I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.

I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.

But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.

Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211292-I-am-onit-hear-me-ROAR-occasionally

I am sorry to hear about your children's sadness and your pain. You are right about your dd showing her feelings in her behaviour and I think it's time to ask the teachers for more official help. I wish your ex would just disappear tbh. Your kids would be better off without him. No question.

Think of you onit x

So dd refused to go on Friday. The bf was here and in the end he carried her out to her dad. I couldn’t because of my back. Not sure what I would’ve done if the bf hadn’t got here earlier than usual. I gave her a kiss and walked back to the house. She was struggling with him and screaming. It was horrible. Seemed to go on forever. Probably only five minutes. She’d left something behind and the bf took it out. I didn’t want to let her see me as I thought she might get worse.
The bf came back in saying LCB wanted to talk to me. I went out and he was shaking and agitated. He said he had to leave immediately to pick up the baby from nursery. I suggested he leave her and come back for her the next morning. I spoke to dd and said that her dad could come for her in the morning before I went to work but that it would be be a grown up thing to do if she went now.
I managed to walk her to the car and get her belted in. She started crying again but I had barely got the door closed when he took off.

I got her home after school on Monday and we had a chat after tea.
She misses me. Wants me to tuck her in. Wants to come home on Sunday nights. Doesn’t want to stay more than a couple of days at a time with her dad. Nothing I didn’t know already.
I told her again I was trying to change the Sunday night. (Just waiting on an update from school about the dc and then my lawyer will file a motion to the court).

LCB sent a very detailed email about the weekend. He’d also spoken to her about her outburst, as he called it; several times. He got the same answer but he this is apparently not sufficient and there must be a better reason.
When she refused to discuss it with him or explain why he punished her (YouTube ban). Not because she didn’t want to go with him.

He tried again the next day. They’d gone swimming and she’d had a bit of a tantrum about getting changed (I always make sure she has a snack to ward off incidents like this. Hunger and tiredness are her flashpoints). They’d got back and she’d got changed and he tried to tell her this behaviour wasn’t acceptable and brought up what had happened at handover. She got upset about missing me again and wouldn’t talk to him and, because she hadn’t apologised about the earlier incident, he sent her to her room. She apparently shut the door in his face and knocked him over (I know I shouldn’t but I actual lolled ).
He was apparently in the huff with her because the gf went to talk to her after leaving her alone for 20 minutes. When he went to see her 20 minutes after that she was sleeping.
He spoke to her again on Sunday and afterward she was sent to her room and then chores.

I’m supposed to reply.

But I’m not sure what I can say.
His 7 year old daughter is acting pretty much like a 7 year old. She can’t explain her feelings in any depth because she’s 7. Not because she’s hiding anything. Though I wouldn’t blame her for not speaking freely with him because, unless she says what he wants to hear, she’s being naughty.

He doesn’t listen to her (or ds; or me) and it’s not surprising she’s showing extreme emotions.
She wants to come home on Sundays. He won’t allow it.
She doesn’t want to stay for a week at a time in the holidays. He demands 2 weeks.

What am I supposed to say?

She's 7? I can't believe that, I think I've lost track of time along the threads and I thought your daughter was nearly high school age. It's all about him isn't it? I'm sorry I have no real advice to offer but I wanted to add my support for you at a very difficult time. You have been a strong and consistent advocate for your children's needs throughout. Their needs.

Your ex husband is focussed on his wants. So selfish.

His behaviour is abusive imo. She is as you say, only seven.

Demanding explanations, punishments more appropriate for teenagers, banishing her to her room. He is a controlling, abusive bastard. I hope the OW is taking stock.

You should log it all with lawyer/ court, including his email (s). I would just send a reply confirming receipt of his email at this stage.

I agree MsP. His last few emails have been pretty much fiction. Gaslighting, deflecting, projection.
Quote of the year has to be from his last email when I was trying to sort out the holidays.
Of course it became about his opinion of me.
“It is a disservice to them to enforce a single parent environment that is of your own choosing”
At least now I’m learning to laugh at his ridiculousness.

Single parent environment - he didn’t choose to have an affair??

I’m really sorry that your lives are blighted by this horrible man.

I was about to say what Post said,
single parent by choice, because he fucked off with your bf....

You know no response is the best response.
or reply with your own words

^Your 7 year old daughter is acting pretty much like a 7 year old. She can’t explain her feelings in any depth because she’s 7. Not because she’s hiding anything. Though I wouldn’t blame her for not speaking freely with you because, unless she says what you wants to hear, she’s being naughty.
You don’t listen to her (or ds; or me) and it’s not surprising she’s showing extreme emotions.
She wants to come home on Sundays. You won’t allow it.
She doesn’t want to stay for a week at a time in the holidays. You demand 2 weeks.^

He's really Losing it isn't he?
I think because with him it's all about ego and winning. He won't like that currently your 7 year old seems to be happier with you and is indicating that she'd rather be with you on time that should be 'his'. He will take that personally because he seems to have a lack of understanding about how 7 year olds think-and because he has a total lack of awareness about the effects of his own behaviour-he ego wouldn't allow that.

The other thing needling him is that you haven't collapsed. You seem happy without him. That won't do for him will it? He needs to win. He's probably a bit jaded as the novelty of the ow and the newborn has worn off. He might even miss his other kids and his old life a bit. Which will annoy him and he will take that out on you.

I had similar-so that whenever anything good happens for me, exh will either respond with a bit of awkwardness about arrangements for the girls, or he'll start trying to cosy up to my friends, or he'll start slating me to mutual friends, or there'll be a nasty message here and there-a notable example was when we were away on holiday last year and were going to be late back by 5 hours-my mistake I'd got the flight times wrong which I apologised for. The amount of vitriol I received was crazy. (And in the event we were back a bit earlier and he didn't want to see the girls anyway as he'd gone out ).
It's very hard but you have to learn to try to ignore it.

I would suggest a reply saying that you understand that it May be hurtful that dd doesn't seem to want to spend as much time with him right now as he would ideally like-but that that's the way 7 year olds think sometimes-it's likely to change in the future and you will continue to encourage her ongoing relationship with him and abide by any court orders etc but you will ultimately work to support her decisions and what is practical in terms of school etc.
It's always going to be a moveable feast and he needs to get his head around that. What works for the kids now might not work next year, as they get older, or have out if school stuff they do, or when older still, are more independent and want to see their friends without either of you. So being dictatorial to this extent now is pointless really.
And I wouldn't be able to resist adding that you never wanted to be a single parent-that was his decision and one that you've and the kids are still trying to adapt to.

& maybe, add, doesn't he think that forcing a 7 year old to go to him clearly against her wishes will damage their relationship long term.
She will see it as a punishment

He wants to engage you. The briefest of replies avoids you being sucked into his games. It also reinforces his lack of control over you now.

I think you may continue to see sadly a difference in his attitude/ behaviour towards your DD as opposed to your DS. LCB is deeply misogynist imo.

Both dc are growing up to be very different from each other. But they’re both emotional in different ways. And that will not please LCB. DD is strong willed and opinionated. She has a very short temper and will cry with anger and frustration. She will not do anything she doesn’t want to.

DS is sensitive and cries over things his dad would think silly. Bigger worries he holds inside until he can’t hold it anymore. I’m sure this is why his constipation has recurred.
He often goes along with things and then he breaks down later because he hates confrontation. He’s also not sporty in any sense and that will be (is) a huge disappointment to LCB.
DD has tons of natural sportiness but no focus now that she doesn’t do any classes.

Anyway, my response has gone.
It was as brief as I could be.
Bit of a broken record otherwise and only the facts. No emotion.

I’ll update once I have a reply.

DD is adamant she’s not going on Friday. Every time her dad is mentioned she plants her feet and says “I’m not going!”

Please don't make her go.

She's not a toy for him to show off his daddy studness shit.

It is causing her pain. Make up D & V if you have to but don't force her to spend time with this bully.

Your choosing? How terrible you didn't deign to stay married t9 this cheating bullying controlling pathetic man.

Did she go Onit ?
Is he going to physically carry her to the car with her screaming every other week ? Maybe you should film it & show it to your solicitor, DV police contact ??? surely there must be a way to stop this ?

Can someone please give me a quick summary of what has been going on? Because I have a feeling as my life falls apart around me as my dh continued his affair I am going to need to read all the feisty women posts I can get.

I’m just finishing my break at work but yes, Mix I carried her out of the house and it took 30 minutes to get her into his car.
I walked away after I handed her over but I had to go and help after a few minutes as I was concerned about her. She was trying to run up the street.

There’s been more stuff which I’ll catch you up on soon.

I obviously want her to want to go and I’ll work with DD to figure out if that’s even possible. But I will also speak to my solicitor on Monday. I’m absolutely not doing that again. Even if it costs me my job.

You obviously want her to go ? apart that you can go to work without child care, I would say she shouldn't go if its traumatizing her & LCB is only having her because it ticks a box.

And you have a bad back, you cannot carry her anywhere, he is not coming into your house.... I wonder what the fuck he has done to make her so miserable.

Oh god not that must have been beyond traumatic for you both.
Why the fuck did he not say she could stay home this time on seeing how upset she was?

I can’t keep up.
3 years later you’d think it’d be easing up but it’s fucking relentless!

Summer holiday negotiates have resulted in a textbook example of emotional blackmail, deflection and gaslighting.
I wish I could c&p it.

He agreed to pay for school uniforms in our financial settlement and as it’s that time of year I asked for his contribution.
Alongside that I asked for details of his annual salary. I’d been advised to ask him in the first instance by the CMS to avoid the admin charge for them to request it from his employer.
This has resulted in him refusing to contribute to anything. No clubs (which have all been stopped by him anyway), no school trips and no uniform.
He has also re mis calculated his maintenance payment and as of next month he will cut this payment by 20%.
(Even if he’s calculated the weekly amount correctly, which I doubt as it means he’s earning £5k a year less than 3 years ago, he thinks his monthly amount is 4x the weekly calculation)
Using his salary of 3 years ago he’d be underpaying by £85 pm.
He even added that he would not pursue redress on the last 3 years overpayments.
I’d like to c&p that too.

I contacted my solicitor this morning to give the go ahead for lodging the motion with court regarding weekend contact.

I’ll update and add some excerpts for from the latest correspondence after counselling today.

Prick. This is all he has now in terms of control now. You've gone, and he must be aware he is/ will be losing his grip on the DC. Remind yourself of this.

Ate you sending a copy to your lawyer for info?

Can you just go to CMS. Then it takes away from his control, and one less thing he can use to abuse you with.

I went to CMS for advice regarding his maintenance purely because of the erosion of all the activities stopping.
I also anticipated he would try to remove the contributions elsewhere.
I could only provide details of his salary from when we separated and the advice was to ask him directly.
He has taken that as the go ahead to supersede the financial agreement. I will need to look at the document to see if he can do that arbitrarily. I think he can if the one of us involved the CMS however, I asked advice, nothing more.

My counselling has been cancelled so I’m off home to call the CMS back.

You may as well do it all formally now. He will have to pay that way, and there is no point in him paying more via a private arrangement if he can ( and will ) stop it whenever he wants. This is another string to his bow, financial abuse.

Did you have any luck accessing the FP btw?

The FP programme doesn’t run in my area MsP
I’ve read the book and have it bookmarked on my kindle.
I refer to it regularly, especially when his letters make me doubt myself and my motives.
But today I’m actually angry and have decided not to respond as I understand my anger (or any emotional response) is what he wants.
I have worked hard with help from the bf, my counsellor, and all the advice from here, to only communicate in as brief, informative, friendly (still find this difficult) and firm a manner as I can.
In these cases, I might have written a couple of hundred words; a couple of paragraphs.
His responses are 3 times the length and full of bile and accusations. He accepts responsibility for nothing, as proved by the single parent comment.