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Original poster

Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

153 replies

user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 02:36

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 11:24

BeersAndBassGuitars

You’re right, all avoidable and I am so regretful. I’ve learned from this. It doesn’t stop the hurt though just now xx

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 16/03/2019 11:26

Yes he should apologise because he was the one who walked out the door.

The OP no more lied to him than we lie to our children about Father Christmas and the tooth fairy.

Yes, we are responsible for our own orgasm but with 2 people that involves communication. Not possible with someone who walks away!

Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 11:28

Thank you Starlight Fairy, the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas, that’s another thread altogether!

OP posts:
RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 16/03/2019 11:37

A lot of women can't climax from penetration alone.. when you're in a relationship with someone you should be able to be honest about this and look at other ways for him to pleasure you so you get the full benefit too. I think faking orgasms probably just makes him feel like less of a man. If you admit that you can't really come from penetration alone and that it's not him, at least you've not lied to him and he won't feel like he's bad in bed.

Aridane · 16/03/2019 11:37

It may be salvageable but TBH I understand his hurt walking away

Aridane · 16/03/2019 11:37

He's not very good in bed if you had to fake an orgasm though. He sounds annoying!

FFS

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 11:38

I’ve learned from this. It doesn’t stop the hurt though just now xx

And I do get that.

It's not that I don't have sympathy or can't empathise with your situation but people piling on to tell you that he is immature and has a bruised ego isn't going to help you in the long term/going forward.

It might be worth exploring why you couldn't talk to him about this. Do you think you'd be able to be more open with someone else? Did he make you feel emotionally safe/unsafe? Do you find it difficult to be honest and make yourself vulnerable generally?

The bottom line is that communication is the key to successful relationships in all areas. Some people would rather bury their head/hide whatever the problem is and others would rather tackle it head on. If you don't actually tackle a problem head on then all you're doing is 'kicking the can down the road' and, as you've unfortunately discovered, at some point the can is going to hit wall and go no further.

I like to think that you take something from every relationship. There's always something to learn - something about yourself; something about other people; something that you would do differently next time... make this what you have taken away from this relationship.

You don't have to climax every time from sex but you shouldn't feel that you have to fake it either. The only way to build a secure relationship with someone is to be honest with them. And if they can't hear your honesty, they're not the person for you anyway.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 16/03/2019 11:49

Beers I think females receive (or perceive) far more pressure to be agreeable and to make other people (including other women) happy when they speak than males do. Females who contravene this code tend to experience far more overt disapproval than males do, too. I don't think males quite understand the constant feeling of having to check how everyone else is feeling so you can make sure they remain happy all the time. I feel like that's where the OP is coming from, and her DP just can't understand that - both understandable positions IMO.

Having said that, I agree that the above is not a great way to live and that honesty is definitely preferable....

Original poster
user1471511063 · 16/03/2019 11:51

BeersAndBassGuitars
Thank you for everything you hsbr contributed. I have read every word on the thread and it’s all been really helpful. I know him. I know he’s not immature nor do I think it’s all ego. I should’ve spoken up. I didn’t do that early in the piece as I should have when we could’ve worked on it.
Such a waste of so much love. All my fault.
Thanks everyonevxxxx

OP posts:
BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 11:55

Yes, we are responsible for our own orgasm but with 2 people that involves communication. Not possible with someone who walks away!

And you think she had no responsibility in initiating that communication perhaps, ooh I don't know, at any point during the past 2 years?

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 11:58

I think females receive (or perceive) far more pressure to be agreeable and to make other people (including other women) happy when they speak than males do

I don't disagree with that. But neither do I think that her inability to speak up sooner means that he has a huge ego or is immature. I've spoken up and it's never gone badly and whilst I accept that's not going to be everyone's experience, you don't know until you try.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 11:59

Such a waste of so much love. All my fault.

Onwards and upwards, me dear. Onwards and upwards.

In future, be honest. And if he does react badly - walk.

sackrifice · 16/03/2019 12:00

It might be worth exploring why you couldn't talk to him about

Because he was highly likely to...walk out and end the relationship?

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 12:02

I don't think males quite understand the constant feeling of having to check how everyone else is feeling so you can make sure they remain happy all the time.

One last thing, I do agree with this too. But I've never had a man react badly to me saying, "sorry, ain't gonna work - beer" or "ain't gonna happen - I've lost it" or "do this..." They might check that it's not them and check that you're ok or ask if there's anything else they can do... but nothing more.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 12:04

Because he was highly likely to...walk out and end the relationship?

Based on..?

Because he left because he was lied to and felt deceived. Or he left because he was looking for a get out anyway.

Not one single person here knows how he would have reacted if she'd said, "can I talk to you about something..." and then explained.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 12:05

And if he had just walked out and ended the relationship, then she'd have known that it wasn't a great love afterall and wouldn't have wasted 2 years on him!

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 12:07

I can't believe that some people appear to have the mindset of 'keep a man at all costs' even if it means sacrificing sexual pleasure and employing a lack of integrity.

So what if he had walked away and ended the relationship?

What point is a relationship that isn't built on trust and openness anyway?

fillmyglassplease · 16/03/2019 12:28

I've never met a woman that that hasn't faked it at some point or another.

Aridane · 16/03/2019 12:45

I’ve never met a woman whose default mode is to fake throughout the whole relationship!

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 12:50

I've never met a woman with whom I've discussed it either.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/03/2019 12:53

If a man I was with had faked orgasms for two years and not told me until that point, then I would have broken up with him too. This would have nothing to do with sexual performance or a lack of it, or my ego not being able to take the fact that I couldn't make him climax ... but because. He. LIED. Consistently. Long-term. I have more self-respect than that.

Having said that, OP, I'm really sorry for you both. I hope you can find a way to find out what you want, to ask for it clearly, and to know that not all pleasurable sexual encounters have to end in an orgasm.

Motherofcreek · 16/03/2019 13:01

I can't believe that some people appear to have the mindset of 'keep a man at all costs' even if it means sacrificing sexual pleasure and employing a lack of integrity

I don’t see that mind set anywhere tbh.

Sacrificing sexual pleasure? Where has any posted that?

Motherofcreek · 16/03/2019 13:12

If a man I was with had faked orgasms for two years and not told me until that point, then I would have broken up with him too

Op hasn’t done that though - if you had read her posts you see it was occasionally.

BeersAndBassGuitars · 16/03/2019 13:55

Motherofcreek

It might be worth exploring why you couldn't talk to him about

(my comment)

Because he was highly likely to...walk out and end the relationship?

(a response to it explaining that a reason for her not talking to him about it because he was likely to have ended the relationship - ergo, it was deemed by this poster to be reasonable and more important that the OP protect her relationship by any means (e.g. lying/misleading her partner) than trying to sort it by talking and risk losing the relationship)

By not talking to him about it, she was necessarily leading a life of sexual dissatisfaction because she refused/failed to do the one thing that could have sorted it out.

Or at least would have acheived openness and honesty in an intimate relationship.

KennyCalmIt · 16/03/2019 14:07

Poor guy !

I can’t orgasm through penetrative sex. Guess what I did??? I told my DP this and instead he focuses on giving me an orgasm in ways I ^can* have one

That is something you should’ve done.
Instead you’ve lied and faked everything to him.
So not only have you lied to him and made him feel like shite, you lack communication skills which is a basic need for a healthy relationship

What did you expect him to do?

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