My husband completely loses it when I have my period

[Moosmum1]

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

I’m so sorry love. He is a sexual bully. You are in an abusive relationship. No decent man would behave this way.

LTB

My husband sorts lunches, uniforms, play dates and he does the school run but my favourite thing about him is that he isn’t a rapist. Those other things do not make up for the rape and the emotional abuse. Sorry, OP.

I feel so sad OP reading your update. Sex isn’t a right. Between two people it should be fun, enjoyable, exciting etc etc. I would leave him as I would feel I was being raped when we had sex.

He sounds horrible! I wouldnt feel any affection for a partner who shouted at me for having a period.

Jesus not normal behaviour at all !!

I have no advice. Similar shit goes on in my house.

This would cause issues for me too, so perhaps have a plan of how often and when you’d both be happy to have sex, otherwise this problem will escalate.

He is raping her now, he knows he hurts her, he knows she doesn't want to and coerces her. Op knows exactly how much he's happy to have because he turns into a cunt when he's not getting two to three times a week. So two to three times a week is what he's happy with and op once a week and he will guilt, manipulate and coerce his wife to get it. The only plans she should be making is to get as far away from her raping husband as possible

mumoftinyterrors
This is awful criminal shit going on. Please evidence your lives and make safe plans to get a better life for yourselves.

This is one violence that men perpetrate more than others, even in the absence of others, in abusive relationships.

Call Rape Crisis and Women's Aid to get support for the awful experiences you are living through

These 5 statements are proof that he is abusive. In each of these situations you did not consent, you were sexually coerced and gave in out of fear of the consequences. Sexual consent should be whole hearted and joyful. Sexual pleasure should be mutual and freely given and received.
THIS ^^

OP
He doesn't enjoy sex when he knows I am not enjoying it, if anything things are worse after those occasions as he feels they 'don't count'
This so-called man thinks you owe him some sort of enthusiastic 'performance' and if he doesn't get it he thinks he is being cheated.

You are nothing to him but a potential provider of DIY porn.

Most decent men wouldn't be having sex if they thought their partner wasn't enjoying it. He has crossed so many lines here. What you are experiencing is rape.

Thank you MNers, I have just finished the thread and fully appreciate the responses.

Many years ago I joined a pg group chat when I found out I was pg with my first DC. I was a newbie and another poster said that her DH was furious with her because due to her morning all day sickness, she didn't feel up to sex. I wrote in to say that of course she didn't have to. There then ensued a pile on from the rest of the women telling me off and telling her that she needed to consider his feelings and to just allow him to use her and think of something else lie back and think of Briton I was sickened and had to leave the group. How could they think that was the normal response? I worried about her for so long after that, she received no support.

Dear Op I really hope you find a way to live the best life for yourself and your children. There has been lots of great advice on this thread. Your feelings and your sense of worth are very important, do not allow anyone to trample all over them.

I bet his exes also got coerced to have sex during their periods. Not many women want to have sex at that time. And you only have his word for it, so of course he's going to say they didn't mind, so that you feel like you're the one being unreasonable.

Nothing else he does, redeems the fact that he's a rapist. As AcrossThePond said above, coercive sex is still rape. Your update sickens me, and you need to leave him. A broken family is infinitely better than an unbroken family, where the father rapes the mother on a regular basis.

This is one of the most depressing threads I've read. He's grooming everyone into thinking he's a top dad/husband when really behind closed doors (bedroom) he's a vile piece of shit.

Listen up, OP.

You need to start clawing back the public parenting role he has edged you out of. You need to be at the playgroups and library story time and out there in the playground and you need to show up at the school. You need to talk to people and be friendly and positive. Behind the scenes you need to get the uniforms ready and make the lunches and all the rest of it.

Let him keep on doing the washing up and the hoovering. He won't have an audience for that and he won't be able to use it in any future child custody argument.

He is not doing all of that childcare stuff because he is a 'great father' or out of the goodness of his heart. He is doing it so that he will have a reputation among everyone you know and your fellow parents in the community and at school as a great father. This will have several effects, all of which are bad for you.
1 - he may fight to take full custody or shared (50-50) custody of the children. Or threaten you with this based on his record of taking care of the children. So muscle in. Do you want a rapist taking care of your children?
2 - the reputation of being a 'great father' doesn't take much because men are given far more credit than women are for the same work, and if he has been playing this role publicly it will make a huge impression on many people he has contact with. If you decide to leave it will be hard for you to establish a community of support and friendship around you because he will have bamboozled almost everyone into thinking he is such a catch.

Mathanxiety is right.

This is chilling to read.

Your DH is clever enough to know that forums such as MN always suggest to men to up their domestic contribution if their goal is to "earn" more sex from their wives.

You are giving in through guilt and you even have to fake your enjoyment knowing full well if the mask slips and he sees you wince in pain the rape won't be counted and it will make him angrier with you and you will be forced to repeat it "properly" ie without revealing how much pain or discomfort or how much you are suffering .

You dread coming home, you dread the pestering, you dread the intimidation.

This is not good for your mental health op.

It's rare that a post shocks me but this certainly does.

OP, my husband is crap at school bags and lunches, and drop offs and parties. If he does anything it's because I tell him to, and he'll ask for "Idiot's Guide"- type instructions in order to do it. It's a real bugbear in our marriage.

However, I'd take that any day over what you are suffering through. There is a difference between "maintenance" sex in a marriage (www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/19/sex-schedulers-meet-couples-diarise-love-lives) and coercion, and from your OP, what you're experiencing is the latter.

I'm most shocked by his telling you that sex you've had "didn't count" if you aren't enjoying it. Because 1) He therefore recognises you don't enjoy it and carries on regardless 2) He believes you should put on a performance for him in bed irrespective of your feelings or even physical pain. Please read that back again. That's just awful. Wouldn't you rather do a few play dates yourself than face that every month?

That is shocking

OP, I hope you're ok and that you're taking all these comments on board.
I'm a woman with a high sex drive but if for one minute I thought my partner didn't want to for whatever reason I'd completely respect that. Part of the turn on for me is knowing that he is turned on too, I can't imagine having sex with someone who didn't willingly want to participate 😞
Reading your last update made me really sad, you've normalised this behaviour and as everyone keeps telling you - it's really, really not normal.

I really hope you can get yourself away from this situation

He is funny and charming, and when things are going well with us (i.e. we are having sex at least twice a week for a given period of time) our relationship is amazing, we are perfect for each other in that way.

You mean, when your placating him and walking on egg shells (some would say behaving and towing the line) to keep him happy. He does what he should be doing anyway?

Op I was you, it took me 5 years of being out of it to recognise it for what it is. I wouldn’t have used the R word as I didn’t struggle, I didn’t say no (those times). Now I do recognise it, and call it rape. It’s coercion, control and manipulation to get what they want, it’s learnt behaviour on our part to comply to keep the peace as it’s easier.

I’d put money these “willing ex’s” just complied too.

Keep safe op x

To get perspective think about how you you feel if your brothers or your grown up sons and nephews behaved like this with their partners. Or how you would feel if your sisters or grown up daughters and nieces were treated this way.

This is wrong and does not happen in most relationships.

Christ on a bike. No, this is not normal behaviour.

Moosmum, if it was always me that initiated sex, my bf and I would have less sex than he do. My sex drive is actually pretty high, but his is higher. I'm a believer in "I'm not turned on right this minute, but let's have a kiss and see what happens" - that is, I don't always wait until I actively fancy sex before starting to "make out" or whatever you like to call it. I want to make an effort to please him.

Even going that far, I sometimes look at myself and think that I need to watch out and make sure I'm not just having sex to please him, as that would not be a healthy relationship. As it happens, he's a generous lover and does turn me on even if I might not have been gagging for it beforehand. And if I am not turned on, he stops immediately. But I feel like a woman needs to be careful with my "let's have a kiss" approach.

You have gone several steps further. You're not just doing it to please him. I don't believe that. Not when you're in pain. You're telling yourself that because you're looking for a reason why you might have sex when you actively do not want to, and you don't like the other possible explanation.

The embarrassment / awkwardness that you feel when telling anonymous strangers exactly what goes on between you - the reason why you wouldn't want anyone close to you to know about this - is because it's not right.

Please come back if you can op

OP we hope you are ok.

He put his sexual 'needs' before yours, worse so, when you were pregnant and carrying his child. He knew you were in a lot of pain and went ahead.

It doesnt matter that you said it was ok. He went ahead. In what state would you have to be in for him to put you first or to even consider your needs? Near death? What if you were terminally ill? HE DIDN'T CARE THAT YOU WERE IN PAIN. he didn't care.

This is so seriously chilling OP, he is an abuser and has serious problems that HE needs to fix. He is not a superman or any other things people you know say about him because he does school runs. He is an abuser, hiding behind a mask. Please please don't just drop this and let it slide, this is VERY serious. And insecure, selfish men are very dangerous.

Maths anxiety is right. And to be honest he doesn’t even have to do as much as he’s doing - my rapist has my child whom I have not seen nor spoken to in nearly two years despite him not having seen our child for several years. All he had to do was wear me down, wait for me to be vulnerable, and then turn on the charm and victim card with the social services whilst painting me as a mentally unwell liar. Worked like a charm for him.