heart on my sleave.

Do I love him? The ease with which he did this has chocked me. After all the years of discussing this, I genuinely thought he would say 'no' to his company and find a new role. I don't like the side of him I am seeing now at all.

On the other hand, there are plenty of couples where 1 partner works away from home extended periods of time. And they seem to work... So maybe I am being dramatic?

chocked = shocked

Yes but I'm sure those husbands don't say they don't love their wife or wouldn't come back for sick parents.

He doesn't know if he loves you and he definitely doesn't respect you or consider you an equal partner in the relationship. If he did, the job offer would have been did useed and your opinion and wishes taken into account when making the decision jointly. Instead, he accepted with no discussion, no consideration for you or your children and he has made it clear he isn't bothered about his parents (assuming no other backstory here?) . He must know how you feel and still doesn't care? Sounds to me that he's already checked out of the marriage. Sorry.

You want different things from life, clearly. That doesn't make either of you right or wrong. However, the fact that he felt that it was ok to accept the posting without even discussing it with you suggests that he had checked out of your relationship long before this decision was made. There is no respect for your wishes at all, OP.

I think this is probably the end of the road for your relationship.

You may be better off than you think. You have a house and he will have a fabulous pension pot you can get a share of. Whilst he’s away get your hands on all the financial information you can and then get to a solicitor for some advice

On the other hand, there are plenty of couples where 1 partner works away from home extended periods of time. And they seem to work... So maybe I am being dramatic?

There are couples who can make this work, yes. DH and I are sometimes apart for long periods. He is away at the moment as it happens. However, the key is mutual respect and shared decision-making. DH didn't just announce that he would be away for several months. We discussed it and agreed it between us. I don't see any evidence of this in your situation.

How about :
See how it goes.

It may actually work well.

And when he does retire your family reap the financial benefits.

Many of my friends are retired and go on lovely holidays.

Many people would put a job above a sick parent as they need to support their family but he won't put it above a sick child.

It may not like it.

Maybe he feeling unsupported so that s why he is unsure of his feelings.

Just my humble opinion.

I wish you well.

@yowhatnow
It's pretty much been said by the other PP's actually.

He really doesn't care if you move with him or not. The only important person in his life is himself: you, his children, his parents - whether sick or not - are not.

The only reasons he'd really want you to move with him is to be near his children, perhaps, but to have you there facilitating their care and facilitating his needs whilst he focuses on his career.

What about you? Your extended family, friends, your own growing business, your wants and needs - which he gave no moments thought to in accepting the role without considering anyone but himself.

What does he expect from you when he returns for his visits - particularly if he isn't sure he loves you? BTW Surely he's telling you he doesn't?

I'm sure you are shocked but you need to act now (discreetly) to get legal advice on how you stand financially if you do decide to divorce. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to as well because it doesn't seem your marriage is sustainable.

He’ll be the wealthiest person in the graveyard op and lonely to boot I expect.

Working and living abroad can work really well, I have friends who do it and enjoy it. BUT the key is respect! And this is something he doesn’t appear to have for you, or his family or his dc. He can’t have any care for your feelings or well being if he’s making these decisions without you. He’s also admitted that he doesn’t know if he still loves you.

As yourself if it’s worth having all this money, but you have to be at the beck and call of a man that doesn’t respect you, doesn’t care about your feeling it well being, and doesn’t even know if he loves you. Let alone his complete disregard for his children and parents

Maybe he feeling unsupported so that s why he is unsure of his feelings.

I am sure that is the case. Is it my 'job' to support him in whatever he wants to do though? Where is the support for me and my career? Don't I deserve that too?

We have moved for his career before. So far he has had 0 negative effects on his career.

I however have been replaced during my pregnancy and subsequently fired, found work abroad when we moved that wasn't great then had to change to a junior role to accommodate childcare for the children.

My career has stalled. I am equally as educated and have equal potential to have a good career and support the family financially.

Where is his support for me?

He doesn't love you , doesn't care about seeing his DC grow, doesn't care about his parents/ expects you to pick up all the flack. He's basically checked out and here will likely be reasons to not come home as promised. He will also likely find an OW as he has checked out of the marriage and most men are shit at being single. I'd definitely be seeing a solicitor before he starts hiding money which may be fairly easy to do once he's living abroad on his Jack Jones .

He sounds like a selfish arse. Does he work for BP? There seem to be a lot of selfish bellends there.

I think your marriage ended the moment he said he 'didn't know if he loved you', tbh.

I would probably let him move and focus on getting sorted on my own and the children adapt to him being away, then tell him you consider that you are formally separated and start proceedings for divorce. He isn't supporting you, he doesn't prioritise you (or your children!), he doesn't care about your sacrifices. Enough is enough. Yes, some people do fine with a marriage where one partner works away, but that's on a basis of mutual agreement. It wouldn't work for me and it seems it isn't what you want either. So put yourself first for once and get what you want - which seems to be to establish a happy life here of your own, since your 'D'H doesn't want to be part of a happy life here.

Your update reflects your anger at his unilateral decision and I don’t blame you!

Myself and my partner regularly are at opposite ends of the country for work, but when he “decided” he would accept a job which stops my career without discussion then I started our talk of separation. He quickly rethought his decision and apologised, becoming more supportive of my career than I expected.

You shouldn’t have to be the only one making sacrifices or compromises. If he had actually considered you all then I would suck it up short term (2-5 years) but his handling would make me hesitate to stay.

I hope you have RL support

Does he work for BP

No, but similar

Why sacrifice/compromise your and your childrens happiness for someone who doesn't love you and doesn't consider his 'family' in life changing choices?
My DH works away for 6 months of the year and has now since the youngest was 14, WE as a family decided that it would work for us and for the last 5 years it has although it can be hard work. We see him twice in that 6 month period (due to his work) but we Skype everyday without fail, he spends 1-2-1 with DS's every day (we each get a Skype call) even if it's for a few minutes as the boys are busy!
It only works because we are all committed ALL of us and we know that there is love, respect and the understanding that if any of us changes our minds he will sell the business and come home.

I'd bide my time. Use it constructively to get get documentation together. One week every month or so isn't too onerous to be civil and happy families if you keep the long goal in mind.