DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

I really think we need to listen to what men say. They aren't driven by what we are driven by.

Speak for yourself. There are plenty of women who are as ambitious as men.

Unfortunately those men are able to have kids and then abdicate all responsibility for childcare to their wives. It's much, much harder to do that in reverse as a woman. You only have to look at the threads on here to see how harshly society judges women who barely see their kids during the week because they're working. Far less judgement of men who do that.

Add in some people's misogynistic view that women's careers aren't equal to those of men, add to it the time taken by women on maternity leave (which could be split more equally now we have parental leave, but which hardly ever is), add to it the relative ages at marriage of men and women so that the men on average earn slightly more and it makes more sense for the woman's career to be the one to go, add to it the assumption that daughters will care for elderly relatives instead of sons, add to it employers who are less likely to grant flexible working to men as they are to women etc etc

... and you get to a point where those ambitious women just never get the same opportunities as ambitious men. It doesn't mean they don't exist.

I remember your previous thread

Tbh you are living a separated lifestyle so there is no need to rush divorce. Build your single life, he will be like a visitors when he pops home. Do you FaceTime much or is it mainly with the DC?

Concentrate on secure your long term finances especially a share of his pension!

I really think stability and future security for the DC needs to be your priority (clearly not his) it will also ensure he has plenty of time to either realise he's made a huge mistake and agree to rectify things or find an OW which would make divorcing him easier in some ways.

I suspect the in laws will blame you no matter what because he is the golden boy with amazing career...

I am a bit confused about the divorce finances because in England once you marry your financial assets are shared and prior assets are not exempt from that nor is inheritance automatically ring fenced and excluded!

It's nothing to do with being hardworking, it's about realising family is more important than the pursuit of wealth.

BIL is an extremely successful and semi famous entrepreneur. He still makes time for his wife and doesn't just use their home as a place to crash. He is very committed but is also a lovely person who wouldn't dream of doing what ops husband has tried to do and what he has actually done.

ALovingSpirit

Ridiculous, self-serving nonsense. I have friends/family who are what you'd call part of the 'special breed.' The one in particular I'm thinking of is, to put it very vaguely, a tech person who's become an angel investor more or less full time. He also has a family he cares about enormously and an equally ambitious wife (successful in her own field, albeit quite a different one).

They don't think of themselves as better people, and they describe anyone who does think that as utter assholes. They recognize that timing and luck, as well as skill and drive, let them do what they're doing. It helps that his wife's family immigrated relatively recently, so they know what enormous hard work and ambition looks like on minimum wage.

And do you know what? They both prioritize the kids. Sometimes that means calling a break to work from 5-7 to go home and have dinner with the kids and play with them before bed, before going back out to dinner meetings with clients/colleagues. Sometimes it means waking up at 4, working until the kids get up, and then spending time with them before school. It means always being there for birthdays and holidays and a much-respected, inviolable annual vacation without interruption. (That's what he pays his PA/office for--calls are very strictly only for emergencies.)

Do they work hard? Of course they do. But is family more important than their work? Entirely. I've seen them turn down various jobs/chances/etc. because it would hurt the family unit.

And they're not doing it to "build wealth," they're doing it because they are curious about the world and want to see what they can do. In fact, while they enjoy some of the things money can get them, they give most of it away (and will, a la the Giving Pledge), insist that their companies shrink the pay gap, and advocate for politicians who want the same.

So: the "ambitious people are just a different breed" thing really is self-serving nonsense. Success takes sacrifice, but plenty of successful people refuse to have that sacrifice be the happiness of those they love most in the world.

An update -I am with H together with the DC. We are here on holiday and will all go to Mexico together later this week.

Papers are ok now so I am no longer in a weak position.

I had arranged for H to sort out a SIM here so I can drive around on google maps. I am using an old work phone of his.

I got curious and started reading some of hos old messages. And sure enough.... he has been having an affair ... with his secretary.

I am shocked as I really didn't think he would. I am even more shocked by messages from his sister who knows and has been supporting him telling him to follow his heart.

I am also relieved because now I can walk away with my head held high.

So how do I go about this? I don't want to ruin the holiday for the kids but I am bad at keeping things to myself. Help!!

An update -I am with H together with the DC. We are here on holiday and will all go to Mexico together later this week.

Papers are ok now so I am no longer in a weak position.

I had arranged for H to sort out a SIM here so I can drive around on google maps. I am using an old work phone of his.

I got curious and started reading some of hos old messages. And sure enough.... he has been having an affair ... with his secretary.

I am shocked as I really didn't think he would. I am even more shocked by messages from his sister who knows and has been supporting him telling him to follow his heart.

I am also relieved because now I can walk away with my head held high.

So how do I go about this? I don't want to ruin the holiday for the kids but I am bad at keeping things to myself. Help!!

Get as much infor as you can while there. Pay, pension assets etc.

Then file for divorce once home

Ah, the old "I'm not sure I'm in love with you (because I've been shagging someone else)" what an arsehole.

Have you considered leaving the children with him in Texas for the rest of the summer holidays, whilst you come back to the UK & sort out your new life as a single woman?

He needs to realise that his new single status still has the responsibility for 3 DC.

When he's has to fit his job around childcare plus cooking and cleaning up after 3 DC he'll be too knackered to shag his secretary; win, win.

Does the affair pre-date the move or has he met her there?

What a relief for you. Now let him be the bad guy.
Your marriage has been over since the day he took that job without even checking with you.

I'd wait till end of the holiday and tell him you know and that's the end of it.

Pre-move. I dan't know if he is still in contact with her. I'll try and get hold of his new phone tonight. He has been coming back to Europe a lot more often than I thought he would with a lot of overnight work trips... I'll find out soon.

I want to go to Mexico. Have never been and I've organised it all.

I will get some advice from a divorce lawyer when I get back. I think I will be better off financially if I hold out for a few months and hold off any investment in the house.

I don't want to use the kids to punish him. He'll be the one missing out on so much, I don't need to do anything.

Make sure you fight for half his pension. He would not have been able to build it without you - it’s yours. he sounds like a assume shmuck

I'm so sorry he's done this. And I have no advice for you concerning hiding that you know. I would have exploded already.

Forgive me if I missed it, but is she working for him in his current city? Or is she still employed where he was working before? If so, do you think seeing her is part of the overnight work trips?

If she no longer works for him, it's possible that moving was a way to remove himself from temptation and end the relationship. I'm not minimizing the affair. I hate cheating and have no sympathy for him. I do wonder, though, if by moving he thought he had put this behind him.

I hope you can get his new phone. And that you find the answers you need.
Enjoy Mexico if you can.

Just go without him. I mean how much more of being shat all over are you going to take. Because he is shitting on you.
And you’ll just suck it up. You do realise every time your saying your putting up with this awful treatment for your children’s sake/ stability you are LYING to yourself and then

Them

She lives in the same country as I do. If google is to be trusted, she is actually originally from the same town as I am.

I know I can't hide that I know for 3 weeks. Also, I think he deserves to squirm.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Maybe having him feel like shit is the present I want right now.

She lives in the same country as I do. If google is to be trusted, she is actually originally from the same town as I am.

I know I can't hide that I know for 3 weeks. Also, I think he deserves to squirm.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Maybe having him feel like shit is the present I want right now.

Sorry for the double posting

What a wanker. But then you knew that. Make sure you are totally prepared to leave before you tell him.

What a wanker. But then you knew that. Make sure you are totally prepared to leave before you tell him.

What a wanker. But then you knew that. Make sure you are totally prepared to leave before you tell him.

What a wanker. But then you knew that. Make sure you are totally prepared to leave before you tell him.

I am not letting him shit on me. The fact he had an affair with an employee is a sackable offence in his company. I just want to somewhat be in control during this process.

Perhaps someone did find out, he was given ultimatum hence no discussion with you about job relocation, company wanted to keep him although sounds as if could still going on with more frequent trips home, maybe she's left her job. More digging needed, make him squirm.

How pathetic. He is such a stereotype.

I’m sorry he did this to you and your children but thank goodness you never moved with him. I would get hold of the new phone and find out what he’s up to at the moment before planning your next move.