Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

[user1471511063]

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

He sounds like a twat. He needs to get over himself. His poor ego. You’ve been faking it to please him and he’s mad at you for that! And he thinks you’ve been pretending generally? About what exactly? I don’t like the sound of him.
He’s not making you come. He’s making you feel bad about not coming. He’s making you feel bad for trying to save his feelings. He’s saying that by faking it you are also pretending about other things. He’s prioritising his hurt ego. He has no concern for your feelings. All these things indicate that he’s not a catch at all. Let him go. Find someone who cares about your feelings and experience.

Thanks fo your reply
But I did fake. I lied to him.

Well if you can't be honest with him, it's not meant to be.... suggest you give up now

Yes you might be right. I want to try though.

Why?

We have a deep love. Sex is great, and I really enjoy it. But there is a lot more to our relationship than that which was working.

Why did you fake it? Surely telling him how you like it would be better? He probably feels like a failure in bed and is embarrassed. Maybe give him some space for a few days then try and talk to him. In my experience guys like it when you tell them what you like?! Maybe get some sex toys?

Thanks, that’s what I’m want to do if I get the chance. Why I did it - bad experience in the past maybe, ex husband cheated and I stayed for a while and so went off sex with him understandably... I think I also just always want everything to be perfect with this relationship, and I’ve ended up ruining everything

He isn’t a failure in bed either, he’s realy good. And I could’ve talked to him, should have. But he thinks it’s too late now I think. He also thinks I faked every time, which isn’t true, but he says that’s hard to believe. Which I understand too.

As I said give him some time, his ego is bruised and he needs time to calm down. If he won't talk to you then he's not worth it x

Thanks. It’s been a week, and if he needs longer I’ll tell him that’s ok too. We are supposed to speak face to face this afternoon. I’m all jittery and scared. I’ve put so much into this relationship. I love him with all my heart.

Hi OP
Well as a part- time faker myself, especially in the early days of my relationship I did this A, because I too, wasn’t very into sex, B didn’t know my own body and how I could actually relax and enjoy it, and C, just to get him “there” faster, and so end proceeding.
I’m puzzled as to how he finally found out you were faking ?

I married my guy, and he still does not know, things Ie. Me got very much better as I relaxed, and we learnt how to be together.

Have you faked it with previous partners? If so, it seems you have decided that your orgasms aren't good enough so you need to pretend. It may be that you have just got into a habit of faking it. Are you worried that your partner will be dissatisfied with your 'performance' if you don't climax or that he will feel he has failed?

All you can do is apologise. You have said that you don't think you are very orgasmic so perhaps explain that if he wants to talk. Emphasîse that you have not pretended or lied about anything else, if this is true. Going forward you need to try to communicate better with your partner about what you do and don't like in bed, without making it into a competition. Many couples have a happy relationship despite an imbalance in libidos but you've got to have mutual respect and trust.

Hope this all works out for you.

If it's meant to be it will be, that's the only thing I believe in life. I'm sure if he loves you it will be ok. As I said men get funny about these things, bruised egos are the worst for men. He's probably sulking lol x

Thanks for all these replies, I really appreciate it. I should’ve posted days ago but I’ve been like a zombie all week!

Thanks, I believe that too xx

I think some of these replies are appalling!

She has lied to him. She has manipulated him. She has deceived him. She has shown a lack of respect for him.

And people are managing to make it the fault of his ego that he has walked away??

Frankly, putting myself in his shoes, I would have done the same and it would have less to do with feeling embarrassed and bruised ego than it would have to do with feeling like I had found myself with someone who was unable to be honest with me; someone who was prepared to lie to me if it suited them to do so; someone who had a complete lack of respect for me.

After 2 years of this he'll be a better man than I ever would if he comes back for more of it. I'd rather take the advice we so often dole out to women on here and find someone who was deserving and worthy of me.

Perhaps it's less to do with his ego and more to do with the fact he has healthy boundaries in place...

@user1471511063

This should be really salvageable. Everything you've said indicates you fancy the pants off him, and live having sex with him. You've just pressured yourself into thinking you need to demonstrate orgasm after orgasm.

I'd be stunned after he's calmed down and talked to him honestly, that he wouldn't want to try to take his and your time to learn how to get you properly there. Even if it is difficult.

Please don't give up, and please don't beat yourself up. You sound lovely.

It's really hard to tell someone who you really like and end up loving that you are faking it when they are obviously trying to please...

My advice would be to meet somewhere private and say this, say that you didn't want to hurt his feelings but something just wasn't working inside for you. Maybe it was the position, maybe it was a fear of being heard, maybe it was because you haven't? had good experiences before.

I would put your cards on the table and tell him how you feel about him and just how you felt caught in not being able to express this side of your relationship before now.

And yes for those of you questioning as to how ''he can tell'' my Hubby certainly can with me!

You sound lovely

Seriously?

She's admitted lying to him and deceiving him.

Do you think all the men who lie to their partners to protect them from the truth are also lovely?

I don’t think Im lovely at all, I know what I’ve done, I’ve hurt someone I love and you can’t get worse than that.
We broke up. He didn’t want to try and mend things.

She's admitted lying to him and deceiving him.

But was this done in a false manipulative way to give him the wrong impression to control him? Or more bourne out of insecurity?

I think OP needs to be cut some slack here.

BeersAndBassGuitars don't be so bloody dramatic! Why did she fake it? To please him. Not to lie, deceive and the most laughable of all - manipulate. She done it to make him feel happy that he wasn't making her orgasm. The things you listed are done out of malice and that wasn't the intent. Stop being so over the top, it's ridiculous.

Op, I'd give him a couple of days and apologise profusely. In the beginning of my relationship I never orgasmed. In the last 18 years I got to know body and we explored and found what I like now manage every time. You need to figure out together what works for you. It's nothing to be ashamed of and some women do take longer or only can a specific way. I never ever orgasm just through penetrive sex alone and alot of women are the same. Using a bullet at the same time helps.