I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thank you.

Feels very anticlimactic but, (cue Snow Patrol instrumental lol) given where this journey started, I’m pleasantly surprised that the feelings I have are apathy and disinterest.
Even though I feel those things pretty much whenever I have to think about him at all these days (which is thankfully not that often), I was still expecting some kind of emotional wave of something. Wasn’t sure if it would be elation or grief. Thankfully it’s neither end of that spectrum. I’m slap bang in the middle at neutral.

Cheers

[Wantingeverythingtobebetter]

I’m one of those posters who have name changed but followed you from the start.

sounds like your doing ok. Take care

[SoNotRainbowRhythms]

Congratulations ! On the divorce and on feeling indifferent towards him. Both are great cause for celebration

[Mix56]

Hoorah, excellent news!
Will the OW now get to fill the role as his legal wife? Be ready for this tsunami.
In the mean time, indifference is perfect

[Blinkingbatshit]

Oh just seen this @onitlikeacarbonnet - have followed since way back when but don’t even remember what username I was using at that point! I’m so pleased that you life is moving forward for the better and that bozo is out of your life. Keep on keeping on💪

[SunshineCake]

What a horrible pathetic man he still is. Your kids are awesome. That is down to you.

[Mix56]

hello Onit, Your thread came to mind over Xmas time again. I hope you've had a good life since the divorce came through !
How old are your Dc now ? Are they still going to their father's willingly?

[ICANTSPEYK]

I'm another who still thinks of you from time to time! Hope you and the DC's are settled and happy and had a lovely Xmas.

[piscofrisco]

And me!Hope all is well

[AgathaF]

And another here that thinks about you from time to time. I hope you're ok.

[redastherose]

@onitlikeacarbonnet how are you doing now?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hiya!
You guys are all so lovely and I very often think of you. And think of posting but never quite know what to say.
Time flies.
DD12 & DS14 now.
They’re both ok. DD is such a caring wee soul. She’s strong willed, opinionated, messy as hell, but kind and thoughtful too. Makes a good cuppa lol. But she’ll be a force to be reckoned with wherever she finds herself. She started high school last summer and has kept her friends from primary and made more.
DS has had a harder time of it. His last year of primary was during lockdown so he started high school with no transition. He’s in 3rd year now and it’s much better. He has a group of friends now. But it’s been awful. I’ve always suspected he has some SEN issues. Sensory things mostly but I’ve also always been concerned about his socialisation. It was highlighted when he started P2 but his dad was adamant it was nothing so school dropped it.
Anyway, I took him to the gp and spoke to school about 18 months ago and he’s been seeing a support worker at home for the last 8 months to help him deal with his anxiety. Just finished those and he seems a bit stronger now.
School put some things in place for him but he’s unlikely to get an official diagnosis as the waiting list is so long. Academically he’s doing great but I worry about when the workload increases next year.
I pushed the gp to just tell me what she thinks, she said his traits would suggest autism. I have a close friend who’s known DS since he was a baby and who’s own DS is like his best friend so she’s spent lots of time with him. She works with sen kids in her job and she agrees with the doctor.
I wish I could turn back the clock to primary 2 and change things. It makes me so sad and angry when I dwell so I try not too because it’s not helpful for DS or me.

Anyway, other than that life is pretty average I guess. I’m still with the guy I meet way back. Still working. Stopped seeing my counsellor a couple of years ago now.
Occasionally I step in the dogshit. That is to say I have a run in with the kids dad. Still all by email despite his continued efforts to meet face to face or when he most recently said he’d refuse to answer emails and would only communicate through WhatsApp. I told him WhatsApp was for my friends and family and if he continued to message me I’d block him. He’ll try again at some point I’m sure.
Hes still with OW. My DC hardly see her though. She has a full time job in teaching but also works on the weekends. Their kid is 6 in a few days. DD talks about him a bit. DS hardly mentions anything when he comes home. I sometimes wonder what goes on there, not because I’m interested in their relationship per se, just because it potentially affects my kids.
But as I said, interaction with LCB (god, haven used that in a while lol) is sporadic. Usually around holidays. But he has changed so much. Gone are the demands for half the holidays. Last summer he asked for 1 week on top of his weekends. He took them camping for a couple of days. He’d not asked to have them when he went to Spain in June or to London in July. Kids asked me why the first couple of times he did that but I said I honestly didn’t know. He’s done that a few times over the last couple of years so they don’t ask anymore.
He stopped seeing DS midweek when he started high school because the bell went 15 minutes after the primary school (which is 2 minutes away) and because DS went to football that day and would need changed into his kit and dropped off there at the end of contact time and it was inconvenient (I guess. He never really explained). He still saw DD and would take her swimming, out for pizza, etc. DS came home after school, had tea and I took him to football early so I could get back for DD being dropped off.
Not sure how that fucked with both kids heads to be honest. I’m sure it contributed to DS’s anxiety.
Now DD is at high school too they both go with him again. Though he attempted to drop that; first altogether, then to every other week. He told the kids they could just come home instead. Even if I was still at work.
He didn’t seem to grasp that he couldn’t do that. He seemed to think that because I sometimes leave the kids home alone, he could use my house when he doesn’t want to show up, for his own convenience.
For clarity, I do leave them home. Started doing it just before Dd started high school, initially just for 10 minutes when I popped to the shop to get them used to it. Worked up to very occasionally going to the gym, more recently once or twice when they’ve been sick with a cold and I’ve had to go to work; but only when I’m fully contactable, I can come straight home (I work 15 minutes away) and I know the neighbours are home, there’s food to eat, etc, etc…
He took it rather badly when I said he’d need to make alternative arrangements with someone other than me to put these types of contingency in place, because the kids were his responsibility during this time, not mine.
I’m sure that seems harsh now I’ve written it out but it’s taken me too long to draw boundaries and if I give an inch he still takes a mile.

I'm already dreading graduations etc. The kids know I have boundaries with their dad and as time goes on, when it’s necessary, I explain again in an age appropriate way. As I had to with the difference between me leaving them alone at home, and their dad using our house to leave them. As they didn’t see the difference either.

Anyway, as I said, normal life I suppose with a few bumps and bruises like everyone else.

I sometimes miss chatting through stuff with you, with my counsellor. My DP is really good at looking at stuff to do with LCB objectively but when I comes to my DC sometimes maybe I could use a wise woman or 2 like you. And I often wonder if I had stayed more active on this thread, if the outcomes would be better/different…

TL;DR it’s seven and a half years since thread 1. Everyone’s fed. No one’s dead. I’m still standing. And that’s in no small part down to you folks and the many others who supported me all these years. I still feel that support even if I don’t need it on a daily/hourly/minutely like in the beginning.
I love each and every one of you from my soul.
Thank you xxxxxxx

And don’t be a stranger. I’ll pop by again sometime to say hi too 🥰

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

@redastherose @AgathaF @piscofrisco @ICANTSPEYK @Mix56
sorry meant to @ you ❤️

[1fluffydoodle]

Lovely to hear your update, can't believe it's been more than 7 years since the original post.

[ArchieHarrison]

Wow! Onit how nice to “see” you and hear things are smoother :) so pleased to hear that you are still with your man too.

[macbethany]

great to hear! You are doing so well. Kudos to you!

(And I totally get the bit about needing to hold boundaries with exHs who are difficult for years. Even seemingly small boundaries. And also understand that you find it is hard to explain to other people (and DCs) who haven't been in the situation.).

[ASimpleLampoon]

Lovely to hear from you. I followed your threads from the start but have had a few namechanges. So happy to see you so strong x

[AgathaF]

So lovely to get an update and hear you're all ok. As you say, you're still standing. I'm glad you're with your fella still.

[KeziaOAP]

Lovely to hear from you Onit , was here from the start, can't believe it's been seven + years. I remember when you were off on first holiday with your guy so pleased still together .

[Mix56]

Yay, Onit !
Absolutely hold firm on the home territory, it's not harsh at all. LCB was, & visibly, still is a bully, of course it suits him to offload your kids to your house (whilst no- doubt critising you for leaving them alone) he pays nothing, organises nothing & the OW doesn't have to be involved, care, or babysit. For him its a Win, Win.
Your kids don't care, they would rather be at home alone, than with him or some care situation he sorts out.
So it's totally the correct decision, His time, His problem.
Keeping saying No, it's cathartic !

And after all that fighting for contact he now goes on holiday & doesn't take all 3 kids... I guess it was inevitable.
I'm delighted you are over him, over the hurt, surviving, solvent & still have your bf.
KOKO ! xx

[stormsurfer]

What a fabulous update! I often think of you from those first posts and can't believe it's been so long. So glad to hear things are working out for you.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to the rest of you lovely lot!!

I’m so full of warm and fuzzy feelings today after all these messages. What a great place this is.

One day I’ll go back and read it all from start to finish.
I know I’ve come a long way. I no longer get the fear when an email drops. More often than not it’s a “what now? 🙄” feeling.
I never would’ve believed I’d get there. But you lot did, god love you 🥰

[piscofrisco]

LCB! I'd forgotten that was our shorthand for him. What a great update! I'm sorry to hear DS has struggled a bit. But you sound like you are doing everything you can for him and he has the most important thing which is a great Mum to see him through. Lots of love to you all xx

[MadeForThis]

Great update. Glad you and the dc are happy!