Dating thread 151: We are the prize...

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Me again. Mr Teacher is still being a bit funny with me, or at least definitely not as he was before. We used to message loads, speak on the phone, we got on brilliantly, like lots of the same stuff, same sense of humour etc... We went from a few dates to spending nights together, at his house and mine, when our kids were with our ex spouses. Sex was (is) incredible, and we did other stuff like cooking and watching tv together, went for a day out etc. He was thoughtful and attentive, and I reciprocated that because I really enjoy being with him. I never went on OLD with the intention of finding a new relationship, but with him I felt like I'd found a soulmate or something, and he told me he felt the same.

However, as I say things have been different over this past week or so. There are far fewer messages, and the tone of them is different, although I can't quite put my finger on how. It kind of feels like either a) he did the attentive stuff to get the sex, and now he is having the sex he doesn't feel like he has to work at it, or b) he does have feelings for me and doesn't know what to do and is kind of pulling back. I can't work out which it is. Honestly, he doesn't seem like the sort of person who would do scenario a. He is definitely not using PoF (where we met), and isn't the sort of man who you'd expect to play games or anything, but at the same time I'm not confident it is scenario b either.

I don't know what to do. I am supposed to be going over to his tomorrow afternoon to stay for the night, but if all he wants is sex with no relationship, then I'm not interested. I don't feel that with him I could turn my feelings off, and I'd rather end it now than keep going in the hope that his feelings could develop. But at the same time, if he has pulled back because he does have feelings for me I don't want to say the wrong thing.

So, I'm not sure whether I should just ask him what is going on, and if so whether I should say it by message or in person, and how I should do it without saying the wrong thing. Any advice?

TooOld I've never ever been with a man who wears pants. I don't why you'd choose pants over boxers. I'm not sure I'd be overly bothered though 🤷.

Sheep how long have you been seeing Mr Teacher?

Sheep
Say it's your time of month and don't have sex with him tomorrow.
Then just have a good time doing whatever and see.

Sheep is it worth just seeing himwith an open mind...see if he acts the same in person as he has previously? It's so easy to misinterpret texts etc, and to second guess why things feel a bit different, but hopefully you will get a better feel when you see him in real life? Sounds like he's worth the risk?

@TheSheepHaveEyes I wouldn't ask over text. Go tomorrow and plan a day out and see what happens. Depending on communication it definitely can't be as intense as things settle down and that's something I have struggled with in the past. When you say it's different in what way? Does he start a conversation or is it you all the time?

@itsamiracle2015 So far, all I've had is guys who either don't message or don't reply when I message first, have nothing of interest to say, only want to talk about sex or start to chat then disappear. I thought it was me too but I don't think we're the problem!

You are definitely not alone crappydays exactly what I'm having at the moment! It's beyond frustrating!

Sheep - just see how he is in person. Being keen for sex at the beginning of a 'relatioinship' is normal, it's a problem if that's all you do and fall into a pattern.

I sent a msg to MrMusic to say that I've binned the pants and will replace with some snug boxers. Lol. Looks like I'm round his tonight and meeting the kids! This isn't a sudden thing. We have a history but mainly as friends. He's met my son a few times and is a bit of a hit. So, we'll see how it goes. Eek.

sheep my first thought regarding your situation was the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus type vibe.

I really get it. We analyse and over think everything and half the time it's because you are now in your compartment of the male brain.

I hate it but I really think it's the bottom line truth. We make them our world. They just don't.

Sheep I have to agree with the whet others have said.

I've recently been over analysing text messages thinking something didn't feel right, it wasn't the same etc. Whilst I do often believe our gut instinct is right. In some cases we just over read texts, until they are not in the concept they were meant.

I've shown texts to my friend and she couldn't understand what I meant.

I think it's more important how they are in person than over text. If he feels normal and great in person, don't question the difference in text language.

Sheep I agree too - I think it's really easy to overanalyse and misinterpret texts, and men do compartmentalise much more than we do. I've lost count of the times I've basically gone through an entire break up in my head because of something I've inferred over text and it's turned out to be nothing of the sort. I'd definitely see how things are in person.

So after saying that I was going to have a bit of an OLD break following Mr Italian, last night a guy who I saw on OKC when I first joined over a month ago and had thought was pretty goddamn perfect finally matched with me!

He hasn't messaged yet though, and I had sent a message with my match (obv now very out of date!) what do you reckon, leave him to message now or should I if he hasn't say by tomorrow or Monday?

Thanks all. Having seen it written down, I do wonder if it is my problem in over-thinking things, rather than him. Azzizam, Lifegoes you're probably right!

Miracle I only actually met him just under two months ago, but it has all been so intense and kind of went from a few dates to staying over very quickly. I suppose that's why now things are settling down it feels odd. It's the weirdest thing, I don't believe in soulmates or anything at all and never have, but that is what it feels like and did from the first time we met.

Unique, Restless, Chocolate, Too Old I think you're all right. I should go and stay (assuming he still wants me to), and just see how things pan out. We have had quite a lot of sex every time we've seen each other, with the exception of when I did have my period (he still wanted to come over and was happy to cuddle), and last weekend where one night we did just fall asleep in each others arms without having had sex first.

We both initiate conversations, and had sort of fallen into a pattern where I'd say 'good morning' first, and he'd say 'Hi' when he got in from work. He has always been really attentive, for example on my birthday he sent me a playlist, and one day I had an exam and within one minute of his school bell going in the afternoon, he'd messaged to see how I got on.

I'll give my head a wobble, try and get on with the million other things I have to do today, and take a step back from my phone! I know he has his sister visiting today, so she can see his kids, so he'll be busy anyway.

I agree with everyone else sheep and as long as he’s still normal with you in person try not to get too hung up on texts. It wouldn’t be healthy to maintain intense contact by text once things settle down into something more stable anyway.

If you’re worried it’s becoming too sex focused make sure you make him date you too. It’s too easy to just stay in and shag! Make sure you go out and do other things.

As MIA said I would make suggest things you can together that don't include sex. Also, I've been known to message a lot in the early days and when things settle down a bit I tend to message less. Not because I'm not interested but just because things are more comfortable and don't feel the need to. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Miracle and crappyday I'm feeling your pain. I had a cull on Tinder the other day of matches where we'd exchanged a couple of messages and then it fizzled.

TheSheep I agree with the others about the intensity not being able to stay as high. If he's still lovely in person then make sure you go out and do things, so it's not just sex.

@Azzizam
Yeh its annoying we suddenly become into someone so quickly.
And assume if they don't text for a day they have lost interest.
I'm not texting my iron again till he texts me.
Might be days but if it is I'll just block.

@sheep there's no substitute for face to face communication - hopefully seeing each other will sort this out.

@crappy and @miracle I'm getting no messages at all - not even the "hi babe" variety! Not sure what's worse really!

Meanwhile on Fab I have Mr Socially Awkward, Mr Clingy, Mr Eloquent (oh my!) and Mr Thinks He's Quite The Catch. And a host of chancers. Have to say Fab is eye opening and strangely heartwarming!

@batshitcrazywoman I delete anyone who matches with me and doesn't message within 24 hours. That might sound OTT but in my experience if men are going to message, they always do it straight away.

What is Fab??

@TheSheepHaveEyes yep what they all said. I've just had 24 hours of doing the same. Deciding he's gone cold and I need to back off. Reread messages and there's nothing to suggest that. At all. It was my bloody zombie tinder glitch set me into a paranoid worm hole. Sounds like you're doing the same....

I was scared to open the curtains this morning in case they were all still there. Brainssssssss.....

shitwithsugaron This is exactly it, I think. I'm not wired to be so easy-going about this stuff either. I never intended to even think about a relationship at the moment, and could have dealt with a more casual thing with someone I didn't click with. However, with him, I feel like I've been hit by a metaphorical steam train, and whilst this is nice in some ways, I suppose it has left me feeling a bit vulnerable. He is actually a really lovely man, and he does seem to care for me. I suppose I'm being hyper-alert about things going wrong, because I have started to have feelings for him.

I think I'll keep my messages light and the same as they have been, try not to worry too much about his messages to me (I know he is busy today anyway), and if I do go over to his tomorrow afternoon/night, I'll suggest we go out for a drink or dinner or something like that, and then see how he behaves towards me in person.

unique I had one last year I really had it bad for and I once waited 35 days to hear from him. It was agony yet when he got in touch I was all cool. "Oh hi. How's you?" type thing. In the meantime every other iron becomes an irritant when they message and it's not the guy you really want!
The whole thing is a head fuck on a roller coaster! 😂

@crappyday2018 Fab Swingers, where dick pics and sex talk prevail! Weirdly though I've more honest and respectful messages there from men who genuinely want friends (albeit FWBs) than on Match. Go figure as they say. And FWB is quite enough for me at the moment if I'm honest.

I'm so glad to have found this thread and realise I'm not alone! Having a right angsty day. So good to know other people just "get it". Whoever said upthread, there is just no way guys would be having conversations like this about the time of our texts/hidden meanings etc. It's real food for thought!