I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

Heap the laundry on a chair, put wet stuff on the airer.. What about folding with dry stuff with dcs ?, dd can di the dusting...
Yay, almost done !!!

Please don't tell a small child you need her to do something she doesn't want to do with less fuss because you are poorly.

She's not saying she doesn't want to go to school or out shopping. She doesn't want to go and see the man who's meant to love her more than anything but is emotionally abusing her.

She is having to go atm however. Onit and her bf have had to carry her to the car. This is surely more distressing for her DD than not. She also knows Onit understands her distress and is working towards resolving it.

The reality is what it is. I also think that it would be better if she didn't have to go but she has to in tbe here and now.

There was no screaming but it was awful. DD was so upset. No tantrum. DS walked off down the street in the opposite direction and was crying too.
They both just resigned to it. It’s awful.
LCB sat in the car and said and did nothing while I coaxed them both in. Gave them hugs and kisses while they both sobbed. I expect he thought it was better.
It wasn’t.
We were at a friends house (to try and distract) and I left shortly after and cried on the way home.
The bf called from the road on his way up to see me and I sobbed as hard as DD did.

DS sent me a text this morning but it was very short.
DD for a few minutes just before her tea. She seemed ok but hard to tell in a text.

Just wanted to update.

Monday, please call whoever it is who can stop your children being forced to spend time with this abusive man.

Who is that, SunshineCake?

If they don’t go, not only am I in breach of a court order, I will lose my job as I work eow when they’re at his.
I wish I could change it and will suggest to my lawyer to argue for a temporary change which means he takes them for the day Saturday and Sunday but brings them home for bed both nights.
My friend made the suggestion yesterday and it seems like something the dc would go for. Not LCB obviously but I could give a fuck.

SunshineCake Would that it were so simple. It is not, this is not an isolated case.

Your friend's suggestion is something to follow up Onit. Small comfort, but this behaviour reinforces that ( despite everything) you are all better off with him away . His abusive, controlling behavior would have been far more damaging if you were still together. KOKO.

I was going to say I can't believe LCB did nothing to help get his children in his car, but actually I can.

What sort of parent sits by and watches their children sobbing and does nothing?

It must have been heartwrenching for you

I know it's very difficult. I'm coming at the angle of being a child. You got the court order at one time but now your children are suffering so it needs looking at.

Oh God, its misery for all 3
I can't see him bringing the DC home on sat pm & sun pm, it would mean 8 trips from/to his town.
Onit, is there any chance of you changing the days you work, for Mon to Friday. ?

Stay strong onit

If I could change my days I would but I work in retail. Mon-Fri contracts like hens teeth and school hours/term time unheard of.

However, it’s possible that with even more sick time, an unsympathetic boss and whatnot, it might become a moot point anyway.

I’m paralysed. I can’t make myself do anything. I need to call my boss. I need to call my lawyer. But first I need to make a list of all the things I want to discuss. My thoughts are so jumbled I can’t even focus on that. I need to call to cancel some subscriptions before the free trials are done. I need to call the doctors for a prescription. I need to shop for DD’s sleepover party on Saturday. And book the cinema.
Instead I’m just sitting here, dressed at least, but in yesterday’s clothes.

I have ordered the dc’s school uniform. He says he won’t pay for it.

Update.
Wrote that earlier I’ve had a shower and booked the cinema tickets. Phoned my boss and cried. Like she actually cares.
Also CMS called me. He’s applied now so our minute of agreement regarding all he said he’d contribute has been superseded.
He’s calculated his payment based on having 3 nights EOW and half the holidays. But they will calculate based on the court order which doesn’t specify holidays.
I’ve worked out from his calculation what his annual salary is now and used that figure to recalculate it based on the number of nights the court order specifies.
We will be worse off because of things like uniforms and trips, but actually, he will end up paying slightly more per month (£10 or so I think).

When we go back to court, hopefully the 3 nights will drop to 2. Not that that will affect this but will hopefully make the dc happier. Which is all I care about.

Can you ask the school about second hand uniform?

Well done for getting all that done. His " voluntary" conttributions were all about his continuing hold over you. He could stop at any time . Now he has, so that hold has gone. It also reduces interactions further between you which is also a good thing.

My DC's schools had an exhange/ buy sale at the end of term for uniform.

Maybe worth looking at some group support if possible, via WA or similar if you can find it. Talki g, even laughing with other women is a godsend sometimes. And I know you have the book but why not do FP online?

Sorry you are still in the thick of this quagmire, he really is a vile sorry excuse of a human, He knows what you earn, he knows how much you must struggle financially. this makes my piss boil.
You will survive this Onit. KOKO

You've got s fair bit done off your list there Onit-good going-especially when you are feeling a bit bleak.
Set yourself the challenge to cross one more thing off your list today and done. You can do it!

I met my friend earlier who made me eat. Homemade soup and bread then she asked me to walk with her to the supermarket. It’s a good half hour walk there and half hour back. About 4km in total. Got soaked in the rain but it was actually a nice feeling, the rain on my face.

I’ve written a rough list for the solicitor now too, so I can cross that off.

Thanks for the encouragement. It’s appreciated

Keep going Onit. You can do this

I will ask at school about uniform. Thanks for that. Should know but I’m forgetful at the moment x

Hope you have a good weekend onit x and are feeling a little better

Hope you have a lovely weekend Onit xx

Sending hugs your way x

Hi all
Hope everyone is doing ok.

Been a bit quiet the last couple of weeks just waiting for the Prozac to kick in.

Updates are maintenance is now going through the cms. His decision to apply. Didn’t want to tell me his salary which was pointless in the end because the cms obviously used it in their calculations and it’s in the paperwork. And because of the amount he earns, he’ll be paying £20 a month more which actually almost makes up for the uniform costs. It’s all good. Sure he’s not happy. Strangely, they didn’t just believe him when he said he had half the holidays and asked to see the his court order .

Court date set for the end of July.
He’s representing himself.
My solicitor is on holiday at the moment so I’ve held off speaking to him. Better to wait till nearer the time and save myself a bit of money.

Good to hear from you, and glad you are feeling a bit calmer.

Good news re the CMS. Both the increased payment, and that he has lost yet another of his control mechanisms. I expect he will be raging.

Hope prozac kicks in soon and KOKO.