DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

Just give yourselves some time to adjust. It sounds like you are in a good head space. If you are due to visit him in 2 weeks, then I would postpone for at least a month to give you and the children some time to settle into the new situation. It's not realistic to go after 2 weeks because that's not how it's going to be. He's chosen to leave his family. Let him feel the absence. Be kind to yourself. And yes, it's all about him.

He will feel loss but you will be blamed. He did have options so keep remembering that. He treats his family as "attachments" to him, that is not healthy for the DC to witness so you are doing the right thing.

You will get through this. Where are your family?

He doesn't care enough. He's upset because he's thinking of himself. He saw his children crying their eyes out, hysterical about him leaving and he still went. He didn't have to go, he chose to!

He will feel loss but you will be blamed.

That is what I fear. Thanks all for keeping me sane.

So he actually went through with it.
What are his plans to keep the relationship with his DC going?
If it means you have to keep dragging them over there to see him, I would think that's not really fair.
You will get into a Single Parent type routine and you can see if you like it or not and whether the marriage is worth fighting for or not.
Good luck and I hope the DCs are ok after the upset or seeing their father leave.

Why bother changing your username and give so specific details it’s obvious who you are.

Errr.....so that people who recognise her can't travel through her previous posts

Divorce in the UK. UK rules apply if you've been resident for 6 months.

OP I do remember this thread, I have just commented on your other thread where I thought YAU about him ringing the AU Pair to speak with his daughter. However I 100% truly understand how angry and hurt you must be. What he is doing is beyond disgusting, and i apologise if my comment upset you.

I do not blame you one bit for being angry, your poor children. Take some comfort for knowing your kids will always know you were there for them 24/7.

Take each day as it comes but put your needs first. The minute he left without any consideration to his family is the minute I would of started divorce proceedings.

Coming back to this thread as I need some perspective and some ideas please.

He was home this weekend as he has meetings for work today and tomorrow. He is leaving again on Wednesday morning.

I had a therapeutic walking weekend planned with a bunch of lovely women so I didn't see him until yesterday evening.

This morning he handed me a mother's day (next weekend in my country) gift - it is sexy lingerie. I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. I was thinking 'WTF - for mother's day? And lingerie?'. I was written all over my face that I wasn't exactly thrilled.

Oh, and the bra is several sizes too small around the chest and a cup size too big....

Should I view it as him trying?

Actually, I probably know the answer to this. From his viewpoint he is trying and is being the 'good guy'. In my point of view it is too little too late.

I wish he would stop trying so we can just let the dc get used to the new situation without having to make other drastic changes at this moment.

That's a gift for him, not you.

To me, buying a gift (especially one that's loaded in the way lingerie is, and the wrong size to boot) isn't really trying. Popping into a shop as you go through the airport takes almost no effort.

Trying is talking to you, making the effort to spend time with you (on terms also agreeable to you - not demanding your time when you have other things planned) etc.

You let him go. He is an ass hole who clearly doesn't love you. Love yourself first then find a new future

That is likely to be the end result. Right now however, the dc have just gone through major upheaval and need some stability. Throwing a break-up in the mix is not what they need right now.

I need H to stop trying. He laid his bed, he can lie in it for a (long) while. How do I approach it though without blowing up!

yowhatnow, I am going to be pragmatic here.

When we are in a place of reactivity, WE add to the escalating dynamic. My therapists told me this again and again, but I was far too hurt to stop.

Divorce from a wealthy man and single life is quite peaceful, I will not lie.

But here is the thing that nobody ever talks about: the years of history, the making new life together, the hope, the being a team at the beginning, maybe the mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a bedside table in a small room in a house. All that stuff is MEANINGFUL. And for me, the love and desire doesn't go away just because, divorce. I had to mentally go over every single inch of his body that I knew so well and which meant so much to me, and say goodbye and let go when I heard he was getting remarried. He can do that - move on, wealthy men are very desirable and he got lots of new - I find it harder.

Look up attachment styles. It explains a lot about why people do what they do, and why they do it.
People who have avoidant attachment are the ones who choose jobs that facilitate distance - night shifts, to contracts on oil rigs, to contracts overseas and global travel. They can't cope with being too close but if they sense you moving away, they move closer (the crying, the lingerie).

One of the old fashioned principles now makes sense to me. You have to ACCEPT them for who they are and stop trying to change them. Stop trying to 'get them' to give you what you need and focus on providing that for yourself through your circle of friends.

Does he beat you, lie to you, cheat on you? No. But he provides for you and shows his love that way.

As my children say to me 'Mummy, you chose him. We didn't'. And, Yo? You choose him for a reason.

I am urging you to take a step back, take a deep breath, and not trash everything just yet. Divorce SUCKS. The attachment doesn't end because of a piece of paper. His attachment is strange, but it is still attachment. Take one day at a time, examine your own attachment processes, focus on your life, your world, your parenting, your friendships. Keep your side of the street clean (ie, kindness, compassion etc).

Mumsnet is a lot about being reactive and urging reactivity to 'teach people a lesson'.

I say, focus on yourself, stop trying to change him, take one week at a time, and see how it all pans out. That can't do any harm, and your marital assets are accumulating in this time. You might meet someone and fall in love. So might he. It will all happen the way it is supposed to happen, OP.

A girlfriend of mine recently did what your DH has done. Her DH isn’t divorcing her.

Perspective from other side.

I am a total workaholic and have built successful businesses. Sometimes I had to work very long hours (think 06:00 to 00:00 7 days a week).

I had several girlfriends who just couldn’t handle my work ethic. That doesn’t make them bad, it doesn’t make me bad. My DP is the one who could handle that and so that’s why we married.

Committed, hard working, career minded, entrepreneurial people are a special breed. To them the rest of the world is frustrating because they are happy to float along being average. Hats off to your partner for going for it and achieving. The UK economy desperately needs people like him.

I understand wealth creation is hard on families,. When I look at my board I understand that behind every single one of them there is a supporting cast, just as important as the person in front of me.

My DP reaps the rewards of hard work, a five year old and family who fly business class for luxury holidays in the Far East, brand new cars they always wanted for a birthday present.

The main question is not if it’s right or wrong, it’s whether you align and have the same priorities. My 2 long term relationships before DP did not. They would’ve held me back. I am sure they are happy in their lives now though.

I’d definitely stop looking for fault or blame and look for common ground and compatibility. If you disagree over something as fundamental as work, then that can be hard to overcome.

@ScreamingLadySuch

I agree on the reactivity. Some of the urges to LTB are for things so minor that if honestly 50% of the population had the relationship expectations espoused on MN the human race would become extinct almost instantly.

Thanks ScreamingLadySutch - I am in no hurry for anything at the moment and different perspectives are great.

ALovingSpirit - I have also built a successful business and enjoy work. I know how to balance that with family though so it is not all about me and my achievements. It sounds like from your perspective 'ruthlessness' and total commitment to the job and company is the only way to be successful. I find this a very old-fashioned and patriarchic perspective and not one I agree with. Fine if he sees the world like you do. Then I am not the women for him. I have no desire to be a supporting cast or to live in more luxury than I already do. In fact, less would be fine.

To be honest, what ScreamingLadySutch said sounds more on the mark. I honestly think he is a good guy at heart but as a different relationship to attachment than I do.

I am hoping to start up therapy later this month to get some clarity for myself.

ALovingSpirit - that thing you call a “work ethic” is also in other circumstances called “unbridled greed” and the “rewards of hard work” are in many eyes “an ecological catastrophe”.

Committed, hard working, career minded, entrepreneurial people are a special breed.

Not really - that’s what they tell themselves. Go to any investment bank in the City and you’ll meet thousands of them. What they are is obsessed with money. (So are a lot of people, actually, so that doesn’t especially set them apart - they’re just more honest with themselves and others about that motivation.)

In my experience, people who are obsessed with money also tend to be insecure; they need that money because it buys them status which they don’t feel they can have otherwise. They need the affirmation of others and conspicuous consumption is the only way they know how to get it.

Very occasionally, you do meet a “special breed” (to put it in those terms); people who are just spectacularly brilliant. They know this....so they don’t care if you know it or not. And you can be damned sure that they aren’t the “kowtow to the corporate say so” types....

ALovingSpirit Working hard is not the issue. It's the fact he decided to move across the world and just expect everyone else in the family to come despite OP having her own business, and not to mention moving the dc from their lives just because he doing what he wants.

OP the 'present' is all about his want and needs and nothing to do you. Personally I would either give it back to him or bin it. And if he mentions it ask him does he really think that sort of thing is really appropriate for a mother day gift.

ALovingSpirit

Thanks for that perspective. I really think we need to listen to what men say. They aren't driven by what we are driven by.

I got told once 'someone can be a hugely successful businessman, or a wonderful husband. They can't do both'. I think there is something in that quite harsh comment. The time and energy required to drive to success is so huge.

"The main question is not if it’s right or wrong, it’s whether you align and have the same priorities. " - that is what my therapist told me as well. And what I was trying to tell OP about accepting him for who he is.

I will never completely stop loving the father of my children if I am honest. It doesn't mean I pine for him or want to be with him. I think that makes me quite loyal to that family unit, rather than pathetic. But you might think I am pathetic! (fine, I am who I am)

ALovingSpirit

I am a total workaholic and have built successful businesses. Sometimes I had to work very long hours (think 06:00 to 00:00 7 days a week).
I had several girlfriends who just couldn’t handle my work ethic.

I wonder if you mean that your girlfriends didn't want to do all your chores and housework?

Being a workaholic and ambitious is all great. But you still have to pull your weight when it comes to housework (you know, the boring stuff that no-one wants to do, but which is necessary to stay alive and presentable?).

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you do pull your weight at home. But the way you speak it sounds like you feel entitled to focus on your work life and nothing else because you want to spend long hours at work (which is all that 'workaholic' really means). I guess if you've found someone willing to accommodate you like a 1950s housewife, good for you.

Do you know how many women would love to have a housewife too? Maybe if more men were willing to stay at home raising the kids and doing all the shit housework jobs day-in and day-out (or even just pulling their weight, same as their wives have to), women might finally get parity at board-level.