Dating thread 151: We are the prize...

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Hi everyone, could I ask your advice as I don't have anyone I can ask IRL. Sorry if it sounds a stupid question.

In a nutshell because of my line of work I cannot date anyone with a criminal record, apart from very low level stuff like a speeding ticket or shoplifting when you were a kid. I know its a really akward question but when would you say is a suitable time to actually ask someone if they have criminal history. Before you meet or after and how could I raise it.

I think I have my first iron after dipping in and out of POF for a while, I don't know if we will meet but we have been chatting on and off through the day and it seems to be going well but I know it will have to come up at some point and in the future.

@supercali77 thanks for the advice. That's kind of what I'm thinking, it might take the pressure off. And maybe that's what I need

@CKfan could you drop on your line of work to conversation and see how he reacts? Would it be obvious a criminal record any ok? I have to say, that's quite a burden to bear...how are you supposed to police everyone you date? What if they aren't honest with you?! I don't have a record but if I did, I wouldn't share that info early into a relationship, no way

@Lovemusic33 I would not date someone who wasn't working, regardless of reason. It would have a direct impact on your relationship in lots of ways. It's not like you've been dating a while and he's lost his job. That would be different. Thank you, next, I would say

@CKfan I am also the same, criminal record is a no for me due to work. I always try and raise the subject early on by bringing similar subjects into conversation or sometimes I will start a 'game' of quick fire questions with 'have you ever been on the wrong side of the law?' As a question.

@Lovemusic33 I wouldn't date someone unemployed or who didn't drive.

Love I don't think I would date someone not working either. In my age range there are men who have retired early and Im2 not interested. I've reactivated POF and am inundated by potato men

I did start chatting with a guy who seemed to have a twinkle in his eye but his messages are very ploddy and dull - I made a bit of a joke and he just ignored it and responded like I hadn't ... going back to Fab to flirt!

@30somethingandsingle yes that's a really good idea, the quick fire questions. At what point would you do this, after you had met or before. This is all new to me as I have been single for years now, I haven't a clue, I need to get up to speed with 21st century dating pretty sharpish!

@CKfan I do it before we meet, then usually find another way to raise again when in person.
Although I am only new to dating properly (previously fwb type things) I still would not want any relations either sexual or otherwise with anyone with a criminal history as did not want to compromise myself in any way.
It's difficult, as of course they could lie. I also try to avoid giving a straight answer regarding my profession until I have got to know them a little better.

Mr Fox has asked me out to dinner this week, we are just trying to sort our schedules but hopefully Thursday should be on.
I can't remember who said about us maybe expecting too much in terms of chemistry, but I think they may be right. I will give him a chance and see if anything develops.

I don't work and it stopped me dating for ages.

Middle-aged menopausal unemployed housewife looking for...??

But it hasn't put anyone off. Mind you I am doing most of the childcare for two kids, plus applying for stuff and trying to get onto a vocational course while doing voluntary work two days a week. I never sit down. But I'm still unemployed.

TooOldForThis I've taken your advice and replied to 2 more on Tinder tonight, so we'll see what comes from those.
But yes still a bit smitten with MsBathLegs, we've messaged a lot today about all sorts of stuff, and apart from her shit taste in TV we seem to be quite similar. That's a new one for me as my STBXW and I were very different, but that worked for most of our marriage.
So I'm still chatting to one on Tinder, lets call her MissOz.
I've decided to stay off POF until I meet MsBathLegs as that's the site we connected through. I don't want her to think I'm still looking, and more for my own sanity I don't want to know if she is.

Love I think it would be the no car and distance involved that would put me off. Having to undertake a 2 hour plus round trip for every date is going to become irritating quickly.

No car or no job?
For me id go for no car as you can get around on public transport.
I shouldn't have to do the driving even though I have a car. I'll get train too.
No job often means no money.

Red flags - would this be one? Mr Chef and I have been chatting on WhatsApp for a few weeks now and every time he has his kids he completely disappears. He was very honest and told me he would do this, just wondering if it's a red flag?

Wouldn’t say red flag at all. He tells you he’s going off grid and he just wants to spend quality time with the dcs. Perfectly understandable imo.

kermitrules no. I do the same. I'm a bit more lax with my regular date but when I've got my dd I'm off there for most of the day.

@CKfan The last two times I had this issue, I think I just asked outright on the first date. Just explained that I needed to know for work.

I also had to declare any financial issues with partners at review time and my gf had an IVA. I decided I didn't need to declare it because we didn't live together, so I didn't think we would describe ourselves are partners. I did let our people know who I was dating, so they could go figure it all out. Was asked by our people which OLD sites I used. Glad it was just PoF at the time. Pretty tame! I would be very wary of multi-dating in these circumstances, as I think that would have been frowned upon.

@MrDrummer thank you, that's really good advice, it's such an akward situation and I know it's impossible to know for sure as people can lie but at least I will know I have done everything I can to negate it.

It's not that I'm a judgemental person as I know people can make mistakes and can change, it's just a red line for the job.

@kermitrulesok really glad you asked that question as it's something I've experienced too and I've wondered what to make of it. Rational side of me thinks it's completely acceptable and understandable, yet the emotional side of me knows I would find time to message to someone I liked if my kids were with me. It's great to hear from other people that it's something they do and it's no reflection on the other person!

Generally it appears it is men who have contact with children and therefore this may only be 1 or 2 days out of 7 or even 1 or 2 days out of 14 so I totally get why they wouldn't message as they want to dedicate all their time to their children who they rarely see.

Whereas mums tend to be the resident parent and therefore have their children the majority of the time and so therefore they don't have to make every minute quality time.

Personally if I was seeing someone who had kids and they messaged when they were with them I would think their dick overruled their head as I would want them to dedicate every minute to the children.

@unique1986 how old is MrRussian? And how did it go with MrEvenYounger?!

@SortingItOut you are spot on! Thanks for the perspective!

R.e messaging with kids- I think with some people it’s a matter of compartmentalising it. So the dating part of life is totally separate to the kids side of life. Also, to play devils advocate, one chap I was messaging would still message me after he had put the kids to bed and was chilling with a . However I suppose that’s harder to do if you have kids who are a bit older

I think the distance things is more worrying than the ‘no job’. He is ex army and was injured which is why he’s not working, he’s hoping to get a car soon and he does some voluntary work near his home.

I have other irons which I will be arranging dates with, I really want to meet Mr Teacher.

Agreed re texting with kids, I text when I have my kids unless we are out for the day but I see them every day, I guess if you only see your kids every other weekend then you want to make the most of that time. I have had some men not message when they have the kids and others that continue to message but maybe not as much.

I wouldn't expect someone who had their young ish kids with them to message me constantly. It's perfectly possible to 'check in' every now and then though ....