DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

My exh also put his work first - and he doesn't even have a well-paying job. He spent three years coming home at weekends, ignored local job offers. I was OK with being the main parent as I work from home, but less OK with not having a husband, his increasing disinterest in anything related to the family, and focus on himself. I put up with it out of loyalty and as it seemed unreasonable to complain - he painted a picture of himself making sacrifices to feed the family. In the end it turned out he'd been seeing other women. The lack of interest and self-focus were because he was already not with us, in his head.

The revelation of his affair started with the classic "don't know how I feel about you" line.

Have a good think about what you want from life and whether he's at all capable of providing it. In my experience, if you wait patiently, you end up feeling like a total mug.

Even if you end up living in a smaller place, it will be your place, you can stay there as long as you fancy, you'll have control over what you do. You'll no longer be constantly disappointed by his lack of consideration. It's a good feeling.

I think the job abroad is a bit of a red herring. Not sure if he loves you, he's making decisions that affect all of you without any consultation. You've been married for 10 years! He's behaving like you've been dating for three months. You deserve so much more than this, you've both committed to a relationship, and now he's showing you how he feels about that commitment. What an arse.

sorry, i don't understand your comments about assets, marriage and divorce.
even if you were married abroad, you can divorce in the UK and UK divorce law would apply. This is why women come to the UK to set up residence when divorcing as our legislation is more advantageous to them than it might be in other countries.
You really need to look into this further. Because on divorce in the UK you may be eligible for a portion of his pension particularly if you were unable to work to facilitate his career.
Get legal advice

He will also likely find an OW as he has checked out of the marriage and most men are shit at being single.

This. I'd act quickly op, with the legal advice. He will move on very quickly since he doesn't even think he loves you and what little obligation he feels he has now will will rapidly disappear when someone else is involved.

With the lack of respect or care you describe, moving on will more then likely be very easy for him and it sounds like you'd have a serious fight on your hands the way you are speaking of separate finances.

I’m interested to understand why you think you wouldn’t get a decent settlement?

I’d focus on getting your career back on track and start getting your ducks in a row so you are prepared if he doesn’t realise seeing his children once a month isn’t the dream life...

what @needmorespace said. Nothing you've mentioned suggests obviously that you can't divorce in the UK, but you would have to initiate it before he started Texas proceedings, which you really don't want.

I guess it was a nikah or something similar?
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/nov/20/women-uk-islamic-wedding-legal-rights-civil-ceremony-marriage

Living apart may work for you but it may be the straw that breaks the camels back for you.
It nearly was for us and I can honestly say I'm still not sure if we will ever recover.
He seems determined to kgo- let him, carry on with family life and see how it goes . It may not be everything that he expects it to be.

This is good advise.

OP just another voice to say I don't think you're correct about your possible rights (or lack thereof) following a divorce. It is irrelevant where you got married or how long you lived abroad following that marriage - if you are living here now you will get divorced here under the law of England & Wales (unless, as has already been indicated, you are not actually legally married in the eyes of the law here). You have to have been married at least a year and have a permanent home here, both of which it sounds like you fulfil. Note that I'm assuming you're in England & Wales - the law is different in Scotland and NI.

I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP to clarify your standing - it's impossible to make decisions without all the information and it sounds to me like you have been given some incorrect advice in the past.

Re marriage and divorce, it is normal to file in the country of residence and that countries ruled apply. Hence wives of oligarchs filing in England with all the advantages of English divorce law and lack of recognition for a prenup. But yes your marriage needs to be legally recognised.

As to your situation, I fear you are not seeing the real issue. He doesn’t love you and doesn’t like being married to you and living with you.

I’m sorry that sounds harsh but this job is a gift to him. He can walk away from you in the safe knowledge that he can still see his children at his convenience and not have to face up to the financial implications of a divorce.

He will go to Texas and for all intents and purposes be a single man. Probably, some mention of being separated but you will be described as a difficult woman who won’t agree to divorce. He will end up in a new or a series of new relationships.

In the meantime you are left in limbo. Not really in a position to rebuild a lucrative or satisfying career, always dependent on him and, depending on your principles in life, not able to have a new relationship.

Your children will grow up with a very bad example of marriage, relationships and fidelity.

The best thing you can do for them is to show them that not all marriages or relationships work out. If they don’t, then people should accept this and move on to new better and happier lives. This doesn’t have to involve drama, affairs and acrimony.

Op, your shock is normal as it is very unusual for a husband to place so little value on his family. Someone mentioned his lack of connection and love and sadly I suspect he is very superficial. Men like this succeed extremely well in corporate organisations as they are single focussed and care only for gaining more power.

Ex was similar, his career (& achievements) came first because it gave him the narcisstic supply. Home life in comparison is dull because parents are supposed to invest in their children rather than use then for ego.
The comment re sick children resonates as well as Ex would get attention in work for a sick child but everyones parent will be unwell eventually.

If your Ex follows type he could become extremely vengeful and vindictive so proceed carefully and line up finances as best as you can. Do not rely on any good nature. I had zero warning Ex would react so badly but now know it is very common amongst men who have believed their spouse was supposed to be compliant. I was an object that was supposed to serve him, I became "faulty when I started to have my own needs and he couldn't tolerate the thought of an equal partnership.

This is unlikely to be about you, it says more about him.

Back from a meeting.

We are bothe from the samen EU country but where married and lived in the UK.

UK law is case law so each case is reviewed and based on past cases a ´settlement' is assigned.

Our legal system is based on contracts. So it will look at the UK marriage as a contract and interprets it as total seperation of assets and incomes.

As we curently live in our home country, the divorce proceedings would happen here, but the UK contract is used.

I am working on geeting the UK marriage contract converted in a contract in my home country where assets and income is shared (apart from previous wealth and inheritance).

*Both
*Getting

Lifebegins

That is what I fear. So I need to play happy family for a little while longer and make sure he signs the papers I need.

The appointment to do so if for his next visit in May.

Hm, I married in the UK and divorced in another EU country and it wasn't that complicated. Depends on the place, obviously, and whether you are going to have to fight your husband, but it might still be worth looking for a lawyer experienced in foreign law.

Did you register the marriage in your home country at least?

Did you register the marriage in your home country at least?

Yes we did. My country however looks at where you live for the 6 months after the marriage took place to define which country's ´contract' applies.

Thank you all for your responses. The legal practical side of things I can handle.

What I struggle with is the emotional side. Ia so tempted to just walk out with the kids, get a house close to my DM and start a new life.

I know this wouldn't be the smart thing to do though. And also not what is best for the kids. They could do with a lot of stability and love from me.

Pfff - this is just utterly crap.

Why not move? Because the kids will want to stay in their familiar area? This is not a move to another country, though, right? And you wouldn't be moving them away from their dad, as he's doing that himself? It would be better to move them earlier than later, if that is likely to be an option. And you'd be better equipped to give them the love they need if you have some practical and emotional support. I wouldn't say it's such a bad choice, as long as you don't move constantly. (I also moved a lot as a child, but moving every year is not the same as one move.)

And yes, it is crap, but it doesn't stay crap, honest.

Just let the stupid selfish twat move away and keep paying to support you and your kids whilst you get your life back together again. Mum's the word 💐

The stress is really getting to me. I organised a leaving party as it kept me busy. I asked some of my close friends and holed up with them at the end of a table during the party.

He is leaving on Thursday.

He just asked if I want to go for dinner on wednesday night. I really don't but Maybe I should to keep up the pretence that I am staying with him.

The risk is that I'll tell him I am planning on leaving.

Shall I say as it's the last evening as a family, we should all eat together?

That sounds like a good plan. I'm sure the kids would love to spend their last night with him at a family dinner. Just be quiet and work on everything while he's away.

Yes, do that. It will be good for the children too.
I can see why you are waiting, but it must be very difficult. I’d want to tell him what a disgusting selfish swine he is... Will you be able to leave him after the May visit if he signs?

Oh, OP.

I remember when you posted this when he was offered this job.

I think you are 100% right to give your children the stability and not tote them round the world. But they are clearly reacting to him going