DH prioritising work over family

[yowhatnow]

I have namechanged for this thread as I don't want DH finding it. I posted a few months ago under a different username about my situation.

So here it is: DH was offered a position in Texas with the company that he has worked for all his working life (20 years). We have lived abroad before and though I managed it, I was very happy when he was sent back home for a job here. We have been here for almost 5 years now and we bought a lovely house and have almost finished renovating it.

We have been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 DC ranging from 11yo to 6yo.

Over the past 12 years we have discussed the topic of moving abroad regularly. I moved a lot as a child and hate the lifestyle. I personally feel like it is a fake life with no real connections with people. Each time I have to give up friendships and start again, knowing that they would not 'last' in the longrun.

I started my own company 5 years ago and it is going pretty well.

So a few months ago, when he was asked to take the role, he said Yes straight away. No discussing at home, no looking for alternatives.

Clearly, I am extremely hurt that he would do this. We have started couples therapy and he says he doesn't know if he loves me. He has also said that his career will always come first and he doen't like the feeling that I want to hold him back.

He also said that even if his parents would be extremely ill, he would still go.

So he is going and I am not.

And now I am questioning what I still want from the relationship. We live a nice life and I appreciate the things we have and can enjoy.
I would however happily live with a lot less if it meant that we could be together as a family.

The only thing that might make him come back is if one of the children became ill, but this is also because then his company would accommodate this and not 'punish' him career-wise for wanting to be close to his children.

I feel very conflicted. I really dislike the side that he is showing now. I can't love a man who would put his career before sick parents. I can't love a man who would not considering my wellbeing in his decisions.

On the other hand, he might realise once he is over there all alone what he is leaving behind and change his perspective (because I know that is what it is for him, and perspectives can be shifted).

So what do I do now? Do I stick with the relationship and see where it goes? Do I just quickly cut my losses and move on?

sorry for the long post

Enjoy Mexico holiday with dc and with H as much as you can although going to be difficult to keep from him that you know about the affair, he obviously didn't think about the evidence on the old phone

Don't blow your load just yet. You need to be sure you understand his financial position. Get payslips, pension and investment details, any bonus payments or plans, any record of expenses (he could use a huge expense bill to reduce his salary).

Get copies of the messages.

Triple check with a solicitor that you have regularised your marriage and what you can expect on divorce. (it seems a bit odd that a man having an affair and distancing himself from his family would sign those papers so readily).

I would try and get yourself home. It may seem like a good idea to see him squirm, but what happens next? You are far from home, with your kids and no support. Maybe better to get on firmer ground before launching a grenade at the fucker.

if you go on a happy holiday to Mexico then you are letting him shit on you, you can pretend it’s you being in control all you like.

You said you’ve sorted the legal marriage side. So there is no problem there. You’re not going to leave destitute.

I’m not meaning to sound harsh, but think about the deeper reasons you’re telling yourself something yet doing something else entirely.

OP,

I would definitely try and get a couple of hours on your own to have a good think.

You know the marriage is over.
You know it was him and not you.

If you can find the strength at all, I would focus on trying not to go for the short term satisfaction.

Knowledge is power. Use it

He's clearly not the brightest bulb to give you an old phone.🙄

I would tell him you've "lost" that phone as it has proof of the affair which your lawyer may use as leverage in negotiations.

He won't want his company being informed about this affair.

As other poster's have written, get back home and treble check your position.

You have also written that a couple of months would benefit you in your position.

Try and think a long game and put yourself in the best position you possibly can.

Think about how you will feel having secured yourself and your children a good deal, including pension.

Surely that thought can raise a smug, sly smile on your face for the holidays!
Don't let him see you coming.

Wishing you strength and the best.

I sent myself all the messages and told him I knew yesterday.
I also told him we are done.
He confirmed he slept with her and says it was a one-off.
I did check his phone and didn't find evidence that something is still going on.

But it doesn't matter. He cheated on me and lied about it. I wanted to buy some time as he is earning shitloads at the moment. And the londer we stay married, the more there is in the 'pot' for me to start afresh with (deposit on a house for example). But I can't continue to live a lie. It is draining and I have better things to do with my life.

I am going to enjoy the holiday. He was supposed to get a flight back with us to the town he is living and then we were going to take a connecting flight home. But he prioritised work and didn't book the flight until last minute. And then our flight was too expensive for his liking so he booked a later, cheaper one. So we will be leaving him at the airport in Mexico.
This situation is so typical for him. He prioritises the wring things and then ends up hurting himself and others.
Not my problem anymore though. I am done.

At least now it's out in the open maybe you can relax a bit more on holiday.

What a prat can't even get his flights sorted, as usual work comes first. Should have been prioritising DCs spending the extra time with them before you fly home. As you say not only is he hurting others but himself as well.

Enjoy Mexico

He’s vile and you deserve better. Come back home and build a new and better life for yourself. Book babysitters and start getting out to meet people. Screw him. Don’t leave kids with him though or you may never get them back to the UK!

He is not a bad person at heart. He was just brought up to believe achieving at work is all that matters. Or at least he is convinced about that. So his behaviour is vile and shitty. He as a person is not.

I hope for him that in essence losing his family will get him to realise he needs to change. I hope he finds hapiness once he does.

He have no problem leaving the kids with him. A) he really wouldn't use then to hurt me and B) kidnapping them would definetly cause him to loose his job.

He is in shock at the moment crying all the time. He says he feels very ashamed.

I am better prepared as for me the relationship was pretty much over anyway. This just accelerated the decision and made me totally lose respect for him.

He never talked to me about how he was feeling. He clearly dis talk to her though. Also, what a shitty woman to go hitting on her married boss with 3 kids.

Thank you all for the support. It helps to pen it down here. I have only told my mum and a few close friends.

youwhatnow I would really caution such certainty around how your husband will or will not behave. With only one exception where the split was mutual, every single woman I know who has said he would never do X,y,z has been proved wrong.

If he is a man who values his reputation and wants to be seen as an all round nice guy, there is every chance that eventually you will get the blame for this, and the accompanying anger.
As soon as you get any signals that he is not behaving as you predict, you need to protect yourself and work on the assumption that you are dealing with an arse who will screw you over and make your life as difficult as possible at every possible opportunity. I hope he isn't one of those, but it is more likely than not.
You might want to get him to agree to some things now whilst he is still feeling guilty and ashamed. As soon as this wears off he will maybe not be so amenable

Working on it Belleende. I have proposed that I stay in the house as that is the least disruptive to the children. He has agreed verbally.

Also, i have the proof of his affair with this girl which would get him fired. A little insurance in case he turns nasty. I hope to never need to use it though.

The turning it on me is a risk. However, i hope it can be an amicable split in the end.

His tears are about the family breaking apart and how it will affect the kids. He hasn't yet said anything about wanting me . It hurts but makes it so much easier to walk away.

I do wonder if he will now have thoughts of coming back to your home country for the sake of the children probably too late for you now it's starting to sink in what he's losing. Does he have a get out clause in his contract? If only he'd talked to you instead of OW.

Oh bugger. I'm sorry lass.

You sound strong enough to get through this. The is a better life for you.

How long ago was the affair?

He says just before xmas. From what I have seen it started in October. Imfrom a conversation with his sister I see that he had a talk with her about it not being what he wants in November. But he then also continued sending her pictures of his life (no nudes or anything).

They eork in the same company so I don't know what the chat history is on their IM tool.

To be honest, I am past the point of caring. I have felt quite insecure with him the last years. My fault is that I am openly critical of him when he does things in a way that I don't like of find inefficient. He is also critical of me but doesn't say anything. We are just no good together.

I am ready to be alone. I can't at the moment imagine wanting another relationship. I want the freedom to just be myself. Just a few more weeks and my new life can start.

Almost 2 years on and I am free. We signed the papers tonight. I am financially secure and am buying my own house.

It has been really hard as he got stuck 'home' for 8 months during the first lockdown. He is 'home' again now and my stress levels are unbrearably high. I can't wait to move to my own house.

So glad to hear that you are finally free.

Thank you!

I feel extremely sad to be honest. But excited at the same time. The financial negotiations have really taken their toll on me.

In the past years I have been open to the possibility of fixing the marriage, but in the end he was not interested. His career and money is what he values most in life.

I am heartbroken for the DC and feel sorry for him. For myself, I am a little scared. I know I am strong but a future bringing up 3Dc alone is daunting.

You did the right thing. This is all down to his behaviour. Glad you’re in a good place - enjoy your new hone!

I followed your post and j

Oops!
I followed your post and just want to wish you and your DC all the best 💐

Christ he’s pathetic isn’t he. Some people are beyond help.

OP you sound absolutely brilliant - clearly a strong woman, and a fantastic mum for your DC. I have no doubt you will build a wonderful future for yourself

It is 2 year after I first posted this thread. I am almost officially divorced and finalising the purchase of my own home tomorrow and moving on wednesday.
STBX is still living in the US. I came across him on a dating site (in my country?!?) where he is all about 'my kids are so important to me'. Urghh
I am still struggling with the sense of injustice at it all, but rattionally I realise I am better off this way.
Having the 3 DC almost full-time whilst working full-time during a pandemic is particularly rough though.
Onwards and Upwards right?

Glad things are levelling out for you and the kids. I remember this thread and thinking what a short sighted prick he was at the time.