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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH prioritising work over family

173 replies

yowhatnow · 28/03/2019 07:59

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 01/04/2019 09:06

Sorry posted too soon.

Family dinner altogether, and emphasise ‘til we see Daddy again’ rather than ‘he’s leaving ‘.

Definitely continue your work to protect your status and assets.

See how it goes for 2 of his trips home.

Keep up the counselling to give you yourself support.

Good luck, you can do this!

But.... hold tight til your assets are secure! You are owed that much due to what happened to your career in support of his.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 01/04/2019 09:07

I will try and hold on for as long as I can. The reality is that he won't really be around anymore so I have time and space to get myself sorted.
The reality is that I can't afford to buy him out of the house that we have. And I love the house.
So I want to have some time to look for another house somewhere that I can afford and that I can be happy in.
If i can hold on that is.... The tension is already getting to me. Just a few more days and hopefully I can breath again.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 01/04/2019 09:20

Best of luck OP. You'll get there. (He's an idiot for leaving all this behind.)

k1233 · 01/04/2019 09:51

Once he's away you'll have breathing room. You've got a couple of days. You can make it! Focus on the long goal, tell yourself everything you are doing is for that. Every smile, every nicety that chokes you is all for your long term security. He'll be gone soon.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 01/04/2019 09:57

I have suggested we go out for a meal with the whole family. That should satisfy his feeling of me getting behind his project without putting myself in an emotionally vulnerable position.

We are all going to visit him in 2 weeks time. The next time he will be back after that is the end of May / beginning of June. So that will be a bigger chunk of time.

We are going there because the children are quite fearful of him going. Lots of talk of him dying in plane crashes and with the guns etc. So I want them to see where he will be so that they can normalise it a little.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 01/04/2019 10:02

He said he doesn’t know if he loves you.

He said you’re holding him back.

He made a life changing choice without discussing it with you.

k1233 · 01/04/2019 10:10

But if she leaves at this point in time she's screwed. She's not in the UK. Divorce rules are different. She needs to get everything lined up before walking. He'll be gone for a few weeks and OP will have breathing room and time to get things lined up in preparation to leave. That's the sensible course of action for the best outcome.

CatGoals · 01/04/2019 10:14

We were married abroad which means that if we divorce now, we don't have a family income

Are you sure about this? Presumably you would divorce in the UK, where British law applies. It doesn’t matter in which country you married?

CatGoals · 01/04/2019 10:16

We married in a different legal system than our home country. As we also lived there once we were married, that is the legal system that needs to be followed in case we divorce.

This isn’t right. You are both domiciled in the UK and have been for years. You would divorce under British law.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 01/04/2019 10:39

I don't think you have understood the position re the law that will apply if you were to initiate proceedings in England (assuming that is where you currently live). Get proper i.e. paid for legal advice.

Lllot5 · 01/04/2019 11:14

I’d probably would just let him go see what happens. I know nothing about legal aspects of divorce in different countries. But emotionally I would just let him go. See how you feel in a couple of months. Maybe two of his 5 week visiting schedules you might not miss him too much and there’s your answer.

k1233 · 01/04/2019 23:00

Per OP they don't live in the UK
28/3/19 11.43:

"We are bothe from the samen EU country but where married and lived in the UK.

UK law is case law so each case is reviewed and based on past cases a ´settlement' is assigned.

Our legal system is based on contracts. So it will look at the UK marriage as a contract and interprets it as total seperation of assets and incomes.

As we curently live in our home country, the divorce proceedings would happen here, but the UK contract is used. "

tomatosalt · 01/04/2019 23:16

Get the legality of your marriage sorted out ASAP and then divorce him. Can you expedite this appointment you have booked for May?
Unfortunately it is very likely he will meet someone new overseas and be much less amenable to a reasonable settlement.

babba2014 · 01/04/2019 23:21

Tell him to take the children with him and work and also look after them whilst you 'work away' in the city you are currently in and build up your career again.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 02/04/2019 00:11

Tell him to take the children with him and work and also look after them whilst you 'work away' in the city you are currently in and build up your career again.

If I told him that, he would. He'd just pay a nanny to look after them.
He loves his kids (Or so he says). He is now at the stage of blaming me that he can't go as easily as he should as he will miss the kids.
His dsis has also mentioned to me how hard it will be for him at the weekend. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
yowhatnow · 06/04/2019 06:14

He is leaving in an hour or so and he is bawling like a baby.
I just can't find much sympathy for him.

And now I feel like a horrible person.

OP posts:
edgeofheaven · 06/04/2019 06:36

In my parents culture it’s quite common for couples to live apart but not divorce. Usually for financial reasons. In your position you should not rush to divorce until you know your financial situation. Honestly his leaving us a gift to you - you can “practice” living without him. I bet you’ll find it’s easier than you imagined.

I don’t think your DH can file for divorce in Texas as you don’t live there. I remember reading a case in the US where a wealthy man from another state filed in Texas on the basis of the family’s holiday home with proof and he and wife had spent significant time there. Because the Texas law protected his wealth more. Don’t go to Texas ever - so that he can’t pull that on you.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/04/2019 06:54

Don't feel guilty. He's the terrible person here.

I find him quite shocking.

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 06:58

Let him cry. I couldn't muster up an ounce of sympathy. He chose this as they way forward for all of you without discussing it. His family members feel sorry for him? He's a manipulator. Just let him go and give yourselves some time (you and the DCs) for things to settle. You'll no doubt be happier without this narcissist in your lives.

user1480880826 · 06/04/2019 07:00

You describe him as being “a little miffed” that you won’t follow him which means he won’t see his kids. Is that really the extent of his love for his children?!

Leaving aside the health of your relationship with him, having 3 children who he will no longer see should be reason enough not to consider moving to the other side of the country.

CrunchyCrumpet · 06/04/2019 07:16

OP remember that this is HIS choice, he has chosen not to listen to his own family who don't want to be uprooted. Please hold on to this thought, you are not the guilty party in this at all Thanks

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 07:23

I also think he has chosen to abandon his family (it's way more than just working abroad). So he knows it's all over and he's wanting you to comfort him. What a lowlife.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/04/2019 07:35

Surely he realised that there would come a point where he had to stay in one place for a while due to the children's education? If not this then children go to boarding school or families live apart for a few years. I don't believe he didn't realise this so I think this could be a deliberate act of control.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 06/04/2019 09:23

Well, he's gone.

I am not going to rush into anything. It hurts though. And I realise all the more that he is unable to understand the emotional impact of things.

Originally he wanted us to take him to the airport to wave him off. His df, dm and dsis would be there too. He didn't understand that this would be aweful for the dc and awkward for me.

So I managed to pursued him to not do this. Then he arranged for his df to come and pick him up. Which meant that his df was there when we were supposed to have a nice family breakfast and when dd was in waves of tears when it was time to go.
He should have ordered a taxi and sucked it up that he would be alone in the car.

Anyway. All done now and the dc are keeping themselves busy.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 06/04/2019 09:42

I think it is shameful how he is choosing his career over seeing his children grow up.

If a mother did this, she would be crucified!

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