Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband completely loses it when I have my period

313 replies

Moosmum1 · 18/03/2019 22:54

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 19/03/2019 03:07

I would really ltb that denied me or my body it's natural course. Just to satisfy his lust? Omg no Shock

Kaleela · 19/03/2019 03:34

He needs to go to counselling/therapy. That isn't a healthy or normal way to respond to not getting what he wants. My hubby was similar (higher sex drive than me) but we worked together to meet in the middle, communicated and made sure our needs and feelings were being respected and have found a comfortable middle ground that has worked for us for years. I was sick of the damn guilt every day of the week. Your DHs behaviour is not healthy. I would be booking him into a GP or walking out.

perfectstorm · 19/03/2019 03:37

Not normal at all, no.

I also think it's creepy that he sees sex as a commodity - something you hoard, or bestow - instead of a mutually pleasurably activity that you share. The fact he wants to have sex with you to satisfy his own needs, as though you're not a full participant with your own, is creepy.

The level of disrespect you describe here is upsetting to read about so I can't imagine how horrible it must be to live with. Really sorry, OP. You deserve so much better.

cranstonmanor · 19/03/2019 04:07

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour?

Mine buys me chocolate. He also doesn't assume that he has a right to have any sex with me anyway.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2019 04:12

And on top of everything else (so incredibly grim, and no wonder your libido has fallen off...) there is this:
He does fly off the handle about silly little things unrelated to sex, he has a short temper, but isn’t aggressive, just shouts about it really

He is a rapey misogynistic bully.

I am actually gobsmacked to read your posts. You are married to a fucking gorilla.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2019 04:15

But that is an insult to gorillas.

Transpeaked · 19/03/2019 04:19

‘All these "amazing dads" that are actually complete cunts.’

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

And what you’re telling us in this thread will be the tip of the iceberg.

OP get the to the Freedom Programme. You don’t regret it, you will regret putting off going - I speak from grim experience.

And have a UnMN hug.

Transpeaked · 19/03/2019 04:30

‘he picks up the slack at home’

Do you actually see ‘home’ as your job that he helps with? Of us this an idea which, when you sit and think about it’ has been ‘introduced’ to you via his words and attitudes over the years and now you (subconsciously) think you’re the unpaid help?

Because ‘the home’ isnt solely your responsibility, just as parenting, errand running, party organising, caring for relatives etc etc isn’t your sole responsibility either. You’re supposed to be in a partnership with another grown up. What is his attitude to responsibilities which encompass ‘the home’ and caring?

FurrySlipperBoots · 19/03/2019 05:01

Do you have a daughter OP? Say she's in your shoes 30 years down the line, what would you advise her to do?

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2019 05:10

He's a knob. Don't put up with this shit op.
He sounds like a bully.

DonPablo · 19/03/2019 05:18

This is never going to get better. He sounds like an angry, selfish, uncaring shit.

Do you like being married to.him? I cannot imagine being turned on but such an utter wanker. Does he turn you on? Because it sounds to me like you have to have sex with him and the only times you can't he ramps up his awfulness.

Have you told anyone IRL? Or do you keep his shitty behaviour secret?

stayathomer · 19/03/2019 05:31

OP your redeeming qualities should be he's funny, caring, supportive, he's a lovely person, you get on amazingly with him etc not that he helps out at home, the qualities you listed don't really redeem him

category12 · 19/03/2019 05:35

Bromide.

Sarcelle · 19/03/2019 05:36

He sounds an absolute delight.

Aria999 · 19/03/2019 05:56

Not sure we managed x2 per week when ttc and I love dh insanely. Yanbu!

famousfour · 19/03/2019 06:06

He sounds like he has some quite serious issues. This is far from normal.

How did he cope post partum?

AuntieCJ · 19/03/2019 06:09

He's a bully and a creep. This is not an amazing father. It's a bad tempered toddler man.

PirateWeasel · 19/03/2019 06:09

Absolutely not normal man behaviour at all. He's being an absolute tit. Did he give you any grief after the births of your two children? I know I wasn't up for sex at all for months after giving birth, let alone 2-3 times a week!! I hope you didn't get pressured into it before you were healed and ready. That would have been tantamount to abuse!

Wallywobbles · 19/03/2019 06:10

If this is literally the only issue in your relationship he needs counseling with or without you. Otherwise he's a cunt.

Vitalogy · 19/03/2019 06:15

OP, you say he isn't aggressive, his behaviour IS aggressive though.

You deserve to feel happy and safe. I don't think it's possible with this man.

pictish · 19/03/2019 06:39

I don’t think it’s normal behaviour to shout at and effectively punish a woman for having her period, no. I think his conduct is abusive and abhorrent actually and not like anything I’ve heard of before.
He is a selfish and callous Individual actually. Who makes their wife cry over this except an absolute piece of shit?

Nc1548 · 19/03/2019 06:39

This sounds awful OP, I'm glad you're taking steps to stop this madness. It's been said before, forced consent isn't consent, he cannot continue to bully you into sex. I can't imagine how damaging and violating this relationship must feel for you Flowers

Thatnovembernight · 19/03/2019 06:46

This is upsetting to read. His behaviour and attitude are awful. I wish men like this realised that carrying on like this actually kills a woman’s libido (aside from all the other issues).

OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 06:48

Counselling

Whereareyouspot · 19/03/2019 06:49

Oh look another nasty bloke who gets away with it because he does a bit of washing up and occasionally looks after his own children this cementing his position as ‘top husband and father’

Well yes he shouts a fair bit and yes he has a short fuse so we often get a bit scared and oh yes he considers sex his divine right and screams at me if I’m too unwell to have sex or heaven forbid just don’t feel like it but you know he allows me to have a job so he’s a wonderful man.....

What on earth is your marriage going to be like if you have a run of urine infections or a really long peri menopausal period that lasts three weeks?

Does he have any notion that being screamed at for not wanting sex doesn’t do much for ones libido?

He may be all manner of fabulous in other ways this is a HUGE problem and his inability to understand this will wreck your marriage

You need to follow through now and ask him to leave for a month. He has got to properly reflect on just how abusive his behaviour really is and genuinely want to change.

And he can work on his temper too.

You do not owe him sex.
Ever