My husband completely loses it when I have my period

[Moosmum1]

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

He is funny and charming, and when things are going well with us (i.e. we are having sex at least twice a week for a given period of time) our relationship is amazing, we are perfect for each other in that way.

Being funny and charming are such superficial qualities. I'll take honesty and gaucheness over them any day if it's accompanied by kindness, concern and respect. And you are defining the quality of your relationship be how often you have sex. That is so wrong.

And excluding the obvious

You don't get to exclude things. It's a huge part of this.

During this time I buckled down and put up, he knew I was in pain, but I assured him that I was ok with it because I know how important sex is to him. Whilst I may have sex with him when I don't particularly want to, I don't feel like I am forced to, I opt to for an easier life sometimes.

I feel quite sick reading that OP. Why should you buckle down? And you fake enjoyment because unless you enjoy it, he sulks. Now a decent man who wanted you to enjoy sex would make sure he was doing everything to turn you on. He wouldn't demand sex and then make it your fault you weren't enjoying it. This is a total and utter power trip for him. He has that much hold over you that you tolerate pain and fake enjoyment to keep the peace.

You say you don't feel forced. If you don't feel forced, say no. What happens?

It was Terry Pratchett in Interesting Times (I think) who said there were worse things than whips. You can put whips in people's minds. That's what he's done to you. He's got control in your head.

When I first met my husband (so almost 20 years ago), I mentioned to him that I’m uncomfortable with sex when I have my period- I’m just too crampy and bloated.
The conversation started and ended there. He knows I don’t want sex at that time, and he respects that. He’s never once asked me for sex/initiated sex when he knows I have my period. If he doesn’t know I have it and starts to initiate sex, I just tell him and he stops.

OP- what would happen if you got seriously ill and couldn’t have sex? Would you be going through something like chemo worrying about having to manage your husband’s anger?

If she dsnt want to that’s the end of it.

That should have been your response to the OP last time and is what posters have been saying all along. You wouldn't have been reported and deleted had you said the above the first time.

OP said quite clearly in her posts she does not want sex when she's on her period, the flys off the handle when she gets her period and says no to sex, that she dreads going home because of his temper.

You didn't say if she doesn't want to them that's the end of it in your first response, you advised her to fuck him in the shower instead, people were right to call you out on that and while I wouldn't have reported it and raised it in on the thread instead I can see why others have reported it and don't think they were over the top either.

Every man on mumsnet is an abuser it seems.

Bullshit. Unless I've missed something I've not seen anyone say all men are abusers on this thread or anywhere on mumsnet during my 12 or so years here.

This man is an abuser though, screaming at someone for saying no to sex is never ever not abusive and suggesting a person should have sex they don't want is right to be called out.

I'm well into Cronehood now, but I remember this kind of behaviour from Ex H. Rapey fucker that he was, this was just one of his many abusive traits.
I've been married to a lovely man for 40 years now. He has his flaws, god knows, but he's never been anything other than kind, generous, understanding or whatever I needed over anything remotely related to sex, periods or whatever.
This thread makes my blood run cold with bad memories.
OP, He's NOT a nice man or a good husband or a great father. He's a rapey fucker and an abusive cunt.
to you dear OP

OP you last update made him sound worse, he's not a good husband and all the housework the world does not mean he's entitled to sec whenever he wants it. The op who said these type of men often expect the woman to pretend to like it or they're angry had it spot on too.

A man who fucks a woman while knowing she doesn't want it and isn't enjoying is a rapist, his comments and guilting you. A man who knows sex is uncomfortable and hurting his wife doesn't continue, he stops, he doesn't badger and get angry with her. I was emotionally ready for sex four weeks after giving birth but the minute we started it was clear my body wasn't ready and it hurt, Dh stopped straightaway. I said was ok and can bear it but he was horrified I'd think he'd want to continue.

It's not the sex two or three times a week that makes your relationship amazing during that time, it's him coercing you by behaving like a cunt when you're saying no and he's coercion isn't working.

Types like him always seem like the prefect man to the outside world and will tell you you're lucky to have him. Many many men parent their children and clean their homes while not sexually abusing their wives. If he's as great a dad as he makes out then he'll still be a great dad if you leave him.

I'm so sorry OP but he isn't a nice man at all.

OP you've said he doesn't enjoy sex when you're not enjoying it but he clearly DOES enjoy it because otherwise why is he pressuring you into it? He is getting something out of it whether it's the physical feeling of sex or the feeling of having control over you.

I suspect knowing his wife isn't enjoying it and knows fucking a woman who isn't enjoying it or is in pain by it makes him look like a rapist but instead of change his behaviour he gets arsey with her.

All this does is tell OP that not only does she have to submit to coercion if she wants an easy life but also has to fake willingness and enjoyment for him.

Sounds like this man knows exactly what he's doing and he's a sexually abusive cunt.

I read a horrible post once where someone said that some men use women to ejaculate into. That turned my stomach...reading your own account of you and your husbands sex life makes me think of that comment. I don't care how good around the house he is, he sounds vile where it counts..Good Luck.

No, being angry at you because you’re on your period is not normal.

However, I know how I feel when I’m not having as much sex as I’d like and I have to say that I’d feel pissed off two.

I think you need to separate the two issues.

1. If your husband genuinely takes it out on you that you’re on, this is unacceptable. Tell him that you will not be having sex whilst on and get over it.

1. The idea of sex ‘as and when’ sends chills down my spine (I’m female with a huge sex drive). This would cause issues for me too, so perhaps have a plan of how often and when you’d both be happy to have sex, otherwise this problem will escalate.

Your last post made him sound even more like a sex pest/rapist/awful husband.

Stop trying to make up for his bad traits with his good.

What vile behaviour.

Just saw an update about being in pain.

As much as I love sex and get pissed when I’m not getting as much as I’d like, I would never, ever, ever want my partners to be in pain. This is not acceptable op.

so perhaps have a plan of how often and when you’d both be happy to have sex, otherwise this problem will escalate.

They've tried that. The result is that the OP has sex 2-3 times a week to avoid her husband shouting and to keep him happy. She has sex when she's in pain and he knows she is in pain. She has sex to keep him quiet. She fakes enjoyment to keep him quiet. She hates this so much she doesn't want to go home.

What on earth do you think this will escalate to. It's escalated quite far enough, because he won't listen and respect her. There isn't a compromise here. You go at the pace of the slowest. If you cannot do that, you split up and find someone else.

So you have to put up with him raping you or he will do something worse, basically? And you have to pretend to enjoy it, or he'll just rape you again until you do?
Honestly, for your own sake and that of your DC, start looking into the practicalities of ending the marriage - whether you can force him out of the house or move out with the DC, how much maintenance he would be legally obliged to pay etc. Having that information is a good thing, even if you're not ready to act on it yet.

What is interesting in your last post, OP, is that while you are saying how great he can be at no point do you say that you love him or he loves you.

What the actual fuck have I just read....

Jesus wept. This is so sad and so horrible I am almost crying for you.
Your thinking so distorted it’s horrid to read.

Absolutely horrific behaviour by your husband.
Absolutely NOT normal in ANY way.
Absolutely abusive.

OP you know what you need to do. It’s going to be hard but things will get better. Stay strong and leave.

that was after some comments from him, but I wanted to try to keep him happy.

pregnant with our second I found sex incredibly painful.....I buckled down and put up, he knew I was in pain, but I assured him that I was ok with it because I know how important sex is to him

I may have sex with him when I don't particularly want to, I don't feel like I am forced to, I opt to for an easier life sometimes.

He doesn't enjoy sex when he knows I am not enjoying it, if anything things are worse after those occasions as he feels they 'don't count'

often its more of a 'I'll get into it' situation, or at least I'll just fake it to make it count

These 5 statements are proof that he is abusive. In each of these situations you did not consent, you were sexually coerced and gave in out of fear of the consequences. Sexual consent should be whole hearted and joyful. Sexual pleasure should be mutual and freely given and received.

If a man held a knife to my throat and I allowed myself to be raped out of fear of consequences, would you say I 'consented'. Of course not. And just because your fear is of emotional/verbal abuse rather than physical violence, that does't make it any less rape than a knife to the throat.

Your last post has made me feel sick.

This especially;

He doesn't enjoy sex when he knows I am not enjoying it, if anything things are worse after those occasions as he feels they 'don't count'. I feel ridiculous even writing that, so I know how bad it reads!

You put out and you still don’t win

You “buckle down” when you are in pain (and pregnant)

THIS IS A SEXUALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

There is no other term for it. None.

I had an ex like this too and like a pp it ruined sex for me for a good while after we split. I understand the reluctance to disrupt everyone's lives and cope with yours at your children's distress but can you imagine living like this for another 20/30 years?
The sentence that stood out for me is you not wanting to go home and deal with his moods it's really no way to live.

Oh yes dear husband my bodily functions are definitely something to lose your shit over

Tell him to piss off and have a wank like a normal person.

He knew it was causing you pain and he still carried on?
And he got you to agree to it because you knew how important it was to him?

He's a manipulative, abusive sex pest.

You are living with a sex pest and a big sulky one at that. This behavior is emotionally and physically abusive, please realize that this is NOT normal. He is on a power trip and has what seems to be an insatiable sexual appetite. He will never change. Get help. Get out.

He sounds absolutely vile op. I know when you’ve lived in a situation for so long it becomes your “normal” and you lose sight of what’s actually ok, but this really really isn’t ok. I hope you can find the strength to leave him and find happiness without him.

Lob a dirty sanitary towel at his face and tell him to fuck off!

Petrified reading this

You must leave and listen to the sensible people on here

This is NOT NORMAL

HIW DARE HE !!