DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

Do your DC know his plans ?

We were married abroad which means that if we divorce now, we don't have a family income. In other words, everything he has earned over the past 10 years is his, and everything I have earned is mine. Assets we bought are of the person whose name is on the invoice (all the invoices of our renovation are in his name). So that would mean I would need to pay him out :(.

He would need to pay maintenance for his children of course.

I am in the process of getting this changed so that we have a clear contract so that at least I also benefit from the sacrifices I have had to make for his career so far.

I am not interested in getting rich of him. I just want to be able to provide a comfortable life for my children.

What if you said, 'Oh that's funny, I just accepted a lucrative position abroad as well! I leave in two weeks. Welp, I guess we'll just sell the house and put the kids in care!'

Do your DC know his plans ?

He is leaving next week. So yes, they do. The eldest is struggling. The others are getting mysteries stomach aches and crying fits. They don't rationally relate the 2 but I recognise it from when he was away every weekday during 6 months last year.

mysteries = mysterious

Im so sorry this is awful for you! He is very selfish. You said he said he would miss the children but what about missing you?

He’s not sure if he loves you; he wants all the support, which you have given. What do you get? To say his career comes before anything else is shocking and sad. I think you deserve better

What if you said, 'Oh that's funny, I just accepted a lucrative position abroad as well! I leave in two weeks. Welp, I guess we'll just sell the house and put the kids in care!'

Our therapist said that too. :)

He knows I wouldn't do that though.

He sounds to be very selfish and is only considering himself. So in this case I’d maybe suggest you act the same. Let him go and then sort things out at home to suit you. You say that financially it would be hard to split so once he’s gone focus on that and how to set yourself up the way you need. You will be able to ‘practice’ being separated/divorced to see if you like it. I’m not suggesting that you date anyone, I just mean to separate your thoughts of him and start making decisions to suit you.
Basically He obviously puts himself first in all situations so why don’t you start doing the same?

He will be loaded when he retires though.
And lonely.

We were married abroad which means that if we divorce now, we don't have a family income
I don't understand this. Was it a legal marriage? If so why does it affect the family income?

I've lived abroad a couple of times and loved it but you're in a very different situation. It's really awful but it does seem your marriage is over.

Have you seen a solicitor before? I struggle to see how your last post re- finances is correct.

If it is correct I would stay married to him, write him off emotionally and take him to the cleaners once he retired.

Why aren't you well protected?

The fact he says he doesn't know if he loves you is obviously a massive flag. Do you think he'd be faithful regardless?

If you love him, I can see a logic in not lying about your unhappiness but also not commencing anything legal and see how the next few months go. See if he does indeed get there and come running back or if he comes back for a week and things are worse. Get all your paperwork straight, and do what you need to financially.

If it isn't working for you, suggest a trial seperation so he comes back and sleeps in spare room / hotel etc and sees the kids without you / you have some time out and he stays with the kids.

Then if that clarifies what you want, commence divorce proceedings.

Or do you mean there is a prenup?

OP, you need to see a solicitor. If you are domiciled in the U.K., it may be possible to have the divorce hearing administered under U.K. law rather than the law of wherever you got married. Worth finding out, if it would give you a better financial settlement.
I wonder if your DH actually wants a divorce, and this emigrating without asking or discussing it is a way of provoking it, and also of giving him some distance from you?
Either way, I think this marriage is all over bar the shouting. Sorry.

I agree with PPs who say start thinking of yourself as legally separated and get used to the idea, and also see a solicitor on the quiet to find out your legal status.

Location of the divorce isn’t generally based on location of the wedding ceremony unless you had a religious only wedding?

We married in a different legal system than our home country. As we also lived there once we were married, that is the legal system that needs to be followed in case we divorce.

However, the divorce would need to initiated from the country I live in (or he is he starts it). Our legal system is totally different and can't apply the process that would be followed in the country we were married in. So it looks like the base of the marriage, which is total separation of assets.

I have seen a solicitor about changing our marriage from the country abroad to our country. This is also important in case something happens to either of us for succesion rights.

A marriage made abroad is legal in UK unless there is a specific element that makes it incompatible with UK law (like polygyny). Not trying to pry. Get some more legal advice

As you have been here a while you may have a case for any divorce being completes in this country.

he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

So he is going and I am not.

I'm sorry but reading this as an outsider, your marriage is essentially over.

The statements I've highlighted from your OP are all that matter. He's made what should have been a joint or family decision entirely alone without consideration for anyone else.

He is being entirely selfish but his actions are telling you everything you need to know.

Get financially sorted. See a solicitor ASAP and find out your position.

I can't believe how selfish this man is. He just does what he wants and expects everyone else to get in line without any discussion or care for anyone else's feelings. Moving abroad is a huge decision and should be done together. Your DC are at such fragile ages too, has he not considered them at all??

I couldn't be with someone like that, there is absolutely no emotional support or respect there at all.

Your opinions and feelings are equally important and you need to really think about what you want. You deserve better than this OP.

Am back - i will ask mn to remove the others.

Did everyone miss where op said he would come back for a sick child ONLY because it didn't affect his career? So if it would he just wouldn't come back?

Just want to add my sympathies to your situation.
My DH has lived and worked abroad with us as a family and after following him all over, despite the financial advantages it gave us, I have put my foot down to say we will return to the UK soon.
He did work in one country before we could join him and he found it very hard. When you are the one in the midst of family life busy all the time, they can't understand why you don't want to FaceTime them all the time.
Living apart may work for you but it may be the straw that breaks the camels back for you.
It nearly was for us and I can honestly say I'm still not sure if we will ever recover.
He seems determined to go- let him, carry on with family life and see how it goes . It may not be everything that he expects it to be.