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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband completely loses it when I have my period

313 replies

Moosmum1 · 18/03/2019 22:54

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

OP posts:
RedForShort · 19/03/2019 15:23

Bubba1234 whats your excuse for such a pathetic patronising post? Your inability to comprehend the OP - it seems you don't even comprehend the inconsistency to your own answer.

The OP hasn't asked for tips on how to have sex during her period. She's having a man shout and sulk because she doesn't want to. To help you grasp the situation, your "If she dsnt want to do have sex then simply don’t" advice is exactly the issue. She can't simply not.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 19/03/2019 15:41

Do you really want to be married to someone who enjoys fucking someone when he knows they don't want it?

Nc1548 · 19/03/2019 15:46

Wow OP if anything your update made it sound worse. It's really upsetting to read.
You had sex while in pain "because it's important to him"? And he actually went ahead with it??
What about you?? Is your wellbeing not important?
And you have to pretend to "make it count"? Because you have a bloody quota?
There is absolutely nothing in the whole wide world this man could do to make him appealing to me, he can throw in cooking and dishwasher as well. He shows a total lack of care and respect for you, that is not right.

pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 15:50

Counselling does not work with abusers. They use it to validate their abuse. And make no mistake, he's abusive. Who the fuck has sex with someone when they know it's hurting them? A rapey fuckwit. So he pulls his own weight in life, that's what he's supposed to do as an adult. This is so sad. Yet another woman conditioned to put up with an abuser for an easy life.

sighrollseyes · 19/03/2019 15:55

Poor you! Sounds like an idiot!
Me and DH definitely don't have sex 2-3 times a week! Think he's doing pretty well out of you if there's a 5 day window without! My hubby would be over the moon at that lol!

applesarerroundandshiny · 19/03/2019 15:58

OP could I just ask you when you say he is older than you, what ages are you, and is this by a lot? Do you both work outside the home full time? (Just trying to set context in my own mind)

JohnnyHatesJazz · 19/03/2019 16:00

OP, he's treating you like his own personal wank sock. Just a receptacle for him to ejaculate in to.
So unattractive and abusive. LTB.

Whyisitsodifficult · 19/03/2019 16:00

Maybe your ‘d’h needs to read some of these replies? Your body your rules. Do you have a daughter? How would he feel about her being treated like this? My sex drive has taken a big dive, age related and just knackered but my husband never moans about it. I feel guilty because I know he would like more sex but he is understanding and takes what he gets! Good luck op you deserve more understanding and respect from him.

bobstersmum · 19/03/2019 16:01

Absolute knob. When will these been realise that they'd get more sex if they treated women better and didn't act like sex is their right!

burritofan · 19/03/2019 16:07

Your update makes me so sad for you. I can't imagine the pressure of mandatory 2-3 times a week sex: and it is mandatory if the good parts of the relationship are predicated on you keeping up your end of this hideous Faustian bargain.

I haven't had sex since I got pregnant last July and I can't imagine DP saying a word about it, let alone him being able to power through sex if I was in pain, whatever reassurances I gave; let alone him then sulking afterwards that it didn't "count".

Your husband is so far from being normal and all the charm, housework and other people calling you lucky in the world can't change that.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 19/03/2019 16:18

FFS will posters stop telling abused wives to get their husbands to read the thread. What makes you think an abusive man is going to listen to a group of strangers rather than the woman he is supposed to love. Bad advice. Stupid advice. Dangerous advice.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/03/2019 16:30

I agree GetStrong, I've read threads before where the OPs abusive partner have voiced hatred for MN - they know it's where women get support and advice (to thankfully ltb) and they're threatened by it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 19/03/2019 17:02

I am finding OP’s updates some of the most depressing I have ever read .

yumyumpoppycat · 19/03/2019 17:07

I bet your husband was lying or deluded about his previous partners.

AnyFucker · 19/03/2019 17:08

Sexual coercers do not make good dads.

pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 17:10

I bet your husband was lying or deluded about his previous partners.

They usually are. My sex pest ex was. Boak!

Gobblebox · 19/03/2019 17:11

He needs counselling. AwfulFlowers

Jolonglegs · 19/03/2019 17:20

Oh dear this is so sad OP, I'm really upset by all this. Surely his behaviour is totally abnormal and unacceptable. You shouldn't have to put yourself through this, periods are bad enough without enduring him as well. Perhaps I'm lucky as DP just accepts the situation.

MMama18 · 19/03/2019 17:25

OP please do not show your husband this thread, that is very bad advice. Even the most reasonable and decent man would probably not be happy about their OH writing a post about how unreasonable she thought he was, not to mention none of us have been particularly nice about him. He has a short temper and reading that a bunch of strangers have been telling you he’s a rapist is dangerous, he can’t hurt us, you’re the only one he’d take it out on.
Your update has only made things worse I’m afraid, I would rather my DH did absolutely f all in the house but respected me and my rights to my own body. The fact that he was having sex with you, knew it was hurting you, was still able to gain pleasure from it and then complained that it didn’t count - makes me want to be physically sick - that has all the components of a rape, but you’re defending him as ‘a good dad’ and your relationship is great when your having all the sex he wants you to have. You should not be defending this man, you should be defending yourself and your children from him.
The fact that you are probably going to have to go home to him demanding sex from you tonight after reading all these comments today, I don’t know how you could bear to have him near you.
Seek counselling for him if you feel you have to OP but I would be surprised if it will help. If I were you I’d have a back up plan in mind to get you and your kids away if necessary. He listens to your refusals now and sulks and shouts like a petulant man-child but one day he might not, he clearly thinks he owns you regardless and I honestly worry for your safety.
LTB.

Grumpelstilskin · 19/03/2019 17:30

Feck me, I would put some anaphrodisiac in his tea!

NerdyBird · 19/03/2019 18:05

OP you've said he doesn't enjoy sex when you're not enjoying it but he clearly DOES enjoy it because otherwise why is he pressuring you into it? He is getting something out of it whether it's the physical feeling of sex or the feeling of having control over you.

This must all be very overwhelming but really this is not normal behaviour on his part, and you deserve to be treated much better than this.

GabsAlot · 19/03/2019 18:10

he take the kids to school-thats nice for him so do millions of other dads but they dont shout at their partners for sex either

like i said before what would happen if you could never have sex again would he stay

FrozenMargarita17 · 19/03/2019 18:14

Oh op :(

TheInvestigator · 19/03/2019 18:20

He's got you well trained to think that what he's doing isn't wrong or abusive. You actually believe you owe him this, even when you're in pain.

I very much hope you take a step back and think about this.

Smotheroffive · 19/03/2019 18:39

Have you come across the expression 'sex pest' OP?

If this was your DD sasaying her partner was forcing her to have sex, wwyd? And before you say, he's not 'forcing me' he actually is mentally forcing and coercing you.

He's doing that by throwing moods and tantrums, only he's not a child and they are designed to intimidate you into doing as you are told.

You being in pain is upsetting to everyone else, but not to him.

He doesn't care if you are in pain.

Men who treat women like this are linked with highly dangerous behaviour, so never show him any of your complaints or unhappiness about him.

You should not have sex 2-3 times every week unless you are actively seeking this yourself.

If he didn't want sex, when would you next approach him for it, would it be now, or next week/month?

How can you enjoy sex that's painful. I would be concerned about you having an sti, if sex is hurting or pid, and worth getting a quick test from the gp.

Please know you do not have tonhavebsex unless you are feeling that you want to. You don't exist to service his demands.

You can say no, and he can sort himself out. His sexual gratification is absolutely not your responsibility.

I feel so sad that he has been doing this to you for so long that you have normalised it so effectively.