Dating thread 151: We are the prize...

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@richdeniro I don't know, all I know is I'm an idiot! Tomorrow I will tell him no more and I think block him too.
(The sex was food though!🙈)

30 please be careful with this man. He may not be a narc but then again I think rich could have a point.

30 I agree with rich and Coco - this man is very bad news. Block him everywhere. I'm concerned for you

30something block him, he sounds stalkerish. If he turns up again tell him to fuck off. This really worries me it sounds like he is trying to groom you into something you don’t want

I agree with everybody else 30 he sounds like a guy who doesn't know how to take no for an answer and has no respect for your boundaries. He clearly thinks he's got you at his beck and call no matter what you might be saying. Block him.

@30something I do think weird he came to your house. It isn't romantic, sounds a bit too much. Set your boundaries and block, don't let him push you along into something you aren't comfortable with

@30somethingandsingle I had one of those recently. Funnily enough he was into swinging clubs... he wasn't as full on as that but he did stuff like turn up in the pub round the corner from me uninvited. And it took me about a month to finally get rid. He just wouldn't listen to what I was saying. And the sex was great so it was hard to not go back. plus he was a nice guy. I suggested FWB and he agreed but then was straight back to making massive assumptions. It was all dressed up and caring for me but actually reading your posts makes me realise he was a bit controlling.

It's really hard to walk away but you need to be very clear. Will blocking him make him more likely to just turn up though? As it'll be his only avenue.

30somethingandsingle I agree with Peanut, maybe blocking isn't the best idea if he's already turned up to your house uninvited. That would scare the crap out of me! I think I would just be firm and say you're not interested.

How do you feel 30something? I know you did really like him but he does seem incapable of sticking to your boundaries. Did you talk at all?

Thanks everyone.
Initially I was shocked and pissed off that he had turned up, but he quickly turned on the charm . I think he is a 'nice guy' but like has been said, has no respect for my boundaries and it's all about what he wants.

As soon as he left I felt shitty about myself for letting him draw me back in. He's not the man for me either as a fwb or anything else.
I've just sent him a message telling him how I feel, I've been totally honest this time and also told him he can't just turn up at my house etc. Hopefully (if I'm right about him fundamentally being a decent man) he will will leave me alone. Not going to block yet as I want to see his response.

Thing is ‘nice guys’ like him are nice as long as you do what they want.

He basically bounced you into shagging him
Because he knew you’d cave. I suspect he knows you far far better than you know him.

I hope he does leave you alone @30somethingandsingle. The turning up outside your house thing is worryingly arrogant. Don’t feel bad about yourself though.

Years ago I started dating this guy (a friend of a friend). A few weeks in he started showing signs of being worryingly possessive and paranoid/jealous. We were out (with his best friend, who thankfully was a good guy) and he got really weird. He started imagining that his best friend and I were having an affair and being really difficult. The best friend made sure that I got in to a taxi without him and I resolved never to see the possessive arsehole again. (Not ghosting, as the situation in the club made it very clear that it was most definitely over - also he was a bit scary, so I didn’t think I owed him any contact).

Anyway, a few days later he turned up at my flat. Luckily it was a block with a secure entrance. I was in with my son and he kept phoning me and pressing my buzzer and telling me all sorts of bullshit about how he loved me 🙄 and I should just let him in. There was no way I was going to do that. I had to phone his best friend and get him to come round and take the scary weirdo home. I never heard from him again, thankfully.

It’s a good job that he was overtly a bit scary. If he’d been convincing and kind he might have talked me in to letting him in etc. After that I did end up in a 10 year relationship with an abusive arsehole who was much more convincing and properly good at mind fuckery.

With the scary guy, it was really obvious to me that staying with him would end up with me being totally isolated from everyone and almost certainly sporting bruises. With my horrible ex it was more like boiling a frog - very hard to see until I was very isolated and feeling that I was somehow to blame for his abuse).

I’d worry that your MrS would be much more like my horrible ex. Nightmares rarely come with the huge, flashing warning signs I got from the possessive boyfriend. Or, if they do, they’re able to convince you that they’re not warning signs at all.

@Crustaceans I'm thinking I massively dodged a bullet with my nice guy.

I've not heard from mr Unsuitable today. I'm really fed up.

30something - why haven't you blocked him already? Why are you waiting for his response, as there is no need. You are almost giving him permission to mess with your mind. Block him now.

I have my date with MrBE soon. I hope it doesn't turn out to be just sex. I want to talk first and find out where I stand as I'm off all the OLD apps and just want to focus on one guy. MrWow and I had a little msgs session last night. Both feel crap about the situation but are going to maintain contact as friends.

To those that still have irons and are thinking they'd like to meet, I still think my idea of the FaceTime date first is a good one. I normally hate talking on the phone and would especially hate someone asking to FaceTime without notice. When I did with MrGardener, I made sure I was looking my best and had a drink on hand. It was great fun. You get a much better idea if you're compatible. It's especially good if time is precious and you only have one night a week child free to actually go out!!

Just dipping my nose back in. Going through ‘no contact’ with Mr SA, didn’t think it would be this hard.

I have a date Sunday but not really feeling it but I need to get back out there to take my mind off everything. So I have a coffee or pub date with Mr Van, I don’t know much about him, he looks good in one of his photos and not so good in the other but he has a beard which is always good.

A couple other dates lined up hopefully next week. Need to try and keep busy.

Hope everyone’s getting plenty of dates, POF seems pretty busy for me at the moment but I know it will die down in a day or 2.

Just out of curiosity, do you all do the same small talk with all potential irons? I'm finding it incredibly tedious 🙈😂. Also, for all your deal breakers? How do you ask about the ones not so obvious? Just come out and ask in your second message? 🤷

Also, tinder is definitely the only one for my area. Bumble and Pof is pretty bare....

Bloody men!
Sat here waiting for MrBE to let me know he's back from dropping off his car (presume at the garage) So now it's an hour later than planned. I sent a msg saying I must be an idiot and all I get back is 'why'. I don't know if he's home yet, nothing!!

@TooOldForThis67 isn’t this what he did last time? Kept you waiting?

I had a second date last night with someone that I’ll call Mr HeadTilt as he uses the technique in his job . He seems pretty nice so far although it takes time to work out who people are. We work in the same profession but very different areas so we flitted between work chat, dark humour and a bit of smut Going to see him again on Monday evening.

Been asked out by someone who works in the same hospital as me, Mr Surgeon. Sorting something out for this week. Again, seems like a pretty decent guy so far.

I always feel bad whenever I sort out multiple dates, although I know I shouldn’t. If either asked I’d be open and honest. I’ve been clear with Mr HeadTilt that I just want to enjoy the getting to know you bit, see how it all develops, although we haven’t specifically discussed multiple dating yet.

It does get a bit tedious, the same old chit chat, I find it hard talking to many people at once and trying to remember what I have told them.

@TooOldForThis67 just because I didn't want him turning up at the door again!
Anyhow, he's replied now and seems to have finally got the message (excuse the pun!) and apologised saying 'hormones got the better of him' (wtf) I've blocked him now.

Date with Mr Fox is still on for tomorrow. I'm finding it hard to chat to him though, he's not the biggest conversationalist through messages... what do you all talk about? Proper 'dating' is harder work than I imagined conversations usually turn to filth with fb's.

My first message on Match in weeks and it's from a 51 year old man who likes "cuggles"
Wow this thread moves quickly....catching up now....

I've found most men I've had a first date with are shocked to hear I may have other irons. Once I told one I had another date lined up with someone and he replied he didn't want to see me again! So i'm not sure many men are multi dating.

I now have a date tomorrow eve. This one is twelve years younger :) seems quite deep and possibly on rebound but we all have our issues so will give it a go.

I watched batshits clip and beginning to think i'm turning into a female version of the man we need to avoid (how do you insert a confused face). I'm thinking these quick date fixes aren't working for me and i should be aiming to gain friendships first,but i'm just far too impatient. Dating is crazy!