Boyfriend knows I’ve been faking in bed and wants to break up

[user1471511063]

Hi, I’ve been faking orgasm and he has noticed. I feel like such an idiot. He walked out a week ago after sex, accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general. I haven’t seen him since. Ive had a couple of messages, but only after I’ve sent him one first. I admitted to it, and tried my best to explain what I can, why I’ve been doing this. Thing is I don’t really know myself! He is really sexy, I’m really attracted to him but Ive just never been that orgasmic for lack of better term. I come, I think, but it’s just not that mind blowing! He’s the best man I’ve ever been with, creative, kind, a unique person and other than this our relationship is strong. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t know if he can’t get past this. I understand this, and as painful as it is, think I’ve done the wrong thing, time to take responsibility for my actions and pay the price. I’m just writing to see if anyone has by wise words of how it might be possible to save this relationship? We’ve been together for about 2 years, but have spent some time apart due to work. I’m so devastated, I was so happy, I really wanted to be with him long term.

OP I think you're being hard on yourself and it isn't helped by some less than sympathetic posts. I can understand your partner feels hurt but many men have put up with much more and I have to say that I strongly disagree with his mantra "If the sex doesn't work, nothing works". Do a little research into vaginismus, where many women have struggled to even have sex for many years and their husbands have stayed with them, finding other ways to satisfy each other. They have still managed to have very close, faithful bonds and they aren't even having full intercourse! You just need a little help with finding the best way to achieve orgasm - you're already enjoying the rest! You can only continue to communicate with your partner and hope he comes around - if not, maybe the bond isn't that strong after all. Good luck. x

KataraJean
Yes he probably thought all was well, and mightn’t have continued I guess. If I’d admitted it earlier on that also would’ve helped. Thank you for your post, really lovely of you to spend the time, and you make so much sense xx

Thank you Elmo311 for your honesty, and releasethehounds for your post, I’m grateful x

Could it not simply be that the man wanted to (and indeed has) end the relationship? The OP sometimes faking orgasm gave him an excuse. It's often said on MN that no one needs an excuse to end a relationship, if it's not working then that is reason enough.

I think you have beaten yourself up about this enough and need to seek some closure. By saying ‘if the sex doesn’t work, nothing works’, he is telling you that is his main priority - not your general well-being or everything else you have done as a couple. It is quite dismissive, and quite frankly, a bit entitled.

What happens if you are sick, or if you have a traumatic birth or you need surgery or any of those things which mean the sex might not work? The point is that the sex has been working for him for two years, but not for you. It has been working for him because you have pretended it is working for you.

He is also looking at you through the lens of his past relationship without acknowledging that your behaviour comes from the experiences you have had.

But it is not helpful to turn this into tit for tat.

Go out and do something nice for yourself today. Longer term do things which help you get to know and trust your body - I do not mean sexually in the first instance, I mean physical activity so you learn to feel comfortable with what your body can and cannot do. Swimming, dancing, walking, running - learn to be yourself physically. Be confident about your own boundaries and what you can do and cannot do, what you like and dislike.

I feel so much empathy that you have gone through two years without being able to say, hang on, this is not doing it for me. Many, many women do this and fortunately what you describe does at least sound like it was pleasurable just not orgasmically so. But really, I do think in the nicest possible way that you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence physically and mentally.

Yes Windy I wondered that

I think he is looking at it from such a male centred focus that he thinks if you didn't orgasm then you didn't have a good time.

Sometimes I am just tired and I know it's not going to happen and I am enjoying the sex and closeness but an orgasm isn't the end goal for me all the time. Sometimes I just want the closeness and yes, that is ok. I don't have to have the malecentric focus and I don't want to pretend that it is that way. Sometimes I'd like one. sometimes I'm done for mutltiples, sometimes I don't want any.

Every damn time I've been honest, and said it wasn't going to happen and I'm good, they took it as some sort of challenge to get me to orgasm. They wanted to rub me raw trying. What couldn't they just accept what I said and was ok with it instead of trying to "prove" something for their own ego.

A man just needs to know I had a good time. That should be enough. If he asks me if I came, he is asking the wrong question because that is not the absolute measure of me having a good time sexually.

And OP that, it what I would explain to him. He is using his measure of a good time as success not yours.

Hope he will grow up soon and not continue to believe that women owe him something that he does not encourage.

How can he work out how to please her if she won't talk openly about it and doesn't have any clear idea herself what she actually wants? Is he supposed to read her mind?

He is insecure and his self esteem is wrapped up in his sexual performance to a most unhealthy degree.

You've got the wrong end of the stick here if you think he's hurt because she didn't orgasm. He is hurt because he was deceived for 2 years in an area as intimate and personal as sex. I'm a woman, yet I don't lack the imagination to understand how shit that must feel. Your excuses are pathetic - since when is socialisation an excuse to lie and deceive in an intimate relationship?

OMG - he so needs to get over himself. Honestly, I'm bored just hearing about his childish tantruming and sulking so god knows how you feel having to live with it op.
Of course his ego is bruised but if he can't move on from that then I would be calling it a day.
Has he even shown any empathy for you and the fact that your needs and happiness need to be taken into account too??

Hey Op, another one that fakes it and always has. I cannot orgasm with a guy, no matter how hard they or I try. My problem is caused by child sexual abuse, sex is perfunctory to me and something i do soley for my partner, not for me. I enjoy all other aspects of a relationship, cuddles on the couch or snuggling up at bed time, but enjoyment of sex was something taken away from me and i wont apologise for that or feel bad for faking it to spare my partners feelings and my own feelings. I dont want to lie there for hours whilst a partner desperately tries to make me orgasm, there is no point, it will never happen.

Its really easy for other people tp be judgemental, but in terms of faking it, no woman does it for her own sake! They do it to avoid hurting their partners feelings.

I suspect, as others have said, this has just given your partner a reason to end things anyways.

I think the issue more here is that he has said you are pretending in general. This would be a concern because in his eyes, you have not got the connection he wants. Some people will put up with average sex for everything else but some, want a connection that is electric. I have only ever had this with two people in my life and have had quite a few partners over time. Perhaps he wants this too and the faking is the final straw for him.

I think it’s pretty much out of your hands anyway now by the sounds of it.

Practical advice did you know medication for anxiety and depression can stop orgasms. Possibly others so check with your gp if you take any. So can alcohol.

Thanks again for the replies! I don’t know, maybe he is just looking to end it too. He told me once that in the past he always met these amazing women, but it’s always him that ends it..

Yoyo 10000
I would say this was a mutual electric connection for sure

Mumsnet double standards alive and well on this thread.

But in his eyes User all that has been put into question by the faking. He has believed that it was electric but to him faking orgasm means it was all a lie. Men struggle to grasp that sex can be enjoyable without orgasm for women because they have never experienced this and always orgasm, should they want to.

There's a lot of unhelpful hand wringing on this thread.

OP it's been a week since he left. How much have you talked? Have you got any plans to see him?

accused me of pretending about climaxing and just pretending in general

If you've been together for two years, and you've faked orgasms most of the time, he is probably feeling quite betrayed. He's probably also wondering what else you haven't been honest about. I don't think that's unreasonable of him, I'd be the same.

There's nothing to say that he'd have had a problem with you not being orgasmic, or that he wouldn't have worked with you to find what does work for you. I don't think it's fair to judge him on taking two years to notice this - if you've been good at faking it and generally convinced him you're having a good time, he'll have accepted that this is what your orgasms are like.

I would contact him and say that you'd like to meet him, that you are sorry that you hurt him and you will be completely honest with him from here on out. I'd than leave the ball in his court.

It's reasonable of him to be questioning things now, nothing you've said makes it sound like this is a bruised ego or male pride, which I'd have less sympathy for. But it's also reasonable to expect him to help to put this right if he wants to, he can't ignore you and keep you waiting around while he decides if he wants to forgive you.

All the best, either way did you do a sexual exploitation part in the beginning? What do you like, what works for you, what are you interested in? That's where I'd show a man what works for me.

Could it not simply be that the man wanted to (and indeed has) end the relationship? The OP sometimes faking orgasm gave him an excuse.

Yep I wonder this as well. Seems an extreme reaction otherwise.

Well, I hate to burst his bubble, but if you were faking it, and he didn't even realise, then all of his previous girlfriends have been faking it too. A real orgasm is obvious, as would the lack of one be. Hasn't he had much experience with women?

I'm lucky, in that I can orgasm through PIV alone, and I always do. If I just made a few noises and pretended, my DH would be like this

Ah apologies, I missed the post that you'd broken up.

I'm sorry to hear that. Look after yourself, it's a harsh lesson but a valuable one.

Mumsnet double standards alive and well on this thread.

Mumsnet is not one entity, and anyone on the planet is free to post if they have access to a computer.

Because some men are so basic that telling them they are not able to make some one climax crushes them

But the OP said nothing to suggest that he is one of those men. And perhaps women shouldn't be having sex with someone so emotionally underdeveloped full stop rather than lying about it.

Mumsnet double standards alive and well on this thread.

Aren't they just?

Alcohol had some role in this too, which I also mentioned (but felt bad doing so, I’m owning up completely, don’t want to use that as an excuse)

I think that's probably true of most (all?) of us. In which case, you say it's not going to happen because you've had a drink. You don't 'pretend'!

Again, in my experience, most men just want to know that you're 'ok' if this happens. They don't take it personally - certainly not once you've communicated effectively.

I had a previous boyfriend who was older than me had a few ED issues when we first met. We didn't get to see each other often and he felt under pressure to 'perform' when we did - worrying that it might not happen made the situation worse. Being adults, I reassured him that it was fine and that it wasn't the most important thing. Taking a bit of the expectation of intercourse off the table sorted it out pretty quickly.

I've also been with men who didn't 'do it' for me immediately because everyeone's different and what they did didn't work for me or it hasn't worked because I've had a drink or been stressed about something and it's affected my ability to relax. Again, communicating this has never been a problem.

This is a situation that could have been completely avoided.

Mumsnet is not one entity, and anyone on the planet is free to post if they have access to a computer.

True, but there is often a common theme.

True, but there is often a common theme.

Some people on here agree with the OP, some don't.

That's the point of forums, if you don't agree with the 'common theme' you are free to put your point across.

Berating people for not agreeing with you is a bit narcissistic don't you think?

I think you've had a lucky escape here. It sounds like he's not prepared to work through any problems that may arise, and always do in a long term relationship.
I think he's using this as an excuse to end things.

If he really wanted things to work out, surely he would want to discuss why you felt the need to do it and how you should both behave in the future. So, he needs to make sure you feel secure enough with him, that if you're not in the mood to orgasm you can tell him without fearing that he may take it personally and be hurt that he 's 'not good enough', or worse, take it as a challenge to make you orgasm by trying harder and harder.

He's dragging his past relationship history with him, your comment that he ended another LTR because of something similar, and you're influenced by your past relationships. Surely the best way forward is by talking things through, and recognising where you're both coming from and moving forwards together. But he just held you entirely responsible and has ended things.

I would look for better in my next relationship, a pp suggested, maybe you need to do some work on your self esteem, so that is easier for you to voice your feelings.

The other thing that would concern me is the comment that if the sex isn't working, then nothing is. A relationship is about more than sex, and if he can't accept that, then it puts you under even more pressure to perform. What if you can't for a variety of reasons... What then? He's just off?