My husband completely loses it when I have my period

[Moosmum1]

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

Sorry to hear this. His hang up about sex seems to stem from insecurity. If you don't have sex '2 or 3 times a week' then your relationship is 'in trouble'. I wonder where he's got that idea from? If you could divest him of that idea (perhaps through counselling? Would he agree to go to Relate or something similar?), that might solve your problem. Don't give up on your marriage yet!

Oh dear, OP! As you're only too well aware, your DH's behaviour is inappropriate for an adult. It's the sort of thing that might occur with a very young, inexperienced person - who should then be told in no uncertain terms that it is not the way to behave in an adult relationship.

I am astonished that a mature man, married for 10 years, would behave in such a childish and inconsiderate way towards his wife!

He reminds me of a teenage boy trying to persuade his girlfriend for sex for the first time - "Come on, everyone's doing it … if we don't then it's not normal". I wonder why he thinks that unless you have sex several times a week you have a problem with your relationship. What is his yardstick? Does he really believe this rubbish?

I don't know what the answer is but no, his behaviour is not normal.

My Ex used to get really grumpy and snide when we weren’t having enough sex according to him. It’s not nice at all and one of the reasons I look back and think, thank goodness I left him. It ruined sex for me for a while.

You are totally right to be pushing back and saying that this is not something that is acceptable. Is the rest of your relationship pretty good? Is it worth fighting for? If that’s the case try counseling or ask him to go to counseling to sort it out?

He's not going to die if he doesn't have sex for a few days a month. That would completely turn me off ever having sex with him. Grim behaviour from him.

However much you feel he is a great dad etc etc etc, the fact that you actually dread going home should speak absolute volumes to you - nobody should be made to feel like that - it's not normal. How would you respond if it was your daughter in years to come - you need to stop making excuses for him

My husband is so similar to this. We used to have a very active sex life before I had a difficult pregnancy and then had a traumatic birth. It was about 4 weeks postpartum that the comments started about whether we would ever have sex again. I dreaded when he would start trying to initiate sex and he would sulk, moan and make nasty comments if I said I was tired or was on my period. It was very painful when we first started having sex after the baby and it got easier but I would worry it would hurt which then made me not want to have sex. When I go for my contraception injection he says things why bother, we don't have enough sex for you to get pregnant.
When he is drunk, sex seems to last forever and I get really sore and I am sore all the next day.
Reading all these responses makes me realise that this behaviour hasn't been normal. These days I do enjoy sex but I never think to initiate it, it seems like my libido has just dropped. Before people tell me to leave him, I am not going to. Just wanted to tell the OP that she is not alone.

That's disgusting, and no, in no way is that normal behavior. He obviously has some serious problems, to be treating you that way. The fact that you've discussed this with him and he's still being such a pest and a jerk about it... Not good.

If he can't see that he's being unreasonable and then "snap out of it" on his own, he might benefit from speaking to a therapist-- but I'd be surprised if he's open to such a suggestion.

So after he had the snip and was feeling 'delicate', were you pestering him for sex?

I wonder how he views his behaviour in light of all the recent media stuff on emotional abuse and coercion? Does he think (like a lot of people) that abusers are constantly abusive and never 'nice' so therefore he cannot be abusive, as he 'helps round the house' or has a lovely singing voice? (or whatever bullshit he wants to tell himself)

I would ask him when he shouts and sulks what is his goal? Is it to coerce you into sex? If so does that mean he's happy to have sex knowing you don't want it and are being bullied into it? He knows there is a word for that right? How does he feel knowing that is him? Does he care?

Being forced to have sex when you don't want it is like rape to me.

It is rape.

So sad to read of all the other women on this thread who are married to these abusive dickheads.

I briefly had one of these lousy boyfriends and even though I do have a high sex drive, he put me off sex for months after I dumped him. Should have dumped when he volunteered 'I don't mind having sex on your period' without even asking me what I felt.

Gawd, he was exhausting! Just killed my libido cold with his permanently erect dick and drawing attention to it like I should be impressed he could get a hard on. He was so boring! And the sex! It always had to be 69 for foreplay because he wasn't the sort to give pleasure without getting something in return.

Then he'd just go and go and go, like a piston.

So glad I dumped him.

Counselling doesn't work with a man who is abusive. They don't change because ultimately he and Cock are always the great I Am. He sees nothing wrong with this and instead you are the one at fault.

You are allowed to be at the end of your tether and to leave him and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour/sexual abuse and to tell him you're not interested in having sex with him ever and that pestering and coercion are a form of domestic abuse and domestic abuse is a crime.

I think it's amazing you're having the amount of sex you are!

I couldn't think of anything worse than having sex during my period. Awful. Makes me feel awful and ill. Luckily my dh hasn't never wanted to either. He does bring me a paracetamol and a hot water bottle though (and washes my pyjamas).

My dh is 52. I think seeing that your dh is 'older' too I'm surprised at his childish reactions to your very normal, unconditional bodily functions.

I'd find it hard to forgive his childish sulks I'm afraid. What a turn off.

This man has no respect for women and considers them as less than. That embedded belief will affect your children, both the sons and daughters.

He also has no self-respect. A man with self-respect would be ashamed that he was not able to attract his partner into bed, and instead had to coerce her into having sex with him.

Bracey56 if you're not going o leave your husband at least make it that the last time he bullied you for next was the last time he got away with it and the last time you had unpleasant sex because he was pissed was also the last time it will happen. __consider leaving him if he carries on--

Pls a re correct that the period is a red herring.

He's not flying off the handle because you've got your period. He's flying off the handle because you are saying NO

And I'm disgusted that someone has suggested you submit and just do it in the shower. You absolutely shouldn't have sex you don't want to appease a bully and it's shit advice.

As I said before coerced consent isn't consent. You don't have to answer but the sex you're having two to three times a week, is it sex you want or sex you're having to avoid him being angry with you?

It's worth adding that it isn't a dreadful thing for a person to feel unhappy that their partner is less interested in having sex than they are. The problem starts when the partner who doesn't want sex starts showing resentment and putting pressure on the reluctant one, because the sex gets less and less enjoyable and the relationship more and more poisonous.

It's also the case that, sometimes, men who are constantly pushing for sex don't actually want sex. If they always ask at inappropriate times, or refuse to listen to any suggestinos the woman makes about how she would like to be approached for sex, or how she would like him to touch her or whatever then it's not sex the man wants. His aim is to annoy and upset the woman and put her in her place - she's there for his convenience and needs to learn compliance. WHen you do have sex, OP, does he show any interest in whether it's good for you?

OOops, lost the thread there - the partner who wants sex puts pressure on the other one, of course

Seriously will you all calm down it was a suggestion for the op.
If she dsnt want to do have sex then simply don’t.
If her husband is abusing or raping her she should go to the police.
If he is just being narky then tell him to fuck off annoying you.
Every man on mumsnet is an abuser it seems.
As for the handmaid thing the exaggeration of people on this need to cop on reporting me for making a suggestion.
Sex is horrible on your period I agree. If she dsnt want to that’s the end of it.
I regret coming on mumsnet this morning people get way too worked up as if I was like lie down and let him do what he wants no that’s not what I was saying people get so worked up over these threads.

Period sex is fine, if both people actively want it. Bullying someone at any time of the month for sex they don’t want is unacceptable, and yes, it is abusive.

OP your DH isn’t normal, and the way he treats you isn’t alright. Being constantly pestered for sex is horrible. I was married to man who was very similar and my skin would crawl every time he proudly waved his erection at me, or put his hands on me. Sex is not a right. Expecting your partner to submit to being fucked whenever you command is not the sign of a good man. This isn’t really the example you want your DC to grow up with, and even if they don’t see or hear the sex stuff, which seems unlikely if he shouts, the message that women are little more than spunkdumps will be transmitted in other ways. You deserve better than this, and I know that because every woman deserves better than what you’re getting.

Good luck. I won’t say LTB even though that’s what I’m thinking, because life isn’t that straight forward, but you shouldn’t have to put up with this abusive behaviour, and I’ll say it again, it is abusive behaviour.

Wow, that was a lot more responses then I thought I would get!

To answer all of your questions... when I say he 'picks up the slack at home' I don't mean he washes a couple of dishes, he really is very hands on, other then the cooking and the dishwasher he pretty much does everything, always has. We have somehow adopted the opposite roles (traditionally speaking). He does the play dates, gets the uniforms ready, deals with the school/nursery, sorts breakfasts and packed lunches every day... on paper he is perfect, and I'm reminded of it by absolutely everyone we come into contact with. He is funny and charming, and when things are going well with us (i.e. we are having sex at least twice a week for a given period of time) our relationship is amazing, we are perfect for each other in that way. His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. We have similar interests, always find things to talk about. And excluding the obvious, he really is a great dad. He puts the children before everything else, spends his whole Saturday ferrying them around to various clubs, is always arranging play dates for them and attending the birthday parties.

When I was pregnant with our first sex wasn't really an issue, we lasted about 4 weeks post partum before we tried, and that was after some comments from him, but I wanted to try to keep him happy. Whilst pregnant with our second I found sex incredibly painful. During this time I buckled down and put up, he knew I was in pain, but I assured him that I was ok with it because I know how important sex is to him. Whilst I may have sex with him when I don't particularly want to, I don't feel like I am forced to, I opt to for an easier life sometimes.

He doesn't enjoy sex when he knows I am not enjoying it, if anything things are worse after those occasions as he feels they 'don't count'. I feel ridiculous even writing that, so I know how bad it reads!

There are some occasions when I am actively wanting to have sex and enjoying it from the get go, but often its more of a 'I'll get into it' situation, or at least I'll just fake it to make it count.

I really don't want to break up our family, but I certainly cannot carry on like this. I think I will push the counselling option (for him, I do not think us going together would be healthy, especially in the beginning anyway)

Thanks for the suggestion of the shower thing, it's not really going to solve my issue here, but I do appreciate the different perspective.

Bracey56 Thank you so much for sharing. The comments on this thread have been very hard for me to read and it gives me some strength to see I am not the only one going through something like this.

I hope I answered everyone's Q's, thank you for taking the time to respond, and for the many supportive comments. I may not like what I am reading but I do feel stronger knowing that I am not overreacting (in fact probably underreacting) about his behaviour. xxx

It's fairly obvious @Bubba1234 that a period is the only time OP feels she is allowed to refuse sex. And OP's partner doesn't think she ever gets to refuse.

So why would you try to give her a reason not to refuse? It does smell of handmaiden, sorry!

Quite frankly I wouldn't care if he waited on me hand and foot and did every bit of house work and family admin if he was happy to have sex with me and it caused me pain.

Doing stuff around the house doesn't buy him the right to fuck you when he wants.

when things are going well with us (i.e. we are having sex at least twice a week for a given period of time) our relationship is amazing

So what happens if you don't have enough sex? The amount of sex you have isn't what makes a good relationship.

Come on Moos... having sex post partum because he pestered you. Having sex while in pain because he wants it. Having to fake because it doesn't count. Having sex you DON'T REALLY WANT AND HE KNOWS IT. And this crap when you get your period.

He sounds like a rapist. One who does the housework but still a rapist. Because he's having sex with someone when he knows they don't want to and they are in pain. Love you need to treat this seriously.

During this time I buckled down and put up, he knew I was in pain, but I assured him that I was ok with it because I know how important sex is to him. Whilst I may have sex with him when I don't particularly want to, I don't feel like I am forced to, I opt to for an easier life sometimes

Whilst pregnant with our second I found sex incredibly painful. During this time I buckled down and put up, he knew I was in pain, but I assured him that I was ok with it because I know how important sex is to him

Just read that back and see how very wrong that is.

You just let him have sex with you for an easy life?
Sex is more important to him than you not being in pain?